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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Thoughts about Mirroring  (Read 721 times)
Maternus
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: April 05, 2015, 08:45:10 AM »

I had a strange kind of lightbulb-moment yesterday. I was in the bathroom blow-drying my hair. My eyes were focused on the mirror in the bathroom cabinet. The cable of the hairdryer hit the mirror and the mirror began to swing slightly. I became giddy for a moment, it felt like the whole world was moving because I was totally focused on the mirror.

After that I wondered if this could be an analogy how mirroring feels for a pwBPD. In the beginning of a relationship they are totally focused on their partner, they gain there sense of self from this mirroring and they idealize their partner - they assume their partner is stable and perfect, but no human being is perfect. When the first sign of human fallibility shows up in their partner the mirror starts to swing and their whole world and their sense of self is shaken.

Does that make sense?
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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2015, 08:58:03 AM »

If the mirror would have fallen and cracked it would have made more sense.
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2015, 09:49:48 AM »

Yes, it makes sense Maternus, that's what happens when you become dependent on a reflection.  To me the difference is who you saw in the mirror and who a borderline would see; you saw a reflection, a representation of your self comprised of reflected light, a borderline would see the rest of themselves, the good part.
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Maternus
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« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2015, 10:55:05 AM »

If the mirror would have fallen and cracked it would have made more sense.

This it what happens when the relationship ends. I was wondering about the first devaluations of the mirror in the idealisation-phase. It's often described as the first crack in the mirror. A crack can be annoying, but an instability in the mounting is much more irritating, I think.

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Copperfox
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« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2015, 11:05:56 AM »

After that I wondered if this could be an analogy how mirroring feels for a pwBPD. In the beginning of a relationship they are totally focused on their partner, they gain there sense of self from this mirroring and they idealize their partner - they assume their partner is stable and perfect, but no human being is perfect. When the first sign of human fallibility shows up in their partner the mirror starts to swing and their whole world and their sense of self is shaken.

It could be that the mirror was always swinging, always unstable, from the very beginning.  It is the things in life that shimmer, that are elusive, that excite us.  That draw us near.  They have an air of mystery, which allows us to project our desires and dreams upon them.  In other words, idealization.

Seeing things in focus entails that we saw them for what they were, and they us, at least in the beginning.  But did we?
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raisins3142
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« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2015, 12:15:52 PM »

Makes sense, good analogy, thanks.

I'd think it goes along with their own shame and need for perfection to be feel lovable.  

My first BPDexgf was like that.  It was as if any imperfection in herself, me, or anyone else was like this irritant, a splinter, that needed removing before she could move on.  She cried or got upset nearly everyday I was with her.

The last BPDexgf was more of a quiet type.  I knew it was always brewing beneath the surface, but I did not know what.  In a way, that was worse.  With the first, I at least knew the issue driving her insane, with the other I was left to guess about her exact emotional state and what was causing it.  It just felt with her that I was being judged and she wanted a perfect partner.  

On her pinterest, she has idiotic memes like "book boyfriends ruin you for ones in real life".  She watches movies or reads books with these "ideal males" and falls for them and then no one in the real life that has to drop a deuce twice a day can live up to this.  How can these folks not realize how disordered they are and want to change?  Instead, they proudly proclaim their dysfunction with a take it or leave it attitude.
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