The Missing Piece of the Puzzle

[Finished]

I know what happened. Of all people, my secretary figured it out.

On my ex's birthday his best friend sent him a picture of himself, butt naked with an erection. We may have been a same sex couple, but his best friend is supposedly straight, engaged and my ex is going to be the best man in the wedding.

I was shocked at the picture. I have known for years that my ex had a thing for the best friend, possibly in love with him, but never worried about it because he was straight.

I also know that my ex did/does whatever his best friend says.

When that picture arrived, I was extremely concerned. I asked if the best friends fiance knew of the picture. NO Of course not. What woman is marrying a man sending highly sexualized pictures of himself to his gay best friend?

My secretary knows my ex and pointed out that he didn't have the strength to leave me of his own free will. He had to have help. I'm sure his therapist was coaching him.

But the force behind this is the best friend. I have been so confused because we where truly doing good. Things had improved - alot. Then the picture arrived and I was dumped 7 days later.

It means that something probably happened between the ex and his friend and they are covering it up. My ex has been trying to work on nour relationtionship and fix things. I believe that. I also know that his best friend liks to cause toroublefor the sake of causing trouble.

I"m betting the best friend put pressure on  my ex to end things to cover his own tracks because he was worried his fiance would find out.


WTH do I do with this?

[MindfulJavaJoe]

WTH do I do with this?

What do you see as your options?

[diotima]

Why do you have to do anything?

Diotima

[Finished]

I don't know what my options are.

One of the reasons I'm so confused is that things had truly been getting better. Which actually made me very very nervous because I was waiting for something bad to happen. I was kinda waiting for this to happen.

However, I also know that the reason I was getting nervous was because, along with things getting better, I was also beginning to let my guard down and fall back in love with him. Which scared the crap out of me because it took us about 7 months of therapy and 18 months of work to get to this point.

Then that picture arrived. That picture is pure trouble.

His best friend, by his description, and I actually believe this likes to push people's buttons and control people. He also likes the hold he has on my ex. He may not have liked the fact that we were getting better and has been working to undermine the relationship. Unfortunately, my ex is not a strong person and is easilly swayed, especially by his best friend.

So my options? I'm truly not sure. The truth is, now that the best friend has been factored in there is a real possiblity that nothing happened between them. Or it may have been minor. Or it may have been years before we met. My ex has only seen his best friend 1 time in the 4 years we have been together so I know nothing constant was going on.

His best friend is pagan and a worshipper of Loki. If you aren't aware, Loki is the one responsible mischief and disruption of harmony and unbalancing in the universe. This is who is best friend has modeled his life after. Best friend is a mess.

My secretary pointed out to me that there had to be a third party because she knows my ex and there is no way he's strong enough to do this without prompting. I was focusing on his therapist. But the best friend makes so much more sense.

My ex will not speak to me. So I don't know what the options are. But we had worked very very hard to get where we are. If, and I truly suspect this is exactly what happened, this is a mess that is being prompted by a third party deliberately disrupting our relationship.

The truth is, despite all the hurt, I would still work on things because I do love my ex very much. But he’s gone NC with me. Yes, reverse NC. I thought it was truly over. I’ve been confused. Now, I have a piece of the puzzle that makes sense. Things actually fit together. But, I don’t really know what to do. Our friends have sided off and have no contact with eachother. He has threatened to call the police if I contact him. He’s projecting his own issues and negative behaviors onto me and has painted me black. I suspect now that this is to justify leaving because he needs to believe he has a reason. The truth is he may not have any true reason other than the pressure of this friend.

I do know that my ex said that the picture had ruined everything. It had destroyed our relationship. I watched him and he became dysregulated almost immediately after that picture appeared. He’s slipped into survival mode and, as most pwBPD do, is lashing out at the person he is most close to – me.

What do I do. I actually love him very much. I was and am committed to this relationship. He is truly a sweet loving person. He has issues. He’s the first person I’ve ever been with that I just liked being with and that has nothing to do with mirroring. I can’t help it that he has these issues. My heart didn’t decide to fall in love with someone with a mental illness.

If I have to let him go, I will. But if this is what is really happening, it’s a horrible reason to end things.

