Hi ... .
I am not in a RS to save anyone. My new partner does not need me to save her or anything like that.
Neither of us are victims ... .my question is are you ? We both made poor choices with RS's in the past and have grown. We both have moved on and are very happy together.
We are not playing some disordered game. Neither of us has had anything to do with either of our ex partners directly or indirectly for 9 months.
We are fully aware they are trying to drag us back into some drama circle and just want to be left alone. Simple as that.
Both of us have turned the cheek when repeated NC breach attempts have continued ... . between the two of us for 100 breaches of NC ... .neither of us has spoken directly to our ex's ... .communicated with them in any way or asked for this to continue. We have shown NO reaction.
Police ... been there and investigated this ... .police hate one thing above any other and thats domestic situations. Restraining orders frankly dont work and with people with a PD even less.
Yes I would agree my partner needs to deal with this issue herself.
It is however my perogative when someone is attacking my partner for whatever reason to take action. This is part of mutual support ... .not some need to save someone ... .but supporting your partner. Something healthy ... .not as you suggested something unhealthy.
Yes you may see me being backed into a corner ... .literally ... .and maybe having to take action as
an attempt to defame and punish
This sadly says to me more about you than it does about me.
Do you want to punish your ex ? I honestly couldn't care about either of them I am indifferent other than the ongoing attacks.
We sadly have been ignoring the breaches and now they have escalated was hoping I suppose for some support or constructive advice which yes continuing to ignore them is one ... .other ones yes helpful.
Stessed ? not really ... .I can see however the effect the continued rubbish is having on my partner. Do I ignore it as you suggest ? Ignore her being attacked ? If I was to do this ... .ignoring the needs to some extent of my partner in what IS a healthy relationship ... .it would then be a less than healthy relationship.
I have been in a relationship where there was no respect and no support and having found a healthy one I suppose asking what you would do ?
Believe me when I say, that the only person responsible for this is your girlfriend. Like everyone else on this board, she has to stop feeling victimized and looking for rescue (triangulating
(read definition)) and work on her own lack of boundaries with the end of a former relationship. In fact, both of you are struggling with this and are trauma bonded
Feeling ? Hmm ... .your ex for 15 years who abused you in every way you can think of turns up where you work and torments you ... .
Bit different from feeling vs a reality of him being there.
That means that she stands up to him by leaving you out of it and handling the fallout on her own.
yep ... .she has ... .up until now ... .and its escalated not diminshed. Hence my dillema ... . or as you would say its her problem not mine.
It is mine if I make it mine ... .and if as you suggest I am playing some game having not played at all for the last 9 months and 100 breaches of contact ... .some awful villifaction about what I supposidly did or she did ... .we turned the cheek to all of this ... .and instead of getting better via no action its not ... .but worse ... .I choose to possibly take action.
Simple as that.
Every relationship people come with baggage ... we all have scars and expecting an adult over the age of 40 not to have some past is stupid.
Some who have an awful RS via a BPD partner ... or past will choose to spend the rest of their lives usuing this as an excuse as to why they never get involved again.
My new partner and myself learnt and grew from our previous RS and yes it left scars but also boundaries for what we would no longer tolerate in our lives. This is one of them. A mutual belief ... .we should be allowed to live our lives unhindered by abuse.