Contacting BPD's past exes. Worth it?

[OverandDone]

Going through some items of mine I discovered an old cell phone that belonged to my exBPD (I was to take her's and a couple of my old cellphones to be recycled).  Anyhow, I discovered a treasure trove of numbers belonging to ex's and people that I know/suspect she cheated on me with at some point during our relationship.  Of those, I know of at least 3 guys that she has no contact with due to a mutual hatred.  That being said, I have contemplated contacting these individuals to discuss their experiences.  While my relationship took me to an all time low, I have made huge strides in recovery and am now more curious about what others experienced with my ex.  I realize that I might confirm my cheating suspicions, etc... .but this whole BPD thing has become very fascinating to me in an academic sort of way.   (FYI... .I am a former psych major)

So... .here are my questions:

1)  Have you ever considered contacting the exes of your exBPD?

2)  What would the biggest disadvantages of initiating contact be?

3)  For those that actually did weigh the pros vs. cons and decided to make contact, was it worth it?

[newworld]

but this whole BPD thing has become very fascinating to me in an academic sort of way.   (FYI... .I am a former psych major)

So... .here are my questions:

1)  Have you ever considered contacting the exes of your exBPD?

2)  What would the biggest disadvantages of initiating contact be?

3)  For those that actually did weigh the pros vs. cons and decided to make contact, was it worth it?

Academics? So, this 'research" has no personal side to it?   ;p  

dearest psych major, what does it say about you that you can couch your curiosity in being "academically interested?"     

How many people post here complaining about pathological behaviors of "triangulation (read definition)" and 'stalking" and "recycling", and then do the same thing as you are proposing to do here?

What's this REALLY about?

[OverandDone]

Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as this being purely a science experiment.  There is absolutely a personal side to it... .validation.  I despise the unknown and, as we all know, relationships with BPDs have a tendency to leave all of us perplexed.  Between reading this forum and discussing BPD with professionals I have many questions about how events transpired.  I'm also interested in how it relates to others' experiences.  While these forums have certainly provided some insight into the behavior patterns of pwBPD, my situation was as unique as the person I was with.  Conversely, who else would better know what I might have experienced than the people who came before/after me? 

So why do I care?  Because I want to make sense of what happened and to avoid a similar situation in the future.  Knowledge is power.  So they say... .  :-D

[newworld]

mmmmmmmm... .

So, you are feeling crazy made and are doubting your sanity and perception of reality?

well, either you are experiencing psychosis or you are getting over a BPD relationship! 

I get this too.  I wonder if I am nuts, if i made it all up ?  are my standards too high? Did I expect too much? 

post about what happened to you... .talk about what's making you doubt your experience... i think we can help... .

[catnap]

An accidental meeting.   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=159025.20  scroll down to Mauser's post.

2)  What would the biggest disadvantages of initiating contact be?

One of the three guys was no longer painted black, and relayed the whole conversation to your ex. 

[OverandDone]

I doubted myself more in the beginning.  In fact, I seriously started to wonder if I was the one with BPD since my mother (who I haven't had contact with in 10+ years) was officially diagnosed with BPD.  However, I had at least two methods of validation proving I had been with a BPD:

1)  A few weeks leading up to the end of the relationship, I had a big brouhaha with her parents (details about it can be found in my posting history).  Before I went into her parents house to endure that fun filled evening, my ex wanted me record what was said because she was terrified of what would be said/happen as the last confrontation she had with her parents resulted in her being locked in a room for half a night while being lambasted for her "impure, whorish ways".  Glad I recorded the conversation because I captured an NPD father at his best.  My therapist's mouth dropped and she essentially stated that while she could not diagnose someone without them being a patient, she could only imagine the damage dealt to my ex with years of verbal/emotional abuse and manipulation.

2)  A couple of months after the relationship dissolved I accessed her e-mail account and discovered intense conversations (more emotional "I've never felt this way about anyone" type messages) between her and my replacement... .who happened to live about 1.5 hours away.  Those messages (at least the ones she hadn't deleted) went back as soon as 3 weeks from the time our engagement ended.  To make matters worse, she was messaging/screwing around with a guy in his mid-50s (who lives in her city) at the same time.

3)  The therapist I am seeing is the same one I saw when my parents divorced in the mid-90s and so she knows me VERY well.  She outright told me that I had more than likely been exposed to a PD and that my thoughts, feelings and concerns all had validity.

So no... .I am no longer doubting my sanity.  I am certainly getting over things, but I've always been very inquisitive.  This has been a horrid experience but there is a lot to learn from it.  I don't want to pass up an opportunity to get a full understanding on something that could have major implications on my life.

