Step parents: Introductions

[DreamGirl]

I find it difficult to express my needs easily

I wonder how many of us are guilty of this?

I wonder how many of us aren't really even sure what our needs are?

[KHat]

This thread has been on my mind all day, especially the list that DG posted, and when BF and I came back to the office from lunch, I asked him to wait in the car for a minute.  I realized when reading that list what a great job he does at protecting me from a lot that is not mine to share, and I needed to thank him specifically for that.  I told him about this thread and that I realize that I have my issues to deal with, and I am grateful that he doesn't make it worse by sharing all of uBPDxW's issues with me too.

His response was that he is still learning how to do that, and it often weighs on him what he should share with me and what he should not.  I realized that I could probably formulate some guidelines with some thought.  Will it affect me?  Does it concern me and/or how I will stepparent the children?  Or will it just raise my blood pressure?

A lot of this requires extensive trust in him, and yet I need to realize he doesn't have the answers.  There was an incident months ago with SD12 involving every parent's nightmare ... .giving in to a boy's request to email certain photos, regretting it, and then hearing the boy say he hasn't used that account in over a year.  Now there's a criminal investigation pending, but the root issue is why the child felt compelled to do something she knew was so wrong so that someone would like her.  Is this something I needed to know?  Probably not; she was so embarrassed and didn't even want her father to know (she didn't want ANYONE to know but she was making herself sick over the situation).  I haven't even known these children for a year yet and so don't have the bonds with them that many of you have with your stepchildren.  Still, if there was restrictive punishment involved like no computer or cell phone, maybe I should have been told something.  We are NOT yet married, our relationship is very early, and earlier still where the children are involved, so I really am something of an accessory to their father-children relationship right now. 

I think that where trust is weak, anything negative is possible.  And that goes all around ... .if I don't trust him, I could think his constant communication with uBPDxW is enmeshment or even arranging to reconcile, when it's merely her changing the drop-off point twenty times.  If his children don't trust him, they could believe their mother's claim that he doesn't love them.  If he listens to all the horrible things that the ex says, he could lose trust that any of us love him.  Bonds of trust should grow stronger and stronger between people, but sometimes it seems that a pwBPD has no other mission than to try to create chinks in order to feel better about themselves or take the focus off them.

[DreamGirl]

This thread has been on my mind all day, especially the list that DG posted, and when BF and I came back to the office from lunch, I asked him to wait in the car for a minute.  I realized when reading that list what a great job he does at protecting me from a lot that is not mine to share, and I needed to thank him specifically for that.  I told him about this thread and that I realize that I have my issues to deal with, and I am grateful that he doesn't make it worse by sharing all of uBPDxW's issues with me too.

Sometimes it's realizing what we do have... .rather then focusing on what we don't have.

He loves you. The rest to me? It's all just noise. I firmly believe (in the romantic that is me) that as long as you have a foundation to work from (love, commitment, etc.) that perserverance is possible.  

His response was that he is still learning how to do that, and it often weighs on him what he should share with me and what he should not.  I realized that I could probably formulate some guidelines with some thought.  Will it affect me?  :)oes it concern me and/or how I will stepparent the children?  Or will it just raise my blood pressure?

You know... .It think it just takes practice.

 

I also think it is wonderful that you are preemptive in your efforts here.  I waited until my limits were surpassed beyond measure.  I was in a dire and desperate place before I sought help (therapy).  I needed professional help to learn to set limits with my husband because I had enabled him for a very long time. Placed all the needs of those around me as my top priority.

I screwed up.  

Is this something I needed to know?  Probably not; she was so embarrassed and didn't even want her father to know (she didn't want ANYONE to know but she was making herself sick over the situation).  I haven't even known these children for a year yet and so don't have the bonds with them that many of you have with your stepchildren.  Still, if there was restrictive punishment involved like no computer or cell phone, maybe I should have been told something.  We are NOT yet married, our relationship is very early, and earlier still where the children are involved, so I really am something of an accessory to their father-children relationship right now.  

So, I think this was a good opportunity to help the relationships involved (#8 on our list!).  BPD mothers can affect their children in various ways with the results being the children possibly manifesting certain behaviors (lack of personal boundaries/values) and adverse feelings (anxiety, shame, worry) just like your SD seemed to have done.  A good opportunity to build that bond you speak of here - for you and her - could have been possibly for you to show her that you have no judgements, that you love her even though she did something that brings her shame. No lectures, no parenting advice, just an understanding that we do stupid stuff. Her father telling you her "secret" may have even helped in shedding the shame a little bit, not breaking her trust. There is a big difference between privacy and shame - even though the line seems to be so very thin.    

I think that where trust is weak, anything negative is possible.  And that goes all around ... .

Bonds of trust should grow stronger and stronger between people

100% agreed and extremely well put... . 

[ennie]

Great thread, DG.  I will have to read more thoroughly when I have more time.  But for starters:

I am stepmom to two girls, almost 7 and 11 years old.  I have been with my DH 4 years, married one year.  The kids live with us half of the time, every other week.  We have known each other about 9 years, though I did not know DH well until about 9 months after his break up.  Up until some recent legal action over custody issues, we had been told that their mom was daignosed as BPD about 3 years ago.  Now her of and on BF says that he just talked to a psychologist, that she was not interviewed (he had said she was diagnosed and had lengthy interviews with the T).  So who knows about the diagnosis, but suffice it to say that she meets all the DSM criteria.  I always have a hard time understanding if she is low or high functioning... .her BF originally said the psychologist said she was "severe", but who knows.  She has no job, has a hard time developing a stable place to live, not very coherent.  But, she does not cut and is very violent or physically abusive to the kids, and is pretty open at some moments, so it could be worse.  That said, she is totally unable to engage in any conversation with DH or me or about either of us that does not paint us black at some point... .even when she wants to be loving.  She has threatened to kill us, tried to run over DH with a car, left screaming messages on a pretty regular basis, accused us of child abuse (though did not report anything, thankfully), and so forth and so on. 

