1. Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Of all the 10 myths - this is the one that can still sneak up on me.  It wasn't the hardest to "get" during the angry phase, but once the dust settles and life moves forward... .it is the plans that were made that are the hardest to let go.

My goals in life were real and moving forward alone on them looks quite different than how I imagined when I met my BPD.  Waiting to meet another is my happiness dependent upon another, so the choice is to keep moving forward, keep accepting life might look different and keep finding things to be grateful for - there are those moments that still creep up where I miss my ex and this is the myth that lingers.

[seeking balance]

Of all the 10 myths - this is the one that can still sneak up on me.  It wasn't the hardest to "get" during the angry phase, but once the dust settles and life moves forward... .it is the plans that were made that are the hardest to let go.

My goals in life were real and moving forward alone on them looks quite different than how I imagined when I met my BPD.  Waiting to meet another is my happiness dependent upon another, so the choice is to keep moving forward, keep accepting life might look different and keep finding things to be grateful for - there are those moments that still creep up where I miss my ex and this is the myth that lingers.

[Changed4safety]

Yes, here is another who was ripe for the picking.  I was 17 years into a marriage that had in reality died after 2.  My then-husband was transgendered, and what he presented as something minor and fun (liking to dress up occasionally during sex and getting in touch with his feminine side) turned out to be much more than that.  I did not want to be physically intimate with him after about 2 years into our marriage.  We went to counseling, and eventually just kind of stopped.  We always agreed that we wanted to keep the marriage and not cheat, and if we met someone would consider an open relationship. 

Enter BPD through an online game.  We fell in love online, with me telling my husband as soon as I realized it.  With his OK my BPD and I met (we lived 1,000 miles away from each other) and let me tell you, sex with a gorgeous young man 19 years my junior after 15 years of celibacy was amazing. The emails we wrote back and forth were the stuff of great romantic legend.  He moved in in six months, and for four years I totally supported him.  He didn't even get a job and racked up lots of medical expenses.  Of course, it all fell apart--but my god, did I think I finally, truly, had found the fairy tale.  Makes me so sad to think about it.  Even a couple weeks before I broke up he was saying "You're my happy ending" (with violence, choking, and 16 infidelities in between.)

[just_think]

I'll bite at the bump.

I think this is why I am still in pain. 

As this is about my 2nd or 3rd time around on the PD-mobile, not to mention therapy and endless hours of pouring over information about BPD and NPD, I know all of the red flags. I knew it was unhealthy from the get-go.  I had a lot of guilt and shame from my relationship before that.  My self-confidence was down - she left me for a... . well someone totally the opposite of me.   I did some pretty terrible things when I found out like break into her email.

But then Miss NPD walked into my life... . we had amazing adventures together, we loved and complimented each others' taste in music; both of our biggest passions. She hadn't been dating anyone. I hadn't either.  We both were looking for someone to have a relationship with. We both had similar health issues, particularly one very important one that needs to match up (or the other person needs to be ok with and often isn't). We both loved space and stargazing. She was really attractive but not in a "I'm a model" way so much as a "I've matured really well and have a very pretty 'girl next door'" thing going on.  She laughed at my jokes and seemed genuinely interested in me. Quirky.  Intelligent. I saw soulmate potential.

What's a red flag or two, right?  So she doesn't really ask anything about me, that's ok I love to open up and tell her anyway even if she doesn't reciprocate.  She objectifies everyone?  Surely not me, I'm special and so authentic!  A little hard drug use here and there?  Ain't nothin' too bad - she has it under control and was honest about it.   Hell, she finds me attractive!

 

Now that I'm out of it I realize I stuck around because it was the best I thought I could do.  I thought I deserved the emotional abuse because of my own behaviors that were less than desirable. 

[Blessed0329]

Green Mango, thanks for bumping this. I was pondering this very issue today. My ex sent me an out of the blue email 2-1/2 weeks ago. He hedged by including me in a group email, but sent it out on the one year anniversary of the day he left our workplace (which began the end of the relationship). This was 2 weeks earlier than really necessary, and I believe something he felt he needed to do on that date specifically. He began the communication "if you are receiving this email... . " which was really only necessary for my benefit, not anyone else's. Getting the email hit me like an electric shock and it took literally an hour for me to calm down enough to respond. My reply, just to him, was friendly but distant. He replied 3 minutes later, gushing about how he is grateful for my friendship, and for my willingness to be the "lifeline of strength" for him. Whatever that means. I saw that as an attempt to bait me, and left it alone.

But, I began thinking about him again, a lot. it made me happy that he reached out, and although I had no intention of initiating anything, I was happily anticipating more communication from him.

Then today a disaster occurred to someone we know in common. I forwarded to him an email I had sent out to others. He replied several hours later, in a friendly, but distant way. And this upset me.

I had to ask myself why I was disappointed in his response. It was perfectly appropriate, and mirrored the email I had sent to him. I am still expecting him to come running back to me, begging for another chance, even though I know his narcissism will prevent him from doing that. I am still under the false belief that he holds my future happiness.

[RisingSun]

I do understand that no one holds the key to our happiness. I understood this throughout our 11 year relationship. I don’t feel that I relied on her to make me whole and happy. You can still end up stuck in an abusive relationship and not hold the idea or feeling  that someone hold the key to your happiness.

What keeps me stuck now is that when my stbxw left she took the life I helped her build along with her. I enjoyed the life we built together and miss it greatly.

Our land in the mountains, cabin (I helped build), loft in the city, our life’s dreams, the dog! she took it all and ran off with another man.

