Your thoughts

[BillP]

Hi folks,

I haven't been on here in a while because I've been dealing with some legal issues with my ex. I'd like to get the communities thoughts/inputs into this situation.

A few months ago, my ex filed a restrainging order against me, then filed a criminal complaint for harassment. The court gave her a 14 ear restraining order and ordered me to attend a mandatory 52 week domestic abuse class. Which, I would have to pay for. I have retained a lawyer, and we are scheduled to go back to court for that appeal next Tuesday. The allegations were, emotionally controlling, that I threatened to hurt her dogs. That I destroyed her property, and that, because my dad abused me as a child, that I wold continue that cycle. The court never asked her if she had any documentation, witness statements/testimony, police reports or photos. Nothing. And then, they lowered the boom on me.

The ex convinced a sheriff that I also had done these things, and so, he filed the criminal complaint of harassment on her behalf. Now, this is where I would like everyone's input. The ex's layer called my lawyer today to see if we could meet to come to some type of agreement between both parties, and then dismiss the restraining order. If so, then the ex & her lawyer will go to the D.A., and ask to have the criminal case dismissed.

Now, I know my ex better than anyone. But, the question is to all of you is: why would she want to make this all go away if she has already won half the battle? Why, if she already has a restraining order in place, why now, would she want to dismiss that, and the criminal complaint?

I have my own beliefs, but I would really appreciate any and all thoughts on this. Thank you all for reading this, and I wish each and every one of you continued success in your life of dealing with people with these types of mood disorders.

Be strong. Stay strong.   

[breakingpoint]

Maybe... .just maybe, she had a 'normal' moment. She knows it's all bullsht and maybe she is worried about anyone finding out that she exaggerated everything. and she is worried that her part in everything may become clear if it all goes to court.

[2010]

Why, if she already has a restraining order in place, why now, would she want to dismiss that, and the criminal complaint

Take back your life. Get away from her. She will get away from you. Leave each other alone. No one blames the other. Start your life fresh and free- away from who is to blame.

Can you do that? If not, why?

[BillP]

For the record, I have no desire to see or speak to her... .ever! I am trying to move on with my life, and leave the past where it belongs... .behind me. I am just asking the community if they have have any ideas as to why she mght be looking to change her mind at this stage of the game? It's not about her. It's about helping me understand her mindset/gameplan, so that I can be better prepared for whatever she throws my way.

[Scout428]

There are serious consequences to filing an unwarranted restraining order. Perhaps she finally understood the potential consequences

[2010]

why would she want to make this all go away if she has already won half the battle?

To make it all (you, her) go away.

[T2H]

Does she want something to settle?  $$ ?

If she wanted to drop it, she could just drop it all, right? (I don't know for sure - don't have any experience in this area.)  So maybe she wants something in return for doing that?

[BillP]

The lawyer briefly informed me that, she can request that the court to vacate the order. But he doesn't have to, unless we can prove all the allegations are false. Which they are, and we can prove it. She cannot ask the court for any money. So, I do think that now, she has had a moment of clearity and realizes that she has been ying to the court, and someone told her she might want to reconsider proceeding with this.

Your thoughts?

[2010]

LET GO

[BillP]

It would be alot easier if there weren't other things for me to consider. Such as, because of this legal issue, my security status with the government is in jeopardy. That alone, is a huge thing for me to overcome. The isolation I know deal with because my co-workers know about all of htis because of the restraining order being delivered to me at work, and the court case being online for everyone to see. And it's just my name, not hers.

It is alot to deal with. Again, she is the one who wanted to continue this. I understand that it's the illness, that's driving her to do this. But I also believe that I have to defend not only my name, but I don't believe she should be able to go into a court, blatantly lie, and then reap the benefits of the court system for lying about everything.

This is not one of those "take one for the time" types of scenarios. So, how should I handle this then?

[T2H]

You might want to ask on the Law board... .  if you like I can move the thread there.

[BillP]

Maybe I need to clarify what I am looking for. I ahve a lawyer, and we are quite confident that we can get bth cases dismissed, or at the very least, dropped to something lower. For the restraing order that is.

I'm looking for input as to why she wants to now sit down and talk about these cases. Just tring to better understand the thought process of someone with this type of mental illness. Just for my own knowledge and understanding. That's all.

[T2H]

So you're trying to understand and make rational sense of someone with a mental illness?

[BillP]

Nope. I understand that's she's not rational. I am more interested in understanding better the thought process of why she would consider making a concession, as opposed to continuing the facade that has enabled her to fool the court up until this point.

Don't mistake what I'm trying to gather. I know what we will do and say in court. Our gameplan is simple and straight forward. But the lawyer was surprised at this turn of events. Me too! Just trying to understand better the thinking of someone with this illness, and how/why they would, it seems, have a change in their strategy.

