Oy vey Here we go again.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Sorry folks, I know this is going to come across as me beating a dead horse, but I need to have some better understanding of this. I do apologize if I come across as long winded. Anyways, as some of you know, my ex has brought 2 legal cases against me over the past 4 months. I have retained a lawyer. About 2 weeks ago, my ex-BPD's lawyer calls my lawyer and asks: how can we make this all go away? hmmmm (insert red flag here)

Most people would think, hey, this is good news. But as we all know, ahhhhh, not so fast. Well, today I get a call from my lawyer, and the ex is willing to go into court to make this all go away, except... .there is a stipulation.  Ah yes, the dreaded stiulation. hmmmm wonder why? The stipulation is, that I do not contact the ex for the next 6 moths. Which is what the lawyer says will be the usual length of things such as this.

But we all know, this is a smokescreen. Tell ya why. The ex currently has a 14 year restraining order against me. Forget the legal stuff for a moment, why now, would she want a stipulation for 6 months let's say. She knows I'm gonna fight the restraining order, and the criminal complaint. Again, I'm looking for an insight to understand why she would do this. Some have told me, she's painted you white now. MMMMM... .I don't know if that's completely true or not. I'm just trying to understand her as best as I can. Is this correct?

Control? Manipulation? What?  Someone, please help this moron understand.

The best offense is a good defense, right?

[BillP]

Sorry folks, I know this is going to come across as me beating a dead horse, but I need to have some better understanding of this. I do apologize if I come across as long winded. Anyways, as some of you know, my ex has brought 2 legal cases against me over the past 4 months. I have retained a lawyer. About 2 weeks ago, my ex-BPD's lawyer calls my lawyer and asks: how can we make this all go away? hmmmm (insert red flag here)

Most people would think, hey, this is good news. But as we all know, ahhhhh, not so fast. Well, today I get a call from my lawyer, and the ex is willing to go into court to make this all go away, except... .there is a stipulation.  Ah yes, the dreaded stiulation. hmmmm wonder why? The stipulation is, that I do not contact the ex for the next 6 moths. Which is what the lawyer says will be the usual length of things such as this.

But we all know, this is a smokescreen. Tell ya why. The ex currently has a 14 year restraining order against me. Forget the legal stuff for a moment, why now, would she want a stipulation for 6 months let's say. She knows I'm gonna fight the restraining order, and the criminal complaint. Again, I'm looking for an insight to understand why she would do this. Some have told me, she's painted you white now. MMMMM... .I don't know if that's completely true or not. I'm just trying to understand her as best as I can. Is this correct?

Control? Manipulation? What?  Someone, please help this moron understand.

The best offense is a good defense, right?

[Skip]

Didn't  you ask this last month   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=144339.msg1405477#msg1405477

Bill, there are lots of reasons she might want to let it go - doesn't want to pay for a trial - doesn't care anymore - doesn't have a great case... .

But unless this is a "War of the Roses" type battle in futility, why not let go of the emotion, make a settlement and move on. 

The opening offer is not outrageous and you might do better.

[2010]

She knows I'm gonna fight the restraining order, and the criminal complaint.

The stipulation that you stay away for 6 months is only if the legal case is dropped, correct? So if you are going to fight this then the 6 mos. is a moot point.  Even though she, her lawyer and your lawyer want to resolve the conflict by dismissing the legal complaints- you do not.  You've made it clear that you want payback.  There's something to be said in your continuation of the fight in spite of it's possibilities of harming you further.

That "smokescreen" you speak of that equals 6 months is perfectly acceptable if the 14 year restraining order is dropped. But if you don't honor the lawyer's request to sign off on the original legal conflict, it matters none.

When you continue to fight rather than resolve the conflict-that says something. I have to admit, I'm confused.  If you are worried about your reputation and you seek to fight her in order to be validated by the court- then what should happen if the court does not validate you?

Be prepared to accept that the outcome is not in your hands- it is in the courts- and your Lawyer may assert his own boundaries based upon what he feels is the *reasonable* thing to do.  Please listen to him.  When enough is enough in a court of law- you will find out quickly when the case is either dismissed-or sanctioned.  I believe you wish to dismiss the charges against you- Isn't that solving the same thing as signing off on the conflict resolution? -except that the fight has wasted your time, money and energy. Is there a reason you wish to stay in the fight?

And let's not forget that if the courts sanction against you, the 14 year restraining order goes onto your permanent record. (Be prepared to wait a few extra minutes in the customs line when you enter the USA because of your record- as well as being scrutinized in background checks for future employment.)

Meanwhile, you can both be free of each other for 14 years.

That you've willing to take a gamble with your future, spend your money, and invest your time and energy in trying to control the outcome of what other people think- means something.  You might learn, after all this is done, that you couldn't control what other people think... .and your efforts were wasted. Now, you're right back where you started, only paying for it with a thousand reminders in the future of a missed opportunity that spurned a bad decision. But it *is* your decision. Good luck.

[once removed]

can't touch the legal stuff.

only speculation, but if you're trying to figure out her intentions with the 6 month thing, sure, it sounds to me like she wants to make things a bit less serious than going to court, but still wants to, i don't know, punish you, control the situation, create SOME stipulation where for whatever reason you're the crazy guy that needs to stay away from her. again, it's speculation, but that's what it sounds like to me.

