What was YOUR redflag you noticed on the first date?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not sure if a post like has been posted before but here it goes! What was YOUR first   you noticed on the first date with your ex pwBPD?

mine was the following things she did or say:

1: Im a very sexual person

2: In my previous relationships I used sex so I didnt need to bond with them

3: I always joked about sex with my ex

4: (having sex after dating only 2 weeks)

5: I'm bisexual

and thats about it for now.

[sb.kim87]

I'm not sure if a post like has been posted before but here it goes! What was YOUR first   you noticed on the first date with your ex pwBPD?

mine was the following things she did or say:

1: Im a very sexual person

2: In my previous relationships I used sex so I didnt need to bond with them

3: I always joked about sex with my ex

4: (having sex after dating only 2 weeks)

5: I'm bisexual

and thats about it for now.

[Bluepanda]

The date was at her house, She was already half drunk when i got there and within 10 minutes she was all over me and we were having sex about 30 minute's after that.

I didn't think it was a red flag at the time and couldn't believe my luck but alarm bells are ringing now

[winandcover]

I'm not trying to be glib, but I didn't notice any red flags.  If I saw them as being red flags at the time, I definitely wouldn't have stuck around for as long as I did.  I will say one thing, however, during our first few conversations, I couldn't believe how open she was with me.  Back then, I thought it was because she felt such a strong connection with me and felt as though she could trust me with the most intimate details of her life.  I thought I was lucky.  Not so much anymore - LOL.

I'm not sure if a post like has been posted before but here it goes! What was YOUR first   you noticed on the first date with your ex pwBPD?

mine was the following things she did or say:

1: Im a very sexual person

2: In my previous relationships I used sex so I didnt need to bond with them

3: I always joked about sex with my ex

4: (having sex after dating only 2 weeks)

5: I'm bisexual

and thats about it for now.

[sb.kim87]

I'm not trying to be glib, but I didn't notice any red flags.  If I saw them as being red flags at the time, I definitely wouldn't have stuck around for as long as I did.  I will say one thing, however, during our first few conversations, I couldn't believe how open she was with me.  Back then, I thought it was because she felt such a strong connection with me and felt as though she could trust me with the most intimate details of her life.  I thought I was lucky.  Not so much anymore - LOL.

I'm not sure if a post like has been posted before but here it goes! What was YOUR first   you noticed on the first date with your ex pwBPD?

mine was the following things she did or say:

1: Im a very sexual person

2: In my previous relationships I used sex so I didnt need to bond with them

3: I always joked about sex with my ex

4: (having sex after dating only 2 weeks)

5: I'm bisexual

and thats about it for now.

Same here!

[Im done]

I will say one thing, however, during our first few conversations, I couldn't believe how open she was with me.  Back then, I thought it was because she felt such a strong connection with me and felt as though she could trust me with the most intimate details of her life. 

Me too.  Also, the sexual innuendos and the random touches on the first date, then sex on the second.    Thought it was too good to be true ( ) that I found this person I just clicked with so immediately.  Felt like I'd known him all my life. 

[iceman10]

I didn't notice any red flags for the first two months. Yes, sex very soon but that wasn't a red flag. It has happened before with not disordered women. After two month she reacted strange with a minor rage when I told her I was invited to some friends for a dinner (we had a LDR). My exBPDgf was probably projecting. For the first four months she was getting a lot of phone calls she didn't answer. She told me it was her previous man who where stalking her and I believed her but now I think it was a secret lover. But I'm not sure.

[truly amazed]

Red flags ... .

We all wish we saw them.

She turned up drunk at my place at 11 pm. Talked about intimate details of her life. Red flag was ... .it was about her ! All about her.

She warned she was not there for sex ... .it took about a week.

Red flag was explaining how she was in an abusive RS with her ex ... .but stuck for 14 years. It was not possible ... .given what I just went thru in a mere 30 months.

Too much sex talk off the bat ... .too little real detail of her first and second husband despite totally intimate details ... .

Bottom line she talked about things and events ... .very personal but not feelings other than hatered for her second husband.

