GRRRR

[Matthew_Taylor801]

I still keep thinking about the breakup and the fact that I was too much of a softy.  I shoulda opened up the flood gates and gotten all my anger out at her, but instead I acted like a major puss cake because I was so sad and still holding on.  It woulda been much easier on the phone than in person.  even towards the end of our breakup talk, i started rubbing her back and neck with my hands and she just sat there emotionless and cold.  As we walked to my car I even put my arm around her one last time and she did nothing. she was an immature btchy little girl and thats how I shoulda treated her

sorry

[paul16]

If she has a BPD or related condition, you'll have more chances to treat her as she deserves. I suggest ignoring her altogether. Your lack of response to her attempts to contact (which, like I said, will come) will speak volumes and express exactly what you feel toward her.

As I told my ex many times before we split up "be a btch, be alone." Now she gets the be alone part by default as I don't respond to her. I'm sure she can get responses from others but like many BPD's, what she wants the most is what she can't have.

[nwpbroke]

I still keep thinking about the breakup and the fact that I was too much of a softy.  I shoulda opened up the flood gates and gotten all my anger out at her, but instead I acted like a major puss cake because I was so sad and still holding on.  It woulda been much easier on the phone than in person.  even towards the end of our breakup talk, i started rubbing her back and neck with my hands and she just sat there emotionless and cold.  As we walked to my car I even put my arm around her one last time and she did nothing. she was an immature btchy little girl and thats how I shoulda treated her

sorry

from my experience the few times i put her in her place she would make me feel 10x worst.  They are masters of this sht.

[2010]

I see no problem with the way you treated her. Are you suggesting that you should have punished her for breaking up with you? Then perhaps there is a reason that she chose you- to replicate what her innermost fears are.

Borderline personality is about the failure to separate/individuate. It is about attachment and subsequent persecution, engulfment and feared abandonment. For the most part, the disorder exists in denial until it's triggered in social interactions.

If you are here because you feel this is an immature person, and *not* one with a personality disorder, then provide the maturity needed for yourself to accept that she is young and decided to break up with you. If you feel that you are here because of the actions of a personality disordered human, then your reactions should move forward to the acceptance of the disorder, and not punishing someone for having the fears that makes them flee while "longing" for love.  

BPD is a thought disorder. You cannot change someone's belief, or control them. You need to decide if your ex has Borderline belief or if you are just upset at her for breaking up with you.  If you feel she does have BPD, then you cannot deny that it exists, nor can you determine the outcome of her life. Meanwhile, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  It pays to be kind, particularly to yourself.  In time you'll discover more about letting go and not questioning yourself.

[T2H]

I shoulda opened up the flood gates and gotten all my anger out at her

That's what many of them do to us.  I understand how you feel - but it doesn't feel good when someone does that to me, so I choose not to do it to others.  If someone mistreats you, simply leave and don't associate with them any more.  Inappropriate expressions of anger just perpetuates an unhealthy dynamic for both of you.

You did what you did at the time because that's how you felt.  It makes sense to have revenge fantasies now - but in actuality, getting back at her might make you feel temporary satisfaction but would hurt you in the longrun.  Use that energy for you to feel better - not to make her feel worse.

[m772001]

Paul 16, you are so right on... .

"If she has a BPD or related condition, you'll have more chances to treat her as she deserves. I suggest ignoring her altogether." Amen... .Nothin drives them even more crazy than to just keep ignoring them, and it makes you a healthier person, thats a win win in my book.

"I don't respond to her. I'm sure she can get responses from others but like many BPD's, what she wants the most is what she can't have." Exactly... .it's what I do too, it's the only way to go, she stalks me, moves things around my house when I am not there and I still just ignore her, it's to the point where it's funny any more.

MT801, dont give her what she so desperately wants, attention, to do so will set your healing back and she will still know she has you on a leash and will jerk that chain any and every time she can, control what you can control, yourself and your actions, block her and any of her family and friends you friended on FB, change your numbers, cut her out of your life like a cancer, the sooner the better, yes it's tough but there is better out there and bein single is far better than bein in an abusive relationship.

