Innocuous text

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After a week of NC, which followed a brutal round of verbal abuse, today I received an innocuous text saying her new co-worker lives in my neighborhood.  I did not respond.  2 Hours later, she forwards an e-mail that he sent to her regarding our school system.  Totally innocuous.  I did not respond.   An hour later, another text saying.   ":)on't read anything into why I sent those texts this morning".  Again, I have not responded.  Why does she feel the need to forward a text about my (not her) shcool system?  And when I didn't respond, don't read anything into this?  I wanted to respond that I read plenty into it.  But why bother.  I'm dreading her next step.  She's oh so cunning.  What should I expect? Thanks.

[blender]

After a week of NC, which followed a brutal round of verbal abuse, today I received an innocuous text saying her new co-worker lives in my neighborhood.  I did not respond.  2 Hours later, she forwards an e-mail that he sent to her regarding our school system.  Totally innocuous.  I did not respond.   An hour later, another text saying.   ":)on't read anything into why I sent those texts this morning".  Again, I have not responded.  Why does she feel the need to forward a text about my (not her) shcool system?  And when I didn't respond, don't read anything into this?  I wanted to respond that I read plenty into it.  But why bother.  I'm dreading her next step.  She's oh so cunning.  What should I expect? Thanks.

[Iguana]

It's definitely an attemp to re-engage. It's like daring you to stick your face in a hornets nest.

My ex does it all the time. Finds a million innocuous excuses to contact me. If I move beyond to anything personal she runs like a scared child.

I think they start feeling out of control and want you pull you in to control you.

[Sofie]

Why does she feel the need to forward a text about my (not her) shcool system?  And when I didn't respond, don't read anything into this? 

If she's classic BPD, she's likely just fishing to see whether you are still emotionally available - her abandonment fears might be kicking in after a week of NC, especially if she has not found a new emotional host. The actual subject she has written you about doesn't matter - she could have written you about anything, as it's just an excuse to get in touch with you.

What her next step will be is difficult to discern - in my experience people with BPD vary quite a bit as far as to how desperate measures they will use attempting to reengage. But you're doing the right thing - stay NC. Anything you'll answer her - anything, even if it's abuse - will be perceived by her as a confirmation of that she still has some control over you. Don't give her that impression.

[redberry]

Mine has done this too, and probably will again.  When we were in a fight and even a few times after the breakup, would contact me out of the blue to tell me the most random piece of information.  Usually something I could perceive as being helpful to me.  As the others have said, it's a test to see if we will respond and to see of they still have some level of control over us.  Staying NC really is the best option.  Any reengagement and the craziness and manipulation begin anew.

[2010]

She's oh so cunning.

She's not cunning, she's in pain. She is upset over the loss of her part-time object (that's you) that represents both the good and the bad in her. This is an attachment disorder. Borderlines yearn to be whole and when they lose the idea of their part time objects, they become insufferable.

When the part time object (that's you) is perceived to be withdrawing, the Borderline ideas of reference about servitude become more pronounced.  That is, whatever good they perceive they can offer to you, i.e, information about the school system- (which could mean anything from buying a house to raising a family together) is cast out to the withdrawing object for reward.  

The yearning for reward is what drives Borderlines to constantly fantasize about becoming whole- but they mistakenly think they need others to do this.  Therefore, they find partners that allow for their projective identification to be mirrored back.  That is the seduction process of Borderline that is perceived by you to be cunning- but it's actually compulsive and unconscious.  The disorder is about fantasy and fusion with a perfect object- only to suffer reality when it is tested. Panic and escapism results.

Her emails are a way for her to alleviate the anxiety concerning the loss of her part time object (that's you) as well as her part-time self.  This is a way for her to self medicate as well as to self harm.  Continuing to battle with a withdrawing part time object keeps her in a fugue state and dissociated from entering abandonment depression. It unfortunately, also places her in a very primitive state of paranoid/schizoid, which splits the part time object into all good and all bad and prevents her from entering the depressive position and keeps her from becoming a whole Human being.

Once you stop responding to her texts, she will enter an extinction burst of communication and/or she will turn to a new rewarding part time object for fusion to prevent her from entering the depressive state. The result of this outcome is not in your hands, and as quoted on this board- "it is with greater kindness that you step away."  That may be her only chance at recovery.  The only thing to do now is to let go.  

