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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: A list of reasons to never go back  (Read 2306 times)
AwakenedOne
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« on: May 02, 2014, 11:07:53 PM »

Reasons that I have to never go back to my uBPDstbxw

She would say GD as many times as she could to torture me. She knew I didn't like that expression. I thought it was really disrespectful to God. One day she said GD about 50 times.

She called me a F'er so many times it was really her name for me toward the end.

She would tell me that my dead family members who I loved hated me and that I made them miserable while they were alive.

She said she would get physically sick at times of even hearing my voice.

She said at times she couldn't stand to look at me.

She told me how ugly I look often in a detailed description. Then she would in a lame way say "Sorry I gave you a complex."

She raised complete hell and told me off etc... . then she would sit on the sofa and flick on t.v. and smile and laugh at a show like what just happened didn't happen and I was invisible.

She mocked my speaking with a gesture ( I would prefer not to relay this in detail).

She did not respect my privacy and told others very personal things I asked her not to.

She lied, lied, lied, lied, lied... . then she lied, lied, lied some more. P.S. she lied more. Oh ya and BTW she lieeeed.

She was insanely jealous. Accused of wanting to have sex with whatever woman was on the radio singing if I said that's a cool song.

She always held a grudge the next day after an argument.

She abandoned me in a heartless way.


Thanks for letting me express and share this. Hard to explain but typing it out and posting it is helpful to me I feel.

You might be wondering why I stayed. When we got married it was totally different then I was stuck left to honor the wedding vows.

My advice do not rush marriage. TAKE YOUR TIME

AO
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2014, 11:35:09 PM »

Oh AO I'm sorry.  That sounds like complete and total hell. 
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2014, 12:11:27 AM »

I was just thinking that some of what I typed above is considered abuse right? I thought at the time it occurred that she's just mad. But this is abuse right?
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coolioqq
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« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2014, 12:28:32 AM »

AO, what she had in store for you was really horrible . I was about to go to sleep and then I read your post, and it really made me sad.

But, I came to one realization. I may be wrong, but don't you think there's a fair chance that she was doing all those hurtful things as a projection of her own self-hatred? Belittling your physical appearance (don't lose your sleep over this, pwBPD can be so superficial that you can be 100% sure she liked you physically - she wouldn't marry you otherwise, it's just projecting again), doing things to hurt your religious/spiritual beliefs and values, not having the decency to leave your dead family members alone... . Try and think of those bullies back in high-school? They did similar things to people. Do you think they meant it? Or they were really projecting something that they picked up at home while their drunk dad was punching them in the face, and their mom didn't give a damn about whether they're dead or alive... .

I don't know about your wife and her upbringing, but abusive behaviors are practically always born out of a deep sense of self-hatred. I know how much you are hurting now. But you can be sure that she is in a far worse place than you - it must be a hell to live with all that negativity in her head.

It sounds like you are man of faith. Stick to it! God will be there for you. One way or another, He pulled you out of it, right? Sometimes, we go against what His plans for us are, but it's never too late for Him to pull us out of what we got ourselves into. At the time, it may have been a horrible outcome. But, He saved your life . Let's hope He'll save hers too - she and those like her need it more than anyone.

Take care bro, have a good night's sleep and sweet dreams.  
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Jb101
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« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2014, 01:31:57 AM »

Sorry to hear that, that's terrible stuff. I had similar and understand how hard it is. It's also left me with virtually no self esteem atm. The personal comments one was a biggie for us, she was drunk one night and demanding sex, when she didn't get enough she went off at me. Next thing I know she's told her friend that I suck in bed... . Which I found out because her friend came around the next week for New Years, got drunk and started mocking me about it. When I raised it with my ex later she denied it and said her friend had decided it on her own! Until later in the argument she admitted it. I can add to the list, Xmas and New Years from absolute hell, worst in my life, and never, ever again.
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2014, 08:12:53 AM »

AO, what she had in store for you was really horrible . I was about to go to sleep and then I read your post, and it really made me sad.