I’m not saying that he’s innocent. I’m not saying he’s a victim. I do think he’s a pawn in someone else game though.

I’m truly at a loss regarding what to do.    

[Alvino]

I don't know what my options are.

(... .)

I’m not saying that he’s innocent. I’m not saying he’s a victim. I do think he’s a pawn in someone else game though.

I’m truly at a loss regarding what to do.    

It sounds like keeping the NC and some distance are not such a bad idea. If he chose to go NC, I would respect that and use it to heal. Give yourself some breathing room to understand what you want and separate your needs from his. It doesn't sound like he's a good influence - and I'm not sure that pondering about who might be "playing him as a pawn" is helpful. At the very least it paints your ex as a victim not in charge of his own decisions, but at the mercy of manipulation by other people. I would personally also have trouble keeping the respect required for a healthy relationship if I thought my SO was just someone's pawn.

[ItsAboutTime]

I had an evil thought    Forward it to the friends fiance or post it on FB. People need to learn that when they take photos of themselves in compromising positions, (ie: Senator Anthony Weiner) that they must be prepared to face the possible consequences of such indiscreet and immoral behavior.

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Finished

Ask yourself the following questions: Be honest with yourself.

How many of the diagnostc criteria does he fullfill for BPD?

Do you have any doubts yourself about the diagnosis?

Would you say he was high or a low functioning pwBPD?

Were you truly happy with him?

Did he love you?

Do you feel loved?

What needs of yours did he satisfy?

What needs of yours did he not satisfy?

Would you say that your relationship was healthy?

What   did you see in the relationship but choose to ignore?

I would recommend that you read the following:

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

"Red Flags"/How to choose emotionally healthier partners

[BleedsOrange]

Im not trying to abase the hurt you feel, but I hope you get at least a chuckle about how his best friend is a pagan worshiper of Loki. I mean just a little one.

Just trying to cheer you up man.

In all seriousness, what is there to do but leave those lads in Asgard alone, theyre nothin but trouble. Ye must stayith NC.

[htl67]

Hi Finished,

I'm sorry if what I am going to say is hurtful, but I also learned the hard way. If your ex truly has BPD, then there are some things you are overlooking. Most pwBPD are only concerned with themselves and what they want right now. You're assuming many things... .that the best friend is really straight, that nothing happened between them prior to this, that the photo is the first of it's kind, etc... .PwBPD lie, lie, lie to get what they want. It seems hard for you to believe that he is acting of his own accord, but that's the only way they act! He may be occupied with the best friend right now, who may be fulfilling his needs, and therefore he doesn't need you for anything - you're on the shelf until needed. I know your mind is working overtime to make some sense of what happened, but you would find much relief when you realize that a pwBPD's actions do not make sense, and furthermore, the way they think seems so heinous and foreign and twisted to us nons that even when we think we completely understand this disease, it's still hard to wrap our head around the behaviors. Just my humble opinion, but where there's smoke, there's fire. Something is probably going on with the best friend and your ex dumped you because he thinks he has a chance with him. That's a typical BPD triangle scenario, and when things fall flat with the best friend, he'll be ringing your bell again.

Hugs - it sucks - I know.

htl67

[Finished]

I had an evil thought    Forward it to the friends fiance or post it on FB. People need to learn that when they take photos of themselves in compromising positions, (ie: Senator Anthony Weiner) that they must be prepared to face the possible consequences of such indiscreet and immoral behavior.

LOL ... .I've thought about that, but I doubt I will do it. I thought about contacting the fiance and letting her know what the mess is she's getting into. I know she has no idea. I just also know I wouldn't do that to be honest. I'm not angry right now. I'm more hurt and confused and don't really feel like lashing out. But it is a fun thought 

[Finished]

Finished

Ask yourself the following questions: Be honest with yourself.

How many of the diagnostc criteria does he fullfill for BPD? All  but 2 I believe

Do you have any doubts yourself about the diagnosis? None at all. He isn't a yeller or a hitter. He's quiet and implodes. Very difficult to deal with.

Would you say he was high or a low functioning pwBPD? Low to moderate. Definitely not high functioning.

Were you truly happy with him? Yes, for the first 2 years and then again for the last 2 months.

Did he love you? Yes, I know he did. It may not be a healthy love but it was definitely love.