So... .would contacting the exes be stupid or what?   ;p

[newworld]

So no... .I am no longer doubting my sanity.

So... .would contacting the exes be stupid or what?   ;p

Starting from sanity is always helpful!  

I'm glad you don't feel gaslit anymore... .it's a huge relief, right?

So, you feel relatively sane, and you have hacked her e mail and you have snooped her phone and now you want validation from people you don't know, who have their own stories/baggage/perceptions about history ... .and you want what now?    

have you read anything on "radical acceptance"?

[OverandDone]

Starting from sanity is always helpful! 

I'm glad you don't feel gaslit anymore... .it's a huge relief, right?

So, you feel relatively sane, and you have hacked her e mail and you have snooped her phone and now you want validation from people you don't know, who have their own stories/baggage/perceptions about history ... .and you want what now?      

have you read anything on "radical acceptance"?

LOL  No, the email thing happened several months ago when I was really distressed.  I found the phone while moving some stuff recently.  (And yes, I get your angle on that question.)  As for the validation from "people I don't know", I only know about them from the "black" information she provided during our relationship.  And most of that might very well be a lie or they may all be d-bags.  In either case, we all were exposed to the same physical person.  We may have revealing stories to share... .or we may not.  I won't know unless I talk to them.  At least that's my thought.

To be honest, if I could take out the personal context of my experience I'd still be curious what the other guys experienced... .just not to the same degree.  I used to take the simple approach and say "Ehh... .that person is crazy." or "Why doesn't that person just leave an abusive relationship? Duh!"  But now that I experienced what I did, I have a slightly better understanding about mental illnesses and what it takes for people to stay in destructive relationships.  In pursuing these answers I am learning more about myself.

I accept what I was in, how I allowed myself to stay and be abused, and what parts of my personality contributed to the awful situation that came to a climax.  But just as there were personal signs of what would lead me into this kind of relationship, there were signs from the other person too.

I hope I made myself clear as to what I'm seeking from the exes.  As far as people on these boards, I'm just curious as to whether or not digging this up had a negative effect/reversal on their recovery.  If so, I obviously don't want to pursue it.  But if I get some answers out of it (and possibly a "war buddy" that would be great. 

Do you suggest I read more about radical acceptance?  I've only read a little.

[grayday1]

OverandDone,

I understand your need to know "it wasn't me". I contacted my ex's exw and it helped enormously

to hear that she had experienced the same behaviors + some.  It does validate our very strong feelings that something was  very "wrong", especially if your ex was a waif type and acted inwardly.

Many of the behaviors the exw experienced I did not... .though I suspect this was because she married him and was much more submissive than me.

Like many of us here, I had never experienced such crazy making behavior and had no idea what I was dealing with. I needed to make since of what felt so sinceless.  It was the exw who told me that the exBPD had been diagnosed with BPD. Knowing this allowed me to find this site and the information I needed to stay away from him and understand my part in all this.

In my opinion, If you have the information needed to get in contact with the ex's you should do so.  

[lifeline12]

qoute from Grayday1In my opinion, If you have the information needed to get in contact with the ex's you should do so.  

Im with Grayday on this one. Even though I haven't done it, I may yet. I have many reasons why, and most stem from a brusied ego but not all. The women before me is drinking herself to death.

When my ex triangulated me with his ex, I told him to leave her along and he's just causing her grief and to let her heal. Well, we all know how that went. She is drinking far to heavily and I know she has been isolating and I worry for her. Another reason is. Our BPD's treat us according to what they can get away with and Id be interested in how her's differ than mine. It would give me an insight into some of my own weaknesses that I may have overlooked.

And then, I just struggle with it. I feel like Im not letting go. I just know that

for today its not going to happen I need to be absolutely sure what my motives are and be prepared for whatever happens. Im not sure I willing to take that risk just yet

IF you do go for it please post, Id be curious how it all went and how you are taking it

good luck

[Clearmind]

Grayday and I were posting a lot about this a few months back now.

We have both chatted to our ex's ex.

So was meeting up with his ex validation? Yes and no - my r/s with him was much longer so I saw more crazy. Did she get anything out of it - I am not so sure but I do know that she caught up with the ex before her.

So you will not be the first!

Be mindful of which ex you want to talk to and why. One night stands or even r/s that lasted a few weeks or months would not have experienced what you did. The BPD r/s evolves and not everyone sees it in it's full blown glory - this may be opposite of what you are trying to achieve and may be invalidating rather than validating.

I have detached now so can only speak from my current stand point. There are hundreds of ex's on this board whose stories resonate with mine to nth degree so this for me is - validation.

