Sitting on a porch, enjoying the sunset

[Want2know]

I have to stay fit in mind and body so that when my kids have kids I can still chase them around the house being the tickle monster I was to their mum and dad.

Then as they grow older i can dispense great peals of wisdom as is my duty

Love this, Waverider!   

I came across an old journal last night from 2002, when I was still married (in my 9th year of my relationship, at the time).  I read through it and it was like I could have written it today.  I was saying all the same things about the struggles I am encountering now.  Very eye opening.  I had also drawn a timeline from when I was born up to 2002, listing all the positive influences on the top of the timeline (as they occurred) and the negative ones underneath it on the bottom.  Wow!  I was thankful to have come upon it.  There were some influences (positive and negative) that I had forgotten about.

“If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.”

All this talk about letting go.  Not sure why it's so difficult, or as if mentioned earlier, why I think I could possibly solve all my problems and not struggle with anything.  That's not realistic.  There will always be something.  Accepting that fact seems to be a start.

[waverider]

Stop trying fix what you dont have and you will learn to live what you have...

[dontknow2]

Hello Want2Know,

This has been a wonderful thread and don’t want to change the pattern. I needed to jump in though and say how I love your choice of words: “Anyone want to share where they see themselves in the future, and what you think it's going to take to get you there?” vs. where do you want to be in the future, …. You jumped right to the vision and past the thinking (no overanalyzing there  ). I think visioning is a great place for me to play around with right now.

You mentioned painting. I like painting too... . as long as I do it without trying to make it look good for others (lesson learned for me). With that, I am thinking it would be cool to paint of scenes with myself in the future (including with others that don’t exist yet).

Maybe we can paint our reality and let it come true.    

[waverider]

Hello Want2Know,

This has been a wonderful thread and don’t want to change the pattern. I needed to jump in though and say how I love your choice of words: “Anyone want to share where they see themselves in the future, and what you think it's going to take to get you there?” vs. where do you want to be in the future, …. You jumped right to the vision and past the thinking (no overanalyzing there  ). I think visioning is a great place for me to play around with right now.

You mentioned painting. I like painting too... . as long as I do it without trying to make it look good for others (lesson learned for me). With that, I am thinking it would be cool to paint of scenes with myself in the future (including with others that don’t exist yet).

Maybe we can paint our reality and let it come true.    

Sounds like a good theme for a movie

[Want2know]

You mentioned painting. I like painting too... . as long as I do it without trying to make it look good for others (lesson learned for me). With that, I am thinking it would be cool to paint of scenes with myself in the future (including with others that don’t exist yet).

Maybe we can paint our reality and let it come true.    

Good idea!  Interesting related story... . when I was in high school, I drew a pencil sketch of what I envisioned my house to look like (when I was old enough to buy one).  It was an A-frame, and I even drew out the schematics of what each floor would look like.  Fast forward many years later, and I found that sketch (randomly) and sure enough, the house I had bought was an A-frame with a similar floor plan.  I totally forgot about it, and was pretty blown away, as I wasn't looking for an A-frame when I was house hunting, but when I came upon it I knew it was the house for me.

I definitely don't paint for others to see it.  I took a painting class in college and I did not enjoy it, as we had to critique each others work.  :)efinitely not my thing.

Stop trying fix what you dont have and you will learn to live what you have...

Funny you should mention this... . in my yoga class, our teacher will say inspirational things, or read poetry as we are holding poses.  This past Saturday one thing that stuck in my head from what she had said was 'when you let go of what you have, you will receive what you need'.  I would put that as the next line to what you said above.  A combo Waverider/yoga teacher inspirational quote.  

"Stop trying to fix what you don't have and you will learn to live with what you have.  When you let go of what you have, you will receive what you need."

or another rockin' variation, per the great Rolling Stones... .

[Want2know]

Life is messy.  No getting around that.  Those who think they can are fooling themselves.  They are probably the ones who don't remember their dreams because they are too painful, working through their mess that they'd rather stick in a drawer - just a hypothesis (don't take it personally if you don't remember your dreams - I don't mean you) 

I had a moment tonight where I realized my ex and I had some really good times, and he was there for me for what I needed, at the time.  I asked for it, and lo and behold, I got it - for better or for worse.

I am in a better place now - still messy, remember, no getting around that, but better.

I am more careful and aware.  I am also working on letting go of all the litter that adds unnecessary clutter to my life.  That seems to be a theme of mine here that I can't get away from posting about or analyzing.

Just wanted to check in and say hi and add to this thread that gets at where I am now.  Slowly sifting through the silt looking for diamonds.  I know they are there.

[charred]

Thinking back... I had become numb in life, detached from living really, stuck in a rut. Contact from my exBPDgf ended up turning my life upside-down, the r/s was toxic and abusive... but I felt things intensely for the first time in years. Felt alive... horrible and great and everything in between. After that I can't go back to numbness.

Saw a T, got over the intense stress, and found that mindful and in the moment helped but was still not really living, as I still had the  issues that led me to be detached for so long. Read everything I could, went down some blind alleys, and finally found the descriptions of the problem in ":)aring Greatly", then a step by step way to actually deal with the feelings I had ran from for most my life, in Laurel Mellin's book "The Pathway"... and "Wired for Joy."  After a year with a T, I feel like I am at the beginning of fixing the problems that everyone gets when they grow up with less than ideal experiences.

Already my life is getting better, starting to connect and feel things I used to detach from. Measured myself by others definition of success... and every accomplishment was a hollow victory. Doing little things that I want to do, and while piddly in comparison to my large accomplishments (done for others)... I feel pride in my little accomplishments, not a hollow empty victory. Guess the whole toxic BPD r/s... is getting me to wake up and be present smelling the coffee.

[waverider]

Sometimes trying too hard to simplify life complicates it more than just accepting life is complicated, and we can't always control it.

Life is easy, life is hard, life sucks, life is great, Life is simple, Life is complicated... Life is all these things. There is no such thing as a free meal, that doesn't mean you can enjoy a good feed without feeling guilty.

As per the topic title, freeing the mind means you can sit on the porch and enjoy the sunset regardless of the storm predicted for tomorrow. But it is up to you to allow yourself to enjoy it.

Blocking and acceptance are close cousins, one healthy and one delusional

[Want2know]

Doing little things that I want to do, and while piddly in comparison to my large accomplishments (done for others)... I feel pride in my little accomplishments, not a hollow empty victory. Guess the whole toxic BPD r/s... is getting me to wake up and be present smelling the coffee.

Brilliant!  I feel the same way.  What a great post - thank you. 

As per the topic title, freeing the mind means you can sit on the porch and enjoy the sunset regardless of the storm predicted for tomorrow. But it is up to you to allow yourself to enjoy it.

Blocking and acceptance are close cousins, one healthy and one delusional

Wow, Wave... . you never cease to amaze me with your insight and how you put things in writing.  You've been quite helpful in helping me keep it real, probably more than you know.   

It is about allowing myself to enjoy the moment, regardless of what may happen tomorrow, or even in the next minute. 

I've had such an amazing day, and am so enjoying where I am right now.  I'm in my free-flowing, 'God's got my back' mode.  Feeling the love from everywhere.  So, right now, all is good.  I'll take it.