[BillP]

From a personal staNPDoint, I definitely need to make all of this go away. The key thing is, how/if this does affect my standing working for the government, and my credibility towards things as say: buying a house, getting a loan, etc... .So I am looking to both my lawyer, and the security/legal dept. for the company I work for, for that information.

What I was trying to understand is that, 2 weeks ago, her lawyer wanted to dismaiss everything. Now, she wants a stipulation. I am just trying to understand better the illness itself as to the actual thought process. Let's say, after 6 months of n/c, does that mean she wants to maybe talk to me. Again, I'm trying to understand the illness and the thought process.

For the record, I am going to agree to the stipulation only if 2 conditions are met. 1. she must never make contact with me in any way, shape or form. 2. She must state in writing that she will work with the sheriff's department to dismiss the criminal charges. If these conditions aren't met, then as far as I'm concerned, we go to trial.

[Skip]

For the record, I am going to agree to the stipulation only if 2 conditions are met. 1. she must never make contact with me in any way, shape or form. 2. She must state in writing that she will work with the sheriff's department to dismiss the criminal charges. If these conditions aren't met, then as far as I'm concerned, we go to trial.

We don't have a record, Bill 

She proabaly realizes that it is not worth spending the money on this fight.  She may want the 6 months just so that she feels she won... .which is why you want your stipulation #1. 

I think you just have to ask yourself how much you are willing to pay in legal fees to have this moral victory?

From a legal point of view, there is not a lot you can do with respect to her influencing the DV charges.  If they subpoena her, she will need to testify and tell the truth.

[BillP]

Skip, I firmly believe that she has done all of this solely for her own selfish needs. None of this has anything to do with me per se. Just my opinion of course. And it's not about getting a moral victory. I need this to all go away for my career and my standing with the government. That's the main reason for me to continue this battle.

As far as the DV charges g, my attorney has stated that, if she wants it to be dismissed, more likely than not, the court will grant her wish. Besides, the judges don't want to update this case every month for the next 14 years.

I am just a curious soul looking to understand the rationization of her illness. Some have told me she is painting me white. Man, I look so good in Black, I hope this isn't true.

I know, not real funny, but I'm trying to use humor to eleviate some of the stress this situation has been for me. Sorry. 

[Skip]

As far as the DV charges g, my attorney has stated that, if she wants it to be dismissed, more likely than not, the court will grant her wish. Besides, the judges don't want to update this case every month for the next 14 years.

If that is the case - one possibility is to make the settlement contingent on the dismissal and ask for a continuance on the civil trial.  Not sur eif that works in your area.

[HardDaysNight]

BillP, have you thought of this.

She is not painting you white.  Her lawyer likely saw the BS in this case, told her how much it would cost to keep going and then our wife balked.  At that moment her lawyer suggested they just drop it and your wife agreed.  Now your wife does not feel like she is in control so she has this stipulation hoop she wants youand her lawyer to jump through.  Her lawyer probably thinks it is BS, but fairly harmless and acceptable to you.  Anyway, the lawyer has to represent the client and offer it.

Your lawyer should be able to give you the best advice on how dropping this case will affect your future.  There are various forms of dismissal such as with or without prejudice to future action.  I'd be more worried if she asked you to admit something.

I think you are right to be suspicious though.  Your lawyer should help you with strategy.  I'd suggest you see the complete settlement she is propopsing in writing and not agree to anything until it can be a done deal.  My fear would be in negotiation there is agreement (even if non-binding) to this and then she has another thing she wants.  Have your lawyer set it up so this is the total package (if it makes sense to agree) of the agreement, e.g., she signs first then you sign and/or you get her to agree in front of the judge this is the total package.

[BillP]

Skip, I like the idea of making it contingent upon the dv case being completely dismissed. I will bring that up to my lawyer. As far as the civil case goes, she knows nothing about it. And I have to wait for both cases are dismissed by her. Then, I can file the civil case.

Hard - From what the sheriff told my lawyer, she was all gung-ho to persue the criminal case. That is, until she found out I got a lawyer. Her lawyer is one of those freebie lawyers.  You may be right thought, her lawyer may have said, there's nothing here that she could prove, and advised her to make it go away.

But I think she's maybe come to the realization that she may have some control over me, but not my lawyer. I have informed of the many types of dismissals there are. I have flatly refused to even consider taking any of them. Again, this goes back to my position working for the government. It may not get my fired from this job. But down the road, it could most definitely cost me.

I will not be signing anything that is not in my benefit. I don't give a damn what she wants. Her days of lying to me, or about me, and the manipulating... .are over! Also, talking to several women who are either in the mental health field, or who have lived with someone with an illness like this agree. You cannot let her get away with this. Mentally ill or not, she has to be held accountable for making flase allegations about me, and putting me in a real tough spot with my job. I welcome all thoughts on this.

[ItsAboutTime]

There's been many times in the past five months that a restraining order would have worked towards my own benefit. If I'd been legally restrained from breaking no contact with my xBPDbf I would have been much better off.

[BillP]

And where does the relationship stand now?

Just so you know, federal states that there's only 2 types of restraining orders issued now. 7 or 14 years. That is, unless it gets dismissed altogether.

Trust me, you don't want to get one. I wish you all the best.