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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: How to confront rage.  (Read 1632 times)
harlemgurl
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« on: October 12, 2011, 10:58:07 PM »

Hey Family. Hi!

This post is kinda complex. I've been out of the BPD dysfunctional dance about 7 months and have only recently begun to put the spotlight of healing on myself. I'm now reflecting more on the dysfunctional belief systems I grew up with and dealing with the even heavier work of confronting my own emotional demons. *Deep Heavy Sigh*. This feels like the fight of my life. Facing the repressed thoughts of what has been festering in my heart for all of these years is has been downright painful. All I want to do is run and hide.

One of the revelations that I've made is that my BPDexbf is an emotional replica of my mother.

My mom is the original invalidator. My mom is the original silent punisher. My mother is the original toxic relationship. Now I see clearly how I became so enmeshed and bonded with my BPDex. This realization is soul crushing.

I'm now realizing that I've been carrying around a huge amount of rage and it's a source of embarrassment for me because I am very uncomfortable with owning how others have hurt me. I want to lash out and break things and I'm ready to blow up like a stick of dynamite. There's so much repressed anger inside and I am frightened by it.  

This BPD breakup has made me realize that acting like I'm not hurt or angry is no longer and option for me. This time around acting like "it didn't hurt" or that I was "ok" nearly killed me. I can't pretend by sticking my head in the sand anymore. The little girl fantasy of having a loving, caring, validating mother is over. The little girl fantasy of having an emotional rescuer in love has died.

What are some your suggestions to confront this overflow of rage? If you all can share your insight this would be great.
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« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2011, 11:15:11 PM »

HG, I think that if anyone is raging the best thing to do is vacate the area... .

FWIW, Vulnerable Narcissists are loving, caring and validating. They also stick their noses in everybody elses business but their own and become very controlling of the outcome of drama. They are the epitome of emotional rescuers and busy themselves in the act of rescuing- sometimes becoming fickle when they sense that someone else needs them more than the earliest first victim- consequently they have a tendency to favor people that are needy over people that are not. Because of this they dont have many close friends who aren't screwed up in some way.

Altruists:

like to be seen as giving and friendly.

tend to confuse love with pity.

get upset when the victim doesn't respond with gratitude or do what they say.

See themselves as fulfilling a need that others cannot manage- but really wanting a perfect mirroring of one up/one down relationships.

Think of themselves as "Empaths."

Are you certain that your Mother was an altruist N rather than a Borderline?

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« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2011, 11:20:15 PM »

HG,

I'm kind of in the same boat. The four most significant rs in my life, and my mother, are all daughters of alchoholics. They all need to control. I'm trying to figure out how to "own" my anger and rage in a healthy way. Anger isn't necessarily bad. It's how we choose to deal with it that can be bad. As a man, I've been told so flippin' many times that "anger bad, gentle good". Well, there's nothing wrong with the anger as long as we don't allow it to hurt ourselves and/or others. Anger turned inward is depression, and that's exactly what I was feeling with my stbxw.

It's time to own my anger, let it out in a healthy fashion, and be done with it. I need to let go of resentment I have towards the people who negatively affected the women I have loved. Time to release. I hope you can do the same. Own it, live it, acknowledge it, release it. Start living again!
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« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2011, 11:45:29 PM »

For me... .rage becomes a toxic cancer as it is quite different from anger. There is no good home for rage.

My rage comes from intense shame, pain and hurt and lack of options... .trauma. One reason I broke up this time is because I knew that if I stayed, the rage would one day take over and honestly, we may have been short one BPD on the planet as a result. As a refugee from Detroit, violence was an everyday  occurrence and my default under extreme provocation/stress. I wouldn't trust myself if rage was constantly activated.

So... .

I try to feel the pain and hurt. If I cannot access it I watch movies to do so.

I write... .memoirs, music, letters never sent, etc.

I think of forgiveness. I understand that this relationship was a repetition compulsion that brought to the surface old shame, anger and helpless trapped feelings. I read. Yak with friends on phone. Go to analysis 4x a week and school. Play in rock band to let off steam. Go to gym and move f&(king heavy weights around.

Rage comes from lack of control also. We cannot control what happened to us a long time ago, we can't make someone love us. Betrayal and disappointment and self-loathing for having feelings of needing someone desperately  (even though we tell ourselves we don't) and a lifetime of living a pseudo stoic life... .Rage.

