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Author Topic: Finally over  (Read 345 times)
Firsttimefather
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« on: December 17, 2021, 03:28:17 AM »

Well it is definitely over. She called me many times wanting to reconcile the situation at home. I must say, I am glad it’s done, the relationship. As we spoke I saw all the behaviors: smear campaign threats, emotional threats and blackmail, called me a low level person…. The list goes on. You know a few days ago this would have wrecked me but I’m ok. I see what I get to walk away from and that feels good.  I was a bit on the fence a few days ago. I think we get so caught up in the push/pull while we are in the relationship and also the ptsd that follows the split has us bouncing between fight and flight. Old habits die hard I suppose. You know I loved her and treated her amazing. That’s why her insults and smears and manipulations they don’t bother me. I know who I am but just the fact that she feels the need to perpetuate abuse that’s enough for me. She did finally apologize for lying to 911 though she also feels she was justified still. It’s a never ending no win battle. Well, you live and you learn. I would have given my all to her but I also know that would have come at quite a price. I could’ve done better and although the split sucked  and I lost a ‘friend’ I’m kinda glad it happened. Hard times lay ahead for that relationship. Sadly I think for any relationship she is involved in unless she gets help. Well I will miss the good times and I will miss her I’m sure but in the long run I’m going to be better off.
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grumpydonut
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« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2021, 05:09:32 AM »

Excerpt
She did finally apologize for lying to 911 though she also feels she was justified still

The most borderline thing I've read for a very long time.
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ILMBPDC
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« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2021, 09:52:26 AM »

Well it is definitely over. She called me many times wanting to reconcile the situation at home. I must say, I am glad it’s done, the relationship. As we spoke I saw all the behaviors: smear campaign threats, emotional threats and blackmail, called me a low level person…. The list goes on.
When you are so close to the situation you can't see the forest for the trees - once you step back you really do start to see the issues clearly. You seem like a very strong person, all breakups are hard but I think you will be just fine.

Excerpt
Sadly I think for any relationship she is involved in unless she gets help.
Yes, for the most part people with BPD will never have a real, good relationship, despite the fact that their partners try so hard to make it good. It saddens me but there's nothing anyone except the pwBPD can do about it and most of them refuse to see a problem.


She did finally apologize for lying to 911 though she also feels she was justified still.
The most borderline thing I've read for a very long time.
Right?  WTH.
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jaded7
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« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2021, 11:00:42 AM »

... I must say, I am glad it’s done, the relationship. As we spoke I saw all the behaviors: smear campaign threats, emotional threats and blackmail, called me a low level person…. The list goes on. You know a few days ago this would have wrecked me but I’m ok. I see what I get to walk away from and that feels good.  I was a bit on the fence a few days ago. I think we get so caught up in the push/pull while we are in the relationship and also the ptsd that follows the split has us bouncing between fight and flight. Old habits die hard I suppose. You know I loved her and treated her amazing. That’s why her insults and smears and manipulations they don’t bother me. I know who I am but just the fact that she feels the need to perpetuate abuse that’s enough for me. She did finally apologize for lying to 911 though she also feels she was justified still. It’s a never ending no win battle. Well, you live and you learn. I would have given my all to her but I also know that would have come at quite a price. I could’ve done better ...

I think you've done well here. You are well into seeing this rationally for what it is- verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, psychological abuse.

We who suffer most from this- and I'm not counting you among these people since you seem to be doing well- have some kind of inner voice or self-doubt (usually from our family of origin, I think) that causes us to 'believe' their abusive words and name-calling and put-downs, over our own 'self'.

Hers don't bother you, that's amazing! I wish I was there. Her words from now almost two years ago still ring in my head and I question my worth.

You loved her and treated her amazingly. It's good you know that, deep in your heart. That's something I return to often, reminding myself that I was incredibly supportive of her and kind, I never yelled at her or called her names, would drop anything I was doing to be there for her. I KNOW this to be true. That she couldn't see it, refused to see it, and undertook all sorts of manipulations to try and make me look bad is painful, but I know that is true too.