So many red flags came up over the coming 12 months and I ignored or minimized them all. Trying to save the world ... .convinced she was in need of love and love overcomes all ! Eventually convinced as she told me the problems with the RS were mine all mine. Hoping she would calm down ... .

Oh well ... .we are here now   

[2010]

This article by Roger Melton sums it up nicely, (just change the gender to female- it still applies)

"At first, a Borderline male may appear shy, vulnerable or "ambivalently in need of care." This is the first clue: beware of men who feel like lost puppies. If you experience an urge to take him home and feed him, don't- especially if you are in an emotionally needy state.

In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion for whatever painful plight he has gotten himself into, because he is a master at portraying himself as the "victim of circumstance." But listen closely to how he sees himself as a victim. As his peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands him - except you. Other people have always left him because of their "insensitivity." He is always being betrayed, just when he starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really know me.

It is this intense way he has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored - almost worshiped. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because every conversation is so intense, and his attention is so focused on you. But if you're paying attention, you will feel his adoration by the third date, or sooner.

Here is a man who may look like a dream come true. He not only seems to make you the center of his attention, but he even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. If you have never experienced a man treating you like this before, it can seem like you have really found your heart's desire. But like anything that seems too good to be true, it usually is... ."

www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart5

[Why Why Why]

Three were lots of red flags which I now know I should not have ignored.

She wanted to pick me up at my house, which I thought was nice.  I'm aware now that she almost always picks up the guy or drives.  She's definitely a bigtime controller.

We went to a restaurant of her choosing and she spent 75% of the time talking to two guys at a table beside us.  They were clearly hitting on her and I politely and nicely tried to get her to disengage them.  I don't think she was even aware she was on a first date with me or that I even existed to be honest.  Shortly after that, I decided it was time to go and end the date, which she couldn't figure out why!

As she drove me back home I told her why I thought the date didn't go well and we started arguing!  She never apologized for her rudeness and actually blamed me.  The argument became heated and I felt bad, so we went for a coffee.

As we're sitting in her car drinking coffee, she started telling me about her horrible childhood and how she was raped as a teenager, tears and all.  Suffice to say, that sob story got me hooked and 4 yrs later here I am... .heartache, abused, and a broken man.

[beyondbelief]

I don't see early sex as a red flag.  Thankfully it happens with people without PDs.

First red flag probably happened after a couple of months.  I was given the silent treatment for something I said that was pretty tame.  She justified it by saying she was more sensitive than most people.  I apologized and she was ok after an hour or so.

[harlemgurl]

My borderline ex seemed very spiritually intuned... .almost like he could read my mind. Turns out his spiritual attuned-ness comes from his accumulated predatory experience of driving through women like McDonald's churns out french fries.

I'll never trust someone who pretends to know "me" so well in the first week. He was totally conniving and manipulative.

[Im done]

Turns out his spiritual attuned-ness comes from his accumulated predatory experience of driving through women like McDonald's churns out french fries.

[whitedoe]

On our very first date, 14Feb2009 he suggested that we have dinner at a lovely French restaurant in Manhattan. Everything was wonderful.  And although I found him to be quite unattractive physically, he was so seemingly "down to earth, so kind, brilliant and interesting... .I really liked this man... .He won my heart... .

But, the "red flag" in that moment, one that I "did not" see was that he wanted me to pay half the bill... .Mind you, this place was way over my budget and his recommendation, suggestion in wanting to meet me. It seems a bit "off" to me for our first date... .This man was a very wealthy lawyer... .And maybe I'm a little "old fashioned" but it seems to me that when a man asks you out for dinner, he should be willing to pay and not embarrass me by asking for my credit card? I am "off" here?

Fast forward, this man bled me dry financially. He "took" and "took" from me but never replenished... .He had a way of "fumbling" when it came time to pay at a restaurant, a store checkout, at the gas pump or a $ toll going over a NYC bridge? He walked out of a $300 restaurant tab once with my family - never even offered to pay the tip? This was the very first time he met my family and they were absolutely outraged by his behavior... He seemed "clueless"... .he never gave it a thought? I let it go... .as I always did... .but I "hurt" inside when he did this... .