"I can handle it" are the four most dangerous words for any kind of addict/compulsive to say... .

I can NOT handle abusive, chaotic, mean, moody, alcoholic, sex addicted, controlling people.
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« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2011, 11:53:22 PM »

Hey 2010,

I corrected the post. But I'm certain my mother isn't a borderline. She's way too emotionally detached to be one. My BPD ex was affectionate, loving/romantic/loved hugs to sadistic/evil/spiteful/mean spirited. To be honest I don't know what my mother's diagnosis is. I just know that she isn't loving, affectionate, nurturing nor validating (she's always complaining, gossiping or criticizing) and that I grew up starving for a healthier version of her. She's plays the role of victim to a tee, blames everyone for her problems and is pretty much a hermit when she isn't working. Over the years I've normalized her dysfunction but I honestly have stayed away from her for the last 3 years. Her home is toxic and pretty much devoid of anything emotionally healthy.

I guess I wrote this post because my fear is that I'm going to have to cut her out of my life like I did my BPDex. I feel extreme guilt in no longer being able to tolerate her emotional toxicity. I'm torn and I feel like I'm throwing out the baby with the bath water. It's like... .I know my mother loves and cares for me but she has the shi*tiest way of showing it.

HG
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« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2011, 12:38:38 AM »

FYI... .

the "Borderline Hermit" does indeed exist... .

But it doesn't do much good to label since it doesn't change the facts.

Someone who is not emotionally responsive, whether it is because of alcoholism, detachment/dissociation, depression, borderline moods, etc... .will have a profound impact on the child.

If you have never read Alice Miller's ":)rama of the Gifted Child" you may like what you get from that book... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2011, 01:22:58 AM »

Excerpt
One reason I broke up this time is because I knew that if I stayed, the rage would one day take over and honestly, we may have been short one BPD on the planet as a result.

I can relate SooDone... .Miller's book is very good, and maybe even M. Scott Peck's People of the Lie.


Yes, HG, your mother could be a BPD hermit and of course you would feel guilt if you cut her out of your life. If you have to to save yourself and find yourself, then that's what you will do.

As for rage: I indulge in very wicked fantasies. Also I have found that dancing lessons totally gets me out of pain and rage and that I am able now to affect my emotions as a result of meditation, which I have been doing now for about three months. It kicks in pretty quick. This is not to say that I don't have them but that it helps me manage them and I think has other benefits as well. If you want more info, let me know.

Diotima
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« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2011, 03:58:06 AM »

Your post could be my life at the moment except my ex is exactly my father and I am exactly like my mother - a silent, placator.

Firstly your anger is justified and I too go through stages of just wanting to blow - sit with it because it will help you see clarity.

I had never heard of BPD until I met my ex - now I realize my father is most likely UBPD - completey self absorbed and see nothing but himself.

My r/s with my family was extremely enmeshed and since splitting from my ex my father triggers not only my feelings about my ex but also my entire belief system and values - my father is a huge boundary buster.

I am grieving now that I am no contact with my father - I am grieving that I don't have the supportive and protective father I want nor did I have a validating childhood - I got angry. The anger felt unnatural because like 2010 mentioned I am an AN - I was not permitted to be angry as a child so went silent instead for the fear of being abandoned and abused.

So at 38 I got mad! Permit yourself to be mad/angry - ride it because you were so used to masking - on the other side is acceptance. I feel a little guilt being NC with dad (he use to call me twice a day) but tough - I need to heal and all he was wanting is me to fix and placate. Not on!

Set firm boundaries with your mum - and set up consequences if she busts your boundaries - whether it be hang up or walk away.

I was taught to be the good girl and not buck the system - I am now working on being assertive and honoring my beliefs and values - the anger subsides because I am not longer having to be in defense mode - defense mode is stifling and we get stuck on the anger. Anger is just a grandiose version of assertiveness - YOU will find balance and your middle ground.
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« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2011, 08:00:30 AM »

. But I'm certain my mother isn't a borderline. She's way too emotionally detached to be one. My BPD ex was affectionate, loving/romantic/loved hugs to sadistic/evil/spiteful/mean spirited. To be honest I don't know what my mother's diagnosis is. I just know that she isn't loving, affectionate, nurturing nor validating (she's always complaining, gossiping or criticizing) and that I grew up starving for a healthier version of her. She's plays the role of victim to a tee, blames everyone for her problems and is pretty much a hermit when she isn't working. Over the years I've normalized her dysfunction but I honestly have stayed away from her for the last 3 years. Her home is toxic and pretty much devoid of anything emotionally healthy.

