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Author Topic: Considering moving in w/bf... advice on dealing with ex?  (Read 393 times)
Weird Fishes
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« on: December 03, 2011, 10:15:28 AM »

So my boyfriend is great, and I am considering moving in with him in a few months.  The biggest question is how he will handle the ex.

Right now his contact is down to her calling him every few months because she wants something, which he may or may not respond to.  She is enmeshed with a new set of victims so he has fallen by the wayside (FINALLY). 

We have discussed this and he says that he will no longer tolerate insults, threats, obnoxious calling etc.  He says that he has set firm boundaries; if she can treat him like a human being he has no problem maintaining limited contact with her and doing her occasional favors.

I want NC but I can't control him, I just have to figure out if I can stand the above.  Especially the "using him for favors" thing.

Due to various reasons (not her) we have kept our r/s on the downlow, but I am so. so. sick of this and as soon as circumstances change I will stop being secretive about it. 

Eventually the fact that we are dating will get back to her.  I expect blowback immediately; or continued obsession when she gets fired from the next job and loses all her friends from it and needs new attention. 

Does anyone have any experience/advice? 

I feel like me and the bf may be on the same page this time, but in the past he has been not taken the drastic action I believe he should have.  This is a concern I voice but I do not want to make demands on him... .is it manipulation?  Unreasonable? "If you are going to continue to have contact with her I will not move in with you?"
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newworld
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« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2011, 11:17:14 AM »

I think this is about your boundaries.

I have had the same stance as you for a lot of my life- 'I can;t control this person and they have to learn for themselves, so I will accept the reality and not argue with it and roll along... ."

I have been working very hard lately to balance this with boundaries- It was very hard for me to even understand this is where I was failing- i thought if I was 'non controlling" that was "enough". It's not.

I didn't even see it as a boundary issue because there was a lot of baggage I had to clear out before I could see clearly.

You can see me working it out on the staying board on Rand'i thread about "radical acceptance"

Randi's comment to many of us was that we were expecting radical acceptance to do more than it can do. I didn't realize that because I was not balancing out my tool usage, by default, I was unconsciously putting too much weight on being accepting/non controlling.

I am forewarning you from someone who just learnt this lesson a hard way AGAIN- it IS a boundary issue - Smiling (click to insert in post)

You are right that you can not control him.

HOWEVER, he is STILL ENMESHED with his X. They have no children together? There is NO REASON he should be in any contact with her (I assume SHE is a pwBPD, not him?) This is the first thing you have to acknowledge and accept in order to ask you inner self what your boundary really is... .

How long have they been broken up?

were they married?

Any children?

are they still dividing assets?

how long have you two been together?

This man has a lot of red flags on him. I would seriously reconsider the move until you have talked it out a bit here or with a T -

anyway- looking forward to the answers to those questions because they either make a lot of what I said moot or right on point...


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2010
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« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2011, 04:34:15 PM »

You are in triangulation (read definition). You are a staring gate rescuer.

An Overview of the Drama Triangle

By Lynne Forrest

The three roles on the victim triangle are Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and described them as being the three aspects, or faces of victim. No matter where we may start out on the triangle, victim is where we end up, therefore no matter what role we’re in on the triangle, we’re in victimhood.

Each person has a primary or most familiar role - what I call their “starting gate” position. This is the place from which we generally enter, or “get hooked” onto, the triangle. We first learn our starting gate position in our family of origin. Although we each have a role with which we most identify, once we’re on the triangle, we automatically rotate through all the positions, going completely around the triangle, sometimes in a matter of minutes, or even seconds, many times every day.

Starting gate Rescuers (SGR) see themselves as “helpers” and “caretakers”. They need someone to rescue (victim) in order to feel vital and important. It's difficult for SGR’s to recognize themselves as ever being in a victim position - they’re the ones with the answers after all.

Starting Gate Persecutors (SGP), on the other hand, identify themselves primarily as victims. They are usually in complete denial about their blaming tactics. When it is pointed out to them, they argue that attack is warranted and necessary for self protection. These two - the Rescuer and the Persecutor - are the two opposite extremes of Victim. But again, regardless of where we start out on the triangle, all roles eventually end up in victim. It's inevitable.

