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Parents! Get help here!
Saying "I need help" is a huge first step. Here is what to do next.
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ParentofBPDteen

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« on: December 17, 2016, 08:50:29 PM »

My 16 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD a few weeks ago after two years of struggle and a lifetime of being our 'challenging' child (2nd oldest of four). Of course I torment myself with wondering what we did to exacerbate her BPD. It feels like there is so little help available, and we count ourselves among the lucky ones who have extra insurance to cover counselling. She is on multiple waiting lists for dbt therapy and a residential treatment centre. I am so afraid that we will run out of money to pay for all of this help and we have no one we can ask for financial help. We have another child heading to university soon and feel sick at heart that we cannot help him very much because all of our resources will be used to help our daughter. Every day is a gamble; some days have been very good and others full of her screaming, leaving the house, smoking marijuana, and other acting out. I'm tired to the depths of my brain and feel tremendous guilt about her and about how little time I have to give to my other children.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced January 2012
Posts: 11378



« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2016, 11:19:42 AM »

Hi ParentofBPDteen,

Welcome and hello  Smiling (click to insert in post)

You're among friends here. We understand what you're going through.

I finished reading Beyond Borderline and saw in the final pages a note from Dr. Gundersen (apparently a main advocate for defining the BPD diagnosis in the DSM) that people recover from BPD in a variety of ways. Many of them have stops and starts to their therapy, for many reasons. The takeaway is to keep moving forward, one small step at a time, toward hope. It will be two steps forward, one step back, and that is actually a forward momentum, even though the trajectory zigs and zags.
 
You may indeed run out of money for DBT, your D may not stay with it, and even so, everything can still work out ok. Set backs are to be expected.

I recommend the book Beyond Borderline as a hopeful touchpoint to help you through times of doubt. It includes essays from people who are BPD and recovered. Buddha and the Borderline is also hopeful (and realistic). Both increased my compassion when my tank was running empty.

My T tells me she has had BPD clients who go on to live lives worth living, that where there is a will, there is a way.

Our role is to learn the skills that help protect us and prevent us from enabling, to communicate in skillful ways that prevent things from getting worse. Allowing our loved ones to experience the consequences of their actions is an act of love, even though it is so painful to stand by and witness the trail of destruction they may wreak. It takes a lot of strength to do this.

Also, BPD and Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre is excellent. We become experts on the condition that terrorizes our loved ones by listening to others who understand this disorder from walking the path alongside us, and that includes experts as well as people here. So there's a lot of reading that goes on  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm glad you are here.

LnL
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Breathe.
ParentofBPDteen

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2016, 11:45:05 AM »

Thank you for the kind words and the book recommendations - I've been reading Rachel Reiland's autobiography, the Eggshells book, and am just starting "I hate you - Don't Leave Me." I will check out your suggestions very soon.
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drained1996
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 687


« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2016, 12:31:21 PM »

Hi ParentofBPDteen,

Welcome

I'd like to join livednlearned in welcoming you to the family.  So sorry your family is going through difficult times.  It is very mentally, emotionally and physically draining to have a loved one with borderline in our lives, and we understand... .
One thing many of us learned is that we cannot change them (that's on them) but we can change how we react to and communicate with them. 
Livednlearned points that out here:
Excerpt
Our role is to learn the skills that help protect us and prevent us from enabling, to communicate in skillful ways that prevent things from getting worse. Allowing our loved ones to experience the consequences of their actions is an act of love, even though it is so painful to stand by and witness the trail of destruction they may wreak. It takes a lot of strength to do this.
A good guide to helping move in the direction you will need to improve your abilities in that area can be found in the tools and lessons to the right margin of this page.  Combining the things you learn about the illness and its nuances with properly honed communication ideals and boundaries will definitely be of great help in your journey.  You've been given a lot to digest... .we know.  I suggest you take in what you can, but don't force the learning and understanding... .this is not a sprint.  We are here to walk with you.  You've found a great place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  Feel free to share any thoughts, feelings or questions anytime.
 
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ParentofBPDteen

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2016, 01:16:28 PM »

Thank you : )

Right now, I am struggling to wrap my head around the life-long nature of this disorder and the very real possibility that she may always be this way.
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drained1996
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 687


« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2016, 01:28:55 PM »

I completely understand that thought process.  I was completely overwhelmed when I first found out about a BPD diagnosis.  My head was all over the place, and it's to be expected... .that's normal!  I had to take a deep breath and calm down.  Take one with me.   
From my experience it's best to look at only what you can control.  For now, you know you can only control your part and there is a lot to be learned there. 
Many books are written with the ending not known to the author when they start.  You'll have chances for editing, re-writes etc, but essentially each chapter builds on the previous.  Let's focus on chapter 1 and what you can do to influence that chapter and see how the story begins to unfold.  Sound like something you can focus on?   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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