It's a no-win battle. This is something I've come to realize with time. Because, I have come to understand, our goals were different. My goals in the relationship were to be there for her, to support her, to show her love and kindness as a kind of safe harbour in a stressful world. I don't think this was her goal- her goals were to control me, manipulate me into doing things she wanted me to do, and get the support she wanted, when she wanted it. Later, the goals seemed to revolve around 'proving' to herself that I was bad, I was a child, I was not there for her- so she put on a filter that allowed her to see that, she kept things from me, wouldn't tell me what she needed then punished me when I didn't guess, etc. etc.

The choice of words we all use- a no-win battle, a no-win fight- is very telling. I too felt the same way. I even told her once, early on, during an 'fight' (these weren't fights in any sense, it was her attacking me unjustly, or making some up out of the blue, or expecting me to mind read then attacking me, all followed by me trying to explain and defend with the truth) "honey, you seem to need to win in these, and I want you know that is not my goal. I don't want or need to 'win', I just want you hear to me." That didn't take root.

The fact that she can only half-own that she called the police on you? Has to somehow still justify it? That tells you all you need to know.
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Rev
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« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2021, 12:42:27 PM »

Old habits die hard I suppose.  

Hey there Firsttime -  lots of great comments here. So I won't repeat them (except Grumpy's comment about the 911 call - yep - wow! - most BPD comment I have read in a while)

As for what I have highlighted - just a bit of insight: Give your body the time to catch up to your mind, and your habits will eventually start to change. Don't know if that makes sense?

In the meantime,

Well done.

Don't need to say hang in there any more.

Happy holidays.

Rev
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Turkish
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« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2021, 10:56:45 PM »

I got the cold cut off... with a 1 and 3 year old. She found her prince and that ended in a disaster after a couple of years. She was her "One." I never felt I was...

10 beliefs that can get you stuck

8 years later, and I still kind of wonder how someone could do such emotional cut off.
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Rev
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« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2021, 06:14:17 AM »

I got the cold cut off... with a 1 and 3 year old. She found her prince and that ended in a disaster after a couple of years. She was her "One." I never felt I was...

10 beliefs that can get you stuck

8 years later, and I still kind of wonder how someone could do such emotional cut off.

Wow = what a GREAT article.
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Firsttimefather
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« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2021, 11:58:12 AM »

