5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

[findingmyselfagain]

This was a belief I held onto most when the r/s was collapsing. I treated her well. We seemed to resolve things and agree on the major things. She seemed excited for so long. Nothing had really changed about me. I hoped that she would find that spark or memory of her love for me. I prayed very hard and hoped b/c I knew it had nothing to do with me. I had no idea what was going on with her. The sudden devaluation threw me into a major depression, longing for the "love of my life". I know the Truth now. The "way it used to be" wasn't as great as I made it out to be. For me, it was just nice to have someone in my life, paying so much attention to me. She accused me of "tuning her out" and "interrupting a lot", but of course she was always above her ever-changing set of rules. The truth is, she/it wasn't really that great. She hit me with enough love-bombs to keep me around. I was willing to settle b/c I wanted companionship/a family so badly (not a bad thing within themselves). Now I have to work on me, believing I deserve to enjoy the best life has to offer. This shouldn't be hard, but I have a lot of programming to re-do. The future looks brighter than it has in a while. My body/mind is my own enemy but I'm pushing as hard as I can.

[tailspin]

SB,

For me parallel beliefs were "If I change my behavior he will change" and "If it was my fault then I can fix it" and have found these stemmed from my tendency to want to control my expwBPD.  I used these rationalizations to continue/recycle the relationship.

What I've learned to be true is changing the behavior of the victim/non/us does not change the behavior of the person with the disorder.  Things went well for a few weeks but when my ex felt justified, he returned to his old tricks without regard or consideration for the changes I had made.  

This further reinforced my belief that it wasn't about me, but I didn't understand why is wasn't about me even after understanding the disorder.  That was until I realized... .children don't have empathy for thir parent and really don't understand their parent is a person with needs, thoughts, and feelings until their teen years.  If our expwBPD didn't successfully make the emotional separation individuation transition... .this realization will never be possible 

tailspin

[thinkcentre]

And I realised I didn't really know this person I was with. Because he really doesn't know himself. All his efforts were concentrated on showing me that he was 'well', that his depression that had caused him to behave as he had was now lifted. And he seemed desperate and sad and utterly exhausted.

I didn't believe half of what he said and what he said wore me down and scrambled my brain. But I knew more than anything that we would never go back to what we were because I see the disorder and I no longer trust a word he says.

I think I had a lucky escape because the contact has killed any fantasy I had left that he and I were meant to be together. Whoever he was is gone for now. I think the disorder is getting worse, taking over. I think he had more of a sense of self before, maybe through mirroring I don't know. Maybe he'll get that back again but he isn't who I want in my life as a life partner.

And, even if things went back to how they were, the good never lasted long enough for me to enjoy it; as soon as I relaxed enough to really get close to him he'd run. I don't want that back again.

And I see him absolutely idealising what we had right now. I tried to point out some of the negatives about me and him but he just sees me and him as perfect, even though he ran from it again and again.

I could have writtten part of this myself, my husband is idealizing things now, trying to convince me he is "getting well".

I've been through this enough times to know once he feels safe, he'll return to his consistent maladaptive behaviors.

I agree with the sentiments expressed that looking back maybe things were never that wonderful.

[sea5045]

.

What I've learned to be true is changing the behavior of the victim/non/us does not change the behavior of the person with the disorder.  

I got stuck thinking that if I did the right things, get therapy, go to yoga, twist and turn myself inside out, she would somehow see that I was healthy and she would somehow notice ? maybe and then she would want to do some of those things. But realizing they don't see themselves as difficult and can't take responsibility for their behaviors, it really was just me spinning my wheels while I got picked and plucked and eventually had no energy but to curl up in a fetal position, drink some wine, and avoid the tension.

[Ironmanrises]

For me... .

That belief... .

Died... .

Completely... .

When devaluation... .

With the accompanying... .

Discard... .

Occurred for the second time... .

After... .

She... .

Came back... .

To me... .

Begging and crying... .

"I want MY man back... ."

That belief... .

Only lasts... .

From point A... .

To point B... .

In time.

That is idealization.

Transitory.

The pain... .

As a consequence of that... .?

Lasting.

A belief... .

That was written... .

As gaping holes... .

In my shattered... .

Ironman suit.

[mitchell16]

yes, thats what kept me stuck. Becasue each time she would promise the moon. and she would deliver for a short period of time. But it always went back to the same thing each and everytime. relizing it would never change is what is helping me move on this time.