Absence for us

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For us "nons", it seems that absence makes the heart grow fonder (or perhaps the memory just grows dimmer).  The further away I am from his chaos, the more I forget and second guess myself; wondering if I read too much into everything, if I was the one who overreacted or pushed his buttons... .etc,etc...   He's never been officially diagnosed but has literally shown every sign of BPD (aside from cutting or attempting suicide) and even if one were to dispute the BPD, our relationship (or interaction, rather) strongly demonstrated 8 out of 10 of the signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. So bottom line- this was not a healthy relationship for either of us!

  Regardless of knowing all this (and writing it down and rereading it... .so much so that I emailed a copy to myself that I keep on my blackberry for weak moments), I still second guess myself... .somewhere within me, wanting to believe that he's "normal" and what we had was real.  Desperation I suppose.  I've read somewhere on this site that absence does not make the heart grow fonder for people with BPD.  That's incredibly hard for me to swallow.  As time marches on, my anger, my frustration, and my will weaken but for him, it just continues to lessen... .?  He told me once that he doesn't know why or how but he can just turn his feelings off and truly feel nothing for someone... .Rationally, I know I don't want to be with someone like that and I don't want to subject my children to someone who is capable of turning love off so easily. I know you can't build a life with someone who operates like that.  But... .There is always that dam* "but"...   Why on earth do I pine for this unrequited love?

And the thought of him moving on, makes me so heart-sick and ill.  The thought of someone else having with him all that I was promised... .all that we had dreamt, evokes a myriad of feelings--shame, rage, sadness, desperation, fury, hate, desolation... .

Unfortunately (since our interaction was long-distance), this absence of physical presence has been one that I'm accustomed to making me long more for him.  When he was physically present, he couldn't hide the 'ugliness' so easily and those glimpses often made me think twice about our 'relationship'.  With his distance, he can (it's so very clear now why our long distance relationship worked so well for him... .he was truly hiding his true self from me).  And now, like everyone else who views him from a safe distance, he seems so 'perfect' (which is precisely the way he wants everyone to see him).  And I hate that.  It would be so much easier to walk away if his craziness was blazing in my face.  Instead, that part of him is now hidden, once again, beneath an exterior of successful businessman perfection, GQ decorum, suave conversation, and incredible good looks; all a facade, mind you, but attractive traits just the same. 

Waiting I guess... .Waiting for absence to heal and not hurt so darn much. 

[repeatoffender]

For us "nons", it seems that absence makes the heart grow fonder (or perhaps the memory just grows dimmer).  The further away I am from his chaos, the more I forget and second guess myself; wondering if I read too much into everything, if I was the one who overreacted or pushed his buttons... .etc,etc...   He's never been officially diagnosed but has literally shown every sign of BPD (aside from cutting or attempting suicide) and even if one were to dispute the BPD, our relationship (or interaction, rather) strongly demonstrated 8 out of 10 of the signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. So bottom line- this was not a healthy relationship for either of us!

  Regardless of knowing all this (and writing it down and rereading it... .so much so that I emailed a copy to myself that I keep on my blackberry for weak moments), I still second guess myself... .somewhere within me, wanting to believe that he's "normal" and what we had was real.  Desperation I suppose.  I've read somewhere on this site that absence does not make the heart grow fonder for people with BPD.  That's incredibly hard for me to swallow.  As time marches on, my anger, my frustration, and my will weaken but for him, it just continues to lessen... .?  He told me once that he doesn't know why or how but he can just turn his feelings off and truly feel nothing for someone... .Rationally, I know I don't want to be with someone like that and I don't want to subject my children to someone who is capable of turning love off so easily. I know you can't build a life with someone who operates like that.  But... .There is always that dam* "but"...   Why on earth do I pine for this unrequited love?

And the thought of him moving on, makes me so heart-sick and ill.  The thought of someone else having with him all that I was promised... .all that we had dreamt, evokes a myriad of feelings--shame, rage, sadness, desperation, fury, hate, desolation... .

