exBPDgf exposed at my job interview today

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, the exposure has begun. I have read on some other posts that BPD’s fear exposure and it started today. As some of you may know, I am finishing my internship and have a shot of going back to my old place of employment (better position/pay) which would be great since it would allow me to be closer to my children (not by her) and afford a better standard of living. You also know that my exBPDgf works there and that is where we met. You also know that she has had very brief relationships with at least two other guys there before me. Each time, she felt he was “the one” and let everyone know it.

This morning I went for my interview even though the job won’t start until February (the security clearance process is exhaustive). My friend did not tell anyone I had an interview, so no one except the people in HR knew I was coming. I walked up the steps to the building and she was out front hanging with all her male friends and smoking a cigarette. She saw me and instantly froze like a scared rabbit. I had on sunglasses so it appeared as though I didn’t see her. I went through security and up to HR. I was 15 minutes early so I had to wait in the HR reception area. And the next thing I know, she walked up to me with the most hateful expression I have ever seen on anyone! She looked scarier than my drill sergeant in basic training!

Her: What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in DC?

Me: I have an interview.

Her: You are only trying to get this job because you think it will force us back together (I mentioned in another post that she would think that was the reason)

Me: If you say so.

Her: Just so you know, I’m with somebody and he works here.

Me: Nice (when she was doing the “breakup without breakup”, this was her cold shoulder response when I was trying to carry a conversation), and for a second, I thought she was gonna slap me!

Her: I will be praying to the Lord that you don’t get it.

Me: Nice

Her: Even if you do get it, you will live in torture every day because you will have to see me with my new man who is so much better than you.

Me: I just wanna live my life, so you go ahead and live yours. We aren’t together anymore so why are you here instead of somewhere else with your new victim?

The HR person comes out and calls me. And as I start to walk off, the ex says “I see you’ve lost weight and been working out”. I didn’t even respond.

So, the interview goes great and I fill out the paperwork so they can start the security clearance investigation. I go to the elevator and an old co-worker sees me and we start talking. She says “hey before you go back to DC, let me take you around, a lot of people have been asking about you.” On the elevator, she says “X (ex gf) told people around here that you treated her like crap and she was being emotionally abused by you. We all know your personality and we just could not believe that.” I said “well, when there are two sides to a story, the truth is usually found in the middle.” She said “so you aren’t gonna bad mouth X? I knew you wouldn’t because you’ve always been too nice to do that”.

So we start going around the cubicles on my old floor and at some point, there are quite a few people around me asking me how DC is and my internship. One person says “hey man, when you and X broke up back in August, we were surprised at how fast she got over you. We couldn’t believe how she did it. She started dating Y almost 2 weeks later and was telling everyone how great he is and is so much better for her than you”. At that point, the ex had made her way over and heard it. Now she knows that I know she not only cheated on me, but she put me through HELL and made me think it was my fault. But actually, she did it so she could get with the other guy and justify it. As I looked her way, you could almost hear her face crack!

Soo. Not only was she cheating on me, she drug me through hell to justify her actions. Her new man thought she broke up with me back in August and now knows she didn’t break up with me until the end of October. And now there is a possibility that she has to see me every day and know she was exposed. The best part? The very best part? She was exposed as a heartless, cruel liar who has now slept with 4 men at work and treated the one who loved her (me) like crap just so she could get with someone new.

Thirty minutes after I left town, my friend called me and said, “dude, you handled that perfectly. She actually left work early crying”. She txt me shortly after:

Her: you are a cold hearted b~

Me: no response

Thank you guys for talking me out of texting her the other day to wish her a happy thanksgiving!

[fatalbyte]

Well, the exposure has begun. I have read on some other posts that BPD’s fear exposure and it started today. As some of you may know, I am finishing my internship and have a shot of going back to my old place of employment (better position/pay) which would be great since it would allow me to be closer to my children (not by her) and afford a better standard of living. You also know that my exBPDgf works there and that is where we met. You also know that she has had very brief relationships with at least two other guys there before me. Each time, she felt he was “the one” and let everyone know it.