Up to you what you want to do.

[truly amazed]

Hi,

I suggest you don't ... .I did or more to the point they actually contacted me in some cases. I actually got a very accurate picture of who or what I was dealing with and it was not good. BPD ...

Personally didn't go looking for them it was a case of some very close in her life ... .even her mother ... .actually seeking me out to say sorry and hoping that I was the one. The history and pattern went back over 25 years. the real story ... .factual one vs the one I was told via outright lies or ommisions was to me stunning. Stunning bewildering and every other thing I could think of. It was not real what I was told via my ex and struggled to beleive when told by two direct parties to actual events a totally different version of what happened ... .and their story the same.

Early on in my recovery I thought this was closure. Knowing that my ex was not what she appeared. Not what she claimed ... .the victim ... .but in fact the monster.

IT WAS NOT CLOSURE ... .and basically hurt more than it helped. It gave no comfort knowing she had been doing exactly the same since age 15 ... .25 plus years. Cheated on her first husband with 20 plus partners ... .second even more ... .me I just dont want to know.

It just made the recovery a bit more painful ... .knowing how a good kind man had been duped like an idiot. Sure I played a role in the RS but I fell for it hook line and sinker totally.

Done a lot of growing since then ... .and dealing with issues I thought I already had a long time ago on my own part. I suppose knowing did have some benifits and made me look very hard at myself and how I allowed myself to endure this BPD torment.

Think long and hard before you find out facts. I was given them by people actually being kind ... .not cruel and telling me they are happy I was not with her. Still hurt and left another scar ... .but with all things have taken the lessons and grown so its all good.

Take care  

[MaK]

I did contact my stbx's ex.  I learned a treasure trove on information he had never shared with me.

She was absolutely gracious, kind, and accepting of me.  We compared stories, they were parallel,  and she gave me excellent advice.

The one thing she told me that still helps me today, "The hardest part is over, you do not have to deal with him anymore.  Get yourself healthy, renew old friendships you have put on the burner for him, and love yourself."

In my case, it was a good thing, but tread lightly and know who you are dealing with first.  Oh, she told me he was diagnosed with BPD several years before she threw him out.     

[OverandDone]

I did contact my stbx's ex.  I learned a treasure trove on information he had never shared with me.

She was absolutely gracious, kind, and accepting of me.  We compared stories, they were parallel,  and she gave me excellent advice.

The one thing she told me that still helps me today, "The hardest part is over, you do not have to deal with him anymore.  Get yourself healthy, renew old friendships you have put on the burner for him, and love yourself."

In my case, it was a good thing, but tread lightly and know who you are dealing with first.  Oh, she told me he was diagnosed with BPD several years before she threw him out.     

haha  This is kind of what I'm expecting to happen but am a little hesitant to dive in and find out because I really don't know the one guy that was painted the blackest.  Though... .one of the things that should have been a red flag all around was the fact he obviously got his most important things and made a bee-line for the door.  When I started dating my ex, she still had pickles, hot sauce (she hates both of those things) and other food/clothing items he had left.  And that was supposedly from 1+ years prior.  But who knows... .he might have gotten a new cell #, so it wouldn't matter anyways.   

I will say this though... .the last serious ex had a good taste in hot sauce.   

[Clearmind]

There you go  . You have more in common than you realise. Love hot sauce

[learnedtolaugh]

This is all fine and good as long as you are ok with it getting back to pwBPD. My ex was a very successful gardener. She had a backyard garden of exes that she carefully maintained behind my back and at times under my nose. These guys were hungry for her attention and contact from me would have quickly gotten back to her. This is problematic as I have worked very hard to build NC. My ex stalked me hard for 2 straight months after I broke things off and went NC. I would not want to excite any renewed sick interest in me whether it be from the black or white side of her thinking. I don't know where u r at with NC or detaching, so all I can say is be very careful. PWBPD are dangerous and bad for your health.

[OnceConfused]

Trust your decision of not being w her and seek not further affirmation.

SOund like you still have doubt or regret about your decision.

Don't bother to look back because you might step in the hole in front of you.

Go foward.

[OverandDone]

learnedtolaugh... .You're right, that has crossed my mind.  It is a possibility (though I think it is unlikely).  Whether it got back to her or not, I don't think it would do much.  I no longer live in the same town as her, she doesn't know where I live now (I assume anyways), I've blocked her via all other forms of communication as well... .so I don't think it would matter other than her getting some kind of satisfaction knowing I'm still inquiring about her.  And frankly I could care less if she does.  I'm trying to get the answers that shed light on a potentially treacherous path that lies before me (re-entering the dating world) so I don't step into that proverbial hole OnceConfused mentioned.