I used to feel so "confused" by this behavior and made excuses but there simply was no excuse for an extremely wealthy 54 year old man to be so inconsiderate, so selfish, so narcissistic? I didn't know about BPD/NPD until I was dumped by him... .Know all these strange behaviors are starting to "make sense"... .well, as much as one can make sense out of BPD and NPD... .Aghh... .Why did I love him so much... .and God knows how much I truly did... .

[whitedoe]

This article by Roger Melton sums it up nicely, (just change the gender to female- it still applies)

"At first, a Borderline male may appear shy, vulnerable or "ambivalently in need of care." This is the first clue: beware of men who feel like lost puppies. If you experience an urge to take him home and feed him, don't- especially if you are in an emotionally needy state.

In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion for whatever painful plight he has gotten himself into, because he is a master at portraying himself as the "victim of circumstance." But listen closely to how he sees himself as a victim. As his peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands him - except you. Other people have always left him because of their "insensitivity." He is always being betrayed, just when he starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really know me.

It is this intense way he has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored - almost worshiped. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because every conversation is so intense, and his attention is so focused on you. But if you're paying attention, you will feel his adoration by the third date, or sooner.

Here is a man who may look like a dream come true. He not only seems to make you the center of his attention, but he even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. If you have never experienced a man treating you like this before, it can seem like you have really found your heart's desire. But like anything that seems too good to be true, it usually is... ."

www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart5

OMG- this is exactly how I felt... .it is "my story" here... .Aghhh... .

[2010]

Whitedoe,

"The intensity of his erotic passion can sweep you away like a strange destiny on the blue sea of august, but his motive for lusting upon you is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of his disorder. Intensity is his trump-card. But the other side of him is driven by an equally concentrated need to control you. The sexual pyrotechnics, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Sex will be like a rocket ride on the Oblivion Express. Anyone who can be so instinctually tuned in to reading your needs and manipulating them can also pinpoint your g-spot with the fine-tuned skill of a Swiss jeweler cleaving a diamond. It will seem wonderful - for a while.  And, after a while, too much of a good thing might actually be too much, to the point where you feel like buying an arc-welding kit and forging your own cast-iron chastity belt.

Particularly sensitive and adept therapists often describe a typically paradoxical reaction, commonly experienced by most people when first meeting someone who is Borderline. While feeling gently or tenderly drawn toward him, there is simultaneously an almost inconspicuous sensation of a vague knot in the pit of the stomach. A more general description might be that a person feels that he or she too quickly likes someone and feels a faint sense of unease or dread toward him at the same time.

If you experience such mixed sensations when first meeting anyone, ask yourself why you simultaneously liked him so quickly and felt uncomfortable. If it's difficult to answer either question, put your radar system on high alert and scan closely the next time you meet him.

Without the presence of other personality disorders, someone who is Borderline tends to rapidly move toward developing a dependent relationship with those who show them interest and sympathy. An early sign of this dependency can be recognized by a rapid increase in contact, initiated by the Borderline, and a sense that such an individual has an uncanny ability to read you better than a blind man reads Braille.

Even though you can develop a very sophisticated form of personality-detection radar, it will never be as subtle or fine-tuned as a Borderline's. They have what seem like high-grade, instinctually built-in personality detection systems, comparable to extremely sophisticated phased-array radar systems used in the military for detecting high-speed, small ballistic projectiles, like the cruise missiles used to attack Iraq during the Gulf War.

This system appears to be purely instinctual in Borderlines, because they do not seem conscious of its presence or the information it gives to them, even when this ability is pointed out to them. Generally, this eerily unconscious quality seems to pervade everything about them. In a very basic sense, they do not know who they are. This is one of the most unnerving aspects about them for people who get too close.

If you ask a normal person on January 1st to describe themselves, he or she can give a fairly detailed description of what they think, feel and believe about the things that are important to them in life. Ask the same question, six months or a year later, and you will get almost the same answers. But if you ask a Borderline that question at noon today, the answer may be completely different by dusk, and will possess an indistinct, blurry quality, as if someone is drawing a picture of himself in mud. Or, depending on whom they are with, they may give two completely different pictures of themselves to two different people, ten minutes apart.

