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Author Topic: No Tears  (Read 931 times)
KHC_33
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« on: October 25, 2013, 02:53:10 PM »

Today I did a lot of self evaluation. Seeing where I was and where I am now. Part of me still struggles with crying (lately I haven't been able to show it). It is almost like I am stone walled deep in my emotions. I have someone that deeply loves me and yet I feel this push pull in-between myself and all the lies I was fed for so long. The abuse that said no other guy would want you. The line goes all the way back to when you are a little child never having your emotional needs met, never having someone be there as a parent to protect you. Fending for yourself and being the adult in the relationship aka caregiver. Now I can't even be that. I can only be me. My identity has been shaken and stripped ... .now I am learning to redefine myself, who I am, where I stand, (I am struggling to grasp it all) what I feel... .I was taught to feel a certain way, I was told to act even went against my own self... .

The more I dig deeper the more ugly it gets. I know it wasn't my fault as a child ... no one ever asks to be in those circumstances. Even as a young 16 year old trying to find her way out, having two children wasn't the way the way to go... .it could have been so much worse. My entire self was completely destroyed. I am starting to realize just how much I believed.

How do you as a person handle this? Layers upon layers? How does if effect the relationships around you? When did you know you were able to successfully heal? Even when you have something so healthy you still feel you don't deserve it.
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froggy
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« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2013, 04:56:52 PM »

KHC_31

I'm in the same place you are... .realizing that it has been a very long time since I have had a sense of self... .have to dig very deep... scary to think you've lived your whole life being what you think someone wants you to be.

I had a thought today that I have lived my whole 50 years of life in a BPD toxic mess... first my dad then my husband. It came to me that the thought of normal might just scare me... .I know this dance so well I don't even have to think where my feet are... I know the dance by heart.

Maybe when I give the attention to the lonely child that she needs... learn that I'm NOT unlovable or worthless I'll beable to learn the new dance of normal. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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KHC_33
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« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2013, 05:56:03 PM »

Froggy,

It is funny how that is exactly how I feel. I think apart of us wants to heal but unsure of the consequences we will face. We have all been told, forced, manipulated, humiliated, isolated and ostracized.

It is like we second guess all of our judgments, thinking, patterns, opinions, everything we do. Will it bring positive or negative? Even when it is positive we are left dumbfounded. Thinking this isn't what used to be.

It is essentially being born again... .only we have years of unlearning to do. Start from baby when we couldn't tend or our needs. Then from toddler when we could only crawl.

These are all the things that I am learning.
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winston72
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« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2013, 06:05:06 PM »

Hey KHC and Froggy... .great stuff.  I am at the edge of some of these realizations myself.  I was about to write that I am "wrestling" with some of these issues, but wrestle would imply that I have a well defined opponent.  In fact, as you post, I am at the edge of awareness of my lack of sense of self.  It is the edge of nothingness... .not sure how to be, how to relate, how to live differently than I have for the past 58 years.  I was highly conditioned as a child to respond to my BPD mother and alcoholic father.  And I have been responding to other peoples needs and wishes ever since.  The BPD people in my life created the extreme conflicts that have delivered me to this point of crisis and change, but the way of living permeates all that I do.  It is, indeed, a way of living!  The BPD interactions have just exposed it via extreme frustration and pain. 

I find that I have a pretty full perspective on how I am behaving, but I am really slow to develop a vision for how I should behave going forward.  I realize as I type this that the "should" word in revealing.  That it is a process of gaining deeper contact with my inner self... .but I just struggle to understand what that means... .or how to do it.

Oh, my.  Thank you for sharing your experiences.  It is so helpful to know that others are dealing with similar area of growth.
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KHC_33
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« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2013, 07:10:22 PM »

Winston I do agree. We have to learn when life finally stand still and if we do rid of the toxic BPD people in our lives or even those that have a potential to have those BPD traits because they were subjected to it for so long. It is almost hard to separate yourself from the mirage of life (something that displays something that appears real but is not there).

Thirsting for something that you know exists, should exists, can exists and you want to exists but never being able to touch, feel, experience such.