This morning I went for my interview even though the job won’t start until February (the security clearance process is exhaustive). My friend did not tell anyone I had an interview, so no one except the people in HR knew I was coming. I walked up the steps to the building and she was out front hanging with all her male friends and smoking a cigarette. She saw me and instantly froze like a scared rabbit. I had on sunglasses so it appeared as though I didn’t see her. I went through security and up to HR. I was 15 minutes early so I had to wait in the HR reception area. And the next thing I know, she walked up to me with the most hateful expression I have ever seen on anyone! She looked scarier than my drill sergeant in basic training!

Her: What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in DC?

Me: I have an interview.

Her: You are only trying to get this job because you think it will force us back together (I mentioned in another post that she would think that was the reason)

Me: If you say so.

Her: Just so you know, I’m with somebody and he works here.

Me: Nice (when she was doing the “breakup without breakup”, this was her cold shoulder response when I was trying to carry a conversation), and for a second, I thought she was gonna slap me!

Her: I will be praying to the Lord that you don’t get it.

Me: Nice

Her: Even if you do get it, you will live in torture every day because you will have to see me with my new man who is so much better than you.

Me: I just wanna live my life, so you go ahead and live yours. We aren’t together anymore so why are you here instead of somewhere else with your new victim?

The HR person comes out and calls me. And as I start to walk off, the ex says “I see you’ve lost weight and been working out”. I didn’t even respond.

So, the interview goes great and I fill out the paperwork so they can start the security clearance investigation. I go to the elevator and an old co-worker sees me and we start talking. She says “hey before you go back to DC, let me take you around, a lot of people have been asking about you.” On the elevator, she says “X (ex gf) told people around here that you treated her like crap and she was being emotionally abused by you. We all know your personality and we just could not believe that.” I said “well, when there are two sides to a story, the truth is usually found in the middle.” She said “so you aren’t gonna bad mouth X? I knew you wouldn’t because you’ve always been too nice to do that”.

So we start going around the cubicles on my old floor and at some point, there are quite a few people around me asking me how DC is and my internship. One person says “hey man, when you and X broke up back in August, we were surprised at how fast she got over you. We couldn’t believe how she did it. She started dating Y almost 2 weeks later and was telling everyone how great he is and is so much better for her than you”. At that point, the ex had made her way over and heard it. Now she knows that I know she not only cheated on me, but she put me through HELL and made me think it was my fault. But actually, she did it so she could get with the other guy and justify it. As I looked her way, you could almost hear her face crack!

Soo. Not only was she cheating on me, she drug me through hell to justify her actions. Her new man thought she broke up with me back in August and now knows she didn’t break up with me until the end of October. And now there is a possibility that she has to see me every day and know she was exposed. The best part? The very best part? She was exposed as a heartless, cruel liar who has now slept with 4 men at work and treated the one who loved her (me) like crap just so she could get with someone new.

Thirty minutes after I left town, my friend called me and said, “dude, you handled that perfectly. She actually left work early crying”. She txt me shortly after:

Her: you are a cold hearted b~

Me: no response

Thank you guys for talking me out of texting her the other day to wish her a happy thanksgiving!

[BlushAndBashful]

Ow wow, congrats!  I'm glad she's the one who looks bad.  People have no idea, you know?

I know I'm struggling with a semi-similar issue. I don't work with the dBPDex exactly, but we both work full-time at the same military installation, and our units (Natl Guard) work hand in hand. It's hard to get ahead when everyone "knows" *cough cough* what a psychotic, crazy, stalking, unbalanced, hysterical wench I am- since he treated me like a princess   , pampered me   , and was the ideal bf/DH   . Dang, I wish they had half a clue... .

I hope WHEN I have the inevitable run-in with him, I can handle it with such class and coolness.