OnceConfused... .you are right to a degree.  I resent having to abandon a relationship I worked so hard at and the better person I thought I was becoming.  However, I don't miss the person she really was nor the person I was becoming by staying in the relationship and trying to save her.  The point of this is not so much for me to relive the past but to understand how certain personalities get caught up in this mess.

[Sailskier]

I will tell you that I did.

I contacted the ex/g before me last year when we broke up for a few months.  She validated everything I knew.  I didnt even have to divulge anything... .she and I had the same experiences.

I dont think that there is anything wrong with you finding out the facts... .it is only triangulation (read definition) if your intent is to get your ex back or some form of finding out about his current life.  I sat with his phone bill and his bank account for 4 hrs two weeks ago... .figured out his current life, who he's talking to... .etc.  It brought me a ton of understanding and validation to his disorder.  I was so concerned that I had become compulsive obssesive and discussed it with my T.  He calmed me down and told me that I didnt have a "disorder" and that he sees that I'm the type that needs facts and answers before making a final conclusion.  I agree with my T, I tend to doubt my gut feelings and I give in to arguments easily... .so having all the facts in front of me... .prevents me from self doubt

[moonleaf]

I didn't have to contact my ex's exes to know that the same types of issues came up in his relationships with them. I listened very closely to his stories of his exes and pieced together what I believed to be the truth. Basically I figure they all experienced the same types of behaviour as I did.

For example, he would boast about being the main caregiver for his son when he was born. He said he was a stay-at-home dad while his wife went back to work. I figure the real story was probably that he was unemployed (as he was for most of the time I knew him) and she was probably forced to go to work to pay for everything.

I certainly think it would be interesting to talk to his exes. But I wouldn't dream of ever approaching them although I would certainly be open to communicating with them if they ever contacted me.

Perhaps for some people on this board, communicating and receiving validation from their ex's exes could be therapeutic and part of their healing process. However, for others, it could be very detrimental because instead of moving forward and letting go, you could be doing the opposite.

I would say think carefully about the possible consequences, and what you hope to achieve, before contacting any of your ex's exes.

[m772001]

Don't do it, it will do you no good and only serve to hurt you more, tell you the things you already know and perhaps more you don't want to find out about. If you were close and you contact one of her ex's that was as well, I guarentee you the experience was erriely similar, go strict NC and stay away.

[learnedtolaugh]

Somehow I see this idea working better for women than men. I don't have any psychological studies or testaments from this site to point to. The posts I have read have been women to women, but I do remember reading one guy talking about bumping into an ex and commiserating successfully. I just have a bad feeling about cold calling. I know I would personally be extremely suspicious of any guy calling me to talk about the ex. I would have to assume he was probably standing right next to her. I wouldn't want to meet and talk either as she has a taste for thugs and degenerates. I was the only one I heard of that isn't using drugs and has some sort of stable life that doesn't include jail time in the near future.

[backontop]

I suggest you leave it alone.   How much more validation do you need?   NC means NC, including trolling through the exes.   As hard as it is let it go... .   I screwed up last week and looked at the new hosts Facebook (I know, I Know) and BOY did I regret it!   It stunts my growth every time I look back.    It gets easier as time goes on, and the less I hear or see, the better off I am.   Any piece of new information just rips the scab off.  My neighbor told me today that uBPDxbf showed up at his house two weeks ago, and went to his son's birthday party.  He's doing well, going to college, saving for a car, has a new GF, and looks happy- blah, blah, blah.   "Well, as long as he is happy" was all I replied with- and I ALMOST meant it.  Then I changed the subject.   No chats with exes, NO Facebook trolling, and no contact of any kind.  TRUST ME... .it's sad it has to be that way- but it keeps my guts from being ripped out Hi!

[2010]

Don't do it, it will do you no good and only serve to hurt you more, tell you the things you already know and perhaps more you don't want to find out about. If you were close and you contact one of her ex's that was as well, I guarentee you the experience was erriely similar, go strict NC and stay away.

[trax]

1)  Have you ever considered contacting the exes of your exBPD?

2)  What would the biggest disadvantages of initiating contact be?

3)  For those that actually did weigh the pros vs. cons and decided to make contact, was it worth it?

I had a decent relationship with his first wife because of the children.  She would tell me 'be careful with him' but I didn't understand what she meant.  When we split up I talked with her about him, several times.  It was very validating.  I am grateful to her for tolerating that behavior from me.  When ex's next victim came to me I did my best to validate for her.  I will tell you ex pulled the same sht with all of us.

