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Beware of Junk Psychology... Just because it's on the Internet doesn't mean it's true. Not all blogs and online "life coaches" are reliable, accurate, or healthy for you. Remember, there is no oversight, no competency testing, no registration, and no accountability for many sites - it is up to you to qualify the resource. Learn how to navigate this complicated arena...
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Author Topic: Realizing That After 16 Years We Never Even Had A Relationship  (Read 868 times)
Empowered
formerly tired0022
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« on: December 03, 2010, 10:35:11 AM »

Okay so I am working on getting my stuff together and I am in counseling.  I have set my leave date for 1/15 and have been working hard although I am not sure if I can get everything in place by then.  Well, the other day this old bf of mine contacted me and he was my first love and is also married... .anyway, two days of incredible messaging and much fun. The scariest thing about this is that I have felt more love from this guy in the past two days then I have felt in a really long time... .and although, I had to tell him goodbye I am sadder about that then about my 16 year relationship ending.  I am bawling literally all the time.  I know that I did the right thing but it was so nice to be loved again for even a short period of time that this has totally rocked my world.  I am feeling heartbroken and really am not even sure why.  I do know that I love this guy and he loves me whether that is past or maybe down the road for now it can not be.  I know that saying goodbye was the right thing to do but still this has left me feeling so sad, lonely, and empty I almost wish I hadn't experienced that feeling of love again because then I wouldn't have to feel this loss.  :'( Perhaps the saddest thing is that this entire experience has left me realizing that I have had more of a relationship with this guy past and present then with the man I have been married to for the past 14 years.  What was I thinking? How could I have mistaken this for love?
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havana
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« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2010, 03:16:33 PM »

There is nothing quite like that initial rush when you conect with someone the first time. even an old boyfriend that you rekindle. It's that period that everything is great. Nobody's has to help the other when they are sick & throwing up. No bad bathroom habits to ignore. Just the good stuff for a brief period of time.

I'm glad you had that feeling for a short while. You said he was married, what does that tell you about him?
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Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
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« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2010, 07:18:57 PM »

Excerpt
Perhaps the saddest thing is that this entire experience has left me realizing that I have had more of a relationship with this guy past and present then with the man I have been married to for the past 14 years.

Highly unlikely. Your relationship for the past 14 years was a true relationship- it just wasn't filled with fantasy. Fantasy thinking needs the reward of another person to engage our thoughts about what we feel deep inside about ourselves. It's best to speak to a professional about these things rather than recycling relationships.

There is a word for the married Men and Women who prey on vulnerable ex-lovers for attention. They are called "chickenhawks." Chickenhawks have marriages of their own (true relationships) but they need the fantasy reward of a third party relation to feel better about themselves.  They go behind their spouses backs (that's the chicken part) and live double lives picking off vulnerable and wounded people for attention like hawks- not understanding nor caring that the vulnerable and wounded third party may have been attracted to them for rescuing and want to attach to make it a permanent "true relationship."  

A true relationship would mean that divorce for a chickenhawk would victimize all involved and create persecuting, rescuing and victimizing patterns that disallow each person to take responsibility for themselves as separate entities. All parties would have to be aware that the jumping off from one marriage to another doesn't allow for fantasy (that you are saving each other = true love) to survive- Someone always gets more diminished than the other in the implications of neediness.  Who is needier? = each person has their own interpretation.

When we are wandering through life after a divorce, confused and alone, fantasy thinking can also be a vulnerable entry point to our psyche, as we begin to formulate our thoughts and try to discuss them with this caring and most solicitous confidante who just so happens to come back into our lives at the right time.  Be careful. That solicitous and caring confidante may be using you to distract themselves from their own issues.

It never ends well. Many people on the board have jumped from the frying pan to the fire by recycling ex-lovers before their marriage was over. This "first love" unfinished business is a fantasy you keep about each other. Meanwhile, reality awaits.  :)o you know her name? She needs him and you need him and he needs you both. That's need.  When and if the time came for the two of you to be together, it would be based on mutual need- not love.  

True love begins with loving yourself and knowing that you are going to be just fine on your own, without anyone else coming to your rescue as your Knight in shining armor.  Allow yourself to feel the pain of loneliness and work through the thoughts that come up from your past relationship. 14 years is a long time to grieve. Find a trusted confidante, not one who is triangulating (read definition) you with a third party.  It is a mistake to think that this is the way out of your pain.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


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Mystic
formerly Livia
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« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2010, 08:00:35 PM »

True love begins with loving yourself and knowing that you are going to be just fine on your own, without anyone else coming to your rescue as your Knight in shining armor.  Allow yourself to feel the pain of loneliness and work through the thoughts that come up from your past relationship.

Great thoughts, 2010.  Exactly the recipe for coming out on the other side of all this whole and healed in time.  No the easy way by any stretch, but absolutely the only way that will bring good results. 

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Empowered
formerly tired0022
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« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2010, 11:32:33 PM »

Thanks for the encouragement and reality check and ironically I did realize all of these things a little at a time which is why I backed down.  I know that since the first time we talked and more recently I had done a hard evaluation of my own life and what it was about this man that I "wanted" and realized that the biggest thing was that I wanted the "old" me back and that is when I began working on things with my husband and knew that my marriage wasn't working.  I want more than being someone's mistress but it was nice to feel "special" for those few moments.  I know I did make the best possible choice and don't worry I will talk to the counselor about this as well.  I know that it my holes that are making me more vulnerable and I also know that a lot of the grieving I was doing over this was really more related to my marriage then this little chit chat with an old bf.  I said Goodbye to him and we won't have contact anymore.  Thanks,
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