In mental hospitals, these are the patients who generate intense conflicts between staff members, unless those members understand what they are dealing with. One psychiatrist diagnoses him as schizophrenic, another labels him manic-depressive and a third believes he is a hypochondriac. A family therapist thinks he just has a "boundary problem," a psychiatric nurse thinks he's only neurotic, the vocational rehabilitation counselor admires his creative potential and a psychiatric aide thinks he's full of sht. The only people who know his true identity are the other patients. To them he is the master chameleon who can change his psychological appearance on a dime. He is the fox who fools the hunters. But who'll listen to their fears about this? They're not "professionally licensed."

What can be especially disturbing to others about this chameleon-like "change-ability" is that Borderlines are oblivious to what they are doing. They are not consciously making-up these different identity versions of themselves. They just do it reflexively, as if they run on some instinctually eerie automatic-pilot.

Many psychological theories exist to explain this eerie process in a Borderline - from theories on "object relations" to "dissociation." But staying around a borderline Controller long enough to discover the cause of his strange attitudes and behaviors increases the probability of becoming his victim. Hesitation allows time for him to develop an attachment. Be prepared for a nightmare journey. You're in for an emotionally blistering E-Ticket ride in Relationship Jurassic Park." ~ Roger Melton

[once removed]

i found that article relevant and helpful as well. thank you for posting it.

red flags? most of the same ones already listed. we "met" through a mutual friend, so most of the red flags for me came before we met, and long before we were together. and they came quickly. and they occurred during the beginning of our relationship as well. so many things about that article hit home or gave me flashbacks, especially when it comes to her explanations of why shed been attracted to me in the first place.

the point is, i had every indication even before i was in it, that this atleast had the potential to be a nightmare relationship. i just thought i was strong enough now that i would run if it got there. spot the holes in that sentence  

[mitti]

The first  , although I never really considered it a   at the time was the fact that he already on the first date divulged some very private and sensitive things from his past. He also a couple of times asked me something about me only to change it over to himself in the next breath.

[sb.kim87]

The first  , although I never really considered it a   at the time was the fact that he already on the first date divulged some very private and sensitive things from his past. He also a couple of times asked me something about me only to change it over to himself in the next breath.

HEY mitti! good to see you again! (not sure if you remember me, I use to post on the staying board)  Hi! did he also break it off?  :'(

[mitti]

HEY mitti! good to see you again! (not sure if you remember me, I use to post on the staying board)  Hi! did he also break it off?  :'(

Of course, I remember you  Hi! Well, not in a manner of speaking. I finally got tired of his game re my things and so I went over to his to get it and we ended up having a row. It was pretty nasty. I just couldn't keep the lid on anymore after his silent treatment for the past (almost) 4 months and so it went from bad to worse. He says we are done, of course he has said that before and not meant it, but there are other things to it this time.

I shall probably post something here later, because I feel I am now moving to this board for good although I have posted here before from time to time.

[sb.kim87]

HEY mitti! good to see you again! (not sure if you remember me, I use to post on the staying board)  Hi! did he also break it off?  :'(

Of course, I remember you  Hi! Well, not in a manner of speaking. I finally got tired of his game re my things and so I went over to his to get it and we ended up having a row. It was pretty nasty. I just couldn't keep the lid on anymore after his silent treatment for the past (almost) 4 months and so it went from bad to worse. He says we are done, of course he has said that before and not meant it, but there are other things to it this time.

I shall probably post something here later, because I feel I am now moving to this board for good although I have posted here before from time to time.

sorry to hear that mitti    dont worry, the break up is THE BEST thing that EVER happend in the whole darn relationship!

[mitti]

sorry to hear that mitti    dont worry, the break up is THE BEST thing that EVER happend in the whole darn relationship!

Well, I am a bit older, I was single for many years before meeting him and he was the love of my life  :'(

[Worndowndad]

It was definately too much personal information for a first date.  Which is pretty common with BPD's, and this post sort of proves that. 