I came here to learn about BPD and understand how it impacts the kids and my DH.  I see how important I am in the kids' lives, and want to honor the kids' mom while helping them to be their own people, and learn skills to cope with their BPD mom.  I also am working on my ability to be loving and at peace with this situation and the kids' mama.  I come from a Buddhist orientation, which sort of includes detachment in love, and also am good at setting boundaries.  I have really found this board to be a great place to support being compassionate while setting boundaries. 

I have had a hard time on this board with what I feel to be an overly rigid idea about the role of step-parents.  I am a 42 year old woman who has worked with kids my whole life, and who does not want to be a mom.  I have home schooled others' kids, have been an active aunt, have taught school and teach at a camp.  So for me, the role of mentor is familiar.  I also live in a small community where many divorced families have worked out really loving and supportive co-parenting relationships.  My dad's girlfriend of 10 years officiated my marriage, at which my mom and dad spoke.  My mom and dad's GF co-organized my bridal shower.  So for me, there are fewer models locally of competitive relationships between mom and SM.  I do not volunteer in school, but I often help put the kids to bed, and do other parenting tasks.  My DH does most of the pick ups and drop offs, I do it one day a week.  HE does most of the homework.  The kids and I are close, and BM's rage at me has not stopped the girls from loving me.  My experience is that anything I do is triggering for BM--contacting her or not, backing off parenting roles or not, so I have decided to do what feels right to me, my DH, and the kids. I see a child psychologist for step parenting advice, and he points out the the litmus test for step-parenting is whether the kids still love you, because they will not love you if it does not work for them.  They love me.  So far... .

A therapist recently asked me what my biggest goal is with the girls in terms of parenting, and I said "To help the girls to love themselves and their mom for ALL of who they are, and to help to model loving their mom even when she is doing painful things, without losing their sense of self and while still having boundaries."  or Something like that. 

I am close with the girls in some ways, not in others, and it seems really good so far over the past 4 years. i have seen the girls gain lots of skills and self knowledge.  My DH and I have a very loving partnership.

My challenges are

1) dealing with the constant drama and the stress on me--I have come to see that I am just not that great at dealing with the stress of having someone angry at me all the time, especially when that anger is filtered through and harms the kids.

2) Trying to find time for myself in being a SM, helping my DH deal with family law issues, and being a lawyer. 

3)Trying to figure out a way to both be the advocate I need to be if I am going to have a BPD person in my life (she i constantly campaigning against me in our community, and I just keep telling our story... .), and trying to find a place of love and no judgment in my heart for her... .I strive for this for myself, as this keeps me less angry and stressed; for the kids, as I think my feelings about their mom speak as loud as any words I say, and when I am able to love her, it is easier for them to be okay with her for who she is rather than needing to focus on and defend her more crazy aspects; and also as it enables me to tell a clearer story when need be, about who she and we are in all of this.  I have meditated more lately than any time in the past 10 years, have been walking a lot, seeing various therapist, doing tons of research, and so forth. 

4) Embracing my own values and allowing it to be okay that our culture has so many expectations of step mothers.  I have come to see that each step parent has a different situation... .one of the great things about this role is the lack of clear role definitions.  Kids do not need a particular thing from you... .so what you provide is the result of the special alchemy between the kids, your spouse, and you. 

5) my biggest challenge as far as my own personal life is figuring out how to move forward with goals and plans with all the emotional drama as well as the constant action of parenting.  I was building our home when I met DH, and we now live in it as of last year.  Usually, I take time off and take a trip to deal with major transitions.  I am self-employed, and usually put significant time into deciding "what next" during changes in course.  I have started a number of advocacy organizations and projects, and need time to develop this stuff... .not just time, but mental and emotional space in my life.  I really do not have that right now.  So I am a little stuck in this transition phase of my life, which leaves me more available to fill gaps in our family... .for example, we have a lack of maids, cleaning staff, babysitters, and the like... .and here I am!  Not what I want to do with all my time, but I do not have that big project, so I can put off appointments with clients, etc... .the result is that it gets harder for me to form my own direction. 

This last period has been one of the best so far in terms of me being able to make progress on being loving with the kids' BPD mom, while being free of her drama and having my own life.  I attribute this to the inner  work I have done with all your encouragement over the past 4 years, to my recently meditating more, to having the support of therapists, and to my own increasing willingness to be okay with MY place as a SM, which is more engaged in some ways, less in others.  Because I am not a mom, my life is not focused on childrearing and householding--I do not have a daily carpool already for my kids, do not need to do housewifery on my own.  So in that sense, I am more resistant to helping DH in those ways.  But I have lots of experience working with kids, that is my gift.  Also, I am an attorney.  So I help in being there for the kids as a close mentor . There is a lot of love between us, lots of room for deep conversation and teaching life skills.  This seems closer than lots of SMs are with their step kids, but it feels right to us.  On the other hand, I need alone time and I take it.  Little trips with girlfriends, my own art studio, etc.  I have boundaries with the kids, and I find that helps our relationship.  I do my best to empower my DH in his parenting, and back him up.  But we also are clear between us and the kids that each person is responsible for clearly communicating boundaries, including the kids.  I do not go to my DH when I want SD10 to stop hitting her sister; likewise, when SD6 wants me to help her with something, she asks me. 