Do you feel loved? I did for the first 2 years and was beginning to feel loved in the last 8 weeks again.

What needs of yours did he satisfy? Companionship, shared interests (not mirroring, these he came into the relationship with), religious beliefs

What needs of yours did he not satisfy? Honesty, communication, problem solving, faithfulness, trust (got broken alot)

Would you say that your relationship was healthy? First 2 years, yes ... .Then for about 18 months, no ... .the last six months it was steadily getting better and actually got to the point where I was getting comfortable about 2-3 months ago. Lots of therapy involved.

What did you see in the relationship but choose to ignore? Hard quetion to answer. We have a 10 year age gap. When there were issues I would talk to my friends in the beginning. They would say it was probably the age gap or a difference in maturity. It's true, but I know that they maturity gap is not just physical age difference.

[Finished]

Hi Finished,

I'm sorry if what I am going to say is hurtful, but I also learned the hard way. If your ex truly has BPD, then there are some things you are overlooking.

******He truly has it … Been diagnosed twice.

Most pwBPD are only concerned with themselves and what they want right now. You're assuming many things... .

that the best friend is really straight, 

*****I used to assume this. He has been married, has two kids and is engaged again. I no longer assume it.

that nothing happened between them prior to this,

*****no, I’ve never assumed that.

that the photo is the first of it's kind, etc... .

******No, my ex confessed that the pics had been going on for a while.

PwBPD lie, lie, lie to get what they want. It seems hard for you to believe that he is acting of his own accord, but that's the only way they act! He may be occupied with the best friend right now, who may be fulfilling his needs, and therefore he doesn't need you for anything - you're on the shelf until needed.

*****Hope this isn’t really the case.

I know your mind is working overtime to make some sense of what happened, but you would find much relief when you realize that a pwBPD's actions do not make sense, and furthermore, the way they think seems so heinous and foreign and twisted to us nons that even when we think we completely understand this disease, it's still hard to wrap our head around the behaviors. Just my humble opinion, but where there's smoke, there's fire. ****Yes, I’m trying so hard to figure out what happened.

Something is probably going on with the best friend and your ex dumped you because he thinks he has a chance with him.

*****My ex has been in love with his best friend for 8 years. The best friend likes to play games and has been stringing him along for years. Could something have happened? I do not discount that possibility at all. However, the best friend lives in another state and they have only seen eachother once in 4 years.

That's a typical BPD triangle scenario, and when things fall flat with the best friend, he'll be ringing your bell again.

****I've wondered that. The best friend is getting married,.To a woman in a few months. My ex is the best man in the wedding. I’m wondering how his abandonment issues will manifest when he watches them get married.

Hugs - it sucks - I know. Yes it does.

htl67

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Finished

Ask yourself the following questions: Be honest with yourself.

How many of the diagnostc criteria does he fullfill for BPD? All  but 2 I believe

Do you have any doubts yourself about the diagnosis? None at all. He isn't a yeller or a hitter. He's quiet and implodes. Very difficult to deal with.

Would you say he was high or a low functioning pwBPD? Low to moderate. Definitely not high functioning.

Were you truly happy with him? Yes, for the first 2 years and then again for the last 2 months.

Did he love you? Yes, I know he did. It may not be a healthy love but it was definitely love.

Do you feel loved? I did for the first 2 years and was beginning to feel loved in the last 8 weeks again.

What needs of yours did he satisfy? Companionship, shared interests (not mirroring, these he came into the relationship with), religious beliefs

What needs of yours did he not satisfy? Honesty, communication, problem solving, faithfulness, trust (got broken alot)

Would you say that your relationship was healthy? First 2 years, yes ... .Then for about 18 months, no ... .the last six months it was steadily getting better and actually got to the point where I was getting comfortable about 2-3 months ago. Lots of therapy involved.

What did you see in the relationship but choose to ignore? Hard quetion to answer. We have a 10 year age gap. When there were issues I would talk to my friends in the beginning. They would say it was probably the age gap or a difference in maturity. It's true, but I know that they maturity gap is not just physical age difference.

