What to do...

[chrisd73]

Well, I received a text tonight that if I wanted to bring our son to see her new apartment that I could. We have been married twice and she has cheated on me both times and is seeing a new guy. I texted "no need". One song that she always referred to was "Push" by Matchbox twenty. I want to text her that my hands did love her but she pushed me around and took me for granted. I know shouldn't but it is tempting.

I also have received a message from a girl that I have always had an interesting connection with... .from the time that we first got divorced. I would not rush anything but we have always had a cool connection... .hmmm.

[chrisd73]

O.K... .I dropped off my son and she was wearing a hoodie from my work. I didn't really talk... .said I had to go. Got home... .text... ."papers". I texted "I love you too"... .a couple of back and forth's. She explained that she has bought a pink guitar and is writing country songs like crazy. That she takes pictures of animals and wears camo... .like the new guy. I was able to tell her that she cheated and she said she doesn't think that way because she left. I proceeded to tell her all the facts about her online affair with him before she left. Finally I said, I am having feelings for someone else... .thanks for the closure. Also, she said she was going to have that guy come over... .is she using him against me and for her... .maybe?

Today, I got a series of rage emails about how I better not make her out to be a bad person or this will get ugly but she knows our son enjoys being with me... .this triangulation (read definition) business is crazy... .makes no sense at all. I did back down and apologize... .just to calm her down.

[2010]

this triangulation (read definition) business is crazy... .makes no sense at all.

You're right. In the middle of this craziness, why should you recycle a previous relationship and add another triangle, involving your Son?  At this point he has no idea what's going on and it's up to you to show him that he can trust you. There are too many strangers involved in his childhood already. His Mother has her own issues, but he deserves a Father that can tolerate being alone in the interim until Mother's issues and *your dealings with her* are sorted out. If you are forced to sever ties with her it's important that you can stand alone and not bring in a rescuer in order to self medicate the pain of abandonment away.  She is always going to be your child's Mother. You must put some boundaries in place for the sake of your child's boundaries.

This is a crucial time for you and you cannot distract yourself by "having feelings for someone else." Whether or not this is true does not make it a viable boundary for your Wife. Using a third party as a human shield is your Wife's way of doing things. Don't let it be yours. Stand alone and stand proud. Take care of your Son and keep your eyes on the prize- the goal of a future life in peace and calm. Do it for your Son. 

[chrisd73]

Point taken... .I would not mention any of this to my son. The problem I see... .is that she is using this guy to try to hurt me and heal herself. Also, introducing our son to him and furthering his confusion. She is trying to keep in the wings and trying to make me feel sorry for her. and I want her to let me go.

I am not going to pursue this other woman. She lives 2 1/2 hours from me. She is just someone who I have a lot of shared interests. We have never dated.

[2010]

She is trying to keep in the wings and trying to make me feel sorry for her. and I want her to let me go.

She's not going to let you go if you keep responding with guilt. For the most part, Borderlines don't suffer from guilt, they suffer from shame.  Guilt comes to those who try to leave the craziness behind.

You need to trust letting go for now. If another Man has been brought into the drama - this person is a "transitional object" that is similar to a security blanket- in order to soothe the Borderline's feelings of abandonment from erupting due to your perceived withdrawal. Don't get hooked into the deception of the manipulative comparison that this other person can give to the Borderline what you cannot.  :)on't attack, retaliate or get into a battle with this person because they have completely separate issues of their own that haven't got anything to do with the underlying issues of your wife.

Stop enabling her by feeling sorry for her. She needs to suffer the consequences of her behavior without you rescuing her. She needs to learn from the process. You have to protect your feelings by detaching from the drama. Do not play into the triangulation (read definition). You may feel you are being wrong for not speaking up about your hurt, but realize that you are actually being healthy by not engaging in a debate with a person who refuses to hear your side.  You are now putting boundaries into place which will stop you from being wounded again.  Good luck~