Indifference = Detaching?

[kwc718]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently the "other guy" with my BPD ex.  She went back to her BF of several years, and discarded me like trash... .yet somehow refuses to let me move on.

She typically will rage inwardly, but occasionally will lash out.

Last night, we were talking and I called her out on some bad behavior, and she raged at me big time.

Based on history, I would have been broken by this kind of behavior and apologized profusely.  Last night was different.  I actually broke into hysterical laughter and didn't really give a damn.  

Somehow I feel the attachment dissipating.  Maybe I am finally ready to quit fueling the re-engages and move on.  Maybe the emotions have caught up to the logic in all of this insanity.

Anyone ever reach this point where they just laugh off the raging behavior?  Is it a sign you're ready to move on?  Weird questions, I know.

[azmomm2]

Maybe. What stuck out to me here was this:



discarded me like trash... .yet somehow refuses to let me move on.

She can't stop you from moving on. If you are really ready to move on, you'll change your phone number. You'll block hers. You'll unfriend her on Facebook. You'll stop communicating with her.

If you are ready to move on, you will.

Whether you laughing at her rage is a sign you are ready to move on or not is a question only you can answer. Are you ready to move on?

[OTH]

You are part of the Karpmen drama traingle. This is not detaching. You are still involved. I would say she has hurt you emotionally and you haven't processed and dealt with it yet. This is just an indication of that hurt. Break free. That is how you detach. That is how you begin to heal. You won't feel the full brunt of your pain and hurt until you leave. Staying involved is just numbing your wound it isn't healing it.

Best of luck,

OTH

Karpman Drama Triangle

Exiting a BPD Relationship

Lesson two: 10 beliefs that get you stuck

Healing the big picture

Relationship Recycling

[2010]

Last night was different.  I actually broke into hysterical laughter and didn't really give a damn.  

Somehow I feel the attachment dissipating.  Maybe I am finally ready to quit fueling the re-engages and move on.  Maybe the emotions have caught up to the logic in all of this insanity.

Anyone ever reach this point where they just laugh off the raging behavior?  Is it a sign you're ready to move on?

It depends. Was it a laughter based upon hurt? Did it place you in a one-up position, looking down upon her? Are you able to not take it personally?

Indifference comes when you let go of the idea that she can make a choice and stick with it, rather than move back and forth in withdrawal and reward between you both. This is a disorder. Once you get the notion that you are playing a role in the disorder, you'll see yourself as the same reward as the other boyfriend. Neither of you wins. Both of you are the same in her belief.  It is through your own projective identification that you place upon her the desire to end the other relationship in order to be with you. She mirrors this- but when questioned about the other boyfriend, begins a series of engulfment rages.

Total indifference comes with letting go of the outcome and learning that her belief system is distorted- and that is not at all your fault.  Change of the distorted belief comes from her- not you. The change of your own belief (that you are the better Man for her) is what needs to be let go of.  This is a disorder. No one wins. And certainly, no one wins in a triangle game when the drama moves so quickly back and forth- often at a rate unbeknownst to the other players (the other boyfriend) in the game. The only way to win at this is not to play.  Laughing at the disorder is still playing the game.  Indifference will come when you realize how serious the disordered thought is- how you contribute to the game and what you need from it.  

[FindingMe2011]

  Actually, it sounds as if you are still doing the dance. Just a different step, to gain some sort of control. For me, I really do see how I changed in the end, almost for survival with BPD. It took many years, but BPD won out. OTH, has given you some great reads.

Last night, we were talking and I called her out on some bad behavior, and she raged at me big time.

 This is what you get, when setting boundaries with BPD, without somewhat validating it


Based on history, I would have been broken by this kind of behavior and apologized profusely.  Last night was different.  I actually broke into hysterical laughter and didn't really give a damn.

  So it looks as if you have learned somewhat of the illness, maybe using some of your own manipulation, to get the upper hand. And yes, you give a damn, or you wouldnt be doing it. Its useless, fatigueing, and a waste of time. As far as moving on, when you are ready you will.  PEACE  

[Heronblue]

I totally understand what you mean. On days I can think about it clinically I totally do that.  The funny thing is that my friend sometimes forgets the lies he's told to cover his behavior and will repeat them... .and I have to laugh.

If he starts raging, I just give no response now... .just quiet or looking at him.  So he has stopped that for the most part.

