the missing link... now i get it

[butrflyblue]

The last few days I learned and confirmed so much about my BPDh. I had the week off and wanted to confirm some suspicions I had about what he was doing while at school. On Sunday I tagged along with him to a study group. Got along great with his classmates who had no idea he was married. Went on a field trip where he did not expect I would be and was told by his buddy in another class that my h had told him he was 1028 years younger and he had no clue he was married. Happened to see him in the cafeteria studying with another female who also seemed surprised he was married. Met with one of his professors on an unrelated matter and he said he had no idea he was married. Yesterday he insisted on wearing a shirt stained with mud that he wore in a race we were in on Saturday along with his participation medal around his neck. I was embarrassed for him. At lunch he dominated the conversation with telling about how great he handled the obstacle courses. His classmates who were all about 20 looked bored. I was pretty sure that he has been presenting himself as single at school and now I am sure of it. I always see him posting about all of the crazy fun stuff he did before we were married but he never wants to go out together and do anything. I am constantly floored at how well he treats strangers but treats me and his mom like dirt. I guess I am done trying to understand. My sister who is a recovering addict said something yesterday that made total sense to me. She said some people don't give a ~ if you are crazy and they wont waste a minute giving you the benefit of the doubt or trying to understand. I have decided this is the outlook I want to embrace

[newworld]

being shut out of a relationship in this sense is very difficult   

Most men are proud of their wives and vice versa-

I hope you can see this as objectively as we can reading it- he is not yet grown up- he is still in his mind, in college as a 20 year old- this speaks volumes about him, not you!

NW

[Clearmind]

butrflyblue, he certainly is immature. To me he appears socially awkward, tries to fit in and the fact he doesnt publicly acknowledge he is married is testament to his inability to view himself as whole and feels like an outsider to the unity of marriage. Just does not get it.

Revising facts are common, afraid of losing control, lies via omission and distorted truth all come into play here.

butrflyblue, where are you at right now with your H?

[2010]

I am constantly floored at how well he treats strangers but treats me and his mom like dirt.

He certainly has a strong sense of himself. He likes attention, and feels entitled to do what he wants to do. Have you considered that he may be a Narcissist rather than a Borderline?  A Borderline Husband would have mentioned his Wife if only to claim he was being abused or held hostage in some way.

A Narcissist would never lead off with abuse, because Narcissists subsume others to represent their grandiose ego and subsuming a flawed object would also give him flaws and bruise his ego. Mentioning a wife in any way for a Narcissist would only be done in the pursuit of self gratification.

The Borderline mentioning a Wife would be done as an offering to others self-gratification and vulnerable narcissism which the Borderline would then mirror.  Since Borderlines consistently work through their trauma in interpersonal situations, they triangulate and use others to plot for and against a spouse. Narcissists are much more self directed and they demand attention for their "self" to the exclusion of all others.  

[htl67]

A Borderline Husband would have mentioned his Wife if only to claim he was being abused or held hostage in some way.

I don't know... .my exBPDbf will never admit or advertise that he is in a relationship with someone, even if he is living with someone... .always tries to downplay the relationship, maybe so that he can appear available, and he most definitely has BPD.

htl67

[Clearmind]

My ex posted lovely status updates about us and pics but everyone was blocked from viewing them except me!

BPDs do have narc traits which could explain the secrecy and lack of acknowledgement.

[redberry]

Mine did this as well.  When I was with him (and if we weren't fighting), he acted all lovey with me in public.  But according to other women and friends, when I wasn't around... .  I really wasn't around.  He acted like he didn't have a girlfriend.  Flirted with other women, never talked about me, never mentioned me unless it was to say that I mistreated him (victim).  Out of sight, out of mind.

[georgie girl]

Mine made out that he was a devoted husband to outsiders while all the time having emotional affairs with women because he was "misunderstood" by his wife.  Seems like he covered all bases to me as he came across as loving husband with horrible wife who made his life hell but he was "hanging on in there" despite all that abuse (saint)!

[Beach_Babe]

My ex posted lovely status updates about us and pics but everyone was blocked from viewing them except me!

WOW    now THATs something

[Lanee]

My ex posted lovely status updates about us and pics but everyone was blocked from viewing them except me!

I sighed a little when I read this post... .my exBPDbf did the exact same thing 

My bf hid the relationship until someone found out about it. We lived together and so some people did inevitably find out. That's when the triangulation (read definition) and pity seeking started. I was invisible until I became the villain. How does your husband act now that everyone knows he's married?

She said some people don't give a  if you are crazy and they wont waste a minute giving you the benefit of the doubt or trying to understand. I have decided this is the outlook I want to embrace

I hear you on that! 

[Clearmind]

My ex posted lovely status updates about us and pics but everyone was blocked from viewing them except me!

I sighed a little when I read this post... .my exBPDbf did the exact same thing 

My bf hid the relationship until someone found out about it. We lived together and so some people did inevitably find out. That's when the triangulation (read definition) and pity seeking started. I was invisible until I became the villain. How does your husband act now that everyone knows he's married?

She said some people don't give a  if you are crazy and they wont waste a minute giving you the benefit of the doubt or trying to understand. I have decided this is the outlook I want to embrace

I hear you on that! 

Lanee, I am sorry he did this to you as well. While its hard for us to understand how they could do, its their emotional immaturity that gets the better of them.

Admitting relationships etc backs them into a corner ~ its a corner they are fearful of ~ its a dark place full of unknowns ~ fear intimacy and engulfment. They are like children and want heaps of play friends and being in a relationship makes them feel like their play friends will desert them when they need validating/placating.

[MaybeSo]

My ex seemed more NPD in the beginning. He was pushing total commitment to me, but when not with me liked to present as if he were single and available to the public, socially, to women he met etc. He felt entitled that way. To lots of female attention.

If he did mention me positively it was when he was pursuing me, I was idealized to male friends especially, I was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Later when I had been with him longer and was living with him and that was more known by more people, he started presenting himself as a victim (of me or the relationship) to triangulate with other women. Which I guess is more BPD?

So I guess he's both. NPD/BPD.  Both sucked.