I’m having an easier time letting go of her than the life she ripped out from underneath me. I’m now left alone and experiencing the reality that someone sure can temporarily hold the key to our unhappiness.

[topknot]

Mutt, thank you for bumping this thread on a long holiday weekend that signifies the end of summer.  That in itself makes me sad, but reading these posts once more boosts my spirits that I am on the right path

[Hopeless777]

What a tough one to deal with. Everything I worked for for 28 years was for her. Now she's gone into crazy BPD land and I'm stranded not even knowing who I am anymore. But I'm trying. This site is great. But it's such a struggle to regain a sense of identity once you've mistakenly been the caregiver for so long.

[Tiepje3]

"In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special."

Back when I first learned about BPD, this was one of the first articles I read, and it sent chills through me. I couldn't believe it. It hurt. What do you mean I'm not that special? He said I was! (Occasionally). And he was the most amazing person, the one that I wanted to spend my life with, the one my world revolved around. Wasn't the feeling mutual?  It just had to be!

Slowing realizing that the above quote is true- damn, that hurt. It tooks weeks or months for it to set in, and for me to accept it.

------

Was I ripe for the picking?  I don't know. He definitely fulfilled a lot of my wants and needs-- but I don't think I 'overlooked' things originally because of them. My pwBPD didn't have any red flags (note: okay, before we even went on our first date, I knew he had been divorced twice, which I immediately saw as a red flag, but I decided that I wouldn't judge him because of that, and I would give him a chance. I thought it would be unfair and I might miss out on a good guy if I rejected him solely on that info.)

Yes, I was lonely. Same story as others. Recently divorced, new to town, and tired of watching the paint dry on my walls. But I had dated others, and while they were 'stable', they just weren't good matches for me. I'm in a small town where no one shares my interests and tastes. I was content, but yearned for more. I was bored, and I did feel unloved and stuck. I missed love. I missed having a special someone.

And then pwBPD came along- and drop everything! He was all that and a bag of chips. I mean, who WOULDN'T get hooked? Good looking, kind, generous, funny and witty, highly intelligent, soft spoken. I'm not a gold digger but he drove a nice car, had an awesome job, was well respected in the community. And the sparks- oh, was the chemistry divine! This was a love like no other, we understood each other (ha!), and it was like something out of the freaking movies like the Princess Bride. There should have been background music and gorgeous sunsets.

And that's what hooked me, and did make me feel like he held the key to my happiness. Suddenly having a gorgeous best friend who sent me flowers, promised me world travels, took me out to fine restaurants, helped my kids with their homework, took me to his cabin in the woods, would drop money on me on a whim... .Hell, I was a single mother on food stamps. I could barely afford gas. And he was amazed by my intelligence, always charmed by me, and was proud of me (I thought).  

For the first 4 months, we had zero problems. Then the breakups. Then, over the years, the bad behavior and mind games kicked in. The isolation. The lies. Manipulation. Accusations. Emotional affairs. Lack of respect. Hatred.  But yet, I still hung on... .because I couldn't give up the 70% awesomeness and perfection that came with the 30% bullsh!t. I didn't know anything about BPD or any other pd. I just figured if we could just work out this problem, or that problem, or deal with A, B, C... .life would be perfect. And the mountains we had should have been merely anthills- but yet would never get resolved.

I just always thought I was one counseling session away from Happily Ever After.

WOW... .this is EXACTLY my story!

I too stayed longer than I should because of the idea that the perfect good times outweighed the really bad times. I stayed longer than I should clinging on to the hope things would get back to 'normal'. In hindsight: it was actually never 'normal', always chaotic, impulsive, too high, too low.

[balletomane]

Before we became a couple he was my best friend.

We had a similar sense of humour. We were always laughing together. The conversation was never boring. After I developed feelings for him I kept them to myself for a long time, because I thought I wasn't his type romantically. The other people he dated were nothing like me. (They were also nothing like each other - looking back, I don't think he even has preferences, he will date anyone who shows him affection.) We got together when we stayed over at a mutual friend's house and had to share a bed. Not long after, the idealisation began. He told me that he loved me but had always felt I was way out of his league. He told me that he'd been stupid to think he'd ever had a good and safe and loving relationship before me. He made me feel as though I had made his world whole, and because of this, I began to reorganise my world around him. It was like a drug - the feeling of being so precious and so wanted. When the mood swings and the black-and-white behaviour and the manipulation kicked in, it was like a heroin addict being forced to go cold-turkey: I would do whatever I could to get back to the idealisation, not because I'm some bighead who wants to be praised and flattered all the time, but because slowly but surely my self-worth had crumbled and I relied on him for any confidence I had. I also wanted to believe that the compliments he paid me were real, that he genuinely saw these qualities in me. It was very painful to realise that these are no doubt things he says to any new partner, and maybe he wasn't really seeing me at all. His very unstable sense of personal identity was what clued me into the fact that what he said could easily be the whim of the moment, but what really drove it home was that horrible day when he invited me for what I thought was a nice lunch together because I'd been having a rough few weeks and it turned out to be a business-style meeting to tell me he'd replaced me with his flatmate. He said in that meeting, "Try and be brave. I have to be brave. It's not easy for me to try a new relationship," and I flashed back to the beginning of our relationship - he had said the exact same thing to me. He had presented himself as this shy, fragile, and vulnerable person who had been badly damaged by his exes and was in need of my love. I knew that this was what my replacement was getting, and that maybe she, like me, would be drawn in by the idea that she held the key to his happiness, that she could help him in a way no one else had. That treatment was what made me feel so unique. But it turned out I was just one in a line.