I have finally been able to shut those that have been controlling out of my life. First my mother, then my ex, recently two friends (girlfriends) that were highly manipulative (it took no effort at all to walk away). The texts still kept coming how I needed to forgive, I forgot what God wanted etc., and that I should forgive myself - when in fact they were in the wrong. They could not justify their actions, or apologize or even see the reality of the entire situation.  I am learning to walk actually run when I see situations like these. I will not be subjected or lulled into a false sense of relationships. Tough love or not! Giving myself over (swimming across oceans) when the person wont even jump puddles for me.

I am learning to self care. By gosh it is amazing. I am learning that it is okay to rest. Take care of myself, to go enjoy life, to spoil my kids and yes to even have a 10 dollar meal by myself  without someone nagging at me that I shouldn't be doing that.

Learn to love yourself completely, utterly and unconditionally. That is the key. If you love yourself, you won't hurt yourself.
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winston72
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« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2013, 07:25:18 PM »

Wonderful post, KHC.  Thank you.

This sentence of yours really grabbed me,"It is almost hard to separate yourself from the mirage of life (something that displays something that appears real but is not there)."  I do find that I am prone to mirages, or fantasies, or just not seeing things for how they really are.  Hence the benefit of spending time on a web site called bpdfamily.com!

In my childhood of origin, I was fed a steady diet of illusions.  My mentally ill mother insisted she was a wonderful mother and we were a great family.  I believed it!  Of course we were…what else would a little think?  And it is so good to hear it from your mother.  She was a really mean, awful, troubled person.  Ugh.

It is odd for me, but I am just realizing that I spend a lot of energy making things out to be what I want them to be.  So, my ex lies to me, cheats on me, ignores me…and i insist it is a mistake, that she didn't mean to hurt me and that surely she sees how good I am and that once the realization really sinks in we will have a fantastic life.  That dream still lives within me and we really have been broken up for the better part of a year.  So powerful are my…what?  Illusions?  Hopes?  Denial mechanisms?

Your next sentence is terrific as well, "Thirsting for something that you know exists, should exists, can exists and you want to exists but never being able to touch, feel, experience such." 

I think I thirst for it so much that I just insist that it must be there even when it isn't?  Hard to know.  I wanted this past relationship (and it was nutty from the beginning, on both of our parts) to work out really badly.  So, I think I insisted on my own reality.  I was assisted by some aggressive lying and manipulating on her part, but nonetheless I drove over the cliff because I was looking for what I wanted things to be rather than being attuned to what it really was and how it was making me feel. 

So, as you say, I need to keep learning how to love myself.  That is the pathway to life, me thinks.
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Healing4Ever
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« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2013, 10:53:25 PM »

This is such a great thread, and in line with the issues I'm working on too.  I have realized that I often don't know what I want.  I'm not sure what I want to do, what makes me happy, what friends I like to spend time with, etc. etc.  I seem to have a lot of "shoulds", but those aren't helpful.  And the shoulds are tied up with assessing what things might get me the most benefit and trying to choose that option instead - like what choice will make it seem like I'm more popular (to myself - so i can feel the most loved), OR what will look like the most fun, etc., instead of just focusing on what I want and what feels good.  And there is often no one right answer because using this kind of logic means that choices can conflict.    It seems to go on and on - and gets exhausting!  If only I knew what I wanted, then at least I could just focus.  I have a therapist helping me see how often I have just done whatever pleases my partner or other people, and I'm trying to become more aware of that.  It is so ingrained though, that I seem to use the logic - "if so-and-so wants to do this, then I will be happy making them happy".  Which is a great thing to do consciously - but when it's the only guiding point, then I'm no closer to figuring myself out and acting from that place.  Somewhere along the line - starting way back with a BPD mother and alcoholic father, I never got to figure out who *I* am without being shamed for most of it.   

I don't feel like I explained that very well - I guess I'm still trying to figure it out.  Thanks for giving me a place to start to voice outside of my head the issues that are wrestling around inside my head.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

H4E
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winston72
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« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2013, 11:16:30 PM »

Whoa, H4E!  You might have taken those words right out of my head!  Pretty stunning to read such thoughts from another…thank you.  You made me happy!  Ha…just playing with the words and the concepts a bit.

BPD mother and alcoholic father and life is a struggle to know what I really want…some common circumstances and personality issues here…

Looking forward to following your progress.
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Healing4Ever
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« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2013, 05:44:28 AM »

It is like we second guess all of our judgments, thinking, patterns, opinions, everything we do. Will it bring positive or negative?

