Still a pathological liar.

[HonestyandTruth]

I'm in a distance, once in a while email relationship with my ex-BPD friend. I'm trying to see if I can help her. But she's still lying about who she is. She claims to be working 2 jobs and doing a ton of socially impressive things in the community. I know she's lying. She did this when we were friends and she was trying to impress me. Why do it now? Especially if I did not even ask? Oh the insecurities... .

[MasculineMinded]

I'm trying to see if I can help her.

I am not sure the characteristics of your friendship... .helping someone who is drowning in a vast sea who refuses your help eventually pulls you into the trouble waters with them... .

I enjoy helping people too, but forced helped is an intrusion on who we are trying to help as well... .or to a BPD it could be an ongoing game of getting people involved in the turmoil and drama they exist in every second... .Caring can be done just as human from afar as can helping someone who just will not see it and may never see it... .

I think your nature is a rare asset in this world... .share it with people who would truly appreciate it... .and thank you for sharing you... .

MM

[zoso80]

Hi HonestyandTruth,

She lies because she's disordered. She has no stable sense of self. My dxBPDgf would say, "I become what I have to so I can fit in." Translation - she knowingly and deliberately goes into chameleon mode to integrate herself. She doesn't understand though her chameleon act only goes so far before she's found out. The longer people know her the more she is exposed, the act doesn't hold for very long.

You're helping her is noble, but consider "help" to a BPD often translates as "what can I get from you." You stand a high chance of being used.

Another person wisely said this on another thread, 2 + 2 = eggplant, 3 + 6 = eggplant, 9 X 34 = eggplant.  The message? You try to apply a reasonable and sane thought process in trying to understand someone who's disordered - it doesn't work.  Nothing computes and nothing makes sense.

It's just eggplant.

Watch out for yourself.

Regards,

[HonestyandTruth]

I was hoping she would confide in me in emails (since we live far from each other now), about her childhood abuse in more detail then she already has. I was hoping her confiding in me would open the door to discussion and maybe I could convince her to get professional help. Mostly I want to do this because I feel for anyone who she lures into her world to abuse again. The things she said to me we're the worst things anyone has ever said to me in my life. I do feel so very sorry for her. I told her, where her abusive ways come from is not get fault. I want to tell her going through life as an abuser is never acceptable. She is on to her next victims I'm sure with no regard or loyalty at all for the friendship we had before she starting splitting me. Those "new" people have no idea what's in store... .

[MaybeSo]

There are many wounded people walking this earth. We help them more by demonstrating healthy boundaries. Rescuing, fixing, worrying about the "next victim"... .staying engaged for these reasons, reinforces poor boundaries and enables more of the same.

[tryingtohelp]

Hello Honestyandtruth

From the experiences I've had with my dBPD so,  honesty and truth are things you're not going to get much of , and if you push her for info she may distance herself even more.  Perhaps if you give her some room she may reach out to you a bit more. 

Does she contact you if you leave it for a while?

[letmeout]

You can wonder until the end of time, but maybe all BPD folks are pathological liars. I was married 35 years, and I can count on one hand the times my spouse was able to tell the truth.

We are getting divorced and he will still lie flat out to anyone's face, even when he knows you know he is lying, and you show him proof of it. A BPD's world is another world entirely, and it never ceases to amaze me how they believe their own lies.

Sorry, I think I'm just venting. Try getting divorced from someone who has a totally different reality than everyone else is very frustrating.

[timebomb]

letmeout- no reason to apologize... its the truth. These people with BPD lie so much it makes you sick to your stomach. Add to that how they embelish,con,cheat,manipulate,etc. they really are wonderful people are they not?  

[2010]

I'm in a distance, once in a while email relationship with my ex-BPD friend. I'm trying to see if I can help her. But she's still lying about who she is. She claims to be working 2 jobs and doing a ton of socially impressive things in the community. I know she's lying. She did this when we were friends and she was trying to impress me. Why do it now? Especially if I did not even ask? Oh the insecurities... .

Why do you think you are ex-friends while you still email each other?

I was hoping she would confide in me in emails (since we live far from each other now), about her childhood abuse in more detail then she already has. I was hoping her confiding in me would open the door to discussion and maybe I could convince her to get professional help. Mostly I want to do this because I feel for anyone who she lures into her world to abuse again. The things she said to me we're the worst things anyone has ever said to me in my life. I do feel so very sorry for her. I told her, where her abusive ways come from is not get fault. I want to tell her going through life as an abuser is never acceptable. She is on to her next victims I'm sure with no regard or loyalty at all for the friendship we had before she starting splitting me. Those "new" people have no idea what's in store... .

You can't fret and take responsibility for other people when you cannot protect yourself first. This need to convince her to get professional help- how does this help you? Why do you engage her in the hopes that she will confess her troubles? Is it to prove something to yourself about who is to blame for your maltreatment?  The only person you can change is yourself. Why choose to remain involved with someone who abuses you?

[juner]

I feel for anyone who she lures into her world to abuse again.

That's a pretty tall order: helping her while saving all who come in close contact with her. Not gonna happen. And don't be surprised if she takes offence to your suggestion that she needs therapy. She will see this as top-down advice. As for loyality to your friendship - could be that day to day survival is hard enough for her and loyality is a foreign concept.