[Matthew_Taylor801]

She didnt really break up with me since I initiated the process and it ultimately appeared to be more mutual. i wrote about this in another post

SO you guys are saying if she makes no attempts to contact me then she may not even have BPD?  do all BPD's always come back after the breakup? its been almost a month and no word from her and when we split we both agreed not to be friends

[AlexDP]

She didnt really break up with me since I initiated the process and it ultimately appeared to be more mutual. i wrote about this in another post

SO you guys are saying if she makes no attempts to contact me then she may not even have BPD?  do all BPD's always come back after the breakup? its been almost a month and no word from her and when we split we both agreed not to be friends

A lot of experts say, yes, they always come back. But not necessarily soon. It could take months or even years. I sometimes question whether or not my ex had BPD as well. But then I check the criteria. She fits all. Then I read the stories on this board, they're exactly the same. I check out websites that go into detail about how a borderline love affair evolves, it was exactly like that. My ex isn't clinically diagnosed though and yeah, sometimes I doubt myself, even though I shouldn't.

[Matthew_Taylor801]

When we were dating she said she never stays in touch with ex's and seemed pretty steadfast about that. I know for a fact she was never in contact with the guy before me - he was not on her FB friends list and she seemed like she had real ill feelings towards him and was quite adament that she never wanted to communicate with him again, yet interestingly she had 3 photos of him on her FB page.  I really dont see her ever contacting me again to be honest but yes my story is almost identical to some of the other stories on here

[T2H]

Again, it depends on the individuals involved.  Most come back, but not all come back to all partners.

[Matthew_Taylor801]

so if she doesnt come back to me is there a chance she may go back to someone else? should i let that affect my ego in any way?

[T2H]

It's up to you.

There was one guy on the board who was pretty distraught by her not returning.  Personally I think you're luckier if she doesn't.

[Matthew_Taylor801]

its like the movie Swingers - "somehow they know not to return until you are really over them" 

[T2H]

In some cases, it's *right before* you get over them.  There are some pretty crazy stories of impeccable timing.

[OTH]

Matt,

This whole thread (andmost of your threads) is about her. You are so focused on her you can't see yourself anymore. The r/s you were in was not healthy for you. There is zero doubt about that and everybody on this board knows it. It does not matter if she is BPD or not. You need to move on. You need to bring your focus and energy back to you and your life. Let it go. Convince yourself this r/s wasn't healthy for you and let go. It will not get better for you until you are spending your time thinking about yourself and your future instead of her... .It is now all her feelings... .And your past together.  You have a life to live. Learn how to let go. 6 billion people in the world. Do better next time.     

its like the movie Swingers - "somehow they know not to return until you are really over them"  

[PotentiallyKevin]

She didnt really break up with me since I initiated the process and it ultimately appeared to be more mutual. i wrote about this in another post

SO you guys are saying if she makes no attempts to contact me then she may not even have BPD?  do all BPD's always come back after the breakup? its been almost a month and no word from her and when we split we both agreed not to be friends

No, it is just as common for a person with BPD to be a "cut-and-run" type as a clinger. Don't listen to the stereotypes about borderlines "always" coming back. It is a myth. I know of PLENTY of stories where the borderline cuts the person completely out of their life never to be heard of again. This doesn't make them less BPD. In my opinion this is more of a tell, that she IS BPD. Completely black and white behavior, hot to cold in seconds.

[AlexDP]

In some cases, it's *right before* you get over them.  There are some pretty crazy stories of impeccable timing.

Could also just be unlucky though. My ex her relationships tend to run for 2,5 months or 6, in case she's dealing with someone who is more like well me  . I think she's been with her new guy for 2 months or something now. I'm dating myself and there are two, three girls I'm really interested in. Imagine things go well with one of them over the next two weeks and we get together. At that point in time my ex's relationship might have run out of value and if she's alone she contacts me.

Then you could say I'm not completely over her: I still think about her a lot and I'm very sorry for the fact she's so unhappy. But you could also say I'm nearly there: I don't have any feelings for her romantically and I'm with another girl. In the end it wouldn't be about her "sensing" I am about to get over her, it would just be bad luck. I think this is probably what happens in a lot of cases.