Ok call me mad call me crazy but I am the one who makes everything to break NC and she does not break it at all.That drives me crazy.I cant accept that after all I had done for her she just dont want to contract in order for her to feel good.
So Today I broke all records and called her about 30 times.Sent about 15 text messages.I know you will say me silly mad or crazy but my heart need that and when my emotions are on my brain turn of.So after all that she decided to answer one call.Then I managed to make a conversation of about 2 hours.All I wanted to know is how can she be so well... .forgiving me in about 2 months and ing with next guys when the only thing I wanted from her was to care about me and make a single call just once to see If I am ok.We talked about many things.
What I found out is that she does not make any sense.Her mind is destroyed.I dont think that she thinks anything at all.She is like lost in space.We talked about things that made me feel bad.I asked her to answer me some things with arguments.She cant stand in a conversation with arguments.All she does when she is asked to bring some arguments for her position is changing the conversation or closing it by saing... .I cant do that... .please dont push me... .please I cant stand that.But I remember her doing this during r/s as well.So now I am sure she is destroyed in the brain.That destruction cant make her feel any emotions for me as far as she is NC.It was like talking to a girl about 7 years old.Some time she started crying when made her remember what she have done to my soul.After about 30 sec all crying went away and she had cold talk like nothing happened.Ok I am sure she is not well.
After all that I started saying her about BPD and describing her how she feels every day and what she does and thinks about others.She understand that she was close to that mental illnes.She said ok you got me in many things but I dont accept I am a BPD.Then I asked her to bring me back the 3000 euros I sent her after we split up in order to pay her studies which she does not.She said ok and she will do it I am sure.Then I said her that I will only give that money back to her If only she decide to visit some mental doctor to start some kind of therapy and I will pay him with that money.I am sure that by her own she would not do anything.I will have to make her find some good doctor then press her visit him and then pay him.
HOO guys I feel so desparate.She cant be so lost.It is like the most messed girl I have found on that planet.Everything in her is wrong.And I mean that she is a disaster.I want to help her but on the other side I remember her dont give a sht about me and I say her... .
What I understand for all that contract today was that she is 100% BPD she is 100% messed in her life and she will 100% go deep in the bottom(I have lift her very high in life) where she was before we met as soon as possible.She does all things that will lead her down there.
Oh and I forgot to mention that I visited her in the place she worked at night.Ohh guys when we met I looked her in the eyes and all that angry I felt about her gone away.I felt so pity for her.She was like a helpless pupy left in the road.Then I stayed a little in that place and she got all time on me saying me to leave.After some time I saw her eyes again and there wasnt that puppy sight.She was so ing cold and psyco.
I now understand how many good she makes to me (without her understanding) that she go NC.Everything is messed and that dark void is ready to eat everything that has something to offer to her.I am not going to contact her again for sure.For now on my primary target is to move on as soon as possible in order to not contact her again.I want my life and I dont want to kill my self.
I wish god help her and I wish god to be there not to give me anything like this in the future because I for sure will dye out of a heart atack!
Remember that someone with BPD does feel remorse. She likely isn't happy. She sure doesn't sound happy to me. She can't contact you right now. It's too emotional for her and she will feel persecuted and pressured. She'll feel a tremendous amount of shame and she'll feel bad about herself. She'll project this on you. As hard as it may be, try to stay away for now.
