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Author Topic: MORE ABOUT HF BPD  (Read 502 times)
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« on: December 21, 2011, 11:33:24 AM »

There has been some interesting threads about HF BPD's and how they act out. . .

I have noticed some other curious behaviours about my exHFBPDSO - just wondering if others have seen similar:

He gets quite haughty and portrays himself as a character that i know doesn't 'fit'. . .for one example, i strongly believe he had an affair with a student more than half his age. . .he spouts up he only supports and helps his students in their academic development etc etc etc. . .but he knows i know he has had countless affairs with students before i came along. . .often more than one at a time. . .it's like he can't bear to think of himself as he really is.

If i challenge him he sometimes turns from haughty and arrogant to almost little boy - saying he is not good enough for me or his self loathing. . .or starts crying

He seems to have become very coarse with his language towards women (usually under the influence). . .about a year ago i was talking to a friend outside a local shop when he walks towards us out of the blue shouting "get your tits out ladies". . .i was cringing, it wasn't the man i knew (even when i knew he'd had a few). . .he made a complete fool of himself - my mate said how old is he, i said 52 - she said well he doesn't act like it.  I have sometimes sensed a dichotomy of his feelings towards women, like he loves and needs their attention but they must never be in control.

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« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2011, 02:23:26 PM »

Is it possible he's a cerebral narcissist?
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« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2011, 03:27:24 PM »

Yes, this sounds a little more like NPD than BPD.
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« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2011, 04:41:16 PM »

I read about compensatory narcissism but from reading i can see many BPD elements in him. . .i think he is BPD/NPD. . . .i think he becomes narcissistic much more in conflict situations.
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« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2011, 07:31:20 PM »

The HFBPDs are more narcissistic IMHO. My ex was HF and although he didn't have affairs with students, that's the only group that appeared to be off limits. Maybe it is too close to incest for him. He has two daughters who are in the age group  of his students. He "prided" himself on being chaste in that area. That said: he could not stand not having female attention and could not control himself even in front of me and he would triangulate me with any woman who gave him attention. He was like a starving animal and would behave in very undignified ways when his desires/needs/impulses, etc. saw a chance to get some attention. He would even interpret what women were doing so that he imagined they were giving him attention when they were not. Disgusting. Think small child with chocolate cake set in front of him and he can't keep his fingers out of it, can't wait for dessert time, can't think of anything but the CAKE. He hates women: hence the dual attitude. they say they love women, but that is not the case.

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« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2011, 08:08:05 PM »

I think thats more NPD than BPD, but in my experience, there is always a N component to the BPDer.   When I read your post though, I cringed.   My exBPD/NPD (most recent) was a complete PIG!   It didnt take me long to notice that, he couldn't cover it up very long.  Soo crude and gross!     My exBPDbf wasn't crude or gross at all, he couldnt help but cheat constantly (apparently), but he never leered at women or made crude comments, he actually seemed sexually niaive.
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« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2011, 08:52:31 PM »

backontop:

My ex didn't do this stuff unless there was a clear opportunity (in his eyes) at any rate. The problem was how much into me he was. A huge contradiction and crazy making and heartbreaking. It wasn't like he did the women every day--but if a juicy opportunity presented itself, he couldn't control himself--and he blamed the women (after he had seduced them). I should add that despite the fact that he knows he has been filtered from my email, he still occasionally tries to reach me in between "soul mates." This is really sick s**t.

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« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2011, 08:53:04 PM »

ps: he is BPD, no question--but heavy on the N.
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« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2011, 04:19:33 AM »

Excerpt
he is BPD, no question--but heavy on the N

I think he is too   

Excerpt
Maybe it is too close to incest for him. He has two daughters who are in the age group  of his students.

When i say students, they are mature learners so mostly not out of his age group but still breaking professional boundaries. . .this young woman who was 23/24 is around his daughters age too. . .and when i called him on it, he lied and changed his story continually until i finally got "he was sending out the wrong signals". . .but i really do think this has caused him "shame" as i asked him what he was doing acting like this with a person younger than his daughter. . .he face said it all!

Excerpt
Soo crude and gross!