That is a great article. Thanks for sharing…I received a 1:45 am text: Any way you can stop by in the morning? Honestly I can’t tell if it’s a set up: am I being asked to walk into some torrent of abuse? Hop in the bed, snuggle? Keep her company when she returns from work as to help her fall asleep? Last we spoke I was : a low level person, a criminal, not her partner (exclaimed you’re a good guy just not my guy) I don’t believe any of the things she says. I shrug them off. It’s the voice of a teenager screaming from the bedroom. It all sucks. Literally and figuratively. Why stop by? It’s over, she smeared me to her family , my family constantly reminds me to stay away. Well I keep those voices close. The abuse of it all, that it all it is. You get sucked in and take it as normal not realizing you are defending yourself against half truths, the very things that ‘never mattered’ to her all of a sudden thrown at me like daggers in the heart though I deflect? Live behind a shield? I don’t respond. Sometimes I’m crawling into that bed, feeling our closeness, our embrace. Sometimes I’m walking through the door set up to walk in on she and someone else. I want to say it’s possible there is no one else but also a lot of splitting patterns seem to set up a fallback alternate stand in and that may be me. ‘Look I don’t see a future for us but right now I want, I need’? No hello, how are you, I miss you… a cryptic any way you can stop by? I’ve nothing to sign, nothing to say. I’m definitely done defending myself over stuff that should be no big deal or if she feels is so important than um, Therapy? Work it out: hey I love you and I think we can overcome? But again, look ahead, what does the future hold? Look at all this, processing becomes a full time job. So I don’t respond. Why respond. Do I really love someone who claims to think so lowly of me where once she loved me?  It is in there I say to myself’ no thank you, I don’t deserve the abuse’ not now and not for a lifetime. We all say things we don’t mean, true. But do we love someone who says such things but never arrives with an apology? A recognition of ‘I’m confused, I do love you i just need time, space? Instead: Get out! Stop by if you can? Even ‘any way you can stop by? You mean my own house?” Convenient. I’m not responding. Curiously, would you respond? To: Any way you can come by? I of course ran through a few responses: Why?,What for? Are you wanting to work things out? Do you just want to see me because you miss me? Transparency please? Funny how sometimes the text seem in a way that it’s like : well I didn’t mean snuggle, I meant get the mail” I’m still moving forward. Moving out of my apartment must happen. Despite that one drop of hope that maybe she would ……but it never happened before. I did not mean to upset her, or I’m sorry she got so upset and her emotions erupted uncontrollably and made a bit of a mess behind us. It was she who was hurting and I became the fall guy, the blame.. is that why Bpd’s come back? Because eventually they realize you are not the problem? How many people out there were called the worst and told they were the worst person imaginable, they are not the person for them! Then there partners turned around and things returned to some sense of loving relationship for a bit? I know what all the statistics and evidence suggest. I was just curious to hear stories. I have been finding that when I think about her I google ;”Bpd horror stories’ and I consider the future. I am going to stay on NC. I only responded the other day as she put out a message of : ‘resolve” she keeps wanting to resolve when we spoke the other night she said: let’s get this all out and resolve this. What she meant was ‘let’s do a big investigation so I can prove I’m right. ‘, at least that’s what she said. I’m ready to move beyond her accusations, misunderstandings, allegations. I don’t want to keep talking about it and defending myself. I love her well, I loved her completely. I provided all I could while I watched it start eating away. So I. Don’t respond. Let time go by and keep getting stronger and improving upon myself.
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Rev
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« Reply #8 on: December 18, 2021, 12:08:32 PM »

Let time go by and keep getting stronger and improving upon myself.

Every trip around the sun makes this possible.

Rev
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Phoenix910

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« Reply #9 on: December 18, 2021, 02:05:57 PM »

Firsttimefather, you definitely give me hope to see light at the end of the tunnel. My ex uBPD and I have been broken up for about a week (he broke up with me). He called me while I was working yesterday having mental breakdown about work to which he has not been to for about a week. I tried to talk him through to which he confesses and airs out his dirty laundry with infidelity in the 3 months we were in a relationship. He admits he self-sabotages and felt he met his perfect match (me) but couldn’t handle it because of everything he’s been through. I’m feeling numb but also taken back, that I was with someone that I didn’t even know. Feeling so confused. I hope he gets the help he needs I told him he needs therapy to which he agreed. I’m going to try to resist texting him and pouring out my emotions on how much of a bad person I think he is. Going to really try this NC thing. Hope he gets better, I just have to heal and recover from this experience.
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Firsttimefather
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« Reply #10 on: December 18, 2021, 02:40:11 PM »

Hi Phoenix, it’s the beginning of the end, No Contact that is. I’m sorry that happened to you. My Bpd partner broke up with me thinking I betrayed her, cheated etc. I did not though and thus here is my partner answering to a delusion and finally I shed a little light or reasonable doubt if you will. Okay- Phoenix, I think No Contact really helps. It’s hard to have clarity in the cPTSD trigger stages. It’s fight or flight: can I forgive and stay? Should I leave? We also take on our partners traits so I think it’s a compounded sense:we get used to constantly assessing our fight/flight response so it continues as it had except the loss now isn’t they are going to be mad at us, no we lose our love, our security, our trust…Well we have to let go, even if just for now. Practice Mindfulness: I wrote songs to be my mantras. You tube sleep hypnosis channels I find helpful for sleep. It will get better but No Contact has to be about you. Realize how it helps you to calm down, get it off your mind, etc…if they break it and you do respond, don’t right away, don’t read it right away. Let your emotions calm and think again. Do I need to respond? Most likely not so maybe don’t. If you do it does all start over again but I found it a little easier this time around.. definitely do it for you though. What happens to me is I think through the emotions and reach this point of ‘yeah I don’t need the rollercoaster ride again I’ll pass’  Hope my ramblings help, I’m a forever student I feel.Thanks for response and keep fighting the good fight! You are loved.
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ILMBPDC
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« Reply #11 on: December 18, 2021, 06:00:22 PM »

