Everywhere I TURN

[Depression = 72% of members]

Okay... so it's pouring rain today. I had a few errands to run and then thought I'd stop off at a local pub. Mid day, not crowded... to have a beer.  A few couples in there playing pool, one couple on the computer game. Bartender, nice, new... we start small talk.

In walks a man about 55, nice. Introduces himself, sits a few barstools away from me, orders a beer and we are all watching the football game.

We all start sharing stories and as I tell mine (re: exBPDNPDbi-polargf) but keeping alot private... he says:

"Hey wait a min. Did you say her name was XXXXXXX? Tall, almost 6ft, high heels, thin... model material, right? About late forties?"...

*I felt my stomach sink and my heart. I HAVE NEVER set foot in this pub with or without her!

Me: "ummm... yeah"

Him: "Brunette with a killer rack, right? Charming, fun, friendly... I rememberrrrrrrrrrrrr her coming in here before they changed ownership"

Me: ~~~~~~"Nah, you must have her mistaken for someone else."

Him: "Nope, don't think so. Beautiful woman... not many like THAT come in here. About 5 months ago... alone. Every guy in the place was buying her drinks and she was all over them. She KNEW what she was doing and didn't have to put a bill on the counter and actually... .I think some guys even gave her a few bucks... hell of a looker"

Me: ~~~~~~~~~~` (gave her a few bucks?)

Him:  XXXXX yep, I KNOW that name XXXXXX... that was her. Real charmer... hell, there was not a guy in this place that didn't want a piece of THAT"

Me: ~~~~~~~~~`

Me: "Can we change the subject? "

Him: " Oh yeah... .sorry... sore subject. Just wanted you to know she use to come in here during the day all the time"

Me: ":)ay? Did you say DAY? What time of day?"

Him: "Oh hell... .like around 11 am, sometimes 1 pm... man, don't tell me YOU didn't know?"

Me: "I didn't know. I WAS WORKING!"

Him: "Oh sht. So she would go play while you were at work then? Dude... .sorry. Yeah, I work nights, so I'd stop by during the day and she'd be in here with a different guy all the time. I don't know if she came in with him or met em here... no telling. I just kept my distance. I could see THAT danger zone miles away. Oh sht... so you mean she was your partner? And she was hitting this place while you were at work and YOU had NO idea? Oh man... .I'm sorry"

Me: "No problem. Thanks"

I left... .when the HELL is this going to end? WHY do I keep finding more information without seeking it out? Why with every baby step do I find out more crap and NOW this? So she was also hitting the bars when I was at work? That is why I could never get ahold of her? That is why one lie after another, she was cleaning the house, vacuuming, walking the dog, had the cell off, had the cell vol. turned down, was sleeping, etc.?

WHAT were the chances of me walking into a pub I have not been in for over a year, something I NORMALLY never do, to buy a beer and just sit in from the rain to find out THIS?

You all know me. I ended this rel. in July... after two years of her living with me and destroying my entire life. What the hell? Now I find out this, too?

How much more deceit and lies are going to unfold?

[OverBoard]

Okay... so it's pouring rain today. I had a few errands to run and then thought I'd stop off at a local pub. Mid day, not crowded... to have a beer.  A few couples in there playing pool, one couple on the computer game. Bartender, nice, new... we start small talk.

In walks a man about 55, nice. Introduces himself, sits a few barstools away from me, orders a beer and we are all watching the football game.

We all start sharing stories and as I tell mine (re: exBPDNPDbi-polargf) but keeping alot private... he says:

"Hey wait a min. Did you say her name was XXXXXXX? Tall, almost 6ft, high heels, thin... model material, right? About late forties?"...

*I felt my stomach sink and my heart. I HAVE NEVER set foot in this pub with or without her!

Me: "ummm... yeah"

Him: "Brunette with a killer rack, right? Charming, fun, friendly... I rememberrrrrrrrrrrrr her coming in here before they changed ownership"

Me: ~~~~~~"Nah, you must have her mistaken for someone else."

Him: "Nope, don't think so. Beautiful woman... not many like THAT come in here. About 5 months ago... alone. Every guy in the place was buying her drinks and she was all over them. She KNEW what she was doing and didn't have to put a bill on the counter and actually... .I think some guys even gave her a few bucks... hell of a looker"

Me: ~~~~~~~~~~` (gave her a few bucks?)

Him:  XXXXX yep, I KNOW that name XXXXXX... that was her. Real charmer... hell, there was not a guy in this place that didn't want a piece of THAT"

Me: ~~~~~~~~~`

Me: "Can we change the subject? "

Him: " Oh yeah... .sorry... sore subject. Just wanted you to know she use to come in here during the day all the time"

Me: ":)ay? Did you say DAY? What time of day?"