Yes, what he said was and nothing i had seen in him before. . .since he turned 50 this is how it has been. . .a different man has appeared!  There is a thread started by Pink Daisy called Triangulation (read definition) and Maybeso has posted about 'lack of self' and i think this is what i've seen.  We live 15 miles apart and the last few years he has been spending a lot of time with 'mates' he's met through his son's football. . .mates who like drinking and would i think have that coarse attitude towards women. . .as he has a house without a wife, they all regularly pile around for nights of football, drinking, and god knows what else. . .i think he wants to think he's 'younger' again and has wanted to spend all his time with them. . .and become them 



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« Reply #9 on: December 22, 2011, 04:26:26 AM »

Excerpt
He hates women: hence the dual attitude. they say they love women, but that is not the case.

Sorry, i meant to add this to my last post but any ideas on why this may be?  The black and white thinking towards women.  I suddenly realise my ex hasn't ever really talked that much about his childhood.  I get the impression he didn't have a great relationship with his father. . .he was his mother's blue-eyed boy - she died when he was about 18 with breast cancer.  It's these things and the thought that a traumatic childhood might have made him this way (and i don't know) that causes me much distress  ?
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« Reply #10 on: December 22, 2011, 04:34:23 AM »

do narcissist have childish thinking like nicknaming themselves after superheroes and loving comedy books. I thought they dont really think of how to help others when they are in need. My ex possibly waif BPD is dating a womanizer boss but I havent seen any signs of N in him but those of what I listed above is what he is into. He also send alot of sexual texts to my ex when I was with her but she never send one back cuz I checked. Because I know Narcissist are only into themselves and they would never help a person with their BPD issues. If you understand what I mean ha.
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« Reply #11 on: December 22, 2011, 04:52:49 AM »

Excerpt
do narcissist have childish thinking like nicknaming themselves after superheroes and loving comedy books. I thought they dont really think of how to help others when they are in need

There was definately a little boy side to him that i actually used to find charming about him  . . .and he couldn't handle it when i needed his support.  He is very flirty and loves it when he thinks women are being flirty with him - he senses this as 'interest'.

Now he is being asked to give answers and explain - he is full of self-pity, self-loathing, blaming - it's ALL about him and i dread to think the picture he is painting to the outside world for them to feel sorry for him.

If your ex is seeing a womanizing boss it may be his N to her BPD feeding each other up for now. . .but WOAH wait til all that blows up  ;p
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« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2011, 04:58:04 AM »

Yeah from what I have heard is that its starting to get rocky and she is annoyed with him. He wouldnt move on when my ex was engaged to me and was an ass to her. But I dont know if he actually has it but Im sure he does because I have heard that they are very charming and convincing in the beginning then crash! they only love their own reflection not themselves. Oh Im having my cigar and a cold one when the show starts n blows up  

I found this interesting as well

Do not presume that a Narcissist and Borderline can construct a successful marriage. If they haven't resolved their respective childhood traumas, they'll continually trample on each other's emotional land mines, and trigger highly explosive episodes, while remaining hopelessly enmeshed.

In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist's grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchable need to win, due to self-worth issues. He won't let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control, he'll literally fight to the death to maintain it--never realizing what he's losing/giving up, while highly focused on surmounting this challenge.

A Narcissist relentlessly tries to 'crack the code' with his BPD lover, due to long-standing, faulty assumptions about himself he adopted as a boy, when his parents required him to be the perfect child. If he succeeded, he might have received praise. If he failed, their disappointment was palpable, which triggered feelings of shame. This child enters adulthood shaming himself, if ever he senses that he's performed less than perfectly! But what constitutes "perfection," and isn't it always a subjective state of mind?
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« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2011, 05:20:00 AM »

SM15000

when did your NPD/BPD ex started to show signs? ex: my ex didnt show the signs till 3 to 4 months. theirs is now at the 3 month mark
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« Reply #14 on: December 22, 2011, 05:55:41 AM »

Then you're lucky if you only got sucked in for a few months  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I met my ex 13 years ago - actually i thought from the beginning he was a bit arrogant but he was also a fun loving, talkative, interesting person. . .i had just come out of a long term relationship with a daughter and he was still living with his ex although it was general knowledge that the relationship was a disaster and he was constantly cheating on her Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  although they were in a situation where she never/or had given up questioning what he was doing. 