Unfortunately (since our interaction was long-distance), this absence of physical presence has been one that I'm accustomed to making me long more for him.  When he was physically present, he couldn't hide the 'ugliness' so easily and those glimpses often made me think twice about our 'relationship'.  With his distance, he can (it's so very clear now why our long distance relationship worked so well for him... .he was truly hiding his true self from me).  And now, like everyone else who views him from a safe distance, he seems so 'perfect' (which is precisely the way he wants everyone to see him).  And I hate that.  It would be so much easier to walk away if his craziness was blazing in my face.  Instead, that part of him is now hidden, once again, beneath an exterior of successful businessman perfection, GQ decorum, suave conversation, and incredible good looks; all a facade, mind you, but attractive traits just the same. 

Waiting I guess... .Waiting for absence to heal and not hurt so darn much. 

[beyondbelief]

Rationally, I know I don't want to be with someone like that and I don't want to subject my children to someone who is capable of turning love off so easily.

The thought of someone else having with him all that I was promised... .all that we had dreamt, evokes a myriad of feelings--shame, rage, sadness, desperation, fury, hate, desolation... .

You are feeling a lot of things right now.  Some of them you would probably feel in a normal breakup and others related to BPD.

Rational people know playing slot machines are a sucker bet.  People get hooked by the intermittent rewards.  Just enough rewards to keep people pulling the lever.  You might win a day or a week but keep coming back and almost no one is a winner.

Do you really think the next person he becomes involved with will have better luck than you did?  That would be like after you realize the folly of continuing to feed the slots the next person will drop a quarter in and call in rich to work the next day.  It could happen... .but not likely.

Whether he has BPD or athletes foot, it really doesn't matter.  You have escaped an abusive situation.  And that matters A LOT!

[seeking balance]

Hi & 

Accepting a relationship is over without having any real closure is hard.  The thing about this type of relationship is we tend to spend so much of it in chaos, that we are a bit used to it - that becomes the norm, the withdrawl type feelings you describe.

Coming off these relationships is described by many as coming off of drugs - it is mental, physical and emotional withdrawl.  I know it was for me.

What helps is:

staying active physically, keeping to a routine, eating, basics that make you feel good - ie, baths, massages, etc

good friends who let you vent

therapy to figure out  how the heck we ended up here

and most of all - patience with ourselves

This relationship has caused more damage than you might even be aware of right now - it will take time to heal.

Be gentle with yourself.

Peace, sB

[OverandDone]

For us "nons", it seems that absence makes the heart grow fonder (or perhaps the memory just grows dimmer).  The further away I am from his chaos, the more I forget and second guess myself; wondering if I read too much into everything, if I was the one who overreacted or pushed his buttons... .etc,etc...   He's never been officially diagnosed but has literally shown every sign of BPD (aside from cutting or attempting suicide) and even if one were to dispute the BPD, our relationship (or interaction, rather) strongly demonstrated 8 out of 10 of the signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. So bottom line- this was not a healthy relationship for either of us!

  Regardless of knowing all this (and writing it down and rereading it... .so much so that I emailed a copy to myself that I keep on my blackberry for weak moments), I still second guess myself... .somewhere within me, wanting to believe that he's "normal" and what we had was real.  Desperation I suppose.  I've read somewhere on this site that absence does not make the heart grow fonder for people with BPD.  That's incredibly hard for me to swallow.  As time marches on, my anger, my frustration, and my will weaken but for him, it just continues to lessen... .?  He told me once that he doesn't know why or how but he can just turn his feelings off and truly feel nothing for someone... .Rationally, I know I don't want to be with someone like that and I don't want to subject my children to someone who is capable of turning love off so easily. I know you can't build a life with someone who operates like that.  But... .There is always that dam* "but"...   Why on earth do I pine for this unrequited love?

And the thought of him moving on, makes me so heart-sick and ill.  The thought of someone else having with him all that I was promised... .all that we had dreamt, evokes a myriad of feelings--shame, rage, sadness, desperation, fury, hate, desolation... .