Him: "Oh hell... .like around 11 am, sometimes 1 pm... man, don't tell me YOU didn't know?"

Me: "I didn't know. I WAS WORKING!"

Him: "Oh sht. So she would go play while you were at work then? Dude... .sorry. Yeah, I work nights, so I'd stop by during the day and she'd be in here with a different guy all the time. I don't know if she came in with him or met em here... no telling. I just kept my distance. I could see THAT danger zone miles away. Oh sht... so you mean she was your partner? And she was hitting this place while you were at work and YOU had NO idea? Oh man... .I'm sorry"

Me: "No problem. Thanks"

I left... .when the HELL is this going to end? WHY do I keep finding more information without seeking it out? Why with every baby step do I find out more crap and NOW this? So she was also hitting the bars when I was at work? That is why I could never get ahold of her? That is why one lie after another, she was cleaning the house, vacuuming, walking the dog, had the cell off, had the cell vol. turned down, was sleeping, etc.?

WHAT were the chances of me walking into a pub I have not been in for over a year, something I NORMALLY never do, to buy a beer and just sit in from the rain to find out THIS?

You all know me. I ended this rel. in July... after two years of her living with me and destroying my entire life. What the hell? Now I find out this, too?

How much more deceit and lies are going to unfold?

[2010]

when the HELL is this going to end? WHY do I keep finding more information without seeking it out?

You *were* seeking it out- you shared to a complete stranger and he fed you what you wanted to hear. This "nice" Man could have been a narcissist or a psychopath that reveled in your woes to feel big. He could have made up *anything* to commiserate with you, to feed your unhappiness. Maybe it made him feel more powerful to do so, seeing as how unhappy you were that you'd open up to him like he was your best mate. There's no telling if this stranger was feeding you BS- but you took it, hook line and sinker. You needed it like a stab to the heart. When you get this way, you do more self harm to yourself than this woman ever did.

This is why confrontation of self harm is important. You need to know who to talk to, whom to trust and what your goals are when opening up to people. Was it your idea to share with complete strangers to feel better or worse? What was the goal? To feel validated?

You must talk to the right people- not to complete strangers who can walk out of your life after they feed you bad thoughts.  That's called a *mis*giving. His belief about (or mental picture of) the relationship is based on the exchange of validation.  Of course he has nothing nice to say about her. He validated you.

If the point of exchange in the pub is to show your lack of understanding with how Borderline disorder seeks out reward- and reward to your ex was found in a pub at 11am, then write this down in a column and at the bottom, score 100% evil. That's a score that's based on how it feels to you. Only your assessment of the evil needs assessing.  

At a certain point you have to say to yourself, "maybe this wasn't such a great person that I was in love with?" Maybe I was wrong and she wasn't evil, just disordered in her thought process, and she was just seeking out ways to fill her emptiness.  Her mind is like a defective bucket. That bucket had holes in it- and every attempt to fill the bucket with self esteem failed.  That doesn't stop her from continuing to try. The difficulty about understanding the disorder is that it is compulsive behavior.

"I, Overboard, saw the holes in the bottom of her bucket and tried to patch them. I, Overboard, was not enough to fill the bucket and patch the holes. That *was not* my fault."

Join the club with the rest of us. We tried too. Choices became mistakes. Mistakes happen. Time to forgive yourself and move into 2011 with a boundary concerning this person and the people you talk to about your hurt. This is why boundaries are important.

*I will not talk about the ex with anyone who doesn't know me and want the best for me. I will not open my heart and lay it out on the bar top counter as small talk to pass the time. I will look into my best interests from now on. I will actively seek out good counsel and work with them to get these feelings off my chest in a safe environment.  I will survive this to live a happier life in spite of the damage done to me.*  

[Mystic]

Good thoughts from 2010.  Did this guy really go on like that after you asked him to stop?  If so, I agree with 2010's estimation.  Sometimes people enjoy misery... .either to make them feel bigger, or the ol' misery enjoys company thing.  Seemed to me like the guy was pouring salt into the wound. 

One thing I have realized as the process goes on is that yes, my ex bf hurt me... .badly.  Thing is though, he's gone months now.  He isn't hurting me anymore.  Processing the relationship is painful for me, but his active participation in the pain is done.  I can hold him responsible for his behavior in the past, but not for anything else. 

My life now, win or lose, is mine.  I own it.  I own my thoughts and my actions.  I own how much I'm willing to give to further processing of the relationship.  It is over, and any further processing I do can *only* be to learn from it... .about myself, about people in general, and how I can make sure my life winds up better because of it. 

