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Author Topic: Did you ever just call them out and . . .  (Read 2830 times)
jhan6120
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« on: October 05, 2011, 09:29:34 AM »

Did you ever just call them out on their bullhitt to their face, and they stood their like a deer in the headlights? Ever had one of those moments of inner-strength that just left them dumbfounded? If so, I'd like to hear about it!

After our second recycle, my ex udBPDgf said that during the 'breakup,' some handsome gazillionaire asked her out, but she turned him down because she wanted me. I looked at her calmly, and asked politely, "Why do you feel the need to tell me that?"

She just stared at me for a good ten seconds, then stammered about how I was 'the one,' etc, etc.

I continued something to the effect of, "Look, we weren't together at the time, so if you did go out with him, that would have been your decision, I have nothing to do with that. We're not married, and we haven't made any pledges to one another. Either that, or you're trying to prove to me that you're still 'desirable' to the opposite sex or something as kind of a warning. I find that puerile and boring, so if you want to go out with someone else, have at it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you DID go out with him and you're lying. That kind of thing also bores me, so why don't we talk about something grown up?"

I gave this whole litanny with dead calm. It upset the crap out of her. It helps that I'm really not the jealous type and she did a HUGE misread on me with her spiel.

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timebomb
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« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2011, 10:19:09 AM »

I usually got painted black and ignored for a week or so... wouldn't suprise me at all if she went out looking for another guy as a "punishment" that i should get for talking to her like that. As many posts have said they are hyper-sensitive and when mine pissed me off enough i would go to the artillery and hit her back with stuff that really bothered her. She had no respect for me so at times i gave her a taste of her own medicine.
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« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2011, 10:28:19 AM »

Oh yes, many times. I seem to get Misread  a lot. Underestimated. Kindness mistaken for weakness, that kind of thing. I'm blond, curvy and bubbly, always smiling and talking to people... .many mistake this. Maybe some perceive me a bimbo or a dumb blonde, but what about don't judge a book by it's cover. I know how to handle myself, I was trained as a child to say please and thank u.I give respect to people even when they do not earn or deserve it." Do unto others"

The first time I called out my N BPD ex, was the month after I met him. He had sent me a poem and told me he writes poetry. I was very interested and pleased at what he wrote... .But he kept telling me over and over how he had written that, to the point I got curious and Googled it. LOL Pages of links to "his" poem came up. When I told him someone on the internet had stolen his poem... .he went berserk on me. Adamant that he was the composer of this poem, told me to get out of his house with my dumb ___.Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  Never did mention it again. This is when I believe he realized he had misjudged me as an EASY target... .although I was, because I didn't cut all ties at that point. A week later is the first time he hit me.  The second time, 2 weeks later, he burst my ear drum from smacking me so hard. Looking back I think I was in shock and paralyzed by being caught off guard. I regret now that I didn't trust myself and my instincts more.

This board which I just found yesterday has made such a difference to me already!

So, jhan6120, how long did it take for u to finally be done with that ex gf? This is the first breakup I have had with my NBPD man, but we never actually "brokeup" as u would in a normal r/s... .he just called me with another woman on the line with him, to inform me he was in another relationship. That was last friday... .ugggghhh it makes me want to   .

Btw responding to their BS with complete calm, and unemotionally is the perfect way. The whole point of the drama was to get emotion , a reaction form us.
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cyndiloowho
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« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2011, 10:36:28 AM »

Many, many, many, many, many times... .and it never came to nuthin!

One of my Hs favorite things to do is to disappear. Here one minute, gone the next. Hours, days, weeks, not knowing if he's sick, dead... .Last Fall, he disappeared for a few days and finally called me for his rescue, saying he found himself standing atop a bridge contemplating suicide. I called the cops and he was escorted to the psych ward. He didnt expect that! But after he 'came around' in a few days, I explained how this was always one of my biggest fears when he'd disappear like that. He kinda shrugged me off. I got pissed! I asked him "do you know what it does to a person when you just vanish like that?" Dumb stare. "How do you think it makes us feel when you abandon us like that?" His response? "Bad?" He was truly at a loss!

