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[ve01603]

How do they know?  No sooner did I say that I hope I never hear from him again and really didn't expect to, he calls last night.  I didn't answer but I did play the message. 

I knew that his mother was in bad shape out of state but she's not getting any better, in fact it is worse and I think that he is looking for someone to cling onto.  He went to see her in February and now won't go back out there, which is the same thing that he would do to me if I were dying. 

He has alienated everyone and actually painted his mother black for being sick and acting like it doesn't bother him. 

I don't know what to do.  I feel sorry for him but don't want to be involved with him again at all.  I was looking forward to maybe starting to date in a few months.  I know that I owe him nothing but I still feel sorry for him.  I guess some people have no conscience and some people have too much.

[balancing act]

No contact.  It's ok to do it.

You don't have too much conscience, I think it's too much compassion.  I suffer from it, too.  It's a good thing until someone uses it against us to make us feel obligation.  You're right, you don't owe him anything.

Stay strong, and be compassionate to yourself!

~balancing act

[justagirl68]

How do they know?  No sooner did I say that I hope I never hear from him again and really didn't expect to, he calls last night.  I didn't answer but I did play the message. 

I knew that his mother was in bad shape out of state but she's not getting any better, in fact it is worse and I think that he is looking for someone to cling onto.  He went to see her in February and now won't go back out there, which is the same thing that he would do to me if I were dying. 

He has alienated everyone and actually painted his mother black for being sick and acting like it doesn't bother him. 

I don't know what to do.  I feel sorry for him but don't want to be involved with him again at all.  I was looking forward to maybe starting to date in a few months.  I know that I owe him nothing but I still feel sorry for him.  I guess some people have no conscience and some people have too much.

I'm so sorry... .

I know what it's like, all of what you described!

If he wasn't BPD and normal (I use that word lightly) maybe it would be easier to be there for him as a friend or supporter.

The worst mistake we can make is allowing them to get their claws back in, clearly they have no boundaries... .so you have to set them for you both!

Keep being the great person you are, there is nothing wrong for caring for people!

Very proud of the way you handled it too... .good luck and I hope you find someone great to date!  Have some fun! :D

[AlexDP]

How do they know?  No sooner did I say that I hope I never hear from him again and really didn't expect to, he calls last night.  I didn't answer but I did play the message. 

I knew that his mother was in bad shape out of state but she's not getting any better, in fact it is worse and I think that he is looking for someone to cling onto.  He went to see her in February and now won't go back out there, which is the same thing that he would do to me if I were dying. 

He has alienated everyone and actually painted his mother black for being sick and acting like it doesn't bother him. 

I don't know what to do.  I feel sorry for him but don't want to be involved with him again at all.  I was looking forward to maybe starting to date in a few months.  I know that I owe him nothing but I still feel sorry for him.  I guess some people have no conscience and some people have too much.

I wonder if my ex will ever try to contact me again. Sometimes I wonder about what it would be like. I think it would be a very strange experience, being as detached as I am. Three months and no word though, so I'm thinking it'll never happen. Which, by the way, is most likely a good thing.

I still fear contact though. Not in the sense that I think she would be able to suck me back in (three months out and my God, what a difference  ), but I think I might be tempted to "help" her and get frustrated when I realize I can't.

[seeking balance]

How do they know?  No sooner did I say that I hope I never hear from him again and really didn't expect to, he calls last night.  I didn't answer but I did play the message. 

I knew that his mother was in bad shape out of state but she's not getting any better, in fact it is worse and I think that he is looking for someone to cling onto.  He went to see her in February and now won't go back out there, which is the same thing that he would do to me if I were dying. 

He has alienated everyone and actually painted his mother black for being sick and acting like it doesn't bother him. 

I don't know what to do.  I feel sorry for him but don't want to be involved with him again at all.  I was looking forward to maybe starting to date in a few months.  I know that I owe him nothing but I still feel sorry for him.  I guess some people have no conscience and some people have too much.

VE - you have been in this exact same position 3 times now.  Each time, you claim "feeling sorry" for him and go back.  How has this worked out for you?

There is nothing easy about detaching from someone, but if he has BPD, then his issue is not lack of compassion - it is mental illness.

Your issue is not too much compassion - it is lack of boundaries.

Which one of these can you control?

What are you going to do?

[ve01603]

O.K. so this is what happened.  Un freaking believable.  His mom is really sick and she was his rock, his enabler.  I felt sorry for him because I know that he is nuts, plus he doesn't have his mom.  He is so drug and alcohol addicted that he can't even work with a biller enough to collect any billing.  He hasn't collected for the last year.  

I don't love him anymore and don't want to be with him.  I really want to date this summer.  I love what I thought that we were going to have, what we could have had before he trashed it.  