Neither of us actually wanted to get into anything serious straight away so i supposed i guessed he would see other people but that didn't bother me. . .but i didn't know to what extent - he has told me recently he was seeing 6 others.  Then it all seemed to change (we live 15 miles apart and have our own responsibilities but this was never an issue for either of us) and  we both talked about only wanting to be with each other etc etc. . .we were (i believed) very much in love - he was considerate, caring, romantic, love-making was wonderful - and this went on for about 6/7 years.  Throughout this time, he never gave me any reason to believe he was sleeping around.  Then as i have said he approached and turned 50, and he changed.  There were lots of strange comments and behaviours - at the beginning i put down to a midlife crisis - but his changing attitude towards me became more and more observable - and then when issues of infidelity arose and i wouldn't sweep it under the carpet, all hell broke lose.  With that wonderful thing hindsight though, over the years there has been 'strange' behaviours but they were so sporadic and as we didn't live together, they were well hidden.

I don't know how old your ex and yourself are?  I think he might have been different when younger, age and experience i think have taught him better coping/managing strategies perhaps he wouldn't have had when younger.
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« Reply #15 on: December 22, 2011, 06:13:36 AM »

Lol Im 27 and no signs of BPD or NPD but I think i have Dissociative identity disorder (DID) mainly from depression but I have recovered from it through therapy. My ex probably waif/queen BPD is 24. we were together for 2 1/2 years and were engaged for 4 months. (I dodged a bullet Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) the womanizer boss is 33. been engaged and left her then married the next and left her. my ex said he understands her. I think it was by his "power" as being the boss and he thinks he can be in control but the thing... he has no clue my ex is a BPD (hehehe) and she loves to be in control and clingy and has horrible jealousy but I never flirt because I was only focused on her and she was the apple of my eye. The boss... .immature and talks dirty alot and even hit on our good friend that works with them. Im sure he is still eyeing or flirting with girls when she is not around. I smelled his bullsht a mile away when I heard what he has told my ex... (he really likes her, she was rare, he never met anyone like her, he feels so confortable around her) so there are tons of red flags but I understand they both are in the idealization phase so. they both have no therapy so it wont be enough Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I been in NC with my ex for 2 months but she has tried to engage a conversation with me... nope not happening Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #16 on: December 22, 2011, 10:36:07 AM »

Excerpt
Excerpt
He hates women: hence the dual attitude. they say they love women, but that is not the case.

Sorry, i meant to add this to my last post but any ideas on why this may be?

Mine hated his BPD mother because, well, she was BPD and shamed him, berated him, and triangulated him with his brother. However, my ex thought he loved women. What he loved was getting the temporary enmeshment fix during the mirroring stage. Women are just objects to rage against. I told him once that he was acting toward me as if I were his mother. He exploded, although later admitted that it might be true "at times," but that he didn't want me saying it--caused him shame is what I think. So, my ex hated women. Even if this is not the same for every BPD, the dynamic of idealization, abuse, etc. will be the same because there are early parent issues around attachment.

As for the students: I really don't think my ex seduced them. Faculty, on the other hand, were fair game (as was everyone else). He stupidly had an affair with the wife of the man who was instrumental in getting him his job and this soured his relations with co-workers. My ex, of course, blamed it on her. I pointed out that it was not too cool to have an affair with the wife of someone who has power over him. All he could say was: "they have an open r/s and she wanted to leave her husband and marry me." Ha!

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« Reply #17 on: December 22, 2011, 10:36:55 AM »

ps: that second part was not a quote but somehow I messed up the quoting thing--it is my response to a previous question.

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« Reply #18 on: December 22, 2011, 11:42:30 AM »

Really appreciate this thread as mine was/is High functioning BPD with NPD traits.

Some interesting points raised!

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« Reply #19 on: December 22, 2011, 02:22:20 PM »

Excerpt
Mine hated his BPD mother because, well, she was BPD and shamed him, berated him, and triangulated him with his brother.

I don't really know the situation with him, his mother and father though i suspect something and when i told him i considered him to be emotionally abusive he said, i only said that to shame him.

There are a few other