There were plenty of opportunities to catch him in his lies. The last time I even bother to call him out was in a stupid little lie over money. He was trying to keep his unemployment after returning to work. He wanted to keep this extra money secret, for himself. Since I keep the budget, I had a close eye on his unemployment account, as usual, and he knew it. So when I discovered what he was doing, in the evening when he got home from work I asked him if he had reported his job to unemployment. "Of course". So I pulled up his account on the computer and showed him I knew otherwise. Instant defensive... ."that's what they owe me from before"... ."I was gonna report it after I get a full paycheck"... .When I said, "why do you lie when you know its something Ill find out about?" He said, "I dont know, I just do it" And there it is. Truth. Lying is just what he does.

Calling out my H has done nothing but promote circular arguments/conversations. He doesnt 'get it' that what he does is irrational, he just does it. Then he is truly confused by me pointing out that there's something not right about it. His reality is truly Mind boggling. No making sense outta crazy!  
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« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2011, 10:50:53 AM »

I called mine out on all the hurtful and terrible things/behaviors she did to me months after she left me for someone else. It was the first time I'd ever really called her out on her behavior, during our relationship I was extremely passive (Something I've worked on and made progress with a ton). She was also a BPD Waif, so during the relationship we never argued or anything. We were both very passive for the most part. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, the rage inside of her was building up day by day just waiting for the moment to explode.

When she began devaluing me and finally dumped me, it was the first time she was ever outwardly cruel to me (Any other times during the RS were very subtle and hard to see). I was in complete shock, denial and a complete state of confusion when the devaluation began. This was not the girl that I loved, this was somebody I had never seen before. She became a cold heartless btch to me and for the months following the break up, she tried to keep me on a string with insincere lies about wanting to be with me (Even though she had just dumped me?), revealed the emotional affair she had with a co-worker, and said some things to me that were just straight up hurtful and wrong. For awhile I was just hurting, I was confused, and I wanted the girl I loved back. But eventually, as I began to learn about BPD and other things, that hurt turned into anger. One day I decided to call her and call her out on her wrongful actions, instead she sat on the phone trying to explain to me why she was so amazed over this co-worker she had been talking too. I sat there thinking, why would someone sit on the phone with there recently dumped ex of 3 years and tell them about there "new love" story? It was bizarre and inconsiderate, to say the least.

I called her a cheater, she denied it, got off the phone to go to work. I kept texting her and calling her out on the other things she had done. I criticized her for getting a tattoo that said "Love Conquers All" in Latin only weeks after she had dumped the apparent "love of her life", me, that she had been with for three years. I criticized her for emotionally cheating on me with a heroin addict from her job.

What was the end result of all this calling out of her actions?

She told me to go F myself and to never speak to her again. I followed up by saying I couldn't worry about her problems anymore, and that I had to take care of myself and the first step in doing that was by cutting her off completely. I said my final goodbye and haven't heard from her since, though I did see her on campus one day. They truly are screwed up in the head, and they will run away from the hurt and destruction that they left behind no matter what it takes.

Though I'm still working on myself, life has been much more peaceful since my NC began. I don't even really WANT to hear from her anymore or even see her. The girl I was in love with was merely a fantasy, and that fantasy and that girl I loved are dead to me now. When I see my ex now, I see an entirely different person that I don't really care about. Grieving this relationship for me has been more like grieving the death of what my ex made herself out to be, not grieving who she has really shown herself to be.
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« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2011, 01:06:31 PM »

Vicious cycle... EXACTLY! you grieve the person you THOUGHT they were... it was so sad and depressing realizing the woman i fell in love with did not exist at all! the best way to describe it is like a death... knowing that person will never be again and never was... it really messes with your head and is heartbreaking. Once you pull the wool back from over your eyes... HARSH reality... it was all a game and you were conned... VERY SICK!  
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« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2011, 01:25:52 PM »

A few times. Reactions were twofold.

-when calling her out on something she did (humiliating in public, not showing up at important appointment etc.), she pulled out the submissive (childish) vulnerable puppy eyes act.

-when calling her out on something she didn't do (not being there for me, not supporting me etc.), she was like a predator attacking back.

The last time with the last b/u, when I told her everything, she just stared in front of her saying nothing. She realized I was not coming back ever.
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« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2011, 02:05:31 PM »

Excerpt
Did you ever just call them out and . . .

If you do, you are only playing int the disorder's hands. Since BPD is a persecution complex with a punitive, scapegoating parent that lives internally, your replication of the punitive parent (in real time) serves the disorder to replay out in present day circumstances.

