1.5 Years-Recognized a Cycle could not identify it

[Marty Moyer]

Hi like to introuduce myself, my name is Marty and me and my BPDer ended it last weekend. I had caught her in a lie and she had gone out with someone else. Her reaction end it before I would.

She was always on me about cheating, looking at other women, not being totally into her like I was for the first three months of our relationship. I was loyal from the first moment with her, never fantasized about another women, and most of my life revolved around her and trying to eliminate everything that increased her paranoia.

She is a beautiful woman very fit, easily a 9 out of ten, some people refer to her as barbie. She sleeps in her make up and very seldomly would allow me to see her without it. She comes across as very sweet and self assured to the outside world, but man is that one big act once she is home.

The slow erosion of myself if what I find amazing. I cannot believe some of the things I actually agreed that were my fault. I then proceeded to stop doing anything she was blaming me for, and that is when the cycles actually got worse. She never hit me, but she would get into my face and scream and provoke a fight, something I am not at all into. I do not like to yell but my self yelling because that was the only way it seemed to reach her. Now I think she was just happy that she could envoke that negative feeling she endures on a daily basis towards me.

This has been a hard week, with eating sleeping, even crying. Saw a therapist, got the Stop walkingon Egg Shell book and I can say today if the first time I have not been overwhelmed, no tears. Anger remains but I do know that there is no chance for any healthy relationship with her, even if she admits she has a problem and seeks help.

Marty Moyer

[Sade]

Marty,

Like many others on this board I know where you are coming from. It takes a while to recognise there is a cycle or pattern to what's going on.

In the early days if my relationship I too would be told things I said and did caused my ex to feel the way I did and, like you, tried to change things. Only after a while did I realise everything I did was wrong!  I had heard of BPD but didn't know enough about it to recognise it was probably what was going on with my partner.  So don't blame yourself. There are many posters here at BPD family who are intelligent, self assured and successful who were also 'sucked in'.

Unlike many of those with BPD ( who are always the victim) many of us nons are people who take responsibility for ourselves and our actions and are willing to make changes. In most areas of our lives these are healthy and empowering behaviours. Throughout your life you have probably reaped the rewards of being adaptable, open to new ideas and self reflective. That's why you made the changes you did in the relationship, you were accustomed to the notion that that was a healthy and adult way to be. If our BPD partners were capable of making these changes in their own behaviours and outlook they wouldn't be disordered in the first place.

In a nutshell a relationship with a person with BPD involves getting a whole pile of cr*p and hassle in your life and then being blamed for it.

[Marty Moyer]

Sade,

You know she drives by my work, she doesn't have to, she just does and I do not understand it. Maybe it gives her satisfaction that I stand up to look at her drive by. I refuse to contact her, she has sent me two emails and instead of responding I post them on my facebook page to make people aware of subtle manipulation.

This relationship ending has really touched me like no other, maybe because the relationship has as well. Maybe the best explanation is that it tries to suck you back in like a whirlpool, you know it isn't healthy but it is strong enough to entice you more than anything you have in your life right now.

I've said it all week, WOWZA, this packs one serious punch almost to the root of who I am.

Marty

[Sade]

Each person with BPD is different and each relationship is different but if you look around the boards here you will notice similar patterns and many suggestions to help you deal with them.

In my experience the cycles did get worse and did eventually lead to violence. The more I coped with the harder my ex had to push to get a reaction out of me. And now the relationship is over guess who he blames? Me.

I don't know why your ex is doing the things she is doing but you may need to start looking of ways to protect yourself. Once the gloves are off with these people the gloves are really off!  You are a free agent and able to do whatever you wish but... .I would seriously reconsider posting  her communications on your Facebook page.

[Marty Moyer]

Sade,

I guess I never really looked at it from ultra violent. Yes she gets rage, big rage and right in face. I don't think she could truly handle seeing me, she may drive by without need, just not sure what that is about.

About the postings on facebook, I removed her name and was looking at them as terms of what a BPD was trying to say in them.

Marty

[2010]

she has sent me two emails and instead of responding I post them on my facebook page to make people aware of subtle manipulation.

Borderline personality disorder is a persecution complex that stems from the failure to separate/individuate in childhood. The Borderline child thinks of herself as a scapegoat and painfully represses the rage she feels for failure to launch separate and apart from her parent and into full responsibility for herself.  She can only provide the outer appearance of being perfect, but inside she feels empty.

