Do they not understand cause and effect or do they just not care?

[lets]

I've been thinking about this the last couple of days...

In my scenario my ex 'blacked' about a dozen people - longtime friends and business associates on what seemed like a whim.

His actions have left him open to:

1) losing many many referrals for his business (which he really needs)

2) being charged with theft (keeping my belongings)

3) losing his 'place' in the town as people here talk alot

4) losing his place on a board he sits on

5) losing his ability to apply for citizenship

and a few others yet he continues this self destructive behavior... .

Do you think they realize they are harming themselves- do they not think things through - I know logic is a problem- but heck, cause and effect or action reaction... .

[lets]

I guess... .

If it is all about them- can they not see the damage they do to themselves? 

[2010]

can they not see the damage they do to themselves?

Focus on what you can control. Focus on what you can change. Let go out the outcome for another human being other than yourself.

Can you not see the damage you do to yourself?

Start looking within.  Concentrate on your own healing

[sunrise2010]

can they not see the damage they do to themselves?

Focus on what you can control. Focus on what you can change. Let go out the outcome for another human being other than yourself.

Can you not see the damage you do to yourself?

Start looking within.  Concentrate on your own healing

Great answer and great insight!

[lets]

You two are exactly right and my road to recovery is going well

I guess I struggle with these:

1) I have the choice to press charges on him for keeping my things- the choice is solely mine- there is guilt associated with that... .

2) All of the friends and business associates that he 'blacked' for in his mind 'taking my side' which of course isn't true... .have remained friends of mine- but a small part of me feels like I'm the leader of the EX's reject club... .does that make sense?  There is guilt associated with that as well... these people did nothing but be good people... .


Does that make sense? 

[seektruth]

I agree fully with 2010's advice, but I know that doesn't answer your question. I can fully empathize with your need to understand as I was the same way and with the amount of research I did on BPD you'd think I was doing a thesis on it.  Then one day I realized no matter how much I try to understand, it is impossible to rationalize the irrational and there are some things about BPD that I will never understand... .but more importantly I realized that I don't want or need to understand it anymore.  The most important thing for me was to start to understand myself.  It took me a while to get to that point, and you will too, but it can only happen when you are ready to do so.  Healing isn't done on a pre-determined schedule, but it's done on your own timeline.  Some take longer than others to move on the timeline so don't feel badly for asking these kinds of questions.  After all, this is what this board is for.  


For what it's worth, my 2 cents... .I think part of it is the lack of personal responsibility.  I mean if they're constantly blaming others for their problems, failures, etc.  then how can they see how self destructive they are.  They lack insight so yes I believe they don't even understand the damage they do to themselves.  

[lets]

Thanks seektruth,

I'm actually really proud of where I am in my road to recovery... .when I list out the things I lost because of me staying in my relationship and the hurdles I have overcome- I have to pat myslef on the back... .as anyone who has read my posts know I was a complete and utter mess- determined to fix what I thought was my responsibility- it isn't and I know that.

I think I'm working through the guilt... .as much as I lost everything through the relationship it know seems he is losing everything after it.  Of course these are all his decisions but he still blames me.

-He chose to lose almost all of his friends and business associates (he cut them out) and now possibly his business

-He chose to put himself in a position where he can be charged with theft

-He chose to lose me

None of these people knew the 'real' him as he never introduced any of his other girl friends to them (we are late 30's)  but he introduced me... .he moved me to his country... .

So now at the end of it by default of his actions:

- I have all of his friends (but a couple)

- I have his business associates

- I have the ability to press charges

In essence I have the ability to really ruin his life- like he did mine... .the guilt of that is overwhelming... .

[seektruth]

So now at the end of it by default of his actions:

- I have all of his friends (but a couple)

- I have his business associates

- I have the ability to press charges

In essence I have the ability to really ruin his life- like he did mine... .the guilt of that is overwhelming... .

I disagree, lets.  This is the net effect of HIS actions so there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.  Again, I understand the guilt factor, but really this is a result of the choices he made.  He is his own demise. 

P.S.  You should be very proud of yourself and your recovery.  One day at a time... .

[seektruth]

I'd to add about the guilt thing... .my T helped me realized that guilt is totally wasted emotion.  Unless you truly have something to feel guilty about like you intentionally hurt someone then yes, you should feel guilty.  But to feel guilt about things we have no control over then it's a useless emotion.  For me, it was ingrained in me since childhood. Guilt is what kept me trapped for a long time... .in life not just relationships... .but now I'm guilt free and loving it.  

[lets]

thanks for sharing that seek 

guilt free will be one of my new goals!

[ex_bf_worried]

can they not see the damage they do to themselves?

Focus on what you can control. Focus on what you can change. Let go out the outcome for another human being other than yourself.

Can you not see the damage you do to yourself?

Start looking within.  Concentrate on your own healing

It's difficult 2010 to see the brilliance in them, to see them destroy themselves and you can't do a thing about it. Even now I keep telling myself my exBPDgf will never reach to the heights I know she can reach, she is so bright that she can be anything she wants to be. Her stupid decisions will hamper her. A waste of a brain.

[TonyC]

ohhhh you mean consequenses... ?

umm no... when you think everyone else is wrong, everyone else is stupid...

they never feel consequenses... not when they think they are justified...

[JWS]

can they not see the damage they do to themselves?

I don't believe they can otherwise logic would kick in but then there's nothing at all normal about them.

Focus on what you can control. Focus on what you can change. Let go out the outcome for another human being other than yourself.

Can you not see the damage you do to yourself?

Start looking within.  Concentrate on your own healing

Truer words have never been spoken. In reality if you do you will learn so much about yourself. I personally have been on a deep personal journey of why I got involved, what factors in my personality played into it, and how I dealt with the outcome. It's been a great journey. Not smooth every step of the way by any means but a wonderfully liberating journey. Along the way I learned to forgive myself and in reality her as well. I still feel angry with her from time to time but i have even found ways for that anger to be constructive for me.

It's difficult 2010 to see the brilliance in them, to see them destroy themselves and you can't do a thing about it. Even now I keep telling myself my exBPDgf will never reach to the heights I know she can reach, she is so bright that she can be anything she wants to be. Her stupid decisions will hamper her. A waste of a brain.

Yes this is an extremely hard fact to reconcile. Mine was very smart, and smart enough to continue playing her game. I know that mine could reach wonderfully great heights if application was on getting better rather than perpetuating the situation at hand. I remember her recounting a job she lost that was a good job with benefits and security,  it was everyone else's fault. They can be anything they want. They just choose to be wackadoodle.

[ex_bf_worried]

Mine got promoted after joining an organization after a year, before folk who was there for 10,15 years before her. As soon as she got promoted everyone was out to get her, including management who put her there in the first place. Now I see no one was out to get her. It was all in her mind.