Borderlines live as eternal victims and their thoughts of others cruelty enable actions that trigger reactions in the partner to prove their distorted perceptions right. Becoming a persecutor and challenging them about their behavior only adds on to their idea of truth that whatever thinking they had (that you were "the one" means that love cannot be trusted - and therefore they strike out and away from the mistrust you provide them with clearly in your reaction.  Borderlines also thrive in triangulation (read definition)- meaning that as eternal victims they will seek out rescuers, but only in reactions to a withdrawing former rescuer (now turned persecutor upon return.)

It's important to understand the disorder, if only to identify the part you play in it.  This is a disorder. It wasn't caused by you, but when you find yourself reacting to it personally- it's in both of your best interest to detach and leave each other alone.  Understand that the behavior is compulsive and seeks reaction in order to drive the chaos that lives within their minds. The only way to heal from this is to detach and absorb some of the intellectual aspects of the drive: notably, a need to fuse to another person and a terrified fear of being alone.

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jhan6120
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« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2011, 02:17:13 PM »

Excerpt
Did you ever just call them out and . . .

If you do, you are only playing int the disorder's hands. Since BPD is a persecution complex with a punitive, scapegoating parent that lives internally, your replication of the punitive parent (in real time) serves the disorder to replay out in present day circumstances.

Borderlines live as eternal victims and their thoughts of others cruelty enable actions that trigger reactions in the partner to prove their distorted perceptions right. Becoming a persecutor and challenging them about their behavior only adds on to their idea of truth that whatever thinking they had (that you were "the one" means that love cannot be trusted - and therefore they strike out and away from the mistrust you provide them with clearly in your reaction.  Borderlines also thrive in triangulation (read definition)- meaning that as eternal victims they will seek out rescuers, but only in reactions to a withdrawing former rescuer (now turned persecutor upon return.)

It's important to understand the disorder, if only to identify the part you play in it.  This is a disorder. It wasn't caused by you, but when you find yourself reacting to it personally- it's in both of your best interest to detach and leave each other alone.  Understand that the behavior is compulsive and seeks reaction in order to drive the chaos that lives within their minds. The only way to heal from this is to detach and absorb some of the intellectual aspects of the drive: notably, a need to fuse to another person and a terrified fear of being alone.

I actually did deatch; for good.
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jhan6120
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« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2011, 02:25:52 PM »

Excerpt
Did you ever just call them out and . . .

If you do, you are only playing int the disorder's hands. Since BPD is a persecution complex with a punitive, scapegoating parent that lives internally, your replication of the punitive parent (in real time) serves the disorder to replay out in present day circumstances.

Borderlines live as eternal victims and their thoughts of others cruelty enable actions that trigger reactions in the partner to prove their distorted perceptions right. Becoming a persecutor and challenging them about their behavior only adds on to their idea of truth that whatever thinking they had (that you were "the one" means that love cannot be trusted - and therefore they strike out and away from the mistrust you provide them with clearly in your reaction.  Borderlines also thrive in triangulation (read definition)- meaning that as eternal victims they will seek out rescuers, but only in reactions to a withdrawing former rescuer (now turned persecutor upon return.)

It's important to understand the disorder, if only to identify the part you play in it.  This is a disorder. It wasn't caused by you, but when you find yourself reacting to it personally- it's in both of your best interest to detach and leave each other alone.  Understand that the behavior is compulsive and seeks reaction in order to drive the chaos that lives within their minds. The only way to heal from this is to detach and absorb some of the intellectual aspects of the drive: notably, a need to fuse to another person and a terrified fear of being alone.

I actually did deatch; for good.

No, I'm not gonna just shrug this off. You're right. I DID play right into the disorder's hands, exactly in the way you describe. I have to admit that. Any satisfaction I gained from 'calling her out' was short-lived and the relationship got worse. It's really humbling to admit this now.
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« Reply #10 on: October 05, 2011, 02:48:46 PM »

Excerpt
I actually did deatch; for good.

