The truth.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Here it is... .

No matter how much it hurt being with her, I know deep down inside, I will always hope she will return.

  When two become one... .it's a powerful thing.

I married her because I chose to marry her.

Though she is atrociously sick, I miss being there for her.

After reaching the point where I am now "over her"... .I find this unrelenting reality... .she isn't getting better.

I may be doing very good inside... .but she is suffering.

You can only think of yourself for so long.

There comes a time when you reach the end of yourself... .and realize you are not an island.

God save our BPD loved ones.

Hurry!

[kennumber777]

Here it is... .

No matter how much it hurt being with her, I know deep down inside, I will always hope she will return.

  When two become one... .it's a powerful thing.

I married her because I chose to marry her.

Though she is atrociously sick, I miss being there for her.

After reaching the point where I am now "over her"... .I find this unrelenting reality... .she isn't getting better.

I may be doing very good inside... .but she is suffering.

You can only think of yourself for so long.

There comes a time when you reach the end of yourself... .and realize you are not an island.

God save our BPD loved ones.

Hurry!

[MaybeSo]

I use to wish for his return. Now I just wish him peace. There is a whole world out there that truly can benefit from my love and my attention; my preoccupation and focus on him for six years took away from others who can truly benefit from relationship and reciprocity and have always been available in ways he cannot be. Also, many on this forum got here by constantly tending to others at the expense of self. Time on this earth is short. I want to spend  it wisely. I do pray for him, I do wish him peace. They suffer... .As do we. Everyone experiences pain in this life, everyone.

[ajr5679]

 I too sometime wish she would come back. i miss her needing me (sick) i miss when she wanted me.

i don`t miss the abuse. i don`t miss her always running back to her ex when ever i needed her.

when i want her back i just know it is because i am sick also. and that my life is so much better with out her in it and her drama that comes with it. plus if she did come back i would alway be wondering when she was going to leave again . for someone that has a fear of people leaving  me. it is hell to live like that.

[2010]

When two become one... .it's a powerful thing.

Kenn, what do you mean by "two becoming one?"

[kennumber777]

2010... .

  Two become one... .marriage.

 

[2010]

I read your other post and I'm going to be frank with you here. The "two become one" identity is called enmeshment.  Borderlines grow up in enmeshed families.

Marriage is two people coming together to share each others lives, but not to create one identity. Spouses need separate identities for a healthy marriage-outside interests, friends, hobbies. Spouses also need to make their own decisions concerning these choices without having them determined (being controlled) by the other.  Borderline is an attachment disorder. Borderlines find people who <<project>> their identities onto them and seek to enmesh them.  The Borderline then tries to escape that bondage.  The Borderline seeks fusion but then runs away from it.

So often Borderlines get into marriages where they relinquish control in order to re-play their childhood dynamics.  They let anyone pull their leash because they act submissive. The desire for a Borderline is to be "subsumed" by others- so that they don't have to take responsibility at all. When things go badly as they often do, the Borderline blames and then finds a new dominant identity to debase.

If you are the dominant identity in your marriage, the one with all the answers to the Borderlines woes, then you are probably being manipulated by your guilt that you are not doing enough. That doesn't allow your identity to be dominant anymore- it is now submissive. This is a very unhealthy place to be- especially when you are deriving your self esteem from the "fusion" and identity of the attachment bond. The identity that is in trouble is actually yours as you also replay your childhood dynamic of not being able to gauge the drama caused by the acting out of your partner.

I know that you are hoping that your wife will return, but the desire you have to help her return to you is unhealthy. You can sit on the sidelines and watch her push/pull dramatic/erratic for rest of your life, or you can figure out who this person really represents from your childhood. That's the hard part to uncover- the self inquiry- but I know you can do it.  

www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/coenmesh.html

[kennumber777]

I hear you 2010.

I am talking more about how I feel about the marriage.

In my mind and heart, I made a promise and I meant it... .whether she did or not.

[Annaleigh]

That's the hold H has on me and it goes back to my own family of origin.  I made my parent's feelings more important than mine.  I learned to stuff them down and was trained up to be all consumed in how the parent was feeling.

Was your childhood similiar?  Do you have troubles identifying feelings and making them important enough to be heard?  Did you need her to be ok to feel ok?

[Why Why Why]

I read your other post and I'm going to be frank with you here. The "two become one" identity is called enmeshment.  Borderlines grow up in enmeshed families.