HG

Hey HG.  Sounds like your mom and mine could be twins.  Not sure what my mother's diagnosis was, but would say it fell into the "OMG something's severely wrong here" category. My sis and I used to call her the black hole, because she was just so demanding of everyone.  Made everyone's life hell including us girls, my dad and 2 stepfathers.  BPD/NPD?  Who knows.  I too grew up starving for a healthy, loving mother, and pretty much dedicated my life to being anything but her.  Where she was demanding and neglectful, I became the caretaker, where she was a harpy and a shrew, I became gentle and quiet.  Where she only worked enough to survive, I became an overachiever.  I became the anti-mom.

Sad thing is over and over again I wound up with the same kind of people (trying to work out those issues and get the love and care, and validation I craved, I guess), and I wound up exhausted, used and abused.

The last r/s brought the need to change to the fore and I've been working on that since. 

As for the anger, I've felt it too, and it's been huge.  That's from putting up and shutting up, and stuffing down a lifetime worth of hurt and pain and that sense of injustice over being neglected and mistreated.  It had to come bubbling up sooner or later and be dealt with.  Exercise is very good for a healthy way to disperse anger. 

I'm still working on it myself, and working on finding a healthy balance in life, better discernment of the quality and temperament of others, and creating new boundaries for myself.  The sad thing is that being loving and giving are often seen as signs of weakness and being a "doormat".  Not so.  There's much strength in love.  Guess that's just the perception of people who can't appreciate real care. 
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« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2011, 08:12:26 AM »

HG - I am in a similar position.  After being in therapy since December - I realize my BPDbf was an emotional replica of my mom who was both neglectful and extremely controlling. I have felt more rage in the last year than ever as all of my repressed anger and hurt has come to the surface.  But through all of those emotions have come answers - why relationships are hard for me - why I was so desperately seeking approval from someone abusing me.  In those answers, I found the thing that makes me calmer - I can control my own life going forward.

It is a painful realization to understand how deficient your parents were - the labels don't matter but now I think my mom was BPD/NPD.  It is an even more painful realization to understand you have been subsconsciously sabotaging yourself as an adult.  But there is good news here - with knowledge comes the power to change and that can be a huge relief.

One thing that has helped me is radical acceptance.  My childhood is in the past, what happened is what happened.  I've been angry and I've grieved my lost childhood but now it is time to move on.  Finally, in middle age, I can control how to process it.  I've decided to go LC with my parents and I've decided not to discuss my childhood or why I am LC with them because they are incapable of seeing it my way or apologizing and if I bring it up, it will just trigger more blame and spew from them.  Going LC with toxic people decreases the toxicity in my life.  I've also decided that since I will never have a supportive family, I need to create my own.  So, I joined a couple of women's groups to start making new friends and I have been trying to refresh old relationships.  I am not ready for dating again but am thinking about it.  I want to feel secure in my new emotional place before I start testing how successful I have been in turning around my thinking.

I've read a lot on this site about "getting stuck" in a state of anger/rage.  In my case, I was angry for a long time because I had a lot to process and a lot to be angry about.  It has taken me months to process the end of my BPD relationship but even more all the toxicity in my life that led to my bad relationship.  We are all different with extremely different experiences and emotional processing.  My unprofessional view is that you can't really control your emotions but you can control what you do about them.  If you believe you are stuck - I think you need to work with a good therapist to get past the roadblock.

The good news is that I am really feeling better and in control of my life again.  I am looking forward to new days and a new life armed with knowledge about myself and a toolkit of coping skills.  I still have days of anger/rage but they are much less now and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  You will reach this point too - in the time that is appropriate for your situation. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2011, 11:42:19 AM »

Hey Sis ... .we're family, right?   ;-)    Hi!

Your mother may not be "perfect" (who is?), but I am sure she tried in her own way to love and care for you the best she knows how.  Surely your mother had moments of being wonderful and loving, so don't kill the fantasy.  Instead, revise the fantasy a little and let it live on by choosing to remember the good moments she gave.  It sounds like your mother has her own set of issues stemming from who knows when, therefore, she is/was only capable of giving you so much.  Perhaps your mother did not get sufficient love, care and validation growing up, how then would she know how to give it?  