I understand. This confrontational behavior occurs at the end of every BPD relationship for a reason. Borderline personality disorder is actually a very orderly progression of events that Borderlines use to drive (push) people away but also keep people (clinging) attached by a thread. That thread is utilized and pulled in many ways that are very successful to a Borderline, whether it's sex, rescue, narcissistic mirroring, etc. Whatever is successful will be used when the withdrawing object gets a little too far away or tries to detach. The push/pull of the relationship is helped by the drama triangle, because Borderlines cannot stand being alone. They feel that they will die of unbearable loneliness unless they have an idealized parent figure- Since they are part time children (angry/abandoned) they must use other parentified "selves" (that's you) to adhere to in order to feel whole.

It is your parentified "self" that is used by the Borderline for rescuing (split good and idealized) as well as persecuting (split bad and persecuted) thereby making your true "self" victimized. This is a core issue from childhood. It's your desire of the parentifed "self" that needs to be investigated in the aftermath of a relationship with a Borderline- especially when you were so comfortable upon the pedestal in the beginning and in the end you were found on the ground, dirty and spit on- feeling powerless.  This feels personal and makes you angry- and it can fester. As they say, resentment is like taking a poison pill and expecting the other person to die. In time the anger will either eat you alive or it will *fade* and a new realization will occur, one that accepts that there was nothing that you could have done to change the outcome from what has happened and nothing that was done to you personally that the Borderline didn't do to everyone else in their life. It wasn't your fault. Repeat after me, it WASN'T your fault. It's a disorder.

Understanding the anger is your first step to getting beyond and discovering that reality involves these uncomfortable feelings about loss of control and loss of fantasy and while reality is depressing, the fantasy of this person changing and truthfully understanding their own disorder is only a fantasy.  While your memories of this person are bittersweet, do temper with your own understanding that they will never, ever give you the apology that you need- and that's O.K.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


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bdpkok

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« Reply #11 on: October 05, 2011, 03:19:31 PM »

One of the classics:

I told her she is messy with her things. She got mad and angry like I said something terrible and we start a fight. She couldt  bear that she "IS" messy so I told her:

"Look around yourself and tell me how many my things (stuff like shoes, thsirts,... .) arent in the place they sould be and compare to your stuff that arent in the place they shouldnt be! She stared on me with that outragous look, take the dog and went out the flat. I did the same. Three ours later I returned to the flat, she was sitting on the couch. No communication at all. I went to sleep leaving her on the couch and went in the bedroom. Two hours later she come to the bed and start seducing me so we had amazing sex like nothing had happened. Weird verry weird!

Today, after reading books and this board I realise that she knew she wasnt right and used sex as tool for fixing things - control and manipulation. Sick  
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cyndiloowho
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« Reply #12 on: October 05, 2011, 03:23:14 PM »

No, I'm not gonna just shrug this off. You're right. I DID play right into the disorder's hands, exactly in the way you describe. I have to admit that. Any satisfaction I gained from 'calling her out' was short-lived and the relationship got worse. It's really humbling to admit this now.

I think this is all part of the healing process. We all have a right to our anger, to our sense if indignation! Of course we want to call them out! It feels vindicating, if only for a minute, to call them on their sh!t. But, of course, in the end, its just our momentary need. It never really changes anything with them, brings us no closer to the closure and healing we so desperately seek... .

All part of the process of grief and personal growth, isnt it?

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« Reply #13 on: October 05, 2011, 04:09:49 PM »

One of our BIGGEST (maybe not biggest, but most volatile) fights were when I was driving and almost ended up taking a wrong turn onto the freeway... .it made me very nervous and I panicked and quickly adjusted my route. All the while he was screaming at the top of his lungs how stupid, crazy, worst driver on the planet... .FULL RAGE at me cursing, more name calling... .SCREAMING!

Ok, if he thought making the wrong turn made me nervous... .his fr'n rant put me into a total tailspin WHILE I WAS DRIVING! I tried to pull over, I was shaking, trying to ground myself, ... .anything to stop the car! BUT where ever I was trying to pull over (there was no place) he'd spew out even more horrific things... .at the top of his lungs. Ripping me apart the whole time!

I had to sit there and keep my calm... .He was saying F/U stupid, b**ch just take me home, fr'n b**ch!

Finally I screamed back... ."STUPID BI**CH WILL TAKE YOU HOME!, HERE WE GO! STUPID BI**CH WILL TAKE YOU HOME!

That shut him up to total silence... .and then he said ANYTHING so I WOULDN'T drop his ___ off at his house.