KHC_33 - I keep rereading this entire thread, and I want to comment on so many things!  I second your sentiment of second-guessing everything - people tell me I am so self-aware, that I work soo hard on myself, that they just don't have the energy or time to do the same.  However, a lot of this self-work and self-awareness comes out of feeling broken.  I can't make them understand that when you want happiness, when you believe you are broken, when *I* believe those things to my core, then I want to get better, and this in part exerts itself through all of the second guessing that I do of myself, especially as I start to feel badly about something.  Instead of just feeling sad, or lonely, or whatever the negative emotion is, I've been conditioned to try and figure out what *I* did wrong, and second-guess everything about my experience - my emotions, my reality, and my interpretations.  Then I can get into the other dynamic mentioned here on the thread - convincing myself all is fine and I've just misinterpreted a situation (even though I feel like s**t).  It's crazy-making! 

Even though I've been working hard on feeling the feelings, it is so tempting to get distracted, and then the feelings can go away for the time-being.  Often, I just slip into distraction even as I've headed off to my room to give myself time to feel!  I create the space to feel, then "quickly' log onto fb, or go to journal and read through my journal instead of writing, and before you know it my time is up and I'm off and running again. 

I have had the good experience of allowing myself to feel, and feeling the bottomless pit of sadness, or loneliness.  Feeling like it will never, ever go away.  Sobbing and crying and feeling miserable.  Even like life is not worth it.  And then, miraculously, after some time, it just starts to ebb away.  And I feel better - and the hopelessness lessons and I'm amazed.  I read somewhere that tears have stress chemicals from our body in them, so that the very act of crying helps our body release stress.  Poetic, helpful to think about when nothing else seems to be going well and the tears are coming.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Hugs to you all - this is a great thread - keep it coming 
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KHC_33
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« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2013, 11:16:50 AM »

It is hard to change your life when you have been born into a certain lifestyle. We are creatures of habit. If my great grandmother cooked a traditional roast beef a certain way, passed it down to my mother and then to me... .you don't ever quite question why she does it that "certain" way. It is in the family, it's a recipe that has been used for generations. The same ingredients, how to prepare, cook, etc. If you suddenly decided I want to try a different way of cooking roast beef, I bet you would get a few very stern stares from your family like what is wrong with our family's way? Why change it? It is so good, but is it? Is it really that good? Can it be better? Or realizing wow it was awful I never realized what "good" was until I tried something different?

We were never exposed, or given the opportunity to learn anything else but the things we were surrounded with. In less someone shows us different how are we suppose to know?

We don't.

We have our conscious, our soul, our mind... .somewhere in between when our inner being says this isn't right. Yet your mind shoots back yes it is... .it's been this way for long time how can you say it's wrong? You are silly for thinking anything differently then what you have learned. Stop being such a dreamer. There is nothing more out there.

So the battle of wills goes back and forth. You believe something but yet you never experienced it. Until you tap into question or walk into that place where you want to see that is beyond that horizon you will always be trapped into that cycle. In less you condition yourself and work on your mind that has been brainwashed for so long... .you will continue to live in that state of denial.

Those of us who have grown up in that. It wasn't our fault. Self aware is beyond and above what an average person would feel, see, perceive and understand. We are trained almost like POW ... fight until the death. Secrets die with us. We will never give up. Breaking us down to get the core of information (we train our bodies/minds to detach from everything around us and even from our very existence). We fight to just stay a live. Doesn't matter what kind of life we have... .as long as we open our eyes & our chest is still rising up and down with each breathe.

Trauma due to this is enormous. NO one person is alike, no one can ever fully comprehend what we have experienced.  There is only one way to healing is going back to where we came from ... .going against the grain with what we have been taught and learning to live piece by piece. Life's mirage has to be grieved & yes get angry. Once you past the anger there is a acceptance. Once you can accept that you have lived there is forgiveness. Not for them ... .but for you. Forgiveness towards them releases you. I hope this makes sense.
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KHC_33
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« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2013, 06:07:27 AM »

It is like we second guess all of our judgments, thinking, patterns, opinions, everything we do. Will it bring positive or negative?

KHC_33 - I keep rereading this entire thread, and I want to comment on so many things!  I second your sentiment of second-guessing everything

I get told the same thing.
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