After that it was her asking to move in with me in after a month 

[HardDaysNight]

I don't recall any red flags until several months into dating.  Here is the first one which I should have taken seriously at the time, but I thought it is just a TV show so why bother. Instead we just switched shows we watched.  I posted this recently on another thread so I'll just cut and paste.

Example, I once said over a weekend date that we always watch your show, the tabloidy news show, Inside Edition right after the news, every night and I would like to watch a show I prefer once in a while.  I was screamed at, called names and this was vehemently denied and I was lieing and making things up.  My mistake?  The actual show was Access Hollywood, and we did watch it everynight and it was right after the news. 

That should have been a red flag, not just the deliberate obtusness of not realizing I had confused the show names, nor the blatant disregard of where I was coming from, but the vicious personal attack and complete disregard that I might have any TV watching preferences worth considering.  Did I mention this was back when I was the only one with a TV?

[eldrinfein]

My red flag on the first date was that she asked if I would marry her   then she told me(while we were passing by a clothes shop) that she would not mind going inside with my credit card ... :D.

And yes I had the sexual innuendos and little details about her relationship as well... .

[whitedoe]

Whitedoe,

In a very basic sense, they do not know who they are. This is one of the most unnerving aspects about them for people who get too close.

When my exBPD/NPD dumped me, he was "all over the place". He came into my house immediately blurting out the news that he wanted "out" of our r/s and that he needed to date other women... .He then clung to me telling me that this was all so paradoxical because he truly loved me, craved me... .He then wanted to make love with me... .Aghhh?

I felt so utterly shocked, confused, devastated. I asked him what he needed? Was it more time? What in the world had happened to make him just "snap" and discard our 2 year r/s. We honestly hadn't had any "big" issue or argument that amounted to anything... .not ever? We had plans to take a winter vacation together that following week? We had no "issues"... .or so that was what I thought?

After we made love (my insanity, I realize now) I was stroking his hair as I often did and I asked him again, what do you need from me? He replied "that"... .I need "that" from you... .He was referring to my stroking his hair... .He seemed like a "little boy" in that moment, so contented by my running my fingers through his hair... .He then said to me these words that I couldn't understand in that moment... ."I don't who I am, I don't know myself... .I don't know why I'm doing this... .but I know I have to end this (r/s)... .I  hope I'm not making the mistake of my life... ."... . He then sobbed and shook like a baby while I stroked his hair for some time further... .His eyes were glazed (those "BPD eyes"and I felt as though his emotional intensity and my horrific pain would literally suck the very life out of me in that moment. I would have done anything in the world for this man that I loved so very much... .I honestly felt that I had never loved a man as I did him... .But I was completely devastated and confused beyond anything I'd ever experienced before... .It was as though he was having some sort of "breakdown" before my eyes... .He "clung" to me, not wanting to let go of me but yet, he wanted "out"? I am now "out of sight" and completely out of his heart and mind... .Aghh... . 

OMG, the pain of that weekend, 14Feb2011... .and the pain of abandonment out of no where... .

[sb.kim87]

I don't recall any red flags until several months into dating.  Here is the first one which I should have taken seriously at the time, but I thought it is just a TV show so why bother. Instead we just switched shows we watched.  I posted this recently on another thread so I'll just cut and paste.

Example, I once said over a weekend date that we always watch your show, the tabloidy news show, Inside Edition right after the news, every night and I would like to watch a show I prefer once in a while.  I was screamed at, called names and this was vehemently denied and I was lieing and making things up.  My mistake?  The actual show was Access Hollywood, and we did watch it everynight and it was right after the news. 

That should have been a red flag, not just the deliberate obtusness of not realizing I had confused the show names, nor the blatant disregard of where I was coming from, but the vicious personal attack and complete disregard that I might have any TV watching preferences worth considering.  Did I mention this was back when I was the only one with a TV?

Hmm coming to think of it I also didnt notice any major flags until a few months later when she had a lot of abandonment issues.  I believe it was around 2 months of dating and we had a fight and asked her that I just needed some time to think things through. All of the sudden she started crying and telling me not to leave her. And this ladies and gentlemen should have been a major