My favorite things about this site are the wealth of information on BPD that exists here, the wealth of info about what issues we all are likely to have in dealing with this challenging disorder, and the prevalence of the idea of radical acceptance as a way of addressing what otherwise would seem like the something that is wrong in our lives.  The pitfall is that I find myself focusing on the "negative", not by badmouthing or complaining, but by focusing on the dysfunction rather than the function.  I spoke with the mother of my SDs the other day, and could see her trying so hard to be loving, so unable.  I want others to understand what I am going through, but I also feel like it is just right... .just how it is.  So how to explore my issues, move through them, separate what is not mine to change (namely, BM's mental illiness) and what is mine--while still needing to explain to teachers why the kids are missing so much school with mom, why we need help, or to mutual friends why we are going to court again, or why DH cannot have a beer at the potluck (because BM is seriously alcoholic and only willing to sign a court order not to drink with the kids if DH does), and all the other banal explanations needed when someone is conducting a constant campaign against you... .phew. 

Thanks for being here, folks!

[DreamGirl]

There she is. 

[NorthernGirl]

This last period has been one of the best so far in terms of me being able to make progress on being loving with the kids' BPD mom, while being free of her drama and having my own life.  I attribute this to the inner  work I have done with all your encouragement over the past 4 years, to my recently meditating more, to having the support of therapists, and to my own increasing willingness to be okay with MY place as a SM, which is more engaged in some ways, less in others. 

You really are an inspiration Ennie.  And proof that focusing internally can help us be stronger and happier -- rather than waiting on anyone else to change.  And thanks for being honest about the work it takes to do what you do.  There are many days I beat myself up for not being able to just be okay with all of this.  For not being more patient, more understanding or more assertive.  But it takes work, so I need to keep at it.  You and the other strong women on this site help me a lot.

[marlo6277]

Okay, so I dropped in very early on in the thread and then got busy! ACK I hate that!  ;p

Trying to catch up here and really enjoying this thread of smart, caring women who are doing the best they can with what they got. 

A few things have resonated with me about the thread (and forgive me as I don't totally remember who said what!). 

Trust - Trust is HUGE in my opinion.  My own relationship with my DH has had my level of trust for him challenged.  This is something that is very difficult to overcome and endure all at the same time.  My own trust of BM has also been repeatedly challenged and so I no longer have much trust where she is concerned - both as a mother and as a human being on a one to one level. 

The list - I find it interesting that the list is so extensive and what I'm reading from all you great ladies is that our own perception of the world has totally changed since our relationships have begun.  For the better? For the worse? Who knows really. 

But no one pulled me aside and told me that my entire view of the world would change drastically when I began this relationship, that my own morals would be challenged (sometimes daily) and that I would actually become damaged from being a step-parent to children with a BPD mother.  When I say damaged - I mean, financially, spiritually, emotionally and on some occasions physically. 

Yet I still want to continue to do it! It's like that saying - Life is going to knock you down sometimes, it's whether you get up or stay down and it's a choice. I choose to get up and fight on.

All of these things are merely consequences of the job of being a step-parent to children with a BPD parent.   And I think those of us who do the best at this job are the ones that feel the most 'consequences'.  Kinda strange isn't it? The ones who are the most empathetic to the children are the ones who are going to be best in their role.  But they are also going to be the ones who feel the most impact from doing such a good job. 

Catch 22? Maybe, but really - would you have it any other way? 

I know I have my own views on step parenting as a lot of you all know already.  I'm pretty no nonsense when it comes to my role.  I don't hide from it and I don't try to overstep either.  But I'm not going to shy away from it or tip toe around it when my kids ask me and need me. My measure of what they need from me comes from them.  It's not what DH thinks they need or what mom thinks I should be willing to do, it's what my children tell me and show me that they need that I am focused on. All the rest is 'just noise' as DH says. 

Marlo   

[marlo6277]

I find it difficult to express my needs easily

I wonder how many of us are guilty of this?

I wonder how many of us aren't really even sure what our needs are?

For myself - I don't find I have a problem expressing what my needs are.  I freely tell DH (and friends) what my needs are. 

The issue I have is that I have a difficult time putting it into practice.  What I mean by this - is outside support for me so that I can actually do some of these things.  Some people have family members who can help out - DH and I have no family in town. Everyone lives at least an hour away.  So that is a huge undertaking right there.  No one wants to drive an hour to help us out because they all have their own issues (DHs sister and her 2 children take up an enormous amount of DH's parents' time).  My own folks are not well equipped to deal with the level of trauma that my skids have experienced and I've also been my parent's child my whole life - My skids are not ready to have their parenting enforced.  And I would never do that to the skids!

DH is the person that I need to lean on to ensure that I can actually have time for me.  And as I've already said - my trust in him has been challenged on more than one occasion.  I'm learning that I can depend only myself if I need something - so how does that balance out? Not sure yet. Still working on it. 

As far as outside sources for friends - our jobs don't really allow us the time to actually visit with friends regularly - we both work shift work and all of our friends live over an hour away as well.  Most of our weekends are spent working and our friends all work Mon-Fri.  This poses a huge problem as well.  I have this weekend off (YAY!) and my next weekend off is not until the end of May.  This makes it difficult to have a life outside of work and home. 

So this is where I am struggling to figure out how to actually get what I need.  I know what I need, I just need to figure out how to get it. 

Marlo

[sideliner]

But no one pulled me aside and told me that my entire view of the world would change drastically when I began this relationship, that my own morals would be challenged (sometimes daily) and that I would actually become damaged from being a step-parent to children with a BPD mother.  When I say damaged - I mean, financially, spiritually, emotionally and on some occasions physically. 

Yeah, wow... .I really feel this.  And not in a depressive kind of way... .not in a "I'm damaged goods and can't handle the difficult situations I'm in" kind of way... .more like I would imagine it would be to be wounded on the battlefield.  When you enlist, you might not be aware of the real possibility of actually going to war.  Once there, even though you understand being at war means people will try to kill you, it's still probably quite a shock to get shot.  But if it isn't fatal, and you recuperate, I don't think you necessarily spend a whole lot of time thinking how unacceptably and outrageously unfair it is that as a soldier you ended up in a war in which someone tried to kill you.  Stepparenting probably isn't always such a full-contact sport as it is when there's a BPD in the mix.  But it's a pretty hefty thing to enlist for regardless.  And we here were the ones who subsequently found ourselves "called up".  It's weird to carry the scars and see the wreckage and still not want it any other way.  I think maybe that's what's had me so ambivalent lately... .I am feeling the need to acknowledge my scars, and even have others acknowledge and respect them, at the same time as I am finally feeling like the battles I've chosen to fight are beginning to show that they were worthwhile, and that there was a reason for me to be there... .it's a weird mix of emotions.