[Cannon]

She continues that kind of behavior on the job and she may be looking for a new job sooner than she knows.  It appears she lost her composure today.  That's never good at work, especially in a professional setting.

It is more important now than ever that you not respond to any texts or attempts at contact.  She may be coming for you now.  Especially if her latest host dumps her.  Her behavior today was a textbook example of the patterns displayed and described in the articles on this board.  One second she is hating you, the next she is saying you look great.  Hmmm.  It's enough to make any sound minded person question their own sanity.  I do have pity for their pain.  But we don't need any part of it. 

Gotta love the cold hearted b~ comment.  You probably loved her and treated her better than anyone has.  Ignore it. It's hard not to take it personal but it isn't personal.  They really don't have feelings for us like we have for them.  I have to keep telling myself that all the time.  You did good today.  Sounds like you had good friends/co workers there.  Continue to stay above the fray.  Do not let her bait you.  She already tried today and you can assume she will try again.  Good luck getting the job.  Hold Fast, bro.  

[PotentiallyKevin]

Is there any way I can convince you that this job might be a bad idea? I know it sounds as if the borderline wins if you don't take it, but I highly advise not going down that road - this isn't about winning. I just find that it would be extremely hard to make a clean break, and more importantly, truly begin to heal if you have to constantly run into her and her venom on a daily basis. I hope you have other options, and I really hope you are being honest here and that their aren't any other ulterior motives, just as she suspects. The only reason I say this, is that I have been down that road. Maybe this doesn't apply to you, but it was what I was doing... .

I put on the "I don't care about you" face for quite a while. I tried my best to convince mutual friends that I was over her, and blatantly made sure that she knew how "wonderful" I was now that she was out of my life, by flaunting so in front of mutual friends I knew would send on the "message." This game got me nowhere and just stunted my personal growth and recovery. At that time, you could never have beat it out of me or even got me to admit that I was consciously/subconsciously doing this.

Like I said, this should not be about winning. This should not be about making her look bad, or revenge, or whatever. This also shouldn't be about being tough, and not letting her affect your life anymore, because whether you like it or not, she still does have some power to do so.

I highly advise taking this much needed time, space and distance from her so that you can begin to purge the toxins that a relationship with a BPD always leaves you with. You may feel "better" or like she doesn't affect you anymore, but who are we kidding here? 

There are certain sacrifices that will have to be made that aren't fair, but nevertheless, have to be made. I had to give up interests and friends to guarantee that I could fully exile her from my thoughts and existence. I even had to turn down a job that was only a few blocks from her place because it wasn't worth the risk of "running" into her and so it wouldn't be a convenient excuse for me to "chance" it. I had to accept my weaknesses and embrace the fact that in this time of my life, I wasn't strong enough, healthy enough, free enough to have any sort of connection to her. I was vulnerable. And I was not going to let vulnerability come creeping back into my life and route the recovery I had made and stifle any future I had in total recovery from her. Please please please take these things into consideration. I know it isn't fair. I know you didn't deserve this, but you have to protect yourself.

[Weird Fishes]

HAHAAAAAAAAA, fatalbyte, A+.

Be very much on your guard though.  She will probably be gunning for you now.  However, it sounds like you have several hosts there that will be able to back you up and present a recurring pattern of behavior if sht hits the fan.  You might want to start documenting things too.  Biggest mistake of my work time with bf's ex was not documenting.

Keep doin' what you're doin!

[2010]

Well, the exposure has begun.

Yes. And it goes both ways. Your exposure and the way you allowed others to take sides and gossip might have jeopardized your chance for a job.  

an old co-worker sees me. She says “let me take you around, a lot of people have been asking about you.”  “X (ex gf) told people around here that you treated her like crap and she was being emotionally abused by you. We all know your personality and we just could not believe that.”

So let's take sides at work?  This woman has just crossed a boundary- and it's none of her business.