You may notice that both the Persecutor and Rescuer are on the upper end of the triangle. These roles assume a “one-up” position over others, meaning they relate as though they are better, stronger, smarter, or more-together than the victim. Sooner or later the victim, who is in the one-down position at the bottom of the triangle, develops a metaphorical "crick in the neck" from always looking up. Feeling “looked down upon” or “worth- less than” the others, the Victim builds resentment and sooner or later, retaliation follows. A natural progression from victim to persecutor follows. This generally moves the persecutor or rescuer into victim. Reminiscent of a not-so-musical game of musical chairs, all players sooner or later rotate positions.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0
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Weird Fishes
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« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2011, 06:05:21 PM »

Newworld,

some background info:

He was with BPD ex for a little over a year.

No kids, divorce, assets, no longer work together.

I've been with him for a little over two years.

We have a very good and steady relationship and are compatable on pretty much all levels. 

He has Aspergers.

The motivation for the move is financial on my part.  We are not going to get married or anything.

I'm working on getting a T, never had one, really could benefit... .

Deets if they make a difference:

He met the ex when she started at his/our work. at the time he was in a long term relationship he was very invested with him.  The BPD woman was obsessed with him from day one and worked very hard to break him up with his girlfriend and enmesh him in her life.  When he finally broke up with the long-term girlfriend, he was devastated but had no interest in the BPD.  But, she was "there for him" and pressured him to "just have a physical relationship for fun". He says he knew it was a horrible mistake but he was so depressed at the time he didn't care.

So they were together for a little over a year... .same old BPD stories!... .he dumped her for good and started dating me, and I got to witness the hell firsthand.  She got fired, in part because he was allowing her to do things at work that were wrong because he didn't want to argue with her.  He thereafter blamed himself for her downfall: he shouldn't have been dating her in the first place, etc (never mind she would have gotten fired regardless). 

So after that his plan was to "get her back on her feet" so she could find a new set of victims and leave him alone.  It... .worked... .after a year... .of stuff that a healthy girlfriend wouldn't have stood for... .finally I put my foot down and he drew some actual boundaries and the contact leveled off. 

The boyfriend is very probably undiagnosed, high-functioning Aspergers.  So:  he thrives on routine, is desperate to avoid conflict, and generally unemotional about most things. 

There was a thread on here about aspies and BPDs: someone said that as an aspie, she could tell when something was morally wrong or she was being abused but lacked a strong emotional response to it. 

I think this is my bf: he considers her an annoyance but doesn't get worked up about it, and since he is very conflict avoidant, he is going to take the path of least resistance at the expense of himself.  It isn't so much about him having feelings for her. 

Meanwhile, I'm nuts with rage! still.  I want closure.

Yep, I'm a rescuer.
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Weird Fishes
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« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2011, 06:17:19 PM »

2010:

I have read this before and it describes me to a t.  In all relationships-family and romantic-I have been a rescuer.

It is true, my motivations behind my crush on my current boyfriend were because he was a cranky sad-looking aspie with a psycho girlfriend. 

I am just realizing this pattern recently.  Does that make my relationship with my bf bad?  I really don't know.  I think he is a beautiful human being with many good qualities and our relationship is great.  I feel like I could leave him and he wouldn't kill himself or be homeless or whatever... .like the other ones I've been with.  It's a step up.

So where does that leave me?  Are we sick and doomed?

Can I solve this thing by setting boundaries and sticking to them?

Questions probably not answerable in an internet thread... .
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Mystic
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« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2011, 06:34:11 PM »

You can't tell him what he can and can't do, but you can tell him what you will and won't tolerate. 

If there are no kids, no legal ties, no shared assets, no employment ties, there is zero reason for contact.  Zero.  Anything else is just an excuse for contact. 

Any person more than two in a relationship is a person too many, and continuing contact with her is disrespect to you. 

Be careful.  Wish you well. 

Mystic
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newworld
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« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2011, 07:59:33 PM »

I think there is definately boundary work to be done here in the framework of the triangle-

I think financial motivation to live with a man who has aspbergers (or any man that is not already doing 'the right thing" is something you might want to ask a T about?

"Why do I believe I have a 'great relationship' with a person who is incapable of relating/attaching to other people?"

"why would I move in with someone who is still talking to an old girlfriend?"

"why would I move in with someone, or be with them, when i am reasonably asking him not to give attention to an old girlfriend?"

