Am I BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It does refer to them being childlike so much! I also have some issues with comparing pwBPD to children, because I feel it is unfair on children .

I think child-like is more acceptable. Child-like behaviours that have become stuck without progression, as actual children are essentially naturally selfish and need to learn to regulate their emotions, but absorb information, values, boundaries they learn and mature.

Clearly a lot of pwBPD have at some point experienced something in their childhood that has wedged them firmly in some cycles of behaviours, and their disorder does not allow them to process or regulate their emotions properly. But I do not always believe it is childhood trauma.

My d8 has always been prone to rages, acting out and tantrums, we are in fact in family T right now because we are having difficulty communicating with one another and she has anxiety. My d6 has always had a much better firmer handle on her emotions than d8 does. I have raised them the same way. I do not know whether it is emotional maturity, or personality. I think in my own children, it is personality. D6 has never had tantrums but this means it would be impossible for her to have emotional maturity age 2 to know that she shouldn't have them. Does this make sense?

I am in a great place, glad to see you are on your way too! x

[sarah1234]

It does refer to them being childlike so much! I also have some issues with comparing pwBPD to children, because I feel it is unfair on children .

I think child-like is more acceptable. Child-like behaviours that have become stuck without progression, as actual children are essentially naturally selfish and need to learn to regulate their emotions, but absorb information, values, boundaries they learn and mature.

Clearly a lot of pwBPD have at some point experienced something in their childhood that has wedged them firmly in some cycles of behaviours, and their disorder does not allow them to process or regulate their emotions properly. But I do not always believe it is childhood trauma.

My d8 has always been prone to rages, acting out and tantrums, we are in fact in family T right now because we are having difficulty communicating with one another and she has anxiety. My d6 has always had a much better firmer handle on her emotions than d8 does. I have raised them the same way. I do not know whether it is emotional maturity, or personality. I think in my own children, it is personality. D6 has never had tantrums but this means it would be impossible for her to have emotional maturity age 2 to know that she shouldn't have them. Does this make sense?

I am in a great place, glad to see you are on your way too! x

[OTH]

Myhead... .It took 2 recycling events a failed try at friendship and a ton of reading, thinking, grieving, and soul searching before I could move on. Everybody on this board was where you are at once. You developed an intimate unhealthy bond to this person. Letting go is a very difficult process. Forgive yourself. Maybe you aren't ready to let go yet and that is fine. That doesn't make you a bad person. Take your time. Do what you need to do for yourself right now.    

[Myheadisspinning]

Myhead... .It took 2 recycling events a failed try at friendship and a ton of reading, thinking, grieving, and soul searching before I could move on. Everybody on this board was were you were at once. You developed an intimate unhealthy bond to this person. Letting go is a very difficult process. Forgive yourself. Maybe you aren't ready to let go yet and that is fine. That doesn't make you a bad person. Take your time. Do what you need to do for yourself right now.   

Thank you. I believe the best thing for me now is no contact and although it is tough, I vow to avoid having anything to do with him. Every time I have a nice memory of him, i automatically replace it with a bad one. And there are plenty of bad ones!

[sea5045]

Yes yes, rollercoaster ride and snappybrowneyes, mine told me "I'm so afraid you will think I am crazy" and when emailing once she moved she said, "The last year was so painful we fought almost every day", but she went to one therapy session, refused to go again, and gaslighted me constantly. I asked my therapist two weeks ago if I was BPD because I read that one of the characteristics of getting out of these is feeling like you are as well.  MIne was just so fearful, and I just told her that when she is in a relationship that felt more equal without financial worries things will be better.  I still was trying to be empathetic to her after she moved and started sorting out our relationship without sending me the script (My friend said "You didn't get the memo"

That article said she probably felt so happy and free from me making her face the mirror, she felt in 2 weeks what it's taken me six weeks to accept.  So I got painted black during the visits to move her stuff, and I was pining for her each visit bc I did not know the script, then just got SHOCKED and HORRIBLY HURT by her insensitivity. It was always there I just kept functioning as if in a relationship. 

I hate that being close to me hurt her and made her run, I hate that I couldn't make it better, and I hate that I set boundaries that probably saved my mental health but made her resent me and paint me black.   

So I try to detach and not paint her black as well, or demonize her, I just want to heal... .

[sea5045]

Also when she was at her family's and started sorting out the relationship, she kind of diagnosed herself 

"I don't live well with others, I don't sleep well with others, I want to make my own decisions without considering someone else and then I can be a dick"- so basically she told me her symptoms and then said she really doesn't want to change or work on it. 

I keep trying to remember this when I miss her, do I really want a friend who is more self-absorbed and bullying than when she lived with me. Maybe I had the best she will be... .

[snappybrowneyes]

Thank you. I believe the best thing for me now is no contact and although it is tough, I vow to avoid having anything to do with him. Every time I have a nice memory of him, i automatically replace it with a bad one. And there are plenty of bad ones!

Well sounds like you finally realize NC is what is best for you,yeah! Instead of bad thoughts shoot for indifference if you truly want peace of mind. Bad thoughts still keep you bound to him. I hope that you will finally get to that point of freedom!

[Unique135]

We are talking about shades of gray here, not black and white.

I had many things in common with my XpwBPD.  It was what attracted us to each other.  We are both immigrants, young refugees from the same war torn country, experienced similar difficulties growing up (different language, different culture, stressed out parents).

We both experienced abuse as children.  However his was much more extreme both in kind and in frequency, and he did not have the loving support to recover from that abuse that I did.  That is why he has BPD, and I don't.  We also have different ways of viewing life and processing information.  Yes, I had co dependency issues and self esteem issues but those are hardly 'serious disorders'.  I also held onto beliefs that were ingrained in me from childhood - such as 'til death do us part' as well as "you never give up on your commitments" "You never quit" "you love someone for their good and their bad" "you can make it work, just work harder" "Love conquers all"   and "divorce is not acceptable, ever".  Although I did have these issues - and beliefs - and that is why I stayed in my 10 year marriage, my issues have been addressed in therapy and close to if not totally resolved.  

I do NOT have a "serious disorder as well".  

I would be wary of a therapist that a) makes such sweeping statements especially about people they dont know and b) cant give you a resolute answer about you (who they are actually treating).  Or it could be that is what you heard/wanted to hear... . we all make that mistake sometimes.

I have to agree with you.  I feel like that we are just over-analyzing our actions way too much.

I stayed with my ex because I do come from a culture where women start dating at an older age and out "dating" mainly consists of getting to know the guy so that we can get married.  I stayed with him for  long time because I was naive, he was the fist guy I dated and frankly, I really did not know much about dating or what I was doing right or wrong.  In my family, I was also taught that you stay with the person you love no matter what because no relationship is perfect.  I stayed because I cared and understood that he had issues and I knew what those issues were.  I stayed because I wanted to be by his side while he tried to get better.

As you mentioned, we had a lot of things in common - we both immigrated from the same country, had similar childhoods and wanted a similar future.  I stayed with him because even though he had a disorder, I understood him better than any other "normal" American.  I guess it depends on what you value in a relationship and how patient you can be.

In some cultures, women are raised to be co-dependent and there is nothing wrong with that.  I left him because I could not take his cheating and he knew that too.  I am sure he will be able to find someone who will turn the other way and ignore the cheating as long as he takes care of his family.  It has nothing to do with having a psychological disorder, rather what you want out of a relationship.