Be angry not with her, but with her illness (or circumstances).  Rage and I are pretty good friends and the one thing I can say is, as others have mentioned, allow yourself to feel it.  Surpressing rage only causes more of it.

I'm no expert on how to reduce anger and rage, but if you view your mother as someone who is the victim of deficient love and care, the rage may subside into pity leading you to sympathize and/or empathize for her instead.

I would not cut your mother out of your life despite how rocky the relationship is.  At the end of the day you only have one mother in this life.  Boyfriends can be replaced, mothers cannot.  You will probably never know the pain and hurt your mother feels inside, so turn that rage into sympathy and give her love, care and validation in return.  She brought you into this world, don't give up on her!
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« Reply #11 on: October 13, 2011, 04:55:37 PM »

  It's like... .I know my mother loves and cares for me but she has the shi*tiest way of showing it.

hg,   

we can't give away what we don't have.

your mother is the original "invalidator", "punisher" and "toxic relationship" because that's what she knows how to be. she can't give you love and affection when there is none of these inside of her.

what happens when you squeeze an orange? you get orange juice right? any chance of apple juice? grapefruit juice? no. why? when you squeeze an orange and get orange juice, it's because THATS WHATS INSIDE. does it matter who does the squeezing? no. you will always get orange juice from an orange.

the same applies to people. if what you get is anger, bitterness, fear, hatred, unloving, ect., it's because that's what's inside the person. it doesn't matter who "squezzes" the person, you will ALWAYS get what's inside.

hg, sometimes we have to give ourselves what we wish we could get from someone else.

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« Reply #12 on: October 13, 2011, 05:00:47 PM »

HG: After reading WWW's post, I have some further comments about my experience. When I was younger I was very hurt by my mother's lack of empathy and often sadistic comments. In time I realized that she simply didn't know any better. I stopped communicating with her for about four years. She asked my sister what was going on and my sister told her that she (my mother) said things that hurt my feelings and tried to explain it to her. I don't think she ever really figured it out but she did try harder. I am probably quite a bit  older than you. I did resume communications and had total responsibility for my mother the last five years of her life. It was very hard because of dementia. However, in the end I felt close to her--at least as close as possible. She died this last May. So, I think each person has to work out how to deal with this. I knew when I was younger that I needed to be pretty much NC for awhile for my own well-being.

Diotima
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« Reply #13 on: October 13, 2011, 05:28:51 PM »

i wish i'd written what whywhywhy did, so i don't have a lot to contribute, but i want to echo his sentiments exactly.

this isn't a problem i relate to, if anything there hasn't been enough anger in my process. i assure you i'd rather be walking around bitter and pissed off than sad/aloof/etc.

but i suspect like all of the cluster of feelings and thoughts we all go through, this one must be felt, processed and worked through, and remember its OKAY. if your rage actually causes you to act out vengefully, then we've got a problem.

i think every emotion can be vented healthily. writing has actually helped me channel some anger. i write prose. after every breakup, i've gone through a phase where i compose roughly ten pieces of prose. the process has begun in this case, although it's all come to me very slowly. it's hard to explain what i get out of it, all at once, but its huge. i can FEEL again. i feel on top of the world looking down. i feel, what i think, is a healthy sense of revenge. i feel like i've gotten the final say. like i've verbally kicked my exes ass. like the truth is finally out. the results also bring a tremendous sense of pride and confidence back. i feel excitement and enjoyment. i feel productive.

so if there's one thing i can suggest in confronting rage at a borderline, it's to write, write, write.
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« Reply #14 on: October 14, 2011, 04:00:37 PM »

Hey Harlemgurl  Hi!,

No one but you knows how your mother makes you feel inside. And only you know how much damage she has done and continues to do in your life. I don't think anyone, but you can determine whether or not you should go NC or LC with your mother. Yes, she is your mother and yes you only have one, but does that give her carte blanche to treat you like an emotional pin cushion and not respect you as an individual for the rest of her life? I don't think so.

IMO, going NC can lead to more drama and have the opposite effect than you intend sometimes. My mother, whom I feel is NPD, and maybe this helps explain why i have been so drawn to r/s with pbd my entire life. I too, shared your fantasy of an "emotional rescuer" and in fact I still do, but I'm just coming to realize that the rescuer I have been searching for is actually me. And I too, have had to let the fantasy of a truly loving and nurturing mother die. I am LC with my mother who up until recently would insist on talking to each of her six children "at least once a day".  By stepping outside of our toxic mother/son r/s, I can see her NPD behavior for what it is, tell myself that sht has absolutely nothing to do with me and existed long before I came to be, and calm by reflex to her emotional string-pulling. I love her, but have evicted her from being a significant factor in my emotional well-being.