[marlo6277]

Yeah, wow... .I really feel this.  And not in a depressive kind of way... .not in a "I'm damaged goods and can't handle the difficult situations I'm in" kind of way... .

Yes, Sideliner - that's exactly what I meant.  And your reference to a soldier made me think of my cousin.  He is a lifelong soldier - he's in his early 50s now, but he's been full time military since he was out of school.  Even after he qualified for his pension - he keeps on going.  He's seen the world several times over always going back to battle and keep the peace (That's what us Canadians do!) 

He found himself a very strong woman (even though she stands no taller than 4'10" and I would not want to mess with her in a dark alley!    She had 3 daughters from another marriage and my cousin helped raised those girls.  He also went on to have 4 more children with this lady.  And the story that makes us all laugh is every time he went off to war, he'd come home and within a year a new baby was born.  So they each have their own 'title' - one is the Kosovo kid, another is the Sarajevo Son, etc... .you get the picture.  It's proof that even though you see and understand the battles, you want to go back and continue that good fight.  And then as with the birth of each child, life goes on.  Each of those children represent a significant part of his life and a story for each of their births.  One that is told out of love and dedication to his work and to his family. 

Stepparenting probably isn't always such a full-contact sport as it is when there's a BPD in the mix.  But it's a pretty hefty thing to enlist for regardless.  And we here were the ones who subsequently found ourselves "called up".  It's weird to carry the scars and see the wreckage and still not want it any other way.

I would be interested to know what each of your backgrounds are as far as how things were growing up.  I know for me, I was always a caretaker.  I looked after my sister (5 yrs younger) my entire life.  My parents both worked and in the evenings, they were exhausted.  So they had me look after her. Take her out with me when I would play with my friends.  It was actually to the point where when I look back, I did far more than would be expected of any 7 yr old child looking after her 2 yr old sister.  I begged my parents to allow me my own time to hang with my friends - but no go.  So I was always in that 'caretaker' mode. 

When I was 11, I began babysitting for the people in the neighbourhood.  They paid me next to nothing, but it was the perfect excuse for me not to have to look after my sister.  I was too busy looking after other people's children and getting paid for it.  One woman had 4 children under the age of 5.  I babysat for her all the time.  I would go over and help her out even when she was home - assisting with dishes, laundry, you name it. At 11 yrs old!  This carried throughout my teen years.  My babysitting schedule got so busy that I really hardly had time for anything else. Always looking after kids and helping out.

So I can see why I found myself married to a man with 3 children to a disordered mother. I guess you could say its in my genes... .

Anyone else have similar stories of being a caretaker growing up?

Marlo   

[sideliner]

Yeup, absolutely.  When my parents separated after my dad had an affair, I was my mom's confidant/caretaker.  She was always so amazed about how "wise" I was, that she really felt like she could talk to me and I could give her helpful advice and support.  I was 7.  Really.  In defense of my mom, or better - in _understanding_, because in hindsight, she and I both understand now that this was not cool, but as an adult I at least have insight... .she was horribly depressed and insomniac, and didn't have the other relationships she should have had, and didn't know how to look for help.  Nonetheless, the fact is that from 7 to around 13 I was her emotional caretaker, and it was totally wrong of her to put me in that position.  We went through a number of years, more or less the decade between 17 and 27, when I pretty much avoided any level of closeness with her, which was what I needed in order to be able to sort out my own feelings and desires and decisions and sense of self.  She went back and forth during this time between 1)feeling guilty and responsible, and 2)guilting me for blaming her, which I really wasn't, I was just doing what I needed to do.  But since I did do what I needed to do, regardless, and because it turned out that deep down what my mom truly wanted was for me to be happy and healthy, we found eachother again later in life once I had wandered through the places I needed to explore and she had learned to accept that making mistakes and owning them didn't mean she had to punish herself forever.  These days we have a normal, healthy, typically flawed, mutually supportive relationship.

The good and bad of my mother's parenting has been a really helpful key to me for understanding BPD.  I can say now, knowing what I do from an experiential perspective, that my mom does NOT have BPD.  She obviously had major boundary issues, and screwed me up plenty in the process of learning how to deal with life more appropriately.  But when I see the way BPDm has used SD shamelessly to support her own ego, without any regard to her well-being, or any compunction about deliberately crushing her sense of self (to the point of condemning her for "being happy" - not that she got to be that very often) I see a whole new world of negation and abuse. 

But is it any wonder I have struggled with codependency throughout my life, and that the boundaries I am able to stand strong on now have all been hard-won, with a lot of wreckage to show for it?  Is this part of the reason why I would make the choice to be a step-parent in this situation, given that I have enough of a background in mental health to have a pretty good idea what I was getting into? Probably.  Would I change that last part? No. 

[sideliner]

ooh... .little addendum I forgot to mention.  As I said, I'm pretty confident my mom has never qualified as borderline, but I'll bet my last dollar _her_ mom was... .ah, the way these things play out... .

[DreamGirl]

marlo... .I can't help but wonder. Who takes care of you?  :'(

Anyone else have similar stories of being a caretaker growing up?

I wasn't a caretaker of siblings. I was the baby.

There was a lot of focus and time spent on my older brother ever since I could remember, he was an addict and a pretty destructive one.  (clean and sober now for 10 years!)  There was a lot of dysfunction in my home, and I wasn't really paid too much attention. Not until my behavior started manifesting and my coping skills included some pretty tough stuff [drugs, running away, promiscuity, etc.]. Even then, I just kinda did whatever it is that I wanted. I then became a single mama at 17 and it's been an uphill climb ever since.