I find that I do that some days but other days I still get hurt even though we are just friends.  It is just very sad... .not just for the people who love them, but for their own lives that will end up very lonely.  That's the thing I struggle with the most.

[magic woman]

I don't think it is weird questions.  It sounds like the process of detaching, a small step.  Not taking responsibility for her actions or taking them personally.  The hard part is staying in the mindset and to keep moving through the process.  It is very hard when you continue contact but that was the method I chose as well.

[newworld]

sadly, yes.

I think about how much hurt I went through and how much pain was involved for everyone.

Then I remember the ice cold "monster" side who didn't care about me at all... .

and now I think to myself, "everything that comes out of his mouth is preposterous!" So, why not just laugh at it?  Why cry and mourn something he won't allow anyone to mourn with him because he thinks it's funny (that he punches wholes in walls)?

[kwc718]

She can't stop you from moving on. If you are really ready to move on, you'll change your phone number. You'll block hers. You'll unfriend her on Facebook. You'll stop communicating with her.

If you are ready to move on, you will.

Whether you laughing at her rage is a sign you are ready to move on or not is a question only you can answer. Are you ready to move on?

These are good points.  I've all but blocked her number at this point.  I've reached that place mentally where I know I've been good to her, and that 100% of the crap she throws around has nothing to do with me.  I'm starting to feel resentment toward her, and a sense of indignation that seems quite empowering.  Her tantrums and silent treatments used to eat me up for days.  I just blow it off now

On the other hand, there is a segment of me that is still struggling to accept the fact that the initial attraction on her part was just a big lie.  I keep holding on to the hope that we might have one more night together.  Something tells me even if I did have her back, I wouldn't quite know what to do with her.

I know what needs to be done, I just need to grow a pair and make it happen.

You won't feel the full brunt of your pain and hurt until you leave. Staying involved is just numbing your wound it isn't healing it.

This jumped out at me.  I've been in a place of healing limbo for months now.  I'll go weeks at a time where I can honestly say I've moved on, then the text comes in and I start to engage.  I get caught up in thinking EVERY time that she misses me, or wants to see me, or that somehow I'm special.  I've been told that it's quite possible she has a string of people she texts when she's lonely, and I'm just "one of the exes".  Ugh.

It depends. Was it a laughter based upon hurt? Did it place you in a one-up position, looking down upon her? Are you able to not take it personally?

Indifference comes when you let go of the idea that she can make a choice and stick with it, rather than move back and forth in withdrawal and reward between you both. This is a disorder. Once you get the notion that you are playing a role in the disorder, you'll see yourself as the same reward as the other boyfriend. Neither of you wins. Both of you are the same in her belief.  It is through your own projective identification that you place upon her the desire to end the other relationship in order to be with you. She mirrors this- but when questioned about the other boyfriend, begins a series of engulfment rages.

Total indifference comes with letting go of the outcome and learning that her belief system is distorted- and that is not at all your fault.  Change of the distorted belief comes from her- not you. The change of your own belief (that you are the better Man for her) is what needs to be let go of.  This is a disorder. No one wins. And certainly, no one wins in a triangle game when the drama moves so quickly back and forth- often at a rate unbeknownst to the other players (the other boyfriend) in the game. The only way to win at this is not to play.  Laughing at the disorder is still playing the game.  Indifference will come when you realize how serious the disordered thought is- how you contribute to the game and what you need from it.  

Going to sticky this and put it on my desktop.  The weird thing is, she lives with the other guy, and has for 4 years.  When there is stress, she triangulates.  Thinks the new guy is "the one", finds fault, discards him like trash.  I remember one time she met someone online who lived in Oregon.  Then she tells her BF "Hey let's go take a vacation in Oregon."  They go, she picks a fight with BF and leaves in a rage, goes to the online guy's house and cheats with him, then comes back to the BF at the hotel afterward and apologizes for her "bad attitude".  He had no idea what she really did in those few hours.  Maybe that's why he's long term BF.  He's the ideal doormat who accepts her as she is.

So it looks as if you have learned somewhat of the illness, maybe using some of your own manipulation, to get the upper hand. And yes, you give a damn, or you wouldnt be doing it. Its useless, fatigueing, and a waste of time. As far as moving on, when you are ready you will... .PEACE

Another dose of reality.  Thank you for this.

