Working with ex BPDgf?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex BPDgf met while working together last year. I moved to another state to do an internship. My internship is almost over and I have begun my job search. My old co-workers and I still maintain contact and one called me this morning to tell me that there will be openings next month and a supervisor asked him to contact me about applying. The pay is great and i would be in the same city as my kids (not by her) and would get to see them more often.

She dumped me a week ago by just stopping communication. No closure at all. I'm pretty sure she had a replacement lined up 6 weeks ago and is "in love again" (so soon) but but my friend doesn't know it as he was really happy to call me about the job opportunity. The problem is that she still works there and while we would not be in the same department, we would see each other a few times a day. I know her thought would be that i took the job to try to force myself in her "space" and try to restart a relationship. I don't. It makes me sick when i think of how cold, cruel, and cowardly (need i say chickens***?) she discarded me after telling me she would try to make it work. And just moved on.

I just want a stable job with good pay and be close to my kids who I love more than anything and and they always ask me when I am coming back to live closer to them. But the drama and tension at work would be tremendous. Not to mention her ability to charm people and have them thinking also that I took the position JUST to get back with her.


Her "reason" for wanting to break up was that she said she couldnt trust me to respect her feelings and opinions. The conflict was back in September when I wanted to come down for a visit and she told me not to. I did anyway, my mistake I admit. But I think she used that to validate her reason to break up so she could get with this new guy.

Should I risk not being employed just so there is no tension with her or should I do what I gotta do to pay my bills and see my kids?

[fatalbyte]

My ex BPDgf met while working together last year. I moved to another state to do an internship. My internship is almost over and I have begun my job search. My old co-workers and I still maintain contact and one called me this morning to tell me that there will be openings next month and a supervisor asked him to contact me about applying. The pay is great and i would be in the same city as my kids (not by her) and would get to see them more often.

She dumped me a week ago by just stopping communication. No closure at all. I'm pretty sure she had a replacement lined up 6 weeks ago and is "in love again" (so soon) but but my friend doesn't know it as he was really happy to call me about the job opportunity. The problem is that she still works there and while we would not be in the same department, we would see each other a few times a day. I know her thought would be that i took the job to try to force myself in her "space" and try to restart a relationship. I don't. It makes me sick when i think of how cold, cruel, and cowardly (need i say chickens***?) she discarded me after telling me she would try to make it work. And just moved on.

I just want a stable job with good pay and be close to my kids who I love more than anything and and they always ask me when I am coming back to live closer to them. But the drama and tension at work would be tremendous. Not to mention her ability to charm people and have them thinking also that I took the position JUST to get back with her.


Her "reason" for wanting to break up was that she said she couldnt trust me to respect her feelings and opinions. The conflict was back in September when I wanted to come down for a visit and she told me not to. I did anyway, my mistake I admit. But I think she used that to validate her reason to break up so she could get with this new guy.

Should I risk not being employed just so there is no tension with her or should I do what I gotta do to pay my bills and see my kids?

[stillbreathing]

  But the drama and tension at work would be tremendous. Not to mention her ability to charm people and have them thinking also that I took the position JUST to get back with her.

I would say think about this as it is what I expect you would be "dealing with" at the job if you were to take it. The ability to charm is a survival skill where they position themselves as victims and they are usually expert at it with a lifetime of skill honing. The position of victim most often requires a villian in the story to lure rescuers. Want to guess who the villian in the story will be?

I wish you the best of luck with this.

[fatalbyte]

Stillbreathing: I definately understand what you are saying. And I am truly torn. On one hand, I know it will reopen old wounds and she will go out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable. She has said she is spiteful so I wouldnt put it past her to start a "serious relationship" with someone at work just to put my face in the crap.

On the other hand, jobs are hard to come by these days and bills have to be paid no matter what I am going through. But it's a couple of months away and alot can happen between now and then with the job situation.

[Weird Fishes]

egh... .BPDs are not all the same, but... .I'd be really careful.  Make sure multiple people at this workplace know and value you and try to figure out if they have some idea of your ex's instability.   