There is no doubt that you care for him, that is plain to see. I loved my uBPDw. We met in our early 20s and were together 21 years. I would have done anything for her. We had some amazing and wonderful times together. She was and id beautiful. She has some truly wonderful charateristics. We share so many common values and interests. We travelled the world, had an amazing lifestyle, 3 beautiful children (all the intelligent yet still cool, I am very proud of them). My wife had a long history of running from things she could not cope with. Claimed her Dad was abusive towards her so I would take her in. Moved from Job to Job because of abusive bosses. I know her mother was an alcoholic and probably uBPD.

When my marriage began to fall apart she suddenly hated me and still does.

You cannot imagine what is like for the person you care about most in the world to suddenly turn around and flat out tell you they hate you.

There was no empathy and no apology. She was willing to say to the police and to the courts that I had been physically abusive to her and the children. She would have called social services were it not for a mutual friend who stopped. She was willing to to risk having the children taken into care and to would have been happy to see me arrested (it did not happen) just to get me out of the house. Her projections were that strong.

As we seperated there were a few short moments where she was calm. She told me she could see what had happened to her in her childhood and how it was triggering things between us. A moment later she said "I never loved you, I chose you because you were safe".

I had felt like I was the only person to have ever loved. I felt my love for her was unshakeable. I thought I would be with her until the day that I died. I used to feel that love was unconditional. I thought that what I has was special and unique.

I look back now with 20:20 vision. She feingned love. She never loved me. Our whole relationship was based on my capacity to satisfy her neediness. I was so good at this that we has 21 years together.

She has 7/9 defining traits of BPD.

She was emotionally immature. Child-like when vulnerable and in need of support. Child-like and immature in her demands. Her need for immediate gratification. Her abilty to paint people black one minute and the white the next.

She was as times depressed. She would stare off into the distance with a vacant empty look on her face. She would worry that nobody liked her, she had a chronic sence of low self esteem.

Looking back and being honest with myself I can see that BPD was there from the very start. It was not just something that surfaced when things went bad. It is part of who she is.

So when to me I had the good stuff. I was so in love. (Probably too much in love.) I was in the middle of the most unhealthy relationship of my life. I was caught up in FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) which kept me stuck long after the relationship had run its course.

I was devastated when our marriage ended. Unconsolable, unsure of how I would cope. I was frantic in my efforts to understand. I felt "understanding" would mean that I could fix it. It does not work like that. There was no fix.

The day I realised that I had to let go for her sake, for my sake and for the sake of my children was the day I began to recover from my BPD marriage.   

If you cling to anything it causes pain and suffering. Let him go.       

[landstar8891]

 Hi!... MindfulJavaJoe

  Thank you for sharing this.Wow!.Now to me that is some ''REAL'' pain there.See just when we think we are the only one who has this pain and our ''PAIN'' is always the worst.You end up reading someone elses story.I am so sorry this happened in your life.Your story gives people strength... And it shows me there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a freight train.So thanks again for sharing.

[Finished]

When my marriage began to fall apart she suddenly hated me and still does.

You cannot imagine what is like for the person you care about most in the world to suddenly turn around and flat out tell you they hate you.

I was devastated when our marriage ended. Unconsolable, unsure of how I would cope. I was frantic in my efforts to understand. I felt "understanding" would mean that I could fix it. It does not work like that. There was no fix.

The picture arrived on Sunday. My ex started manifesting all kinds of relationship destructive behaviors.

On Thursday he stopped communication and I thought he might be having a breakdown or trying to suicide. I went to his house at 11 p.m. ish only to find that he had just not contacted me that night. Then, we ended up talking. He didn't appreciate the conversation.

Friday, he told me he hated me and then dumped me. I can imagine what it is like to have those words said to me. My ex is the only person I have ever been in love with.

I used to have the belief if I could understand then I could fix. Maybe I still do. Today, i just need/want to understand so I can have peace and move on. I'm not sure which.

Your's is much longer than mine but it's very similar. I also have a child who loves my ex very much and thought of him as his best friend. My dog is having horrible separation anxiety and has had to go to the vet. This has hurt so many people in my life.

I would like to understand why I get to hurt.

[2010]

he didn't have the strength to leave me of his own free will. He had to have help. I'm sure his therapist was coaching him.

This should read: His best friend didn't have the strength to leave his fiance of his own free will. He had to have help. I'm sure my ex was coaching him.