So we start going around the cubicles on my old floor and at some point, One person says “hey man, when you and X broke up back in August, we were surprised at how fast she got over you. We couldn’t believe how she did it. She started dating Y almost 2 weeks later and was telling everyone how great he is and is so much better for her than you”. At that point, the ex had made her way over and heard it.

Thirty minutes after I left town, my friend called me and said, “dude, you handled that perfectly. She actually left work early crying”.

Enough with the drama. Don't you want a new start? Put some boundaries in place. These people are bored and using you as a marionette in their office soap opera.  The more you allow this- the harder it will be to take back your privacy.

What's done is done, and hopefully, the worst is over. You've shown the HR person that there is tension between you and your Ex. Gossip preceded you and it seems like tongues are already a waggin' for office sport. To recap: you had another woman who fawned over you in triangulation (read definition), another person who knows more about your ex-girlfriend than he should and then decides to gossip to everyone (including you) about it and to top it off -both of you were seen by your ex- (a woman you claim has BPD and therefore a mighty persecution complex) which is now made worse by talking behind her back -and yet *another* friend that personally has taken the time to call you later with a status report about her shedding tears.  At any point do you feel you're encouraging the drama and game playing?  And... .btw, that's allot of drama for someone who actually doesn't have the job position yet- you're just in the interview stage.

If there is one thing I've learned: A person that will gossip with you will gossip about you. Put up a privacy shield and don't participate. What goes around comes around.

Her: You are only trying to get this job because you think it will force us back together (I mentioned in another post that she would think that was the reason)

Me: If you say so.

No, not "if she says so."  You took the job (according to you) for "(better position/pay) which would be great since it would allow me to be closer to my children and afford a them a better standard of living."  That's why.

Keep your eyes on the prize.  

[fatalbyte]

2010. You are right. Boundaries must be set and held to. And I have thought about what you wrote. While I was wrong to let the gossip and talk continue, I did not go there with the intent to expose, but to give the best interview of my life. With that accomplished, I am confident that I will persevere.

Could I see her every day and deal with it? My head tells me yes. And I am a firm believe that once one has regained a sense of self after a breakup, it becomes easier to dissisociate (sp) and focus on accomplishing what one sets out to do. Someone spoke to me about this to help put it into perspective. It was my ex-wife (mother of my children). Although we divorced sometime ago, we have always remained friends sot only for the sake of our children, but because we are real friends. We just were not good at being married to each other. So when she called yesterday to ask how the interview went, I told her about what happened. Her response?

Her: “think back. Think back to the sense of morals and values you learned growing up. Think back to how we raised three beautiful, successful children. Think back to when you had your car wreck (10 years ago I was in an accident involving a tractor trailer and a tour bus in which there were multiple deaths). You suffered a brain injury which left you unable to speak properly, unable to read or walk without assistance. Your family witnessed your determination to better yourself and you relearned to read, talk, and walk. You went back to college and got your bachelor’s and master’s degrees and graduated with honors. Why? Because you told yourself to do it and you did it! You deserve this job. Your kids deserve to see you more. You deserve the fruits of all that therapy, studying, and sacrifice. And when you tell yourself that you deserve to have a life worth living, no one can take that away from you. You didn’t leave you, she left you. Let her live her life and you live yours. Get that job, do your best, have no regrets about a failed relationship with someone who’s mind and heart doesn’t function like yours.”

Now guys, many of us on this board have had relationships with BPD’s and nonBPD’s. And this breakup after a short relationship with someone who I barely had anything in common with hurt. But some of us have also experienced other personal challenges and met them head on and overcame them. We know that a BPD will never know that personal satisfaction. The liberation that comes from setting goals and accomplishing them. The sense of pride in ourselves when we succeed despite obsticals thrown at us by others. Is there any greater feeling than the one we get when we come out on the other side and are stronger from it? NO!