I basically threw his own words back at him at the level and tone he did to me and straight out told him I was going to ABANDON HIM all in one breath!

Borderline or not! Inexcusable verbal abuse and intimidation on his part... .that was so sick!   (I knew nothing about BPD then, but I'd do the same thing again - even if I had a PhD in BPD)

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« Reply #14 on: October 05, 2011, 04:28:31 PM »

I frequently called out my ex at the beginning of our relationship. It was my first relationship, and I was quite old, because I'd been waiting for something I felt was real. The control and manipulation amped up very quickly on her part, and I thought I could curb it if I called her out on it. What eventually happened is she convinced me I had issues and needed anger management... .and I actually went. I went to anger management because I would get angry with her when she would ask me if I wanted to see my friends and then freak out if I said I did. Or she requested a weekly schedule of my activities, and I would get angry because it's so obviously controlling. Or she would hit me when she got angry. Or break my things if I was late for something. Or any of the other awful things she'd do. But no matter, I was the one with the problem. And I, even being sensitive to being controlled and manipulated, still hoped that I could placate her and hoped she could see reason. Near the end I pretty much just shut down my personality and life to keep her happy (well, never happy. Just not mean and hurtful, the best I could hope for.) No more calling out though. It's getting out, now.
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« Reply #15 on: October 05, 2011, 04:38:36 PM »

Yes, the last time I did it it got all twisted around and used against me. I was dumped via a text message 3 days later.

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« Reply #16 on: October 05, 2011, 04:57:17 PM »

I was always straight forward with him.  I was always clear with him.  Sometimes in anger, sometimes calmly.  When done in anger... .it didn't help one bit.  When done calmly, we sometimes could talk and made some progress, but it didn't 'save' our relationship in the end.  I don't know... .years ago, I was much more passionate when I didn't really understand BPD... .but about two years in... .I finally got it... .he's not just being obtuse to piss me off.  My getting upset or speaking in a really critical manner... .just fed the disorder more, made me look and feel mean, and solved nothing.  I don't have a problem telling it like it is... .but I'm not going to keep lecturing a duck about how it should really bark and not quack.  It's not going to bark.  It's a duck.  That much I accepted a long time ago.  
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jhan6120
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« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2011, 05:01:51 PM »

I was always straight forward with him.  I was always clear with him.  Sometimes in anger, sometimes calmly.  When done in anger... .it didn't help one bit.  When done calmly, we sometimes could talk and made some progress, but it didn't 'save' our relationship in the end.  I don't know... .years ago, I was much more passionate when I didn't really understand BPD... .but about two years in... .I finally got it... .he's not just being obtuse to piss me off.  My getting upset or speaking in a really critical manner... .just fed the disorder more, made me look and feel mean, and solved nothing.  I don't have a problem telling it like it is... .but I'm not going to keep lecturing a duck about how it should really bark and not quack.  It's not going to bark.  It's a duck.  That much I accepted a long time ago.  

The very first time I calmly mentioned that perhaps she could ease up on her verbal delivery to me, she said, 'Look, I am what I am.' I have to accept now that even if she didn't know why, she was telling the truth.
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« Reply #18 on: October 05, 2011, 05:09:21 PM »

Excerpt
I was always straight forward with him.  I was always clear with him.  Sometimes in anger, sometimes calmly.  When done in anger... .it didn't help one bit.  When done calmly, we sometimes could talk and made some progress, but it didn't 'save' our relationship in the end.  I don't know... .years ago, I was much more passionate when I didn't really understand BPD... .but about two years in... .I finally got it... .he's not just being obtuse to piss me off.  My getting upset or speaking in a really critical manner... .just fed the disorder more, made me look and feel mean, and solved nothing.  I don't have a problem telling it like it is... .but I'm not going to keep lecturing a duck about how it should really bark and not quack.  It's not going to bark.  It's a duck.  That much I accepted a long time ago.   


The very first time I calmly mentioned that perhaps she could ease up on her verbal delivery to me, she said, 'Look, I am what I am.' I have to accept now that even if she didn't know why, she was telling the truth.

Yup. If it's any help... .the more we move into radical acceptance about what 'is'... .the less we suffer.  Weird, but true.