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoid-schizoid_position

[Cannon]

Some 18 months after first hearing the term Borderline Personality Disorder, I have finally begun to understand the mechanics of the disorder.  It has taken time, but understanding is definitely helping me know myself better and my role in the relationship.  I remember, in the beginning, a post such as the one written above by 2010 would leave me completely confused.  No longer confused.  It has taken a lot of reading and, often, reading the same things over and over.  It all makes perfect sense now.  I think that qualifies as growth.


Finally changing my phone numbers after being advised to do so for over a year also helped tremendously. 

[lucnatmar]

"She's not cunning, she's in pain. She is upset over the loss of her part-time object (that's you) that represents both the good and the bad in her. This is an attachment disorder. Borderlines yearn to be whole and when they lose the idea of their part time objects, they become insufferable."

There is no question they are in signficant turmoil/pain inside, but the way they deal with it, does indeed involve cunning/manipulative means.  IMO, they know exactly what they are doing, because the agendas they put together require a thought process, along with the extreme efforts they go to to keep from being exposed for what they are.  They have developed powerful defense mechanisms to avoid reality over the years and they will cause whatever damage is possible, to keep relying on them for short term relief.

Most of these folks would appear to be very similar to alcoholics or drug addicts, they need to hit absolute rock bottom before they will begin to deal with reality.

[Iguana]

... .The disorder is about fantasy and fusion with a perfect object- only to suffer reality when it is tested. Panic and escapism results.

This is so true. Right after we divorced I went N/C for a couple months. My ex started texting me about unfinished business (the house, kids, etc) but it quickly turned personal. She hinted on me taking her to a concert. I did and we spent the entire day together having lunch, drinks, dinner, went shopping, etc. We got along perfectly. She even spent the night at my house (in a separate room.) The next day she left a note on my bed about what an amazing day she had. Then she suddenly withdrew and started treating me like a complete stranger because I disagreed with her over her medical treatment.

No big fight or anything, just a normal disagreement. Panic and escapim followed. She's back in her shell now.

They just can't deal with reality... .

[blender]

You were all correct.   Innocuous text progressed little by little to pleading and then ABUSE for 48 straight hours.  These  BPD's are so predictable.  I have such an urge to respond, because the acusations are so awful, and so wrong, yet she seems so convinced that they are real.  As all have said, no logic whatsoever.  I almost feel mean for not responding.  She's afraid that I'm sick or dead, but I know that any response gives her the power. And she doesn't deserve that.  In all texts there has been no admission and no apology.  Just ranting about how bad I am.  What she doesn't realize, is she is giving me more reason NOT to respond with each awful abusive text.  Is ANY response appropriate at this point? 

[Sofie]

You were all correct.   Innocuous text progressed little by little to pleading and then ABUSE for 48 straight hours.  These  BPD's are so predictable.  I have such an urge to respond, because the acusations are so awful, and so wrong, yet she seems so convinced that they are real.  As all have said, no logic whatsoever.  I almost feel mean for not responding.  She's afraid that I'm sick or dead, but I know that any response gives her the power. And she doesn't deserve that.  In all texts there has been no admission and no apology.  Just ranting about how bad I am.  What she doesn't realize, is she is giving me more reason NOT to respond with each awful abusive text.  Is ANY response appropriate at this point?  

Stay NC. Anything you respond will just be perceived as "HA! I still got you!" She does not care what you have to say - she just wants to confirm she still has control over you. If she was genuinely concerned for your well-being, she wouldn't have abused you - it's just to get you to react. My ex always pulled the "I'm going to kill myself"-card, when all else failed to get me to respond. They have no moral limits for what they are willing to do or say to get what they want.

[whatarideout]

sofie's right.

it's about avoiding their pain. responding just relieves their anxiety.

back in the summer when i was responding to my ex's abusive texts, she flat out said... .

"the fact that you are responding to my text shows me that i can still get under your skin."

that's all she cared about at this point. just having another guy she can have dangling from the strings on her fingers.

[blender]

Thanks for the solid advice.  I know maintaining NC is right, but she keeps shooting nasty, vindictive texts and I feel the need to defend myself. I know it won't help if I do.  This is not easy. 

[Alvino]

Blender,

stay strong. It's her "reality" and there is nothing you can say or do that will convince her that her reality is wrong.