But I felt sorry for him because he said that he was so mentally shot and needed my help. He also said that he had not been drinking or pot smoking and he hadn't seen the derelict friends. He asked me to come over after work so I did.  I didn't want to go and all day on Tuesday I felt like someone had sucked the air out of me.  When I went there, he was smoking pot and drinking and had not talked to anyone about his mom.  We couldn't fax what we needed to because he was missing the Declaration Page to the malpractice insurance.  I told him to call the insurance company, get one and fax it the next day.  I also told him to get as much of his billing together as he could and I would help him get it to someone this weekend.  No way do I have the time but I was going to do it anyway.  I was going to have one drink over there and then go home.  I got a glass and didn't even get to pour it when the phone rang.  He went running up the stairs like a teenage girl waiting for a prom date to call, and yelled Mike as he ran up the stairs!  It was that derelict that he hangs with sometimes, the one he blows me off for.  He gets off the phone and went back to his old crap of last year and says Mike's coming over and I have to leave, which only tells me that they are doing drugs that they don't want me to know about or they are gay.  Probably drugs.  

I left.  I felt so relieved and off the hook!  I said don't ever call me again.  He said no I didn't say I'd never call you again.  I said no, I'm telling you to never call me again.  I said you call and ask me to come over here because you need me and you need help, and I feel sorry for you and come, and now you blow me off for this derelict!  He must have some really good drugs!  Anyway, I left and will never look back.  I really didn't want to go but I felt sorry.  Some nerve.  Anyway, I called the sister today and the mother is somewhat better.  She lives out of state and none of her rotten kids even went.  I guess it was pretty bad but she is getting a little better so I am happy.  Hope he gets mom back because he has lost me for good.  These people are a total trip.

[The Ride]

Hey Ve,

Things like this seem to reinforce why no contact is THE BEST way to go with these people.  Have you considered changing your contact info?  I know it's a pain in the butt, but in the long run, would be worth it.  It will make it easier for you move on and harder for him to pester you.

I had to do this with my cell, as he used to text me during the recycles and that's what would start everything up again.  So when I left him, I just cut my cell phone off.  He doesn't bug me through email.  To tell you the truth, I'm shocked that he has respected my wishes for no contact.  We have a mutual friend on fb, but I have him blocked so can't see his posts, eventually, I will remove her as she is his neighbor and I don't have anything in common with her anymore.  I think he uses her to keep tabs on me, but was kindof afraid to delete her while the divorce was going on, but it's final now, so it doesn't matter.

Sorry for the ramble... .it might be worth giving some consideration to.  Hang in there. 

[2010]

No way do I have the time but I was going to do it anyway.

Why?

This isn't about him anymore, it's about you. 

[foiles]

Really if there is contact under circumstances like this, it's about us. Blocking numbers, email addresses, fb, etc... .Protects us from the FOG. And NC means NC, even indirectly through relatives or mutual acquaintances.

Maybe the best thing for him isn't his mom, if she was his primary enabler. 

[ve01603]

Hey guys!  I'm good.  I'm almost glad that it happened that way.  See I was way too obligated because he came along at a time in my life when I needed help and he helped me, but it has been paid many times over.  I also think that he is so dysfunctional more than he even realizes and now that he doesn't have his mom, it can't be me, but I wanted to try to help him this one last time to at least get some money going, but then he chooses Mike over me again, even after he calls and asks me to come over?  Totally insane!  I told him whatever he needs help with, ask Mike, that's his guy!

[Checkmate]

 I really want to date this summer.  I love what I thought that we were going to have, what we could have had before he trashed it.  

I can relate to this ... .It's amazing how we can hang onto hope and then grieve the hope that has abandoned us even in the face of a horrible relationship ... .I truly miss the life I thought we were going to have also ... .There is this part of me that wishes there was some magical cure that would allow us to have had that future ... .

[ve01603]

 I really want to date this summer.  I love what I thought that we were going to have, what we could have had before he trashed it.  

I can relate to this ... .It's amazing how we can hang onto hope and then grieve the hope that has abandoned us even in the face of a horrible relationship ... .I truly miss the life I thought we were going to have also ... .There is this part of me that wishes there was some magical cure that would allow us to have had that future ... .

I know.  Even the other night when he called, I still had a small amount of hope that he had been alone or without me long enough to change, but it was the same bull all over again.  He'll never even think about changing until he gets in so much trouble with these guys that he goes to jail or something.

[foiles]

Yep, that's the way ve. When they need help they'll go to whomever they think they can glom on to. If we let them, they'll come. I think that's how they pick us. We let them. Don't let him, ve! You deserve better!