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« Reply #19 on: October 05, 2011, 08:41:40 PM »

You're right. I DID play right into the disorder's hands, exactly in the way you describe. I have to admit that. Any satisfaction I gained from 'calling her out' was short-lived and the relationship got worse. It's really humbling to admit this now.

At the time you aren't aware that you're playing into their sick mind games but yes I stood up for myself most of the time. My ex's arrogance was mind-numbing; I called him a*sshole so much that it was a part of the weekly lexicon. One early argument BPDexbf called me fat and old. Boy did I let him have it. Called him everything except a child of God. I never got a personal attack on my looks ever again.

He wanted money. I told him flat out: "NO. I don't like men who beg for money and that I find it unattractive." He asked me to buy him a motorcycle. I told him that he "should be embarrassed by wanting to financially rely on a woman."  I told him that a man can't call himself a man unless he has a job. I swear I was like the mom this man never had. I was loving, nurturing and affectionate but still tough as nails. Sometimes he'd badger me to death for simple things and he'd win; but for the most part I feel like the entire relationship was about teaching him how to respect me.

There were a lot of slammed doors (me telling him to get the hell out and stay out), me walking out on him as his started stupid arguments (I literally walked out as he yelled at the air... ) and both of us texted terrorism. We always made up with rock star sex. He'd always either apologized and/or admitted that he argued only because he cared and that he didn't want me to leave him. He told me he admired my toughness and wished his mother was a tough as me. ? ? ? ?.  The push and pull was so toxic and addictive.

Whatever. It still didn't stop his BPD crazy: the need for control, the jealousy, the lies, cheating, triangulation (read definition) and when it ended a nasty smear campaign about me to boot.

In its own weird way I believe me standing up for myself kept him around longer than normal. His life is a wasteland of 2 months tops relationships. I was his longest consistent relationship. Ten whopping months of crazy. His entitlement?  Astronomical. I gave him his own medicine constantly cause I could tell that he was so used to getting his way. He was such a world class brat that I told him what was missing from his childhood was a good a*ss whipping.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  

He admitted to using women for whatever he could get and bolting. He even admitted that women have paid him for sex.    He had such low regard for women... .such a GIANT  |>

Now that I know how sick he is I have regrets for the mean things I've said but for the most part no shame, guilt or worry. We hurt each other and I can't take it back. At the time I felt like I had to defend myself; otherwise he would have taken the biggest crap on me and walked away. And quite honestly on my mean days they deserve everything that comes their narcissistic way. I'm from the old school and if you can dish it then you'd better be able to take it. Crazy or not.

HG

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« Reply #20 on: October 05, 2011, 09:28:52 PM »

You're right. I DID play right into the disorder's hands, exactly in the way you describe. I have to admit that. Any satisfaction I gained from 'calling her out' was short-lived and the relationship got worse. It's really humbling to admit this now.

At the time you aren't aware that you're playing into their sick mind games but yes I stood up for myself most of the time. My ex's arrogance was mind-numbing; I called him a*sshole so much that it was a part of the weekly lexicon. One early argument BPDexbf called me fat and old. Boy did I let him have it. Called him everything except a child of God. I never got a personal attack on my looks ever again.

He wanted money. I told him flat out: "NO. I don't like men who beg for money and that I find it unattractive." He asked me to buy him a motorcycle. I told him that he "should be embarrassed by wanting to financially rely on a woman."  I told him that a man can't call himself a man unless he has a job. I swear I was like the mom this man never had. I was loving, nurturing and affectionate but still tough as nails. Sometimes he'd badger me to death for simple things and he'd win; but for the most part I feel like the entire relationship was about teaching him how to respect me.

There were a lot of slammed doors (me telling him to get the hell out and stay out), me walking out on him as his started stupid arguments (I literally walked out as he yelled at the air... ) and both of us texted terrorism. We always made up with rock star sex. He'd always either apologized and/or admitted that he argued only because he cared and that he didn't want me to leave him. He told me he admired my toughness and wished his mother was a tough as me. ? ? ? ?.  The push and pull was so toxic and addictive.

Whatever. It still didn't stop his BPD crazy: the need for control, the jealousy, the lies, cheating, triangulation (read definition) and when it ended a nasty smear campaign about me to boot.

