Can anyone explain why my uBPD mother is always trying to send my dad away?

[busybee1116]

My parents have been married for well over 40 years.  My dad's hanging in there for reasons I don't quite get, and has said "divorce is not in my vocabulary."  In any case, he's trying to compartmentalize his life a bit and has developed his own hobbies, interests and friends.  He's hopeful that my mother will find some help in T.  He's a homebody by nature and he likes  to keep up with his routines, maintain the yard, check in on his friends and keep up with his charity work.  He has always been this way.  He encourages her to have her own interests and although he likes to do things with her, doesn't mind that she has her own friends/activities etc.  My uBPD mother has decided he's to blame for all of her personal failings/lack of accomplishments and he's the reason she can't get anything done, why she overcommits to various groups, why she has too many projects going on at the same time.  He does this by reading in the same room, working on a crossword puzzle nearby, or digging in the dirt over 20 feet from the house.  My dad has said the therapist has told her she's being ridiculous.  She has suggested that they buy a house in another state as a place to vacation, but really, she'd live in this house half the year (or more), she's tried to move into my brother's basement, and most recently, started to rent a space where she can "spread out without him hovering."  I guess this is her solution to other than divorce, but it drives my dad crazy.  I really think that if she was finally alone for any period of time, she'd feel even more empty.  Her latest trick was to book a 2 week vacation and send him there alone so she could "finally get some projects finished." Once alone, of course, she got very little done.  I would guess that she was blitzed part of the time.  My dad wasn't going to go until my brother, who lives states away, suggested they call her bluff, met him at the vacation spot and they had a fab time together, which made my mother jealous of their fun/togetherness and angry that my dad wasn't off "suffering" alone (I think he rather enjoyed the drama-free time to himself!).  My brother and I thought this could be the last straw for them.  But, a month or so later, she made my dad take her to this same vacation spot so they could repeat the fun things he did with my brother, which is so weird to me, but makes sense now that I'm putting this probable diagnosis together and underscores her jealousy.  A small part of me I hoped that meant she realized she couldn't get away with these stunts anymore and maybe she'd made some progress in T.  However, just 2 months later, she's now trying to send him to "visit" my brother by himself and at our last meeting, tried to get me to comment on this "great" idea, what a gift it would be to her.  What I don't get--if she has BPD, why would she try to send my dad away?  She derives a lot of her self-esteem and worth based on his opinion and although she acts like she hates it, she needs his presence to feel noticed.  Is it just punitive ("you're to blame for my problems, go away and realize how much you love me and don't appreciate me" when it's just a projection "I need you and feel worthless and invisible when you're not here and I don't appreciate you"?  Or is this her lame way of coping with the stress of their relationship? What am I missing?  He's thoroughly confused by this behavior, still hasn't read SWOE (although I'm working on getting him a copy), still in the dark about what's happening in T (we all are and she's keeping it that way).  TIA!

[Ankakusu]

I don't know if this is the same kind of thing, but my mother was always sighing and acting like uNPD/ASPD endad and I were enormous burdens on her and she couldn't wait for the kids to be out of the house as a whole so she could finally divorce him and have her own life. She was always implying that her life was being ruined by us supposedly needy, clingy, jealous, dependent people. But she was one of the most needy, jealous, clingy, dependent people I've ever met. She completely fell apart when ensis and I went to college and uNPD/ASPD endad got a night job so they never saw each other. (They rarely interacted anyway, though they were both nearly always home.) My guess is that she hated this needy, smothering quality in herself and was projecting it onto other people. Could your mother be doing the same thing?

[P.F.Change]

First off, nothing is logical or rational about emotional decisions.  So it might be an exercise in futility trying to figure out all the "why"s.

But, I think there's probably a lot of projection involved here.  For example, if a person with BPD feels that her partner isn't paying constant attention to her, fawning over her, affirming her value all the time, filling up her emotional void--in other words, if he has a healthy sense of self and pursues activities separate from her--she might feel like she is in the way, unimportant, burdensome, needy, inadequate, etc.  People with BPD often project those negative feelings about themselves onto others, and so she might blame her husband for being in the way, never leaving her alone, etc., when really that comes from her perception of those qualities in herself and her deep feelings of shame.  She might think that if only she could get rid of her partner she might finally feel some relief, when underneath it all, she feels burdensome and clingy because she craves constant affirmation and attention and feels shame that she isn't getting enough and needs so much.  

There's a lot of this push/pull, "I hate you! Don't leave me!" dynamic with a pwBPD.  It rarely has anything to do with the other person, but with the person's own internal chaotic emotions, splitting, and projection.

[busybee1116]

Thank you for the replies.  I'm still wrapping my mind around this and what you 3 have said makes a lot of sense. 

First off, nothing is logical or rational about emotional decisions.  So it might be an exercise in futility trying to figure out all the "why"s.

This has been one of the most freeing things I've learned in the last month and I have to repeat it to myself constantly.  I'm also just figuring out how she projects and it's still kind of mind-blowing.  Although I know there's no rational reason, it helps me cope to understand (to whatever degree that's ever possible) the motivation or end to her means, logical or not.  Somehow I turned out to be very logical, linear in my thinking and I don't get the emotional thinking and how it revises facts in her mind.  interesting point. She has been identifying with some single friends/friends in midst of divorce lately... .hadn't thought of that.  Affair also an interesting thought. 

[busybee1116]

I know this is a very old thread, but interesting to me to go back and see how much better I understand BPD and my parents. I now know that my parents are a uBPDm/uNPDf pair. This is their dance. He needs someone to feel superior to and to rescue, she needs someone to build her up then occasionally to confirm her feelings of rejection/abandonment (by his distance/aloofness and perfectionism). For her, better to have bad attention than no attention. It's just push-pull. uBPDm: you aren't paying enough attention to me, so go away and feel bad about it (remove flattery). I blame you for everything that is wrong with my life, so get out of my way for awhile (and yet, surprise, all the things she blames him for not allowing her to complete still not done while he's gone). Kids--enmeshed and worried, get involved/triangulate, try to help both sides (both enjoy the rescuing and attention). uNPDf: I need you to make me feel better about myself, I can't believe you sent me away, let me smother you with kindness and attention now--I'll take you on vacation. Let me help you finish all those projects. This pattern in various permutations has happened again and again since my mother sent my dad on "vacation" 5 years ago.

[Notwendy]

My parents were a pair. It was a mystery to me why he put up with her behaviors and a learning experience for me to realize just how they fit together.


Mom also blamed me for all the issues between them. I am not sure what I did exactly. I did some typical teen stuff but in general I was a compliant kid ( too scared to rock her boat) who made good grades. I really believed that when I went off to college that they were fine and happy. It was not until I was an adult with my own children that I saw how bizarre my mother's attitude towards her own children was. It was no longer possible for her to convince me that her behaviors were normal.