"Why does it bother me that he is giving her attention and that she calls him""

I know all people with a disease are not the same, it is a spectrum, however, a person must meet certain criteria to be on the spectrum in the first place, and PWAspy's can't feel or empathize the way a person without it can - so ,what really is the issue to tackle here?
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Clearmind
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« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2011, 04:28:56 AM »

WF, from reading your post I would say there are two dynamics at play. One with the BF and I think others have covered that very well and there is one with the current BF. Apologies if I have not read between the lines but how much of a break did you have between your BPDex and your current BF?

2010:

I have read this before and it describes me to a t.  In all relationships-family and romantic-I have been a rescuer.

It is true, my motivations behind my crush on my current boyfriend were because he was a cranky sad-looking aspie with a psycho girlfriend. 

I am just realizing this pattern recently.  Does that make my relationship with my bf bad?  I really don't know.  I think he is a beautiful human being with many good qualities and our relationship is great.  I feel like I could leave him and he wouldn't kill himself or be homeless or whatever... .like the other ones I've been with.  It's a step up.

So where does that leave me?  Are we sick and doomed?

Can I solve this thing by setting boundaries and sticking to them?

Questions probably not answerable in an internet thread... .

These are interesting questions you ask yourself and worth exploring.

Aspergers: What is the difference between BPD and Aspergers?
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Weird Fishes
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« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2011, 03:00:28 PM »

Hey Clearmind,

Between MY ex w/BPD and current BF there was maybe a year and a half.  Inbetween this time I was with a dry drunk, yeah... .fill in the blanks... .rescuing.

The dry drunk "helped" me get out of the relationship with the exBPD, then I dumped him after a year lets not go into that, then it was about three months before I started dating current.

That probably makes me sound like I am some sort of clingy person that can't go five minutes without a boyfriend, it's more like I can't go five minutes without finding a pitiful stray puppy to take home, ha.
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Weird Fishes
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« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2011, 03:20:30 PM »

Newworld,

Coupla thoughts... .I do believe/see my bf is relating and connecting to me.  What he has little emotion/interest in are things he is, well, not interested in?  He is very thoughtful and loving and supportive... .to me.  Other people not in his small social circle he doesn't care about.  Not that he isn't nice/considerate to other people, they just aren't on his radar.

I would describe our relationship as great in that we share many of the same interests, beliefs, sense of humor etc.  We do not argue (exept about the friggin ex! and then its mostly me being angry with no direction, not a real argument) and are very comfortable around each other.  I feel unfettered affection for him in a way I haven't been able to with other people.  He is generous and affectionate.

Some things I like about him that are relevant to the discussion: I don't have to take care of him.  I don't have to tiptoe around his emotions (I often make the purposefully sexist joke that this is the first time I've been the woman in a relationship).  He is happy to do what I like to do but has his own thing. 

Also, I totally don't mind that he has contact with an ex-we actually both work with his ex before the BPD (the one he actually LIKED), and I have absolutely no problem with her and am not prone to jealousy.  What bothers me about the BPD is that she is outright parasitic and abusive, not to mention obsessive, and I have my own resentments with her from work and the things she did to her ex-"friends".  The other normal ex wouldn't call him 50 times at 1AM to threaten him... .not that the BPD still does that but it wouldn't surprise me if she started.

The most frustrating thing is that I don't feel he has proper... .outrage?  He keeps giving her credit where credit has never been earned, like he's dealing with a person with pure motives. 
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newworld
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« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2011, 03:32:06 PM »

Ok, so you are in control of your own feelings about her.

You don;t want a person in your life, even at the edge who you have strong feelings about- start there and work on yourself- it will be faster and you will feel better.

If you are upset because you think he is being abused, that's ok, but he doesn;t think so. So, is arguing with his perception of his life doing you any good?  Can you convince him he is being abused when abuse, while a set of actions, can only work if we feel badly. he doesn;t, so the abuse isn;t working on him.  Can you make it not work on you?

maybe that in itself is enough to make things different.

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Weird Fishes
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« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2011, 03:41:55 PM »

Newworld, well said. 

I've often thought that-why am I so angry when he is not?  I don't like to see people I care about treated like crap.  So... .I guess that's what I can't put up with. 

TIME FOR TALKIES, BOY-FRIEND-FACE
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