In its own weird way I believe me standing up for myself kept him around longer than normal. His life is a wasteland of 2 months tops relationships. I was his longest consistent relationship. Ten whopping months of crazy. His entitlement?  Astronomical. I gave him his own medicine constantly cause I could tell that he was so used to getting his way. He was such a world class brat that I told him what was missing from his childhood was a good a*ss whipping.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  

He admitted to using women for whatever he could get and bolting. He even admitted that women have paid him for sex.    He had such low regard for women... .such a GIANT  |>

Now that I know how sick he is I have regrets for the mean things I've said but for the most part no shame, guilt or worry. We hurt each other and I can't take it back. At the time I felt like I had to defend myself; otherwise he would have taken the biggest crap on me and walked away. And quite honestly on my mean days they deserve everything that comes their narcissistic way. I'm from the old school and if you can dish it then you'd better be able to take it. Crazy or not.

HG

I too have regrets but no shame. I would be ashamed if I’d never stuck up for myself. Unfortunately, sticking up for oneself is wasted on someone with a serious emotional disorder. All it does is trigger them. It’s tough to admit that what I was dealing with was BIGGER than me.

You know, I started this thread just to hem and haw, and I actually learned something. Go figure. 
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waterlily9
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 84


« Reply #21 on: October 05, 2011, 11:22:27 PM »

I understand. This confrontational behavior occurs at the end of every BPD relationship for a reason. Borderline personality disorder is actually a very orderly progression of events that Borderlines use to drive (push) people away but also keep people (clinging) attached by a thread. That thread is utilized and pulled in many ways that are very successful to a Borderline, whether it's sex, rescue, narcissistic mirroring, etc. Whatever is successful will be used when the withdrawing object gets a little too far away or tries to detach. The push/pull of the relationship is helped by the drama triangle, because Borderlines cannot stand being alone. They feel that they will die of unbearable loneliness unless they have an idealized parent figure- Since they are part time children (angry/abandoned) they must use other parentified "selves" (that's you) to adhere to in order to feel whole.

It is your parentified "self" that is used by the Borderline for rescuing (split good and idealized) as well as persecuting (split bad and persecuted) thereby making your true "self" victimized. This is a core issue from childhood. It's your desire of the parentifed "self" that needs to be investigated in the aftermath of a relationship with a Borderline- especially when you were so comfortable upon the pedestal in the beginning and in the end you were found on the ground, dirty and spit on- feeling powerless.  This feels personal and makes you angry- and it can fester. As they say, resentment is like taking a poison pill and expecting the other person to die. In time the anger will either eat you alive or it will *fade* and a new realization will occur, one that accepts that there was nothing that you could have done to change the outcome from what has happened and nothing that was done to you personally that the Borderline didn't do to everyone else in their life. It wasn't your fault. Repeat after me, it WASN'T your fault. It's a disorder.

Understanding the anger is your first step to getting beyond and discovering that reality involves these uncomfortable feelings about loss of control and loss of fantasy and while reality is depressing, the fantasy of this person changing and truthfully understanding their own disorder is only a fantasy.  While your memories of this person are bittersweet, do temper with your own understanding that they will never, ever give you the apology that you need- and that's O.K.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thank you for writing this... .it makes sense to me and really hit home.
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zoso80
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 294


« Reply #22 on: October 05, 2011, 11:35:32 PM »

I called mine out for what she'd done to her children.

The boy was an angry parentified child. A 13 year-old little old man with victim complex. Whos job it was to take care of his mommy and raise "his" daughter SD8.

SD8 was the painted black child. The boy had screamed in her face as a 4 year old that all the family's problems were because of her. SD8 was almost 2 years behind in emotional and cognitive development. She was "me" in the words of DxBPDgf.

When I told DxBPDgf that that SHE and HER mental health issues had caused this in her children she LOST it. Primal scream. I mean primal!  She started yanking clumps of hair from her temples. I stood there speechless.

She couldn't even comprehend that she'd created this. Didn't even want to face it. She was a perfect mommy. I didn't know what I do today, but I knew enough that her behaviors had caused this.

It was thrown in my face later. "My mother has spent years telling me I'm a good mother. You've undone all that."   I never said bad, I highlighted the mental health issues and the affects it had on the children.

Projecting at me. Couldn't see what I was really saying. Just used it as a weapon. Typical BPD. You almost can't talk to a BPD because the filter which say the world is strained through their emotions which sees phantoms constantly and triggers them.

*sigh*
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