Marriage is two people coming together to share each others lives, but not to create one identity. Spouses need separate identities for a healthy marriage-outside interests, friends, hobbies. Spouses also need to make their own decisions concerning these choices without having them determined (being controlled) by the other.  Borderline is an attachment disorder. Borderlines find people who <<project>> their identities onto them and seek to enmesh them.  The Borderline then tries to escape that bondage.  The Borderline seeks fusion but then runs away from it.

So often Borderlines get into marriages where they relinquish control in order to re-play their childhood dynamics.  They let anyone pull their leash because they act submissive. The desire for a Borderline is to be "subsumed" by others- so that they don't have to take responsibility at all. When things go badly as they often do, the Borderline blames and then finds a new dominant identity to debase.

If you are the dominant identity in your marriage, the one with all the answers to the Borderlines woes, then you are probably being manipulated by your guilt that you are not doing enough. That doesn't allow your identity to be dominant anymore- it is now submissive. This is a very unhealthy place to be- especially when you are deriving your self esteem from the "fusion" and identity of the attachment bond. The identity that is in trouble is actually yours as you also replay your childhood dynamic of not being able to gauge the drama caused by the acting out of your partner.

I know that you are hoping that your wife will return, but the desire you have to help her return to you is unhealthy. You can sit on the sidelines and watch her push/pull dramatic/erratic for rest of your life, or you can figure out who this person really represents from your childhood. That's the hard part to uncover- the self inquiry- but I know you can do it.  

www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/coenmesh.html

Really great post 2010.  I'm saving this for sure!

Ken, I hope things work out for you amigo!  You need to fill that void within yourself, but not with your wife!

[OTH]

Ken,

What makes you think you are over her?

You don't have to be an island. Build relationships with people who want a strong relationship with you. Your wife left and is doing drugs and is a mess. It is fine to still have feelings for her. It is fine to still love her. Kind of like the story in the radical acceptance link of the mother and her homeless son. You can offer help when asked but the rest of the time you have a life to live. You can't control that outcome. It is part of the sickness, you trying to control it makes life worse for the both of you. You have to live your life making healthy choices about how to spend your time.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135116.0

All the best,

OTH

Here it is... .

No matter how much it hurt being with her, I know deep down inside, I will always hope she will return.   When two become one... .it's a powerful thing.

I married her because I chose to marry her.

Though she is atrociously sick, I miss being there for her.

After reaching the point where I am now "over her"... .I find this unrelenting reality... .she isn't getting better.

I may be doing very good inside... .but she is suffering.

You can only think of yourself for so long.

There comes a time when you reach the end of yourself... .and realize you are not an island.God save our BPD loved ones.

Hurry!

[kennumber777]

Thanks for all the replies.

For some reason, I always seem to be misunderstood ?

I think It's me who is not good enough at describing my feelings into writing.

Thanks for caring... .

[Simpleone]

2010- this is brilliant!:

So often Borderlines get into marriages where they relinquish control in order to re-play their childhood dynamics.  They let anyone pull their leash because they act submissive. The desire for a Borderline is to be "subsumed" by others- so that they don't have to take responsibility at all. When things go badly as they often do, the Borderline blames and then finds a new dominant identity to debase.

If you are the dominant identity in your marriage, the one with all the answers to the Borderlines woes, then you are probably being manipulated by your guilt that you are not doing enough. That doesn't allow your identity to be dominant anymore- it is now submissive. This is a very unhealthy place to be- especially when you are deriving your self esteem from the "fusion" and identity of the attachment bond. The identity that is in trouble is actually yours as you also replay your childhood dynamic of not being able to gauge the drama caused by the acting out of your partner.

This is my marriage to a T!

Please tell me he will do this to the next one... .

[ThisCantBeReal]

I believe that somewhere in there really was my true love. Before I found out about BPD i would always think to myself that something had trapped her, almost like that person i would die for is in there but theyre caged and something else has taken over, and not being able to stop it is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with.

[ThisCantBeReal]

Thanks for all the replies.

For some reason, I always seem to be misunderstood ?

I think It's me who is not good enough at describing my feelings into writing.

Thanks for caring... .

I can never seem to get my points across either... .