BTW -  a friend of mine thinks it's a ploy on the ex's part to maybe, some where down the road, try to put things back together between us. Ahhhhh... .never going to happen!

[ve01603]

Nope. I understand that's she's not rational. I am more interested in understanding better the thought process of why she would consider making a concession, as opposed to continuing the facade that has enabled her to fool the court up until this point.

Don't mistake what I'm trying to gather. I know what we will do and say in court. Our gameplan is simple and straight forward. But the lawyer was surprised at this turn of events. Me too! Just trying to understand better the thinking of someone with this illness, and how/why they would, it seems, have a change in their strategy.

BTW -  a friend of mine thinks it's a ploy on the ex's part to maybe, some where down the road, try to put things back together between us. Ahhhhh... .never going to happen!

That's what I think too.

[ve01603]

BillP:

I sent you a private message.

[once removed]

billp,

yeah, i won't speculate too much because legal issues aren't really my forte, and i don't know your ex.

i think that you're probably onto something, and right, that she's just more or less decided to cut the BS, possibly realizing the ramifications. if she has any reason to know or think you'll prove these allegations otherwise, that's fairly likely. as you know, these actions were done to hurt you (perhaps a bit more complex than that, but largely) but she's not necessarily going to follow through when she knows what she's dealing with.

it also may, as you suggested, and as ve01603 seems to agree, be that yes, its sort of an attempt to patch things up.

i suspect you've got the answers already. i hope i helped. i understand their behavior can be both fascinating and so mind blowingly confusing. it helps to atleast try to get a picture of their thought process, irrational as it is.

[GlennT]

Every reply here is a good reply to you Bill. Your fortitude is to be commended as you were innocent and she is mentally ill, yet, you still follow through with the law and she does'nt. Appearances do mean a lot to these people, and perhaps her lawyer warned her againest false accusations and purgery, and finially saw through her projections. Also, their feelings are facts to them, and they are on a rollercoaster. Black is what you were, and white is what you are. Something she heard or saw flipped the switch. It means nothing. Stay NC before she falsely accuses you of anything else in the future. You know the drill, keep phone records, record calls, texts, emails, etc.

[2010]

my security status with the government is in jeopardy UNLESS the ex and I... .come to some type of agreement and dismiss the restraining order and ... .also ask to have the criminal case dismissed. She has agreed to do this.

1) Accept the disorder.

2) Accept that it needs your participation to continue to wreak havoc in your life.

3) Sign off on everything legal, turn your back on her and walk away.

4) Erase the map that leads to you and begin a new life.

Don't worry about what people think. Your friends and co-workers want you to live a drama free life. Show them that you are willing to be free from your reactions to a disorder that cannot be measured. (You cannot manage what you cannot measure.) Do what you can do in your own best interest and let go of the rest.

Any statements made by her will prove groundless if your actions are not reactions but instead are calm and stable.  If you do not keep #1 through #4 in mind, you will risk your career and ruin your good fortune. In the face of adversity and above all, keep your career intact. Stay wise. In time, your reputation will be repaired. If you do not follow through with this calmly, you will have this on your record for the rest of your life.  Sign off on everything legal, turn your back on her and walk away. There is no need to fight with the disorder. The disorder will win.

[BillP]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I'm glad I asked the question because the one element I had forgot was the black/white aspect of the illness. She may, in her own mind, want to patch things up but I can never let that happen. I also want ot be clear that since I moved out of the house last September that I am not mad at the ex, nor do I hate her. I fully understand that the illness is driving her to do this.

I have been able to separate the illness from the person. But that doesn't mean that, mentally ill or not, she should get away with the lies and allegations. I'll be damned if I let her, or anyone, destroy my reputation!

2010, great post! At this time I'm thinking that if were to except less than the restraining order be vacated, the criminal case dismissed, an open apology in court, and to be reimbursed for my legal fees would be allowing her to win. Because, her lies are exposed, and her dirty little secrets revealed. Nope, I can't do that. After all that my family, friends and I have been through because of the illness, I need to be compansated legally fairly, if nothing else. JMHO

[2010]

BillP, I understand that you wish to be compensated legally in the divorce, but are you saying that if she drops the R.O. and dismisses the criminal case that *she* will win?

[BillP]

Here's how in my opinion, she wins. As we all know those with the illness are very much consumed with appearance. Meaning, it's madatory that the outside world only see a happy, positive, no-problem facade. Well, should we continue down the legal path, all of her dirty little secrets will get revealed. And then the public will have access to knowing who she is, and her life has been like. She cannot allow any of that to come to light.

Again, this is only my guess, but, I know here better than anyone in this world, and knowing what I know about her, she has to do whatever it takes to maintain that image to the masses. The more I think about the black/white angle, the more I'm starting to think, maybe this is at the core of why she is wanting to "talk" now. I could be totally wrong here, but that's why I asked for anyone's two cents.