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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Anything to give them at parting? Book, etc.?  (Read 806 times)
magicmirror
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« on: December 27, 2010, 08:55:02 PM »

So my exBPDgf's double life came falling down around her over the past few weeks.  The relationship is destroyed along with all potential to reconcile.  She's wreaked havoc at Church, with her family, with friends, etc.  More cheating with her ex along with throwing me out onto the street is enough.  I've almost allowed this to wreck my life, and I can count on nothing she says.  So, I will be moving into NC again for the most part, aside from when we see each other at church.

Recently, I began to see she was probably getting back in a groove with her ex so she could again milk him for money to pay her bills.  Then her parents came in to town for an unplanned Christmas visit, which precipitated her kicking me out, painting me black, etc.  I'm not sure they knew we were still working on our relationship, as they ended up staying at the ex/new boyfriends house that weekend.  Thus I became the evil enemy to all, her scapegoat for everything as she needs his money more than she needs my love.  So much for the Christmas plans I "thought" we had with her family.  She made a big stink over a lot of things, her mom threatened to burn my stuff, she contacted our Church to tell them how evil I was being, and she changed the locks on our place while refusing to give me all my possessions.  I was even demonized for allegedly stealing printer paper (never touched her printer, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).  It all seemed to be compounded 10x by the presence of her mother and family being here... . I suppose she had to make it all more dramatic for all of them to make all the black seem real and prevent me from interacting with them in a way where they might find out the truth about her.  She's still doing a pretty good job of hiding all this at Church.  

So for the first time today we met, and she talked about how everything I do is part of a big master plan to manipulate her and control her.  I let her know I was a mix of angry and sad because I was trying to hold her accountable, manage my own boundaries, and protect myself from her whims while still feeling very sorry for the emotional hell I thought she was in.  She refuses to believe that BPD is even an option, saying "I've told people about that and they say that's not me."  So I asked her to answer one question, "if that's the case, then why can't you stop yourself from going back to a man you've told me, your mentor and your women's group at Church you know is bad for you and bad for your relationship with me and with God?"  She responded almost in tears, saying "I'll take that up with God."  This all coming from a woman who's admitted she can't seem to be alone for any amount of time and knows she has problems.  When I told her I knew she didn't want all of this to be happening and I knew she couldn't get a grip on what was happening due to immense fear, shame and emotions that I'm sure are overwhelming and confusing, she fought back more tears.  :)eep down, I see a girl who knows she's failing at keeping it all under control, and it's crushing her (and me too).

Thus, at the end I asked if she would look at any information I had on BPD, because I knew that's the only gift I had left to offer her-  insight that might lead her to pursue healing herself.  She said yes, I was welcomed to give it to her.

She seems to be a BPD Waif.  So, at present I have two ideas.  I'm giving her Bold Love by Dan Allender (awesome book) and also thinking about giving her Lost in the Mirror by Richard Moskovitz because it's an easy read.

Any thoughts on what I might give her as a basic, but impactful starting point?


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« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2010, 09:43:39 PM »

"Here, read this book so you can have a better life" vs. "Here, read this book so we can have a better life together."

Excerpt
The relationship is destroyed along with all potential to reconcile.

Save your efforts for your own wisdom and healing. Turn the focus on to yourself. Save your money. Save your energy.

Let go.
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magicmirror
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« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2010, 11:27:11 AM »

To help all the others that will follow and the person I know is in complete hell... .I'll go ahead and spend a few dollars on some books or links to know I did something.  I'd do the same for a stranger if they looked at me desperate for help like she did.
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sarah1234
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« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2010, 11:43:22 AM »

Maybe the book won't hurt your bank balance too much, and you will feel like at least you tried to do something.

But what is the point of the book, really in all honesty? To feel better with yourself, to pray that she will read it and see the light?

I suspect that it could cause a lot of conflict. She isn't ready to accept anything and will possibly take the book badly and paint you even further black (is that the 3rd point? use the book as a wall?)
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gentleman66
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« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2010, 12:16:15 PM »

"Here, read this book so you can have a better life" vs. "Here, read this book so we can have a better life together."

Excerpt
The relationship is destroyed along with all potential to reconcile.