Now, what do you think about publishing her "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" on a public (not private) forum for all your friends to get involved in and discuss as shameful? Especially after she's cultivated such a perfect outer appearance (as you say, a Barbie) for her false self? Wouldn't this cause her rage and undermine any personal responsibility for her actions by projecting blame?

Posting the private conversations just makes you appear as the persecutor that she fears you really are- and that's what Borderline personality is all about. 

[AlexDP]

she has sent me two emails and instead of responding I post them on my facebook page to make people aware of subtle manipulation.

Borderline personality disorder is a persecution complex that stems from the failure to separate/individuate in childhood. The Borderline child thinks of herself as a scapegoat and painfully represses the rage she feels for failure to launch separate and apart from her parent and into full responsibility for herself.  She can only provide the outer appearance of being perfect, but inside she feels empty.

Now, what do you think about publishing her "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" on a public (not private) forum for all your friends to get involved in and discuss as shameful? Especially after she's cultivated such a perfect outer appearance (as you say, a Barbie) for her false self? Wouldn't this cause her rage and undermine any personal responsibility for her actions by projecting blame?

Posting the private conversations just makes you appear as the persecutor that she fears you really are- and that's what Borderline personality is all about. 

It also really hurts a mentally ill person and all it does is try and get another reaction out of her. Why?

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Her reaction end it before I would.

That is the well recognised reject before being rejected.   

This is an emotionally difficult time for you>> Hang in there

What you are feeling right now is entirely normal:


Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

I would like you to know things can and will get better 

Believing in yourself

Be kind to yourself

[Sade]

The advice above is WAY more articulate than mine so take it on board.

My advice was given from the position of someone who has been the victim of what is called a 'distortion campaign'.  My ex, when he realised I wasn't coming back,he set about trying to destroy my reputation. You will find that your friends and family will disregard anything your ex says because they know you. However - don't underestimate how nasty your ex will be. When my ex found he was alienating himself by trying to put me down to people who knew me better he started using solicitors and courts. Desperate for validation. If things get to this you need to behave whiter than White. Really. How would a lawyer see those Facebook posts? They would see them as cruel. Look after yourself.

[Marty Moyer]

Well one I'm not saying my actions to post her emails were altruistic. Please keep in mind, I've been cheated on manipulated etc, so yes I lash out.

My thought process is she is very secretive, and if others knew of her manipulation and I broke that code she would not attempt further contact.

Not everyone turns the other cheek, and I never mentioned her name, I just posted her emails. Did I get a reaction yes I did, have I endured enough yes I have.

The higher road is not always the right one for everyone to cope, that is for sure.

As to the courts, like I said her name was never mentioned.

Marty

[once removed]

marty,

hang in there. we do all know what you're going through. and MJJ is right, this is going to be a very difficult time.

it's no surprise this relationship would touch you more than others. kind of feels like she's your enemy now, right? very difficult to reconcile. what i would suggest to you is that just being in a relationship with a borderline is trauma.

we (i) understand why you would lash out, and why you would want to. the point isn't really the high road here. she has a disorder. it is not about you. the power you have is to examine yourself now, some of which you're already doing. the things that got you into this relationship, and kept you there. you have the power to heal, she does not. you'll find over time that you're able to depersonalize her actions as those of a disordered person. it is not easy at first. no one is telling you not to be angry. anger is a necessary part of the process. we're all angry. we're angry for you. but lashing out will not help you or your healing. this is about you now.

[Marty Moyer]

Lucky

Thank you for putting that in perspective, I see what you mean.

I guess sometimes I feel my sympathy/empathy is all gone and I get very ambivalent.

But I am also a caregiver and need to understand that I need to take what done personally out of it and understand she is in constant pain without the ability to self reflect.

Marty

[m772001]

Lay low and don't do anything that could possibly give her reason to react. I wouldn't post anything in a public forum, even if the breakup was with a non-BPD partner, but that's just MHO.

[OTH]

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

It really sucks. It really hurts. You want to defend yourself. You want to lash out. It is the instinctual thing to do right now. Try to compose yourself. Try to take the high road. She is showing you the full extent of who she really is. There is no mask anymore. This is her. False rape charges. False Abuse charges. Turning your mutual friends against you. It is all common stuff on these boards. You don't need that. You need to put this relationship behind you and move on with your life. You need to really believe that. If you believe it... .you need to act on that belief. Read the article above. Follow the advice. End it with as little drama as possible. It is the road map to a better future for you. 