So for me, I think I moreso have a bit of a desire to be taken care of - but really don't know how to find comfort in it.  I also don't think I always do a very good job of taking care of myself.  

I am cut from different cloths when it comes to the role I found myself in. I am two parts rescuer, one part martyr, and three parts codependent. Not the ideal combination.  So for me, I think there was definitely a draw to the kiddos in my situation. Unbeknownst to me, my underlying issues definitely had me rescuing [perhaps even an attempt for my little 7 year old self], all while thinking that if I did all these things for my stepfamily - my husband would appreciate just how wonderful I am! Even though I didn't quite believe in my wonderfuldom myself.  

So I am definitely a work in progress.

Like others here, I have tales of a difficult childhood, including having my own boundaries shattered and a certain innocence lost. As a result, I think I am blessed with a certain compassion and empathy. I know what it's like to be a complete disaster. I know what it's like to have terrible coping skills.  I know what it's like to struggle in your self worth.  I know what it's like to have a parent who struggles in being a good parent.  So as much as I've been hindered in this life by poor examples, I also think it lends me to actually have success in all this.

I think we all have what it takes.

~DreamGirl

[marlo6277]

marlo... .I can't help but wonder. Who takes care of you? 

DG ~ really - I'm working on it.  I'm working on taking care of me.    As the kids are getting a little older now, I am allowing them to begin looking after themselves for shorter bursts - coming home a little later from work and they have to fend for themselves for an hour or so.  My middle SD does not like this at all (she's 11 almost) as she is very codependant herself and very anxious about not being RIGHT NEXT to a parent.  She's going to have to learn to cope with things a little better. 

I see alot of myself in my SD11.  She is very much the caretaker - she is constantly worried about her mother.  Always needing to check in on her, needing to know that she is okay. Needing to know really whether or not her mother is still alive.  (I am actually being quite serious here)  I am trying to get her to see she can be left alone and she will be okay.  That I might not be home right after work and it doesn't mean that I'm not coming home at all.  It just simply means that I'm late. That's it. No big drama, no big accident. I'm just late. And she is okay as well.  This one is tough.  But at the same time, it affords the ability to look after me a little bit too.  I used to switch shifts and get up before dawn so I could be home by 5 pm so I could have dinner on the table when the kids leave after school care and they could see that we were home for them.

Now, I let myself leave work at 6 pm (when I work day shift) and I get to sleep in an extra hour (5;30 am  ).  I don't get home till almost 7 pm, but you know what? The kids will live. They may struggle with it at first, but they'll live. They can have tv dinners one or two days a week for dinner if they don't want leftovers. It's not going to kill them. And I'm not going to kill myself trying to make a full meal every night either after working 12 hrs.  So ya - I'm taking care of me in little bursts. 

We gotta do what we gotta do.  They will live - there are 3 of them after all to keep each other company and one is a teenager!  They should be able to function or an hour or so... .however, it's been a struggle for them and for me.     But we're getting there.  Take it where I can get it.  And life goes on... .

[marlo6277]

DG ~ Same question to you:

So for me, I think I moreso have a bit of a desire to be taken care of - but really don't know how to find comfort in it.  I also don't think I always do a very good job of taking care of myself.  

Who takes care of DG?

  Marlo  

[DreamGirl]

x

Who takes care of DG?

My own mama.  She's retired and the most dependable person on the planet.  I also think we're making up for lost time.  

I also have some pretty great friends who always answer my phonecalls - and exercise some pretty fantastic patience with yours truly.

AND then there is my therapist... .

Who also helped me in opening some doors for my husband [and my precious marriage]. It helped him a lot when he was able to understand that it's not that I don't trust him... .I don't trust anybody. So we're working on that.

So I AM learning! I ask for help! I have needs! I get to say no sometimes!

Who'd a thought I ever had it in me.

  DreamGirl

[NorthernGirl]

I was somewhat of a caregiver -- the babysitter for younger siblings but mostly neighbourhood kids like Marlo was.  I spent lots of time babysitting in my teens and also had 9 nieces and nephews, so never really was concerned about being a parent myself. I didn't have as much chaos as many of you did growing up. I'm not sure if that helps me be stronger now, or if it means I am even more dumbfounded when I deal with dysfunction!

On my good days, I have sympathy for BPD and can imagine that her life must be hell.  She has hermit traits and so spends many days living in fear, which must be horrible. I realize the kids must have grown up surrounded by this fear and they still don't have any sort of stability. On my bad days, I get frustrated believing that BPD knows she is ill but does nothing about it, and prefers to just push it onto her children. And I see the kids taking on some of her traits and get frustrated that my DH isn't trying to stop it.

I need to keep coming on this board to learn patience and coping skills from those of you who are better at it than me.

[GaGrl]

I was the oldest, with one younger sister who died of breast cancer at age 31 -- so now I'm the only, with aging parents (89 and 85).

My mother's stepmother was uNPD/BPD and made my mother's life hell from the time she married my grandad.  My bio grandmother died in her second pregnancy, when my mother was a 4-year-old child.  The stepmother was really the only mother she knew, and SM was jealous of the father/daughter relationship, interfering, restrictive, controlling, raging at times, manipulative all the time, you name it.

My mother is remarkably well-adjusted, considering.  But there's a level of neurotic behavior there, and I did some emotional care-taking while at the same time trying to protect my personal space and boundaries.  My sister was not as protective and ended up doing most of the care-taking as a young adult.  I had to be careful when we lost my sister that I NOT let my mom try to turn me into a substitute for her relationship with my sister. 

My DH is the real caretaker in our family, and it's a role he relishes.  I'm spoiled rotten when it comes to DH.