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« Reply #15 on: October 14, 2011, 06:17:53 PM »

Sometimes physical methods help... .

I've spent a bit of time breaking empty beer bottles against concrete walls while screaming myself hoarse. Smiling (click to insert in post) (Ah, college days).

Seeing how much damage I can do with a sledgehammer is also pretty calming, and also tiring. 

Sometimes, just beating against a wall has helped me get over my fear of expressing anger.

--Argyle
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« Reply #16 on: October 14, 2011, 08:44:39 PM »

I have rage at my mother and father and the entire violent neighborhood I grew up in... .and am sure I was taking some of out on my ex.

what makes these breakups difficult is that they unwittingly "tease" us and lure us with the promise of love and commitment and then take it away. On some level I am sure many of our parents did the same tease.

Have you tried to take a bone away from a dog? NO WAY are you going to get that bone. That's how we react when the BPD withdraws their original personality from us... .we fight to try to get it back and become enraged when it not only is gone, but someone else "gets the bone, " so to speak.

This triggers all kinds of memories for me from being abruptly rejected by my only playmate because I was not an orthodox jew and his parents made him ignore me (age 6), to my mother "checking out" of life into despair, fury, and alcoholism with my father's cheating, to my father's sudden change of attitude towards me as I became a teen and had my own opinions etc. Damn right I am pissed, or was pissed. The BPD let me feel that crap all over again and FINALLY I have learned to think of what's in my best interest and stop thinking that "I can handle" things that are just wrong for me.

My analyst yesterday said that these ambivalent relationships are the hardest to get over because you end up flipping from love to hate and back again... .and he said 3 months is no time at all to expect myself to get over a breakup of this type. He said that I think I should be able to turn off feelings and thoughts like a faucet shuts off... .I said "Yes. That would be nice."
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« Reply #17 on: October 14, 2011, 09:37:15 PM »

Excerpt
Have you tried to take a bone away from a dog? NO WAY are you going to get that bone.

Thanks for chiming in on this SD, and for reminding me (us) that three months is not a lot of time to get over an r/s like this. I am truly sorry for the next woman who gets the bone, so to speak.

Diotima
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« Reply #18 on: October 15, 2011, 10:20:44 AM »

Thank you all for your heartfelt replies.

               :'( :'(  

I knew in my heart that I wasn't alone in this struggle of dealing with the conflicting feelings of parents who only did what they knew. It's been a struggle to accept that parents can love in a variety of ways. I wanted a June Cleave/Claire Huxtable type of mom. I needed a mom who validated her children; she couldn't. But it doesn't mean my mom doesn't love me. It just means she did what she knew best. It's hard to swallow because my mom is still this very same emotionally closed person. Things haven't changed and I doubt they ever will. There's no closure in dealing with negativity. My only option is creating a healthy boundary.

*Deep Sigh* I've come to accept that love has many faces. Some healthy; some not. Mom's isn't healthy and neither was BPDex.

I know parents aren't perfect. They are human first and come with the same baggage and struggles that were ingrained in them from their parents. It's all cyclical.

In my heart I know my mother loves me; just like my BPDex did but love from an emotionally stunted person just leaves you starved. Reteaching yourself how to fill your own voids is HARD. This is work that I never wanted to do. This is work I never wanted to have to sign up for. Why me?

I'm in the beginning stages of learning how to assert myself when my feelings are hurt by asking the person's intent. I feel its a healthier and more effective communication strategy that will keep me from allowing things to stew and fester. Communication will never be perfect but at least I know from here on out that I won't allow years and years of pent up feelings to make me sick. Practicing this is a huge victory for me.

As for mom I have kept my distance; but I realize that I've done the distance thing as a passive aggressive stance of punishing her. My hope is that it would make her change. It hasn't.  This has been my maladaptive coping mechanism.  I realize now that I did the same with my ex. I still struggle immensely with accepting people for who they are. In my naive child mind I ask myself: Why would people want to be bad? Why wouldn't people want to change if nobody wanted to be around them? How could people not see the negativity inside of themselves and want to change it? Why do I want to control others? Why do I feel this need to fix what's broken inside of others instead of focusing on myself?