Think of a 5-year-old, medically obese niece stomping her feet in a supermarket aisle because you're not buying her the absolutely essential box of sweets she so clearly deserves. You're evil, you are at fault for all her misery, you're not caring and generous enough, you are the scum of the earth - and her mother thinks so too... .etc.

There is no rational argument you can have in this situation - any communication on your part will be interpreted as an invitation to re-negotiate your reality on her terms.

I know it's tough. But stay NC and she may do an extinction burst and then leave you alone. If you give in, it will only make it several orders of magnitude harder to convince her you're serous about NC next time.

Good luck!

[MindfulJavaJoe]

It's like daring you to stick your face in a hornets nest.

[Beach_Babe]

Think of a 5-year-old, medically obese niece stomping her feet in a supermarket aisle because you're not buying her the absolutely essential box of sweets she so clearly deserves. You're evil, you are at fault for all her misery, you're not caring and generous enough, you are the scum of the earth - and her mother thinks so too... .etc.

This would be mine, except add 21 years to the 5... .add another 30 to that minus the obese, and you've got my mother.

Joy to the world... .I am so blessed.

[GravitysRainbow]

I know that any response gives her the power. And she doesn't deserve that.

Precisely. Please keep reminding yourself of that. 

Sofie, Whatarideout, and Alvino all deftly address the issue, and I would just add my voice to that chorus encouraging you to maintain NC despite the temptation. Most nons have been exactly where you are at this moment. Holding to NC can be exceptionally difficult once the pwBPD predictably resorts to the intense re-engagement baits yours is now.

The urge to defend oneself against awful, unfair, untrue BPD accusations/distortions is perfectly natural, and can be very strong, but we have to resist that urge; it's proven to be the best way to disentangle from a pwBPD. Any way to simply block incoming texts from her? If not, there's always the option of simply deleting them unread. (Or perhaps you find that you can't resist reading them? If that's the case, I hope you get there eventually - you deserve to.)

Resisting these prompts for reaction is far from easy, but keep actively in mind that with each bait you refuse to rise to you regain another ounce of your own power, and advance one more step on the road to a pwBPD-free life.

[blender]

Thank you all for the incredible insight and much needed encouragement. 

[doingtheswim]

I know that any response gives her the power. And she doesn't deserve that.

Precisely. Please keep reminding yourself of that.  

Sofie, Whatarideout, and Alvino all deftly address the issue, and I would just add my voice to that chorus encouraging you to maintain NC despite the temptation. Most nons have been exactly where you are at this moment. Holding to NC can be exceptionally difficult once the pwBPD predictably resorts to the intense re-engagement baits yours is now.

The urge to defend oneself against awful, unfair, untrue BPD accusations/distortions is perfectly natural, and can be very strong, but we have to resist that urge; it's proven to be the best way to disentangle from a pwBPD. Any way to simply block incoming texts from her? If not, there's always the option of simply deleting them unread. (Or perhaps you find that you can't resist reading them? If that's the case, I hope you get there eventually - you deserve to.)

Resisting these prompts for reaction is far from easy, but keep actively in mind that with each bait you refuse to rise to you regain another ounce of your own power, and advance one more step on the road to a pwBPD-free life.

YES YES YES!

I have had to do this a few times, even last night.

She knows I don't answer her calls or read her texts anymore, so she moves out about three weeks ago, emails me twice within 4 days about money I owe her ($300, as while WE WERE TOGETHER she laid out, which mind you is what couples do, as my job got slow) but I addressed this countless times prior to her leaving and knew where to mail the check, also wishing me a happy thanksgiving and a very genuine God bless! Last night she emails again--Each email was filled with her critical, insinuating and abuse. I had enough. Not only that, the monster even cc'd my mother. She then texts me, which I instantly deleted.

Never ever answer. I don't even read her toxic junk, the few times I read a sliver was my own fantasy of her being kind. Delete. I put a block on her email address too.

The more you answer, the more you screw yourself. I gave my love and life to this person but will not subject myself to anymore of her disrespect and mental waste. I'm healing and she can get lost. We are in this position because we are good people, albeit maybe romantically challenged, but to allow someone after all is said and done to continue their tirade and insults is ridiculous.

I'm praying my ex girl finds a new host to dig her lobster-shaped claws into because I will never go back to her, and will never allow that in anyway again. I am building a great life now.

[Beach_Babe]

Better than blocking, id suggest changing the phone number altogether if that is feasible.