Am I nervous, scared, and fearful? Of course! But mental toughness and a whole lot of help from friends and family can help us get through it. Despite our marriage not working out, my ex-wife has never said something can’t be done. She has shown through her actions that you control your destiny. No one else. I know there will be tension, drama, gossip, triangulation (read definition), projection, rage, etc. But I also know that the exBPDgf has no control over where I live, work, think, succeed, or

fail. I think when we take that power away from them, we experience liberation. Do I still hurt and want to hear from the exBPDgf? Yes! But that’s an apology for closure I will never get from her. And her confrontation validated that.

We can do it guys! This board has helped me so much and the journey isn’t over yet. It just rounded another corner.

[Mystic]

Yep, I agree with 2010 wholeheartedly, and with what you said in response.  

My mother always said "a dog that'll bring a bone will carry one away", meaning be careful who you listen to and share with because they're not necessarily operating in your best interest.  It's just gossip and drama they're after.  

It does seem the whole place is looking for drama.  I personally couldn't work there, but that's just me.  When my ex and I split I would have preferred to have been on different planets, working in the same place would not be possible for me. That kind of environment would have been physically and emotionally toxic to me.  

I will say too that if I were the hiring manager and I had wind of it al, I'd be considering very carefully whether I'd hire you, because stuff like that has no business in the workplace, and usually creates issues.  That's why so many places have no dating policies.  Those rules don't happen with no basis.

If you do get the job, I hope you can wipe all remnants of the r/s out of your mind, and be capable of not responding to her at all.  You're going to need to compartmentalize heavily.  

Whatever the outcome, best wishes to you.  I hope it al works out for the best. 

[Sir5r]

The high functioning BPDs fear exposure greatly because they work so hard at maintaining control in public.  This is directly related to how much stress they can handle and by exposing her that stress will increase a lot.  Combine that with a history of dating a total of four colleagues at work and I really don't think she will be able to handle the situation for much longer, especially if all of her exes are working with her.

When her current relationship sours she will probably make a change, the one thing that they put the most stock in is their reputation. Trying to be normal is everything and that will not be possible for too long where she is now.  Expect to be approached with the intention of "being friends" for the sake of working in the same place. Do not take the bait, it's going to be just another way of getting into your head and triangulating (read definition) you with her current "host."


Sir5r

[fatalbyte]

I think that she fears the loss of control over the breakups more than exposure. This is a person who told me in the past that she does not care what people say or think about her. She said she is an adult and can do or say what she wants and if someone doesn't like it, thats their problem.

[Sir5r]

She sounds lower functioning then I thought from your post.

Does she burn bridges at work?

Sir5r

[fatalbyte]

She sounds lower functioning then I thought from your post.

Does she burn bridges at work?

Sir5r

It depends. She did NOT get along well with any females at work. It was almost as if she viewed them as a threat. However, she got along with EVERY man at work. She could talk "man talk" with the best of them. We actually used to sit next to each other and she constantly had men coming over to talk to her. So, she couldnt get along well with women and many women disliked her. But she was loved by all men.

[Sir5r]

That's very typical BPD behavior they spend time garnering attention from the opposite sex.

The psychologists say it has to do with how they idealized and then were hurt by the parent of the opposite sex.

My wife of 23 years had many male friends in college when we met.

As soon as we were in a committed relationship she had very little contact at all with any friends at all.

Sir5r

[fatalbyte]

That's very typical BPD behavior they spend time garnering attention from the opposite sex.

The psychologists say it has to do with how they idealized and then were hurt by the parent of the opposite sex.

My wife of 23 years had many male friends in college when we met.

As soon as we were in a committed relationship she had very little contact at all with any friends at all.

Sir5r

Yeah she told me her dad was a heroin addict when she was growing up. He would disappear for weeks at a time on binges. Her mom had to work three jobs to support the kids. She told me that is why she bought her own home, car, etc. so that she would never be dependent on any man for anything. And that she felt that since it's her home, she has the right to tell whatever man is staying there to leave when things fo bad.

She also said that emotions that women have are weaknesses. And she hates for a man to show emotions and she doesnt want any man questioning her. He should be able to take her totally as is or nothing at all.