[Zena321]

                                    Sorry LOONNNGGG  POST

To ThisCan'tBeReal,

                             I know exactly what you mean . I kept thinking the same thing before stumbling across BPD/NPD. I was constantly wondering where was that man I met. He had to be still inside somewhere . The man I met was incredibly good with my 4 sons who all had different interests. He could talk hours with my oldest on football,players stats,scoring,trades,drafts any team etc. My second oldest he taught him so much more on guitar playing, as he himself played guitar,bass and drums and had recorded bands for a hobby and got him into new kinds of music and meeting bands after concerts. My 3rd son who has Aspergers who could talk your ear off forever about weather, and honestly any other person could only listen and be interested an hour at most. He would engage him with questions and answers for hours and seem very genuinely interested. My youngest he always liked taking things apart and putting back together. He would teach him and let him help home repair or remodeling etc. So 3 years dating/engaged I would cry sometimes and wish he were their dad (their dad was extremely ADD ,as were 3 of them BTW) and had no patience or focus with any of them.

     Then we get married and soon control sets in for all of us his OCD sets in big time (did I marry his evil twin?)Ultimately when he walked out on me he blamed my oldest   because they got in an argument and my youngest same reason and my 2nd son had cancer at the time . He said he needed to leave for "self preservation" he loved me but couldn't live with them.To this day over 5 years later my oldest whom was disowned by him  ?when he left he does not want to hear anything about him.Anyone he disowns is the case ,he did this to his ex-daughter-in-law when she was only his sons girlfriend because her mother got into an argument with ME  .When they got engaged his son asked his blessing he said NO,I was well over it not him.I said what about any future grandchildren his answer I won't acknowledge any children from that B***h I said but they will be your sons too he said "I don't care."

His son is his only child who believes is " perfect "too . He was a weekend dad since he was 2. His son disrespected me constantly behind his dads back (which his dad never believed),also disrespected his dad behind his too but kissed ass in front of it.

My belief is/was people for the most part do not change from the time they are young adults say 18-20 maybe. Basically if you are patient easy going kind caring etc. it is in you. If you are more Quick tempered,always running about and selfish thats who you are deep down.So I tried and tried to figure out where that "good man went"was it me,was it my kids,over and over in my head,I never did anything to warrant the behavoir,I never cheated neither did he,never lied,never stole or spent money(we both agreed on money issues,he was much tighter but both of us very frugal),chemistry was there even for 2 and a half years after seperation every weekend.

    My kids were not drinkers,drug users,never arrested,did let the F word fly a bit much at first but that was brought under control very early on,went to school,except when my 19 year old got cancer (husband left 5 days after his first chemo treatment,2 days after christmas).

Only 3 bad arguments in 6 years with their stepdad not bad I think for 4 boys ages 13-20.No physical fights between anyone. I also thought maybe he just took on more than he could handle moving in with 5 people after being alone after a couple years and before just 1 person a GF.So much  over  anylizing .Attempting way to long to find excuses,solutions as to why. I loved him so deeply flaws and all. How could he stop so suddenly like I meant nothing as if we had no history like strangers in the night.

Then came the day he said he wasn't "in love with me anymore" to stop coming over.

"He thought he was probably better off or meant to be alone " he said.Well yes lasted 2 weeks he met someone online lasted 2 months (probably new sex)then met someone a couple weeks after her because the other one didn't want to continue with a "married man".So the second one must have been love at first sight for both of them as far as I believe she may have started spending weekends there early on,then she got in an accident in his car totalling it about 7 months in and then she moved in.He probably suggested it since she was out of work,probably couldn't afford her apt. and was there alot anyway(my asumption). So much for him needing to live alone.So to this day she has lived there in our house little over 2 years only thing I know her kids are grown and don't live with them and she is maybe a year or 2 younger.She works possibly PT now but didn't before.I am still married to him and not even legally seperated from him(he has told me he won't divorce me since we agreed we wouldn't get a divorce until we found someone we wanted to marry,apparently she isn't it.Although who knows maybe she too is still married like him and getting a nice alimony check and they are doing very well between them,him not giving me a cent and making 5x more than me and maybe she is getting alimony and the bills on that house are half of mine ? My curiosity does have me wondering time to time if she is Married and seperated that is... .Maybe she is BPD and that keeps them together he is high functioning so his relationships go a few years verses months so if he runs his course his devalue maybe just starting with her and it may last a couple more years.

   In a twist I would hope she wakes up and leaves him but my feeling is her self esteem has to be worse than mine since she fell in love and stayed and moved in with a man who won't get a divorce after 3 years and not making any move to do so. So she will eventually meet a fate similar or worse than mine and I genuiley feel sorry for her at this point where as a couple years back I did not at all.

