SeekingAdvice
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Posts: 20
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« on: November 21, 2010, 01:19:49 PM » |
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I wanted to provide an update for those who read about (and responded to) my R/S with my BPD exGF. As you know, I didn't attend the professional conference. I think this was the wisest choice I could have made! She contacted me NO STOP during the conference. I remained N/C with her, ignoring every text message, email, phone calls, etc. She then invited me to her place for Thanksgiving (she lives about 2,000 miles away in a different state) and then sent an email saying she changed her mind! (Funny how this reversal was within 24 hours!--I've posted her email below). Sadly, my R/S with her has come to an end--although many of you would say, don't be sad, REJOICE! Good Riddance! In time I may feel that way but don't now. And it hurts. I still crave talking to her, seeing her, being with her, etc. I'm wondering if I'll ALWAYS love her. I only hope I can move on in a healthy way and find someone who will love me back (reciprocity). BPD is just a vicious disorder of intimacy.
It's like my BPD ex-GF always wanted to keep me at perpetual bay... .I'm still scratching my head as to WHY I stayed in this relationship so long. What was I getting out of it? WHY did I accept this treatment? WHY did I settle for crumbs? HOW can I still love someone who hurt me so badly? Who disrespected me? I so wish I had the answers to these questions but I may never know. I do know it's time to focus on me and becoming healthy!
At any rate, here is her last email (copied and pasted below). I finally felt compelled to respond because I've just HAD it! After a month of ignoring her desperate attempts to get into contact (through text, email, Skype, Facebook, etc.), missing my prof conference (my choice), and am trying to get on with my life! In my response, I basically told her that I would be filing restraining orders/stalking charges against her. That was four days ago. I haven't heard from her since. What are your thoughts on or experiences with this? I know some of you will think, "well, just change your phone number," but she has my work phone, school email, etc. (she used to work in the same Dept as me). Those things just don't change so she'd always be able to contact me. I've completely blocked her from Skype, FB, etc. (a long time ago). I'm hoping this does it and still will FINALLY move on but I'm just not sure. And I also felt compelled to tell her that I've finally had it with all of her games, excuses, manipulations, lies, distortions, drama, ETC. This part doesn't make me proud because I still love her but I after WEEKS/MONTHS/YEARS of this crap, I'm just sick of it! TWO THINGS I':) LIKE YOU TO NOTICE IN HER EMAIL: (1) she claims she continues to "give"! What? She has never really "extended" herself, made no effort or relational repair, etc. The R/S is/was always on her terms and (2) she STILL wants to keep it open-ended with me... .I'm like that toy that she can take out when she wants to play. Stand-by luggage. I'm worth more than that. This has to end! And my last final email hopefully will do this for me... .or will she continue to contact me? I still feel kinda bad for blasting her in my response (I don't like to be harsh or mean) but sometimes you just have to stand your ground, stand up for yourself. Know which battles are worth fighting for.
EMAIL FROM HER:
I've shed many tears in the last 24 hours between California (where the conf was) and hit_. You didn't respond to my messages or calls these past few weeks or this past weekend with even an acknowledgment or any communication. It was perhaps wise on your part to do so, as much as I felt hurt. I woke up this afternoon still wanting all I communicated over this past weekend and missing the good experiences we shared in this. But we are who we are at this point in time. We're engaging in the same habits and patterns even in attempts for reconciliation and its not healthy and shouldn't continue. I did not show respect toward you by compulsively messaging and contacting you again with all of my thoughts and hopes this past weekend. And especially when you didn’t respond and haven't yet responded. I apologize for that. It is a habit and reaction to pain that's not o.k. and that I intend to change. I have not been respected by you either in lying, ignoring, etc... You could have sent a simple response explaining you were busy, had stuff going on, or uninterested in seeing me there (as I'm sure you did for other people) but your silence spoke too and caused me to reevaluate things. I have no doubts that you love me and always will and the same goes for me. Right now, the way we relate isn't changing which indicates it’s not right, right now to be soliciting coming together or more trying. I can't continue to give, hope, and over think this relationship constantly. I need to focus on me as you have on you. I will do my best to respect your space in this again and know you'll do the same.
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