8 years later, and I still kind of wonder how someone could do such emotional cut off.
That emotional cut off was brutal. I still cant fathom how someone can do that to another person.  I think I'm going to make a separate post on my musings on this so I don't hijack this thread Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Turkish
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« Reply #12 on: December 18, 2021, 09:23:40 PM »

Here's a thought:

It takes us a while to detach emotionally (which is why we're all here), but it also takes our partners time to detach, even if cruelly cut off to us.

While the mother of our kids was still "deciding" whether to stay or go, she was still touchy-feely (though no sex or kissing... that would have been cheating on her new beau). Only when it was clearly done and I said, "move out!" Did that stop, mostly. She pulled the "it's hard for me too!" I didn't rise to it. No doubt it was even though these were her choices.

Detaching is a process for both. This isn't an approval from me about cheating or other types of abuse, it's just an observation. Only that which is fed can grow.

Phoenix910 resist the emotional dump no matter how justified or right it feels. Given time and detachment, there might be time for that later.
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Firsttimefather
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« Reply #13 on: December 18, 2021, 10:04:20 PM »

Turkish, I agree. I saw my ex today. Went home and she was asleep in my bed in my clothes! She misses me.She has moved into my room practically. I saw it too. She is suffering. No way she feels good right now. I realize I don’t think she actually wants me to move. It’s about control and space while she works through it but I can see needs me close. Not vindictively , her words of abuse I don’t think matter much to her, I think she is just trying to see how far she can chase me until I maybe cry for mercy. I feel so much better now having witnessed that. I’m still on my course but I do see I have a role in this yet. This allows me to be stronger. I wasn’t negatively triggered by what I witnessed. I am now more solid in my confidence and self esteem. Turkish thank you. Your reply came at the perfect time.
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Turkish
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« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2021, 10:45:59 PM »

I'm sorry, this is tough.

Not one of my better moments, but I told my ex that all she did was hurt people. She collapsed on my (our former) bed. I felt badly, and when I related the incident here, a member said that I was being abusive... at the time, no matter how angry I was at her, I did feel like I was kicking a puppy, metaphorically.

This was posted on another board recently. Jordan Peterson has some good insights.

VIDEO | How do you help someone with Borderline Personality Disorder~Jordan Peterson PhD

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Firsttimefather
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« Reply #15 on: December 18, 2021, 11:38:10 PM »

Thanks for sharing. It takes a lot to admit you were or done wrong. Kudos to you. I see that broken person now and it’s heartbreaking but it reminds me of my role in her life and how glad I was to be there with her.in our scenario we didn’t fight. To be quite honest she was the aggressive one, got just a bit physical a few times but I just walked when that happened. I don’t respond with anger or try to restrain etc. I learned from my childhood I can just walk away and let Dad blow a gasket by himself rather than sustain a beating.It is hard for me as in many ways I don’t want to leave, I want to be the person I promised to be. The problem with that is it comes at a high emotional price tag among other things as well, or potential things. It’s a commitment and then some and I would love to give it but it would need a lot of work to ‘get er runnin’ again. ‘ By now all those things that happened seems so long ago now to me. So over it. I looked at a new place to live potentially today but it is a bittersweet feeling as it might just work out with this new option. I wish there wasn’t all the cold devaluation, mean comments/verbal abuse, I do wish I could just talk to my ex and have a rational conversation. I wish this last hiccup wasn’t so extreme over something that didn’t really happen. But what’s to come? How bad next time ?  I can still love her at least, from afar and upon a memory I suppose.,. I also wish I knew then what I do now.
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