   

[Annaleigh]

Zena - why not divorce him and get your house equity?  ?

[Zena321]

To 2010,

You are so correct on when a Borderline marries... .I found even before marriage when I met him ,the first time I went to his house he had 2-3 months worth of bills unpaid not that he didn't have the money he had a very good paying job. His answer was oh they will just send another one. He also had another saying "Never Trust Anyone" was his motto.

     Well I offered to pay his bills if he wanted and trusted me to and with his checkbook,well he agreed except he didn't have a bank account so if he gave me the cash for the amount would I ,which was fine.

  So about a month or so in I was doing paperwork for 2 households,then started setting appts for him and my family of 5 etc. I was the responsible,dominant,confident one etc.and looking over emails I had from the start of our relationship he "shows" to be the insecure" afraid of losing our relationship,feels me slipping away  etc.,he was calling me 2-4 times a day at first .I thought it was suffocating and my ex whom I was and still am friends with said looks like you have a stalker be careful(I should have listened).

   I didn't I someohow started thinking differently and took it as caring very much for me bad move ,if only in hindsight,so much of my despair and grief would have been spared

Fast forward the more time went by the more and more was expected of course since I was tactful and good at getting things done calmly with people and not exploding and making them worse.Mind you he deals with disgruntled customers 9 hours a day and very very good at it in sales and customer service and takes extreme pride in it. But for his own personal stuff forget it doesn't want to deal.We then had a joint checking acct.he was puttinga little more than half his check into for me to continue writing for the household bills for the 2 houses mine and ours.

Before I knew it more and more including the house wasn't picked up "just so"the kids were not putting the remote on the tv every night (so he smashed it against the wall,to get his point across peanut butter jar met the same fate).If his work around house drywall patch ie: his fist or head would go through the wall.I actually felt his mental pain at wanting to be so perfect, but also felt he wanted everyone else to be perfect too . Although he denied he needed everyone else to be. He just expected his work and himself to be.His mother and father told me he was like that since he was about 4 he would rip up any papers or drawings if they weren't "good enough" to him.

Well after we parted I found the relationship did a total turnaround he was the dominant one and I was the empty submissive one.I was the one writing emails to the tune of what can I do? I feel the relationship slipping away,I love you with all my heart and soul. He would never acknowledge my emails except one time I got a response of " I read it,now leave me alone"WTH was that?

He was so proud of himself for paying his bills as they came in and perfectly balancing his checkbook. While I now let mine build up 2-3 months not because I have the money though(I would gladly pay monthly)my predictment he broke me emotionally and financially so while my credit was perfect when we met it is now worse than it ever was in my life while his is now perfect thanks to me. So I pick and choose the bills I pay,house is always priority,house and car insurance,electric.

Being on S.S.D.A.

I have a small amount of food stamps and food pantries for food,and get some fuel assistance in the winter for oil which helps too.Haven't bought new clothes in many years. If I need some clothes Salvation Army is great on Wd here half price day.Sad but I am OK with it.

[Zena321]

Annaleigh ,

                  I would except for a couple things ... I see him dragging it out... I think him being as controlling as he is he would so therefor any equity may definately eat up any lawery fees on my part and he wouldn't care he makes 5x as me.I had looked into legal aid before and was told I don't qualify because of the "equity" I own in the house BTW even though I don't live there.

   If I even became "legally seperated from him" the way his work is I would not be covered under his benefits anymore.Not even if court ordered I looked it many times and ways. As it is he covers myself and my sons at a whole $75 a month for family plan.My sons are 20 and 22 and go to school and work PT so have no ins. available to them his co. covers them until age 23 regardless if they are in school or not. If I wanted to continue cobra $1800 a month I make a little more than half so equity would eat up insurance costs also quickly.

If big if I were eligle for alimony being disparity of income,length of marriage,I am permantly disabled would have been a much longer time but MA just passed the other day to end that longest would be length of marriage at the most.

My best bet might be unfortuanely at this point just let it ride until we hit the legal 10 year mark so I can at least get a higher s.s. check since his earnings are higher than mine and won't affect him so therefor won't tick him off either if you know what I mean . I know his sudden rages from 0-1000 in less than 5 seconds and don't need that over money andbeing as money is his GOD he would fight me over $1 never mind thousands in equity.