Save your efforts for your own wisdom and healing. Turn the focus on to yourself. Save your money. Save your energy.

Let go.

I agree. She has to seek help herself. Giving  a book on BPD will only  lead her to accuse you of having BPD. Remember  denial is the cornerstone of BPD.
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magicmirror
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« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2010, 12:22:44 PM »

Purpose is to hope she will get something from it, now or someday when I'm not around that will cause her to seek help.  This appears to be a condition that is often overlooked by many.  Sure, giving her the book will also make be feel a bit better about having done all I could, but it's not the primary driver.

As for the alternate, doing nothing basically guarantees nothing.  So what if she paints me more black?  What further conflict could possibly be caused?  She said she would take the info, which to me says she's got some basic interest in the matter.  She knows she has a problem.

If not a book then maybe a link, etc?  I want some level of info to be available to her if/when she decides to seek out answers.  Or are you saying to just let it ride and provide this if later she asks?
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magicmirror
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« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2010, 12:23:53 PM »

BTW, I'm not trying to argue that I must give her something.  I'm trying to understand what harm it really can do?  Seems trivial compared to all that's already transpired.  But the upside I see is that she may use it someday.  That's all.
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sarah1234
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« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2010, 12:28:11 PM »

She has already demonised you as you have stated. The problem with being painted black for longer/for good is that it may well hurt YOU. Afterall, you are trying to do good with your actions. To then be subjected to abusive untrue statements about your mental health stability is a protective action she may take. A pwBPD ultimately wants to protect their self image that they have created. A book or a link can likely cause their defensive reflexes to trigger and go into self presavation mode. I know because I tried the same thing. After we broke up, and he came to me begging for help, support and guidance, I gave him a print out of the 'symptoms' of BPD and explained how he fitted each point (on reflection, he is far far more anti-social BPD but that is besides the point), and far from helping him, it drove him back into his state of despair, panic and fear. The plea for help was just a tool that I didn't abandon him, it didn't actually have a real meaning inside it. It was 'stay with me, but don't expect me to change' But I know how you feel... .what if this is the one time they really DO want help? well then, they can google, or buy their own book
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Checkmate
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« Reply #8 on: December 28, 2010, 12:31:15 PM »

A tracking device so that you can see when they are heading your way and then run the opposite direction ... Just a thought  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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magicmirror
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« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2010, 01:36:36 PM »

Sarah, that makes some sense to me. 

Checkmate, I finally smiled today.
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magicmirror
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« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2010, 02:15:38 PM »

Had a short conversation with the ex today about a few outstanding items.  At the end, I mentioned I'm going to meet with our church pasture this afternoon, and asked if there is anything she would like me to address with him.  I asked this because her and her mother drug several church leaders into our mess this past week and it's going to come up.  Her and I are on a kind of team at church and have to interact to a certain degree, so it's important.  I felt it fair to offer her a voice in the matter.

Her response was "you need to talk to him about how you project your BPD on me."

How frustrating this part of their condition is to me.  She again said "my friends who know people like that say I have none of the symptoms."  Okay... .sure, then why are they all there?  I'm amazed at how good these people are at boondoggling others and themselves all at once.

Bonus Track:  She at one point had printed me a list of NPD characteristics, saying it was me.  We went through them one by one and she couldn't qualify where I acted in such ways.  Yet she pretty much checked off on every single one of the behaviors.

And as a qualifying aside, I've gone to more than one counselor to check myself out and am aware/working through some issues I need to address.  I've taken that step and gotten professional answers.  Even this afternoon, I'm working on the spiritual side of things.  She refuses.

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Annaleigh
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« Reply #11 on: December 30, 2010, 02:25:02 PM »

I'd apologize as saying I'm not trained or qualified to make diagnosis on people.  Because we aren't in most cases.  Leave it at that.

Best case scenario is she reaches a point of wanting some kind of help.  It ain't gonna happen if she has all these contacts scurrying to prop her up.  But at some point, when she drives everyone away with her stuff, who knows?

If she reaches out in the future, you can suggest therapy because it's been helpful to you when you were hurting, that sort of thing.  (I don't know if you are in therapy, just suggesting a response).

I know the deep need to help but nothing other than prayer is going to be helpful.
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