[DreamGirl]

I need to keep coming on this board to learn patience and coping skills from those of you who are better at it than me.

Gosh, NG... .

I think you're doing a pretty good job.  

[KHat]

Ennie, I wish more than anything to know how to get to where you are sometime in the next three years.  I feel like a foreigner in my home when the girls are there - I can't ask them to do anything like set the table, because they won't do it, resent me asking, and I have no authority if they don't.  I am specifically excluded from D8's birthday party this weekend, per her request (her father will be there).  And she made a point of writing it on the calendar with "4 of us" underlined, meaning her mother, father, sister and her.  I know she is still dealing with a lot and it will take time, but I wish I knew how to slowly navigate to that happy ending.

I would be interested to know what each of your backgrounds are as far as how things were growing up.

I can't really say I was a caretaker.  My mother had some strong BPD traits and raised me with a lot of shame.  Nothing was ever good enough, no success could be celebrated without a criticism of an imperfection or a fear that it wouldn't last.  I felt like I embarrassed or disappointed her constantly.  It was my role from childhood on to come home from school, do all the family's laundry, start dinner, and clean just about everything (my brother and I had chores we HAD to do, and then there were extra major chores, like scrubbing bathtubs or polishing the dining room furniture, for extra spending money).  :)uring my high school years I was the oldest of four, since we had guardianship over two distant cousins.  But an acceptable excuse was being involved in after-school activities such as band, sports or yearbook, so I overextended myself to a) try to win my parents' approval and b) to avoid home life.  I left home at 16 on an international study abroad scholarship and then began college a year early upon my return, but again, while my mother boasted about me to others, to my face it was always that I wasn't taking challenging enough courses, that I was gaining too much weight (I've always been at a healthy BMI), that my clothes were somehow shameful, that the boys I liked were stupid.  This continued into my adulthood, and when I divorced my ex-husband, my mother blamed me for the failure of the marriage.  Every risk I've taken has been fraught with tension for me, constantly second-guessing myself, and she opposed every one of them, even while saying it was a shame I wasted all my potential in life.

Incidentally, my brother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in college after a failed suicide attempt.  My mother was, in some ways, gentler on him (his looks, relationships and behavior didn't reflect on her the same way mine did) and some ways harder (he was a certifiable genius).  He couldn't take the pressure either and tried to commit suicide several more times and used alcohol to self-medicate, as well as just resigning himself to her disappointment by dropping out of school, moving home, and becoming a clerk in a video store.  He died in a car crash at the age of 26, and I felt like the one person in my life who "got it" was gone.  Still, we all attributed his problems to a chemical deficiency of the brain than anything in our upbringing.

So of course when I finally find a relationship with my boyfriend, who is wonderful at accepting me just as I am (even if I can't accept myself as I am), it figures that it comes along with his uBPDxW who is as horribly critical and unable to please as my mother.  My mother's passing away several months ago left me feeling more conflicted when she was alive, like my opportunity to prove her wrong went with her.  I have tried to self-heal and surround myself with people who love and support me, but the pwBPD speaks in my mother's voice, and I am grateful to my BF for every time he mutes it by preventing her words from reaching my ears.  Still, I am anxious and hypervigilant with how I relate to their children, and as usual, find it safer to stay an observer than take the risk of becoming involved and doing the wrong thing.

That's kind of what I meant in an earlier post about how my own issues dovetail in a way that make me more susceptible to the machinations of the pwBPD in my life.

[DreamGirl]

((KHat))

I think you are just the best.  I have such a huge respect for your awareness and your kind heart.

That outright exclusion had to be very hurtful.  If it makes you feel any better at all?  My middle SD has told me she hated me. I really think it was how she felt at the time - had a lot to do with loyalty and grief - not me personally.

We're in a much better place now.

It does get better.  Time really does help everyone.  

x

[KHat]

((KHat))

I think you are just the best.  I have such a huge respect for your awareness and your kind heart.

That outright exclusion had to be very hurtful.  If it makes you feel any better at all?  My middle SD has told me she hated me. I really think it was how she felt at the time - had a lot to do with loyalty and grief - not me personally.

We're in a much better place now.

It does get better.  Time really does help everyone.  

x

Thanks, DG.  Most of what you say DOES make me feel better, which is one of the reasons I read here so often.  It's as much moral support as it is a toolbox.

 

[jmarie951]

i'm a SM of a 6 year old little girl and have been since she was 2. I have 3 bio kids as well (2, 5, and 9), we are custodial to all.

My SD's mom is uBPD. Things have been (relatively) good for some time now, however, she has been threatening to go back to court... .not sure if it will really happen or not... .

I joined BPD family to get some support and found it when needed.

We still have to battle some of the strange behaviors from BM, but as I said before, things are going rather well. I have learned to ignore most of the threats and strange behavior. I can see that most of the time my worries are useless, and really, unneeded as she very rarely puts forth effort to change her situation. Ultimately, if she ever did get herself together, it would be the best circumstance for SD... .So no reason to be stressed!

[marlo6277]

DG ~

So for me, I think I moreso have a bit of a desire to be taken care of - but really don't know how to find comfort in it.  I also don't think I always do a very good job of taking care of myself. 

Just for the record... .I totally knew you had it in you.    Cuz you're kinda a rock star like that.  Just saying... .   

  Marlo   

[marlo6277]

I need to keep coming on this board to learn patience and coping skills from those of you who are better at it than me.

Gosh, NG... .

I think you're doing a pretty good job.  

Ditto!       

[DreamGirl]

marlo... .  x    x

i'm a SM of a 6 year old little girl and have been since she was 2. I have 3 bio kids as well (2, 5, and 9), we are custodial to all.

Hi!

[ennie]

I'd love to hear what has worked best for others.  It really is frustrating to read guides that talk about joyous coparenting experiences, like Demi Moore & Bruce Willis have found, and know that it probably won't ever be our experience.  I go through life very careful not to upset even strangers, and having someone out there who hates me so venomously is more of a burden than I have ever wanted.