[azmomm2]

I remember one time she met someone online who lived in Oregon.  Then she tells her BF "Hey let's go take a vacation in Oregon."  They go, she picks a fight with BF and leaves in a rage, goes to the online guy's house and cheats with him, then comes back to the BF at the hotel afterward and apologizes for her "bad attitude".

Wow. And knowing this about her, why on God's green Earth would you want to sign up for even one more night? At best, you may get an STD. At worst, she'll be back with you, doing this to you instead of her unfortunate current BF... .

When you find yourself remembering the great times and getting all mushy feeling toward her, you need to steer your thoughts back to THIS story, and others like it which I am sure you have in your memory, and remember who she REALLY is.

You also need to think about whether you feel that somehow you deserve someone that treats others like this. Don't you know that you deserve more - someone who is capable of committing wholly to you and building a solid foundation for a real relationship?

I hope you are able to cut all ties with her and really move on.

[shewaslola]

Life saving site! It's been a bit over a month since the "break up".  Actually it was a text about being angry and unable to engage in a fight at the moment.  I backed off for a day.  On the third day she called in from work and I called to check on her.  She said she was feeling ill and would probably just sleep it off.  I drove over a few hours later to check on her and surprise her with ice cream.  Surprise! She was leaving her home with a co-worker at 1am.  I was stunned.  I was too ashamed to confront her.  What else needed to be said? I shortly learned that she had seen the same guy the night before the angry text.  Days went by and I finally visited her to demand some sort of explanation.  She stated she no longer felt the same emotionally and that she needed to move on.  I confronted her about the other guy and the lies.  She became angry and insisted that this was about us and no one else.  She claimed it was just a friend, nothing serious and far to soon to be involved.  I asked why she would move on so soon and her response was "I've been waiting and want my life back".  What an incredible gut shot, I was speechless.  Weeks passed and I visited again hoping to understand the sudden change in heart.  We were very involved for 3 years.  I waited outside her home knowing that she was walking our dogs.  I rang the bell and there was no barking so I assumed she was out with them.  Minutes later I head her unmistakable laugh.  She was approaching the house with the dogs and the co-worker.  Hand in hand.  It was a Tyson-esque left hook.  I could not believe my eyes.  I was blindsided to say the least.  She crossed the street, released the guy's hand and continued to walk pass the home.  The co-worker is known to me, we had hosted a cookout a month earlier.  She had ignored my calls for days but as she walked minutes away I received a phone call from an unknown number.  It was her demanding that I leave.  I did.  She never called, or bothered to explain.  She has made no efforts to contact me and won't accept my calls.  It's almost as though 3 years were erased.  No remorse, apology or words.  Disposable relationships.  That's what BPD is.  Very unfortunate but an incredible lesson.  I think back at all the signs, too many to mention.  Follow your gut, when it doesn't feel right, it almost certainly isn't. 

[FindingMe2011]

I've reached that place mentally where I know I've been good to her, and that 100% of the crap she throws around has nothing to do with me.  I'm starting to feel resentment toward her, and a sense of indignation that seems quite empowering.  Her tantrums and silent treatments used to eat me up for days.  I just blow it off now

   kwc,

 

    One of the first things that I noticed when I started to learn about BPD, was that all of the partners that we CHOSE to be with, were almost clones. The next thing I noticed, when my anger subsided some, was that WE are also clones, in many ways. Its not by chance my friend, and yes, you most likely have recieved, a hell of alot more, than you've dished out, but.  you are 50% of this TOXIC r/s. ( Well actually 33.3%, by doing the triangulation (read definition) thing)  Our motives are different, and thank the lucky stars, in a better position to becoming, much more, mentally healthier. For me,( and it sounds like your position also,) I used her, and she used me, to be blunt. Feeding the EGO, mine and hers. Motives different, NEEDS different, and a somewhat parallel, to my past r/s, that I have had. ( for many excuses, this one lasted much longer ) What you are saying, could have come out of my mouth, while with BPD. My inner child self, (subconcious) wouldnt allow my concious self, do what was best for me. So instead of doing the healthy thing, I did the next best thing, started to adapt to crazy. It was easier than leaving.  And no, it doesnt make it right, but after learning the dynamics of the illness, and dealing with my issues, allows me to accept it, for what it is. I wish you well, and hope one day you consider this, a journey of sorts.  PEACE