I found it worth it.  I think I would feel strange calling someone I did not know, but thats just me    Biggest disadvantages would probably be the chance of being shot down or stirring the pot with the ex if they are in contact.  Its interesting that she keeps numbers for people she hates, no?

[A New Leaf]

Three of my exH's ex g/f's contacted me because he was triangulating (read definition) them during our marriage and while we were divorcing.  They tracked me down thru his Facebook and doing Google searches and by that time, I felt I wanted answers to his late nights on the computer.  Pandora's box was opened and it was very painful.  Now ask me why I was dumb enough to recycle with him after the divorce?  Because he was a master manipulator and I am an idiot.  All 4 of us had been taken in and we had all recycled with him, so I was in good company I guess.  Two of us have remained friends.

[elizabethm]

I contacted a woman I found online that he had sent a naked picture of his "you know what" too... .

It turned out to be a 65 year old neighbor, (I am 38) who thought they were having a "relationship"... He told

me "it's embarassing but it is convienent"     HE is a sex addict, so there were more of all types   

I did not blame her, but she filled me in on everything... .I had to rewrite a lot of history in my head and it

was good to find out ... .but it had a double edged sword affect... .Then I told her NOT to let him know,

I wanted to address it when I saw fit and avoid a RAGE attack... .She text him on an airplane when he was

in mid air on the way home from burying his sister and I freaked as I had to go to the airport and he was

angry and texting her calling her names all the way home  ?    I wanted to wait several weeks

for my own reasons as he had just moved in.

I also found others on his email he opened on my computer, but I just left it alone, the evidence spoke

for itself.   I wish I had not gone through it... .But I guess in the end, everybody deserves the truth

of their own lives.

I was still "IN" the relationship though at the time... .I still want to know more stuff, so I understand what

you are thinking, however I am seeing T this morning and I will have to take the advice of what is actually

good for my mental health after NC for 2 months, saw him twice briefly... .NC in every other way.

At this point, I know he cheated, I have proof of some of them, do I need to know more and details?

What would that do to me?  I also understand that you wish to know if your experience was "unique" to

the BPD behaviors if you will... .I KNOW mine were similar to others before me and will be the same

afterwards, same BPD , different person, different variations of the same toxic mix, lying, cheating and overall

abuse and lying, whether covert or overt, same freaking person :D 

I think I have forgotten what a wonderful person is to be with and I cannot wait to get my life

back out of this darkness they drag us into and back into the light of the spirit and being happy

and content with this horrible nightmare behind me although I do love him, I cannot wait for that to fade

either e.

[WhyAskWhy]

Midway through the relationship, one of my exbf's exes (I never knew which one) called me one afternoon, drunk and/or heavily medicated, and offered to 'teach me how to handle him, because she knew what he could be like.' 


  At least one of his exes is in heavy mental health treatment.

  At least two of them are, if not full blown alcoholics, then definitely on thier way.

... and those are the ones I know about.

I have no desire to compare notes with them, about him.  I had my own experiences with him, he actually apologized to me for them, and that, frankly, is enough.

[justMehere]

I would say don't, because it kind of stalkerish 

However... .I spoke to my ex UBPD bf ex wife a few times. We met up for me to give her a bunch of his stuff (he moved out of state and she was meeting him for a child drop off) and we got to be sort of friends. I still care for his kids.

Anyway, she knew that early on in our r/s I was contacted by one of his ex gf, and I talked to the ex wife for a long time, several times. She was with him 12 years and I knew him as well as she did! I knew about his affairs and his lying and things she turned a blind eye to for years. I read emails here and there that he didnt know about and found things here and there... .so I was not as in the dark as she thought. But yes, there was VALIDATION! It did help me. A LOT. She doesnt hate him. They basically have a decent r/s. She is mature and tolerates his antics for the sake of the kids.

it helped to really get it to sink in that he's crazy. She doesnt know the diagnosis and I didnt tell her. But she was totally supportive. Said their kids love me. She hated that he hurt me, etc.

[topknot]

In my case, I can contact the ex-wife and the daughter via Facebook.  They know me, but I have chosen not to do it.  In piecing together all the stories about them from the beginning of our relationship to the end, I see now they qualify for sainthood to have lived with this man for 18 years.  Of course, he painted them black, but once I figured out the rules of his game, I see they were just as normal as me; he was great at adding color to everything to benefit himself.  So I decided, what would they tell me I don't already know?  Perhaps give me a few chuckles, or I may feel smug in knowing I was "right on".  The downside is they may provide info that I didn't need to know, will hurt me, and make my recovery even longer.  So I have decided to trust my gut.  With what I know about BPD, I'm sure I have his story right without confirmation... .