Overboard, this post makes it apparent that you need people to talk to, to socialize with, etc.  This place is *great*... .where else can you find people who know what we've been through.  Well, actually there are places that we can do this in person too.  Places like Al-anon.  Codependents anonymous.  Celebrate Recovery.  And others.  You can find like minded souls in real life there as well. 

Don't trust your pain to anyone on a barstool.  Seek out good venues to talk things through and work on your recovery.  They are out there. 

[Travis]

Yeah, don't take everything they say as true.  You, like me are the walking wounded.  Remember the pictures of soldiers limping down the road after a battle.  The 1000 yard stare.  That's you and me.  Keep marching.  We are not retreating, we are re-grouping.  Hold your head high.  Its not anything about you or me, its her defect. 

[snappybrowneyes]

Im sorry OB I am sure that was the last thing you expected when you popped into the pub. I hope your anger and hurt subsides and you realize her actions really have NOTHING to do with you!

[OverBoard]

I was aware of this. One of the "many" incidents that led me to ending "us". Each time she would rage toward the last 6-8 mo of the relationship, finding anything and everything to do so against, she would storm out on foot and head to a local pub. I told her if she HAD to drink, do so, call a cab or me and I would come get here. Not that I was happy with doing that, but... .instead she did in fact whore herself out to many men... I have this from my own eyewitness account (which is why that man in the pub was telling the truth... I saw her actions like this on the last two pub runs and told her it was over) and when drunk, she was capable of anything.

Just one more reason to let go. I was suppose to turn my head and not look. Sweep it under the rug... what she called, "Unconditional love". HA!

The man in the pub is a straight up guy. Not a drunk. I knew he was telling the truth and he was NOT rubbing it in. We had a nice, down to earth talk and he said, "Better you found out and ended it"... he was right. Only one more thing to ad to the list of being hurt by her. Let her do it to someone else.

[liveandlearn]

I personally view these types of coincidences as gifts.  Not sure if you're religious or not, but maybe somebody upstairs is giving you the experiences (random guy at the pub) to confirm your decision to leave.  I've had similar weird experiences... .not quite as accidental, but I found out through ancestral site about my BPD's marriage that supposedly never happened.  If I hadn't taken that one action, I'd probably still believe all the @@ he was shoveling.  Which was nearly everything out of his mouth.  I've actually become friends with his daughter (that never existed... .one of five kids from the families he never had), and I think I've helped her with understanding the disorder, while she has given me context to put his actions from today.  It's a gift to both of us.  It has helped me move on, and her to have understanding.  Maybe this guy is a gift to help you move on faster and with less regrets.

[RealEyes]

yeah, i think you should see it as a gift of sorts too, since you didn't give up more years than some have with a BPD by also having a child with her too?

So try to use this info, since you've already heard what might be more crap about her, as now truths for your own healing further away from her many many lies.

[T2H]

OverBoard, you're obviously struggling and hurting a lot from this - I don't blame you.  But I'm sure you don't want to stay stuck there - and I'd certainly like to see you get through this sooner rather than later.  Your post is about having to hear about her everywhere... .the thing is, it started with you.  If you hadn't brought her up, she likely would never have factored into the conversation.

2010 covered things extremely well.  But it seems you missed his most important point(s).  Your ex is no longer hurting you.  You're the one that's currently continuing that.  Let me be clear that I'm not blaming you for what happened with her, or at the pub - she was obviously an awful partner, and it's also understandable that you'd want to talk about that with others.  But at this point - if you're very frustrated (again I reference the topic title) and want to reduce the pain, heal, move on, find someone better, etc - you really need to let her go.

Accept that she wasn't the person for you, that she did some bad things, that you don't want to be with her - and then focus on you, what you want/need, what you're going to do.  As much as we all like to connect with others on the bad things that happen, we can also do so with recovery, building a new life, etc, etc.

I don't mean to be harsh - I'm just telling you from personal experience that I went through this after my first PD trait gf - for the life of me I couldn't get her out of my mind.  That is, until my BPD exgf came into the picture.  The thing is, I learned from the last time - to not wonder "what if", or try to understand / figure everything out, or to talk about her more than is necessary, to focus on myself, to grieve / let go / move forward, to accept the truth/reality of the situation and make the best decisions for myself going ahead so that I could heal as quickly as possible.

Please do your best to do what's in your best interest - whatever that may be.  But from my own interpretation reading thousands of posts here - continuing to talk about an ex does not seem to be the quickest path away from pain and towards healing.

All the best to you in the new year!  Hi!