My boyfriend, his ex, and I all worked together, and she was Queen Psycho and made his life hell.  Stalked him from the first day she started working there, for a year (very obvious and scary to all other coworkers).  when he broke up with his girlfriend at the time she coaxed his very depressed self into a "casual relationship" (O LOL).    She spent a lot of time making up rumors about them and trying to manipulate people into thinking he was under her control, that he hated person x and person y, that she could do whatever she wanted and he approved of it, stalking every. female. employee.  Then, when he finally dumped her, and a month later she got fired (for a lot of things, specifically for an incident w/a controlled substance),  he was indirectly implicated in the incident and it put his job in jeopardy.  Of course, to her it was ALL A CONSPIRACY and he got her fired so he could date the nearest 20 girls etc. etc.  there were a lot of threats of sexual harassment, a lot of calls to his work phone spitting bile, bizarre attempts at control via facebook (claiming to speak for him when harassing the other female employees).  It could have been worse, but it sure wasn't pretty and it caused him a lot of stress.

My BF on the matter:  "It was a mistake.  I knew it was a mistake at the time.  But I did it anyway.  And I paid for my mistake."

So, my point is... .if you decide to do this, be very very careful and keep your nose clean?  Your exBPD might not handle things the same way, but proceed with caution.

[catnap]

My old co-workers and I still maintain contact and one called me this morning to tell me that there will be openings next month and a supervisor asked him to contact me about applying. The pay is great and i would be in the same city as my kids (not by her) and would get to see them more often.

I think you can take the job which lets you be close to your children again and is a good work opportunity. You can not let he dictate such serious decisions. 

Then ask yourself some tough questions, can you stay detached?


If you are hired, treat any incidental meeting with her with detached courtesy.  If she starts crap, immediately go to HR and explain that the r/s is over in your mind and was initiated by her months ago, prior to you even applying.  You thought that she would act professionally also, but is now doing xyz.  How should you handle this situation?  Then let your supervisor know you went to HR and what you were advised to do. 

   

[2010]

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata

Take the JOB. 

[fatalbyte]

2010:

Hey i have this poem (Desiderata) on my wall! Whenever I look at it, I am reminded of how to remain grounded, how to treat myself and others, and the path to walk to keep peace with myself.

And for the grand prize... .guess who gave it to me for my birthday? LOL... .You guessed it, the ex! After the breakup, I laugh a lil to myself how she gave that to me but she didnt take the time to read it herself.

Back to serious business. I have resigned myself through long walks and talks withmyself, that I deserve that job, I deserve to be close to my children, I deserve to give myself a shot at a great career serving others. Sure, there will be tension but it won't come from me. I resolve to remain calm, cool, and professional. She is the one that dumped me, was so cruel in painting me black with her being the "victim" during the breakup, and she will be the one dreading the work week. Me? I will get up every morning to a new day, a new job, a new life, and a new me. And while she got her a new victim before we broke up, she never gave herself a chance to look inward and heal (she cant stand not being in a relationship), I took this period of NC and worked through the phases of grief and came out on the other side a better man.

[fatalbyte]

Sometimes, when I am in my anger stage (not too often), I wonder how it will affect her. See, she is never wrong, never apologizes, is always the victim. Her biggest fears are: 1. not being in control, 2. not controlling her emotions, and 3. feeling like someone is making her look dumb.

And like I said, I know I can detach. I know I didn't deserve what she did to me. She lied, cheated, misled, ripped my heart out, stomped on it, set it on fire, then played the victim.

I wonder how she would feel knowing that everyday she has to see me and know that she put me through hell for reasons that were not my fault. That I begged and pleaded for her to not leave me. After stringing me along for a month, she dumped me by cutting off all contact with me.

Will this be a mental hell/torture for her?

[Weird Fishes]

Fatalbyte, I suspect it will go in cycles.  She'll be racked by jealousy and obsessiveness one week, the next week she'll have a new host (or a new set of problems) and act like you don't exist.

She may be very upset if she sees she doesn't "own" you any more, emotionally, and that will reflect badly on her need for control... .