No therapist would encourage this behavior. No therapist would tell your ex to leave you in order to triangulate into another couple.  The phrase "inserting himself" would be applicable to your ex and their engagement- and the best friend's behavior is definitely opening the door for that insertion. But this has nothing to do with you as a partner. It has to do with need.

Both parties are acting inappropriately, but they will find out very soon if they are going to suffer the consequences of their behavior. If it is a shallow attachment, they will work each other over impulses and erratic dramatic behavior and lose the very people who wish to build a life with them. What's important here for everyone is that you all actually believe that they are different people than what they are showing. This is a good time to address the conceptual person with the red flag behaviors.  You may come up with fraudulent personalities that may have been acting for the benefit of both you and the fiance but are not true to themselves.  These are not the types of people that either of you deserve.

Be careful of discussing your personal life with your Secretary. She is not paid to be your friend, she is an employee. If you cannot make it to a therapist, try to keep a journal or come here and post- but be very careful of the repercussions of combining your personal life with your work life. You need to stay focused for work and spend time outside of work, speaking privately with a professional. These are boundaries that must be put into place.

I am in disagreement with any advice telling you to get revenge. Do not. Repeat, DO NOT post anything on a social media that would hurt anyone, regardless of how hurt you feel.  No one needs to be "outed."  If someone is testing their commitment, the eventual fallout will become apparent in no time. Let it happen and let go of the outcome. Now is the time for your own healing from the experience.

[Finished]

he didn't have the strength to leave me of his own free will. He had to have help. I'm sure his therapist was coaching him.

This should read: His best friend didn't have the strength to leave his fiance of his own free will. He had to have help. I'm sure my ex was coaching him.

I think there is a misunderstanding. My ex really does not act of his own free will. I thought his therapist was working to destroy the relationship. My ex has actually admitted to me that she was coaching him on how to get out. Not sure what that is about.

I was wrong. His best friend was working to get him out of the relationship to protect himself. The best friend, I am certain is more concerned with his fiance not finding out about those pictures than he is with the friendship.

You would have to understand the dynamic between the best friend and my ex. The best friend literally has more power in my ex's life than anyone I've ever seen. If the best friend said to jump off a cliff, my ex would probably do it with little or no thought.

You also do not understand the best friend. He's probably a narcissist. He loves the attention he gets form my ex. They have known eachother for 8 years. Twice as long as my ex and I were together.

Be careful of discussing your personal life with your Secretary. She is not paid to be your friend, she is an employee. If you cannot make it to a therapist, try to keep a journal or come here and post- but be very careful of the repercussions of combining your personal life with your work life. You need to stay focused for work and spend time outside of work, speaking privately with a professional. These are boundaries that must be put into place.

This is not a situation I have to worry about. I've known my secretary and my boss for over a decade. We have all moved from company to company. So it's not a biggie. If I were at another company and didn't know these people well, I'd agree with you.

I am in disagreement with any advice telling you to get revenge. Do not. Repeat, DO NOT post anything on a social media that would hurt anyone, regardless of how hurt you feel.  No one needs to be "outed."  If someone is testing their commitment, the eventual fallout will become apparent in no time. Let it happen and let go of the outcome. Now is the time for your own healing from the experience.

LOL I thought it was a joke, nothing more. I think it was entirely intended as a joke. As I stated I enjoyed the thought, but wouldn't actually do it for a number of reasons.

[MovingFwd]

Hi Finished,

Like you, I'm new to this board, so please take what I have to say with a grain of salt, and know that I defer to the more experienced and thoughtful members. That being said... .