Unfortunately (since our interaction was long-distance), this absence of physical presence has been one that I'm accustomed to making me long more for him.  When he was physically present, he couldn't hide the 'ugliness' so easily and those glimpses often made me think twice about our 'relationship'.  With his distance, he can (it's so very clear now why our long distance relationship worked so well for him... .he was truly hiding his true self from me).  And now, like everyone else who views him from a safe distance, he seems so 'perfect' (which is precisely the way he wants everyone to see him).  And I hate that.  It would be so much easier to walk away if his craziness was blazing in my face.  Instead, that part of him is now hidden, once again, beneath an exterior of successful businessman perfection, GQ decorum, suave conversation, and incredible good looks; all a facade, mind you, but attractive traits just the same. 

Waiting I guess... .Waiting for absence to heal and not hurt so darn much. 

I don't know if I could have written my exact same feelings as eloquently as you, but I grieve in exactly the same way you are.  The part of hearing your loved one say they can just wake up one morning and not have any feelings for a person who would sacrifice their life for them (was told this happened to other guys before me), is unfathomable.  Of course, you become another person on that list one day.  And... .to make matters worse, when the relationship does go that route and you are left a broken human being you can't help but feel more devastation as your former soulmate disappears on the horizon with someone else.  It's difficult not to feel subhuman after all that.  I know I do.  And I wait, just like you... .hoping the pain eases with time and without the drama/abuse of someone I cared way too much for.

I feel so sorry for you and everyone one else that has to suffer through this.  But it will get better with time.  We just have to have patience.  

[Vagabond]

I think Repeat sums this up very well... To quote ' an emotionally abusive relationship'... That to me sums everything up. That sort of abuse can take many forms and i think in a toxic r/s both parties are guilty of this, i know i was. Its human instinct to defend yourself, to stand your ground, to fight fire with fire so to speak but the sensible thing to do is walk away, but we were not sensible because if we had been we would not be here.

But i digress, absence for us, i have to admit is the strangest thing i experienced in this, and to a degree there are times i still do. I am of the same belief as SB that it is like coming off a drug. I believe deep down we enjoyed the drama and the dynamics of it all, when you are just being fed scraps from the table then any attention above that is craved, were we any better than a mistreated dog who is not really wanted but gets the odd bit of love and then is kicked and thrown out on the street, but the dog does not know any better and all it wants is to come home and shelter because the scraps are better than the street.

[2010]

And the thought of him moving on, makes me so heart-sick and ill.  The thought of someone else having with him all that I was promised... .all that we had dreamt, evokes a myriad of feelings--shame, rage, sadness, desperation, fury, hate, desolation... .

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance. I think you've entered bargaining. You've gone through the disbelief, you've gone through the fighting- now that the fighting has stopped, you have time to ponder what happened and review- and bargain.

Bargaining can bring you back to denial of the disorder, which means you are right back at the beginning. That's OK. These feelings swirl around naturally in the aftermath of an abandonment- just be careful that your thoughts don't go back to denial of the problem. In spite of all the evidence that the relaionship was painfully dysfunctional, denial can occur because it's less painful than abandonment, and you can re-enter the relationship by breaking contact- (especially considering the curious possibility (according to you) that someone else is getting exactly what you were promised.)  A board member once said, "borderline exists to deny itself."  Once you catch on to the denial of it, you have to be careful not to accept that it was your fault, but he's not going to think it's his either. You'll have to be OK with that.

Promises mean nothing to a Borderline. If you get carried away by the writing and the sweet whispered nothings, think again: LOVE is an action. Love is what you do, not what you say. You need someone who steps in and steps up every single day. This person couldn't give it to you- so he's done the right thing- he's gone away. That means he wasn't ready to be the husband you need and deserve and he's telling you so, in a nice way... .that he doesn't want to continue hurting you.  You've got to look at this as a positive.

Susan Anderson wrote about feelings in S.W.I.R.L., which is an acronym which stands for the five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting: www.abandonmentrecovery.com/swirl.html It's similar to the concept of Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Acceptance.

Focus on you. Fill your time with things that make you happy. Take up some new hobbies, something you've always wanted to do. You'll meet new people.

Let this man go, while you take care of you. You may even meet the man who IS ready for you, and one who WON'T hurt you in the process.