I wanted to address this specifically.  First, I so hear you on the envy of joyous co-parenting relationship!  I do not feel the feeling of missing out when it comes to my choice not to have children... .but I really feel like I am missing out when it comes to happy, functional blended families! People here work well together for the most part.  I have a particular friend who I see as the ideal ex-wife in law... .I am sure I would be terribly jealous if she really WAS my DH's ex wife, as she is gorgeous, self assured, talented... .and also totally comfortable with her ex's fathering, his partner being a member of the family.  They all have holidays together.  :)H and I, on the other hand, really want the kids to have a little of this so are willing to endure an xmas eve brunch at which his ex spends the entire time telling him how bad a father he is, either overtly or just by telling him the kids are always sick because of him and he does not take care of the kids, and so forth.  Not so fun.  

As for what works... .I have found myself more curious about the "me" part of the equation lately.  Being hated, or disliked, is something very uncomfortable for me.  I am very diplomatic and really pro-active about settling any dispute or hard feelings I have with anyone.  With the kids' BPD mom, there is no way she is going to like me (and also, I can tell she DOES like me, which REALLY upsets her!), so I just have to be okay with that.  I get to see how intensely challenging that is for me.  And to ask myself, WHY is that sho hard for me?  Also, being blamed is REALLY hard for me.  BPD mom called last night to tell DH the kids are sick, and I overheard her message... .it was so laced with blame.  I immediately 1) felt guilty that the kids had consumed sugar the day before returning to their mom's; 2) felt guilty for taking SD6 to school with a sniffle on my day last week for kid drop-off, though I told the teacher, and she was not running a temperature, and I also had DH tell mom that she was sick (in other words, I was a good part of a co-parenting team); 3) talked to DH about me being the one to make the call about sickness on the day I take the kids to school (I had asked him to be the bottom line for much the same reason, and he had said SD6 should go to school as she was not running a fever or too sick); 4) talked to DH about how the kids should wear coats and rest if they have a sniffle.  Basically, I felt guilty and passed the blame on to my DH.  

That is not what I want to do with blame.  OR hatred.  Where do I get stuck?  I really admire people who can honestly say, "Who cares what they think?  You can't make 'em all happy all the time!"   So why am I waking up at three in the morning and thinking of ways I can explain myself or things I can make better so that they WILL LIKE ME?  

We all want to be liked, and I do value my diplomacy... .at the same time, I really would like to work on this issue above and beyond as it relates to the kids' mom.  Lately I have been more aware of this desire, to use the challenges to see myself more clearly.  

When I do this, it seems easier to bear the kids mom's anger and blame and destructive behaviors.  When I am owning my ways of taking it personally, rather than blaming her for my frustration.  I also have been working on trying NOT to put that blame on someone else, usually DH.  

But it is also so tiring, being a target.  

Also, daily walks, meditation, time with friends... .not talking about this stuff TOO much unless it is with someone who knows the situation, ideally who knows both DH and BPD mom well, and the kids, so that I can dwell less in the whole story of it all and more in the feelings, and so that I do not have to repeat intense stories over and over.  This seems to work.  I also have a bevy of therapists... .one is a child pychologist I felt I needed to see for my own protection, when the kids were not seeing a T, because of their mom's accusations that I abused the kids.  I do a trade with the T, so it costs me nothing.  I see him weekly.  He is very supportive, mostly just keeps in touch to find out what is happening, loans me books about dealing with issues that come up when kids are exposed to a high conflict environment.  Mainly, he encourages me.  When I feel like I am awful at this, am throwing up my hands in despair, he tells me it is fine.  

I also see a life coach every few months, mostly focused on trying to keep up with my goals and my own personal focus.  This helps me not to get sucked into making my life all about the family, when they are not even my kids... .drama has a way of sucking us all in, so I try to stay mostly sucked in to my other life... .my work, my art, etc.  

Occasionally, when I am just emotionally so overwhelmed, I see a T who is the widow of my lifelong friend and therapist who died over a year ago.  She is an adoptive mom and step-mom, and has a huge capacity for emotional understanding and raw feeling.  She never tries to define my role here, just asks questions about how I see my role and helps me feel the grief of all of this, and let it go.  She says "Pain is part of the human experience.  Suffering is what we do with that when we cling to it.  Our job is to feel all that pain, and let it go."  She says this with tears in her eyes and with the grief of losing a husband to suicide in her face and presence.  With her, I feel that my deepest soul is heard.  

Mainly, I am trying to both keep the other areas of my life (work, art, play) strong and alive, while also really digging in and using this experience as an opportunity to learn and grow.  It seems very challenging to keep that focus, but for me this feels much happier than just trying to ignore it all.  It would be easier if no one hated me, easier if the kids just saw me as a step-mom rather than alternating between seeing me as their lifeline to happy womanhood, and the person who is ruining their mom's life.  SD6 sees me more as a step-mom.  But the truth is that what is easy is not always where all the good stuff comes from, and this is my life. When I am fully engaged, I feel the sorrow more but mostly I feel a lot more joy, inspiration, and enthusiasm.  So that is mainly how I deal with stuff--gather all the tools and support I can and dig in, see if something truly inspiring, beautiful and life altering can be made of this.  

[NorthernGirl]

My middle SD has told me she hated me. I really think it was how she felt at the time - had a lot to do with loyalty and grief - not me personally. We're in a much better place now.  It does get better.  

Khat -- I agree with DG -- it really does get better.  SS16 used to say hurtful things to me, things I realized were being passed along from BM. I think he felt that if he put me down, it would make his Mom happier. He doesn't say those things anymore.  He used to say he was living with his Mom and "visiting" us. But now he spends most days with us so he calls our place home (except to her.) He will rarely tell us anything negative his Mom has done and will defend her actions vigorously, but not by comparing her to me anymore. My DH has helped in that, when he sets the record straight or says that we are a family despite what BM says. And time has definitely helped.