I have a friend who is a total jerk. He is insensitive and a black and white thinker (not BPD). He is the kind of person who thinks addicts should be able to simply stop using drugs through logic and self-discipline. Get the picture? In any case, while all my other friends and family have been comforting me and empathizing with what I'm going through, my jerk friend basically told me to snap out of it, stop catastrophizing, over-analyzing and, most importantly, stop romanticizing the relationship. Then he told me to grow some balls and make a decision. I protested and told him he just didn't understand. But, in fact, he is right. So, at the risk of being a jerk, I'm going to offer the same perspective to you.  You are posting on the Detaching board, which leads me to believe that you know it's something you must do for yourself. If not, you might get more from the Undecided board. But, in the meantime, try to set the romantic-true-love-forever stuff aside. It will only cloud the process of making the right choice.  It seems that you are also trying to figure out what happened. But honestly, it doesn't really matter, at least as far as the most recent events. And it's easy to get caught up in speculation and trying to put order to something disordered. But the big picture is what counts. Again, not a romanticized version, but the actual reality of your experience with this person and relationship. Is that what you want for the rest of your life, or even until the next time he leaves the relationship? It strikes me that in some respects you are trying to control what happens. Should I send a text, should I not send a text, etc. But again, none of that really matters as far as the big picture, unless you decide to try to make it work, and even then much of it is out of your control.  Anything you do or don't do is only temporary. It might be helpful to remind yourself that you cannot control him or his behavior other than through short-term manipulation. You've sent him a text. Now let go and try to apply all the detachment strategies found on this site, even if you have to fake it. I know this sounds harsh, and I am far from being able to do it myself, but what my jerk friend said to me actually helped, so I'm sharing it with you.

[larissap]

Hi Finished

I have been reading all your posts and looking at your agonising and grief and pain and misbelief and the need for closure, should you or shouldn't you sent a text, sending one and then wondering if he will reply.

I am afraid I feel the need to weigh in here and like MovingForward say some things that might seem harsh but I say it as  I see it.

I want to get you and shake you and shake you and say WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING.  This guy has treated you bad, dumped you by text, accepted inappropriate pictures from a 'friend', is closer to his 'best friend' than you and is basically walking all over you. 

WHY would you take him back or even think of it? What is love?  What does love mean to you.  You look anywhere and love is about trust, intimacy, giving and recieving of yourself, trust, respect, trust!  Believe me Finished, I am sympathetic to how you are feeling.  My x cheated on my our whole 21 year marriage and ended up getting someone pregnant!  I stayed, I let myself be abused and treated badly. I at least had a number of excuses, the main one being our two children who loved their father. 

I wouldn't have listened to anyone who told me to leave probably until I was ready to do so.  And that took a lot of time and courage and was the most scariest thing I have ever done.

You didn't have to make that decision, it was made for you which in some ways is harder and some easier. I know you don't feel it at the moment but take it as a parting gift from your ex, he set you free because I dont' think you would ever have been able to set yourself free.

Just think deep and hard, like others have kept telling you, why did you really stay with someone you can't trust, why do you really think you would take him back (with absolutely no evidence that he wants back at the moment!).  You really need to examine your motives and feelings closely.  You need help from a therapist to get to the bottom of this.  Probably many of your feelings come from the way he treated you during the relationship. There is a lot you need to unpack.

I hope that gave you a little 'shake' and I am sorry if I offended, just got to say it as I see it, from an objective outside point of view which you are quite naturally unable to see right now.

Good luck

 

[Finished]

thanks for the tough love

i am going to find a way to get closure, need it after everything i've been through ... .i called his aunt and uncle tonight ... .i've always gotten on well with them so i thought they might be able to shed some light ... .whenever we have had issues in the past he usually goes over there ... .

i talked to them, they know nothing of the breakup, which is odd ... .but, they could confirm that his best friend has been pressuring him to move to his city ... .

there we go, the best friend ... .

i finally have the big picture ... .it makes sense ... .

[Clearmind]

I havent read all the posts because I am at work - oopss. Firstly your ex is an adult, whether the best friend is involved in all this or not is irrelevant.

[Finished]

I havent read all the posts because I am at work - oopss. Firstly your ex is an adult, whether the best friend is involved in all this or not is irrelevant.

yes, he's an adult

no, it's not irrelevant to me, maybe to you, but not to me so please do not tell me what is important in my life ... .i've just spent 4 years with someone re-arranging all the important stuff in my life so that my life focused on them ... .i'd like to avoid it again

read all the posts and then the latest one where i finally put the pieces together ... .my mind may not work like yours, i am a person who needs to have a big picture so that i can understand ... .i have it, it freed me ... .

i realize this is an anonymous board, but i'm gonna do something i stopped doing in this relationship, i determine what is important to me and no one else ... .and this was important to me ... .read the other post, i explain why there ... .