But, I came to one realization. I may be wrong, but don't you think there's a fair chance that she was doing all those hurtful things as a projection of her own self-hatred? Belittling your physical appearance (don't lose your sleep over this, pwBPD can be so superficial that you can be 100% sure she liked you physically - she wouldn't marry you otherwise, it's just projecting again), doing things to hurt your religious/spiritual beliefs and values, not having the decency to leave your dead family members alone... . Try and think of those bullies back in high-school? They did similar things to people. Do you think they meant it? Or they were really projecting something that they picked up at home while their drunk dad was punching them in the face, and their mom didn't give a damn about whether they're dead or alive... .

I don't know about your wife and her upbringing, but abusive behaviors are practically always born out of a deep sense of self-hatred. I know how much you are hurting now. But you can be sure that she is in a far worse place than you - it must be a hell to live with all that negativity in her head.

It sounds like you are man of faith. Stick to it! God will be there for you. One way or another, He pulled you out of it, right? Sometimes, we go against what His plans for us are, but it's never too late for Him to pull us out of what we got ourselves into. At the time, it may have been a horrible outcome. But, He saved your life . Let's hope He'll save hers too - she and those like her need it more than anyone.

Take care bro, have a good night's sleep and sweet dreams.  

Hey coolioqq,

I appreciate what you said here and thanks for taking the time out to comment. It makes a lot of sense what you wrote. After I read this it has turned my mood around today very much.

I have never told anyone I know of all this hell/BPD struggles or anything ever. They just know we didn't work out. It's good to get some of this stuff expressed and out of my system somewhat. I guess it's either post here or go into the woods and just scream this stuff into the air and nature. I don't think the squirrels and birds are going to want me to do that though. Smiling (click to insert in post)

AO
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Hudson

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« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2014, 08:36:24 AM »

I agree that the way she treated you was a projection of herself. I think you did an amazing job hanging in there for so long. It's such a shock when you marry someone anfpd then they change into a person you don't recognise.

I hope you don't take any of that on- board, but realise that it's unfortunate but she's really sick spiritually.

I too was married to a NBPDh who put me thro 8 years of that type of stuff you experienced. I am not a depressive person, patient and very loving, so this knocked me for six, brought me to my knees with pain and depression. Thank goodness it didn't last, now I'm much better, still long way off recovery.

I so hope that you are feeling better anfpd that you're well on the way to recovery.

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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2014, 10:08:12 PM »

I agree that the way she treated you was a projection of herself. I think you did an amazing job hanging in there for so long. It's such a shock when you marry someone anfpd then they change into a person you don't recognise.

I hope you don't take any of that on- board, but realise that it's unfortunate but she's really sick spiritually.

I too was married to a NBPDh who put me thro 8 years of that type of stuff you experienced. I am not a depressive person, patient and very loving, so this knocked me for six, brought me to my knees with pain and depression. Thank goodness it didn't last, now I'm much better, still long way off recovery.

I so hope that you are feeling better anfpd that you're well on the way to recovery.

Hudson,

Thanks for the kind words and sharing your story. I am glad your much better now. I'm good for the most part. In under 4 months I can file for divorce and this story can come to a close.

Peace,

AO
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TitaniumPhoebe

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« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2014, 11:03:56 PM »

awful stuff to have to go through!  I'm glad to hear you got out.

I agree about not rushing marriage. Learned that one the hard way myself
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Banshee
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« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2014, 01:07:58 AM »

She would tell me that my dead family members who I loved hated me and that I made them miserable while they were alive.

She said she would get physically sick at times of even hearing my voice.

The first thing that came to mind when I read this was from the movie water boy and the phrase "women are the debil'!

She sounds like a nightmare... I mean sincerely... I feel for you and hate that anyone would have to go through that ABUSE... and yes it's abuse!