I'm healing tremendously thanks to this board and therapy. I have to realize that I'm no longer the little helpless girl stuck in a situation where I had to rely on toxic people to survive. I'm an adult now and I have the tools to break the unhealthy (yet very familiar) bonds.

Thanks again to all of you. You all don't know how your honesty, your laughter, and your pain have been such a healing force in my life. As for dealing with rage I plan on taking a couple of boxing classes to get it out of my system. And as for love I'm finally starting to accept that you can love people and not have them in your life. This was a bitter pill for me to swallow but it allows me to not feel bad about loving people who have hurt me. I can love them cause it feels good to love them but know that I love me more and won't tolerate abuse.

Ahhhh... .there's so much to learn about me... .and life... .

HG
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« Reply #19 on: October 15, 2011, 10:39:50 AM »

harlemgurl, you're going to be just fine Smiling (click to insert in post). you're clearly equipped with good common sense, and everything you truly need to know is inside you, and you already know it. it's all a matter of internalizing it.

it's important, and a great sign that you realize your mother loves you to the extent she's able. that's half the battle. you're not living your life wondering "why doesn't my mother love me and how can i get her to"? which is huge.

it's just all a sign of solidarity and strength at your core, i think. your insight, and everything you're doing will get you to where you need to be Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #20 on: October 17, 2011, 08:58:10 AM »

I hear you HG. I was feeling a lot of rage myself for a while. I broke it off for good with my ex-BPDgf in an absolute blind rage. I lived in that rage for a week before it settled into normal anger. What I have to be careful about now is that I don't get caught in rumination. I can stay in rumination for a long time, even years. No healing happens for me in that 'neighborhood,' just intellelectualization, finger pointing, and hiding from myself.

I hid in rumination for three years after my divorce and my father's death. That was the setup for me to get involved with a BPD. I was ripe for the picking. Those three years I should have been working on myself and growing, I was 'caved up.' Eventually, I became depressed, lonely and restless. Then, I purposely went out and found someone sicker than me so I didn't have to look at my own problems.

That's the real TRUTH of my actions, and it HURTS LIKE HELL to look at it. It kills my pride and my ego. I wasted three years, from ages 38 to 41, and then went out and found EXACTLY what I was looking for. Someone crazier than me.

I'm working really, really hard not to beat myself up about this. I need to learn and move forward. But God it hurts.

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« Reply #21 on: October 17, 2011, 09:46:56 AM »

HG et al. sadly I can relate to all of your lives       ... and I love what jhan contributed... .RUMINATION... it is only in the last couple of days that I realized how much kept fueling my decades old anger and rage which I thought was resolved but that exploded with my uBPH husband.  

Years of anger and utilization of behaviors learned from my uNPD dad and uBPD mom (sisters agree on this) helped me deal with my shock at having married "the perfect replica of my mom and dad intertwined".  My parents divorced over 25 years ago but I managed to get them back together in the form of my husband,  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

And since I've been practicing yoga religously for some time and also going to therapy once I was introduced to BPD and this board the light became so bright that I had to force the shades back on.  An old coping strategy, if you get my drift.  And as I became aware of my own contribution to my continued chaos with my spouse I too started to wonder what type of person must I be? And then somewhere I read/heard about resentment and how it keeps you stuck but that sometimes anger is helpful in that it gets you unstuck.  So I've come to appreciate my anger/rage which was intense for 6 years as necessary for me to survive the life I ended up living with my uBPH spouse.  And then I finally reached a point where I could let go of it and let go of the ego for my only desire became peace so my kids can have a better life.

And sadly that means LC with my mom who I used to speak with daily ("Why are you so stupid? Can't you see what you are doing?  Remember when your Dad and I went to... .we never fought like you and your husband; we were good parents. What happened to you? Maybe you will feel better if you go to a mental instituition or were a lawyer like your sister but you could never do well in school... blah blah blah."  I've learned like many of you that I engaged in these conversations not really listening to her words because I was so desperate to feel close to her (and my Dad) so I looked pass the abuse.  And I kept those shades on when I first got together with my spouse.

It's kind of a relief that they are off but it also means learning a new way of coping with life's curveballs.  Yoga helps me tremendously as is keeping the focus on my own personal self-growth and my kids.  Thank you all for sharing and helpingme understand more about my own life and how RUMINATIONS is a coping tool that keeps the shades on instead of taking them off and enjoying the sunlight.  ; Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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