[once removed]

marty,

i think there's a healthy mix. for me, i was getting her out of perspective, longing for an illusion. i don't even mean that in the sense of "oh, all she ever was was an illusion", i mean my mind has been playing tricks on itself lately, projecting all these images and ideas of her new life, and putting her on a pedestal. i believe i was cheated on as well marty. which before, would have been impossible for me to imagine. i put up with a nightmare for 3 years, and i got pretty screwed by someone i honestly believed (and i guess even still do to some extent) that she appreciated me and what i went through. when i first learned about BPD, a lot of my anger went out the window. for me it clicked really quickly, and i depersonalized a lot. maybe a little too early? i don't know if the cheating ever really hit me, because i don't have indisputable proof. when she jumped in her new relationship and made a huge show of it, i was very close to firing off an email or something telling her what a complete waste of time our relationship was, that i never loved her, that i saw through everything, that she was a liar, etc. if anything all it would have done was feed her, and it would have been ignored.

here's a bit of advice, and i've read this from a borderlines own mouth. the best revenge, the best weapon, is silence and indifference, and turning around and getting your healthy life back. it drives the borderline CRAZY. that said, that is not why it should be done. it should be done because it's truly the best method to get YOU back. because you're dealing with a disorder, against which you are powerless. now, you've already lashed out. that's okay. a lot of us have. i got in a little punch at the very end, that im still pretty proud of and have no regret for. it was classy enough. but now the only thing you and i can do is work on ourselves. we need it. we need it because of what we've been through, and we needed it before then, or we wouldn't have gotten ourselves into/gone through with what we went through.

i feel for you. i was completely and totally isolated by her, and after her. i went through crying spells. terrible terrible loneliness and isolation. on top of it, (im about 3 and a half months out) im JUST now getting my sleeping schedule back to normal. i've been living basically midnight to noon, and it was horrible, the air of unreality. hardly, if at all, functioning. so you're doing great. therapy will be a huge help. reading and posting will as well. at first it's kind of like all this reading and posting is a retreat, and that's okay. right now you've got to do what you have to do to survive, and if that's all you can do, that's more than okay. i want to stress as the resource articles say, you are NOT just having a hard time with a breakup. this is a real and profound trauma. if you didn't know what you were going through, and weren't prepared to do the proper healing work, you'd be amazed what you could be set up for. i maintained dreams of a 3 month relationship with a borderline for 6 years, long after being over her. it will penetrate you like a virus, and it will work its way into your future attachments (friendships and relationships) and set you up for all kinds of patterns, like enterting future relationships with a victim mindset without even realizing it. this makes you susceptible to more borderlines, or personality disordered people. the wounds the relationship inflicts can and often do penetrate as far back as your child hood. people around here have symptoms of PTSD.

now think about what you said about all the shouting and yelling you did, that you didn't normally do. i only know two people in the world who can make me react that way, and push my buttons to the point of destructive behavior. in this relationship i punched a hole in a wall, screamed, said horrible things i regret, took a hammer to some cds, looked like an absolute mad man outside her apartment threatening to punch her car in, and was driven to the point of ripping my hair out. i take responsibility for all, but that wasn't me. i try to laugh now. you were pushed to the point of crazy. you're human. but that wasn't me, and it wasn't you, and we shouldn't have been doing that to ourselves or allowing it to be done to us.

when you feel that need to lash out, if you find your perspective unbalanced, recognize it, then work through it. for me, i needed to vent and realize and remember, honestly, how little i could stand this person during the relationship. it helped me tremendously, to obsess about her and what she's up to less, and go back to a shake my head kind of attitude toward my relationship. i wrote down all the things i could think of that disgusted me, or turned me off, whatever i could to conjure up the the sense of detachment i actually felt throughout the relationship. thats what i needed. you can try that. and if you in fact have too much of that, then do the opposite. try to recall how powerless she is over her own disorder. learn about the disorder, think about her pain, know that her actions weren't conscious, that applying logic, rationatle, and normal human responsibility are kind of futile here. she didn't set out to hurt you. her disorder caused her to "survive" the only way it knows how. it's sad. but again, you have the power to heal (and you will). you can only hope as much for her.