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willy45
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« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2014, 01:13:32 AM »

Oh man. That sounds terrible. I'm so glad for you that you are out of that situation. Sounds aweful.
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Jb101
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« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2014, 01:15:52 AM »

Very good point, it took me a long time to admit it was abuse. I don't know why, it was like I'm a guy, how can I have been weak enough to let somebody abuse me... .
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2014, 01:31:45 AM »

I was a marriage vow keeping in denial robot who believed she would stop raging if I showed more love to her. It's like when you make a huge investment of time with someone of years you then hate to throw in the towel before the game is over. It was more like being in Las Vegas and losing money though. I just bet double down hoping to make up for the losses which = ( I tried harder, loved more, forgave more, reasoned more with an unreasonable person). Make sense? It ended in a huge loss. But in life though there is more games to be played with a normal healthy person instead of her.
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Hudson

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« Reply #13 on: May 04, 2014, 01:59:16 AM »

Hey   many thanks for that AO! I appreciate your little feedback there and good work because somehow I was thinking you were going to stay and work it out?

I believe our lives end up being like a train-wreck, the Non's take years to recover while the sick ones just keep cruising thro life attracting poor innocent UNSUSPECTING victims and it's like landing in a spiders  my-issuesweb and your this fly, struggling as to figure how how on earth to get out as unscathed as possible. For me broken hearted, broke and a total dribbling confused mess (I was that is, not everyone).

Lovely to share.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #14 on: May 04, 2014, 02:05:29 AM »

I was thinking you were going to stay and work it out?

I stuck it out, she abandoned the marriage 8 months ago. Took all the money, the car, left me no where to live, caused me to lose my job, no way to pay all the bills, had to drop out of college no way to get to school etc... . At least I can know I tried. I can know also I am a good person and I am not the terrible person she said I was.
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Hudson

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« Reply #15 on: May 04, 2014, 02:26:38 AM »

 lOh no! That's what happened to me too to a degree. How awful. The main thing is that you van proudly with no guilt say you turned over every stone to try and find and fix the problems! That's awful. That's what I mean about the train-wreck. So sorry to hear that!  I'm sending you a big hug! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I've been living out of a suitcase for 2 years, so I have empathy.

I was crying today as I have to move to yet another girlfriends place tonight, (sob) as this apartment has sold and my friend is going to travel for a few months as she's renting this.  It's still SO depressing, I'm trying very hard to keep up a brave front and hold my chin up. I'm very fortunate I have loads of lovely caring friends. A girlfriend just left and she's buying an apartment and I'm going to share with her and it'll help pay her mortgage, hope it's soon.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Hudson

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« Reply #16 on: May 04, 2014, 02:27:43 AM »

Sorry about the typos! When my eyes well-up I miss things!
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #17 on: May 04, 2014, 02:41:41 AM »

lOh no! That's what happened to me too to a degree. How awful. The main thing is that you van proudly with no guilt say you turned over every stone to try and find and fix the problems! That's awful. That's what I mean about the train-wreck. So sorry to hear that!  I'm sending you a big hug! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I've been living out of a suitcase for 2 years, so I have empathy.

I was crying today as I have to move to yet another girlfriends place tonight, (sob) as this apartment has sold and my friend is going to travel for a few months as she's renting this.  It's still SO depressing, I'm trying very hard to keep up a brave front and hold my chin up. I'm very fortunate I have loads of lovely caring friends. A girlfriend just left and she's buying an apartment and I'm going to share with her and it'll help pay her mortgage, hope it's soon.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

It's good you have your friends, that's cool. Nobody knows in my life what I went through, it's too weird to tell them. They just know things were hellish and didn't work out. I am doing ok though and know some people and am taking life one day at a time. I am not giving up any dreams because of her. I'll make the dreams come true without her. Might take a while though. This place is good for us to vent. I never new anything about BPD till 6 months after we separated. Take care. 

Have a good night,

AO



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