Hang in there!

(Thanks DG and Marlo for your encouragement.)

[ennie]

On the topic of our upbringing and our caretaking:  

I was raised by two liberal psychiatric social workers in a rural, close knit community in California.  I grew up without running water or electricity.  I went to a small rural school, where teachers were close friends of the family.  We were constantly getting together with other families, to help build a barn, maintain the road, have a family picnic, and so forth.  My upbringing really taught me that we all take care of each other.  I always had a second and a third family, other people who helped me as a kid to learn things I wanted to learn, be more independent safely as a teen, or just to be there to inspire and love me.  

This is really different than learning to be a caretaker because a grown up needs to be taken care of by a kid.  It feels different.  I do not think I was entirely aware that I was raised with different social values than many Americans until I visited mexico as an adult (we spent a lot of time there when I was a kid, as my dad went to college there) and realized ways that my values are American and individualistic rather than community oriented, as well as way that my values are more like mexican "we're all in it together" values than is the norm in the U.S.  

I have always worked with kids and mentally ill people in my community, both professionally and on a volunteer basis.  :)oing this work, I developed good boundaries with these folks.  

I have never had a mentally ill or addictive family member or boyfriend, and do not tend to let people with this kind of issue into my personal lie.  I once befriended a mentally ill man who told me once when he was suicidal, "I have really been wanting to talk to you, but I knew it would not be okay if I called you or came to your house, so I am glad you picked me up" (I had picked him up hitchhiking, and we talked for two hours about his emotional state).  Generally, people respect my boundaries, and I felt honored that this crazy man, who was in a really intense place in his life, needed support, but did not intrude on me.  

I do not feel like this sense that we all need to take care of each other makes me a "caretaker" in the personality sense.  That said, there are some ways I wrestle with my various desires to be independent and self-supporting, my desire to help others, and my desire to rescue others.  This situation is sort of perfect for bringing these issues to a head.  I enjoy kids and have always liked to work with them, but do not want to be a mom.  This means I have some time in my life for helping to raise these kids, and I enjoy that.  Sometimes I think folks see that as "caretaking", which it is in the strict sense, but I really enjoy that, especially when there is time for me to take breaks and when my other stuff gets done.  I have a harder time with how much cleaning I have to do and with the crazy changes in schedule than I do with the increased parenting role I have because of mom's instability.

Where I have a harder time setting boundaries is with my DH, who is really committed to the ideals of sharing housework equally, and supports me verbally in having my own life, but who is constantly stressed out and overwhelmed, and who does not have good boundaries with his ex or anyone else in his life.  I "rescue" him mostly in two situations:  either when he is so stressed that he is upset with me, or impatient with the kids which makes things harder; and when I feel like it would be easier for me to do something than to help him do it.  So it is most often clearly an attempt on my part to deal with stress I am having as a result of his mental state... .rather than just habit.  I usually make a conscious choice about these "rescues," and communicate with him about that.  The problem is that he is completely unable at this point in his life to change his habit of being radically overcommitted.  So when we talk about changes I would like, they do not happen.  He tries hard for a week or two, then we are back at square one.  

Actually, things have become better over time.  There are more boundaries now with his ex, and we are in the middle of custody litigation to make more clear boundaries.  We do not usually take his ex's calls at this point.  We do see her, but usually at a time and place where we are prepared to be loving and saintly.  

As far as caring for our home, we do have someone who comes to help me one day a week, and DH really tries to do chores on the weekend.  

As far as my inner caretaking, I still have a hard time knowing when I need more time to myself soon enough to ask for it.  We have a scheduling meeting every Sunday, which helps.  I feel okay about the amount I pick up and drop off the kids (one day a week), about my relationship with the kids, and I feel good about my communication with dH about this stuff.  One thing that is hard for me to accept is that I feel like I should be contributing equally with my partner on every level, but because I am a step-mom, I cannot be equal as a parent without negative consequences (it works best when I do less kid stuff than DH, while still being emotionally engaged and active), and because DH owns a business and has to support his kids and his ex, I end up having more of the homemaker role.  I literally made our home, as I built it myself--but I am talking about the upkeep part.  

But then I do not want to be a housewife, so I do not contribute there 100% either... .I mean, I do way more than half the cleaning, and 90% of the mess is the kids... .but I do not do it all.  So then I feel like I am not contributing as much as I should.  

I also have been in a transitional place this year, having completed building the house, but have not quite figured out what my work is right now.  I have some clients (I am an attorney), but I find that absent a big project, that the the drama of our legal action, the kids ups and downs, and the kids' mom's various drama just sort of grows to fill my spare time.  I am not sure how to address this.  I am trying to work with this coach person to develop a better game-plan, and I am looking forward to being done with our custody action.  But the drama is ongoing, and working for myself means I am often in this place of figuring out what is next.  How do I figure this out when there is so much distraction?  It was easier in some ways when I was building the house, as I had a project.  

So that is my big challenge--I feel like I have pretty good boundaries about how much I put out (not always, but often).  But in the arena of how much I let in, my boundaries are pretty poor.  I am working on it.  

So it is not so much caretaking as oversensitivity--which I think is pretty temperamental, and thus hard to change.  That is where I get swamped.  

[ennie]

PS--KHat, I think that I am just lucky in having two skids who just are really open to adults other than their parents, plus having the luck to have good personality chemistry with them.  This remains constant through hard times. 

I feel for folks who have less open kids. 

I also wonder if you would consider going to a parenting class are assertiveness training class?  My mom teaches "Love and Logic" classes, that give lots of great ways of working with kids using more questions that works well with difficult situations.  It might help you to find new ways of dealing with boundaries that your skids could accept. 

Thanks for your story and struggle.  Sounds like you are doing your best with a tricky situation.