Surviving a break up with my BPD ex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Like many others I had never heard of BPD until things fell apart with my former partner.  We met by chance and I thought she was the kindest, happiest, funniest person I had ever met.  She was quirky, independent and spontaneous with a smile that would light up any room.  She was everything I had always wanted, someone who brought the best out in me and made me feel on top of the world.  When we were together I felt younger, taller, better looking and truly blessed.  I proposed to her and when she said yes I was the happiest man alive.  Eventually we moved into together, I sold my home to buy somewhere for us both and at first it seemed like a dream come true.  One year later she had begun to devalue and split me.  Suddenly nothing was right, trivial things were escalated into major issues. She became more secretive, distant and stopped taking care of herself, rarely showering.  Then one day she let rip in a rage that I could not believe.  She moved out of our bedroom and two months later out of our home.  Those two months were a living hell of rage, accusations, threats, distortions and vile insults.  The person I loved had transformed almost overnight into a hate-filled stranger who seemed to feel nothing but contempt for me.  She would rage until she made herself ill, gasping for breath in tantrums worse than any toddler.  Each one seemingly triggered by nothing at all. A year on I still feel a desperate sadness and sense of loss.  I didn't understand what was happening at the time but it was clear she was having some sort of mental health episode and a experiencing a great internal crisis.  I have experienced plenty of sad and challenging events in my life, break ups, divorce, redundancy and bereavement, none came close to the sadness and hurt involved in this break up. Watching someone I loved with all my heart going through such turmoil but being completely unable to reach her, to help her or calm her broke my heart.  Time is supposed to heal but a year on and 6 months of no contact the pain of loss feels as great as it did on the day she left.

[fryingpanfundays]

Like many others I had never heard of BPD until things fell apart with my former partner.  We met by chance and I thought she was the kindest, happiest, funniest person I had ever met.  She was quirky, independent and spontaneous with a smile that would light up any room.  She was everything I had always wanted, someone who brought the best out in me and made me feel on top of the world.  When we were together I felt younger, taller, better looking and truly blessed.  I proposed to her and when she said yes I was the happiest man alive.  Eventually we moved into together, I sold my home to buy somewhere for us both and at first it seemed like a dream come true.  One year later she had begun to devalue and split me.  Suddenly nothing was right, trivial things were escalated into major issues. She became more secretive, distant and stopped taking care of herself, rarely showering.  Then one day she let rip in a rage that I could not believe.  She moved out of our bedroom and two months later out of our home.  Those two months were a living hell of rage, accusations, threats, distortions and vile insults.  The person I loved had transformed almost overnight into a hate-filled stranger who seemed to feel nothing but contempt for me.  She would rage until she made herself ill, gasping for breath in tantrums worse than any toddler.  Each one seemingly triggered by nothing at all. A year on I still feel a desperate sadness and sense of loss.  I didn't understand what was happening at the time but it was clear she was having some sort of mental health episode and a experiencing a great internal crisis.  I have experienced plenty of sad and challenging events in my life, break ups, divorce, redundancy and bereavement, none came close to the sadness and hurt involved in this break up. Watching someone I loved with all my heart going through such turmoil but being completely unable to reach her, to help her or calm her broke my heart.  Time is supposed to heal but a year on and 6 months of no contact the pain of loss feels as great as it did on the day she left.

[Rev]

Hi Fryingpan,

Thanks for reaching out. Welcome. Sorry you find yourself here. Glad you found us.

This is a good place, one where you will find lots of support and very little judgement. Like none.

And ... many of us have had lots of trouble letting go. There's an addictive quality to these relationships that can be really hard to break. So go easy on yourself. While what you are feeling is not fun by any means, it is normal. And you can get past it, even if it does feel like it right now.

For now, the only thing I'll add is to find a way to treat yourself with some compassion. Do you have friends to support and love you?  That is where I started. I'd say it took me a good two years to stop ruminating and I still think about her a lot. I just suffer much less now than before.

And, I wonder if you have spent any time imagining what a better life would like. If you were there, how would you know?  How much of that do you have now, right in front of you?  What might you need to add? What else might you need to drop to create more space for the parts you'd like to add?

Write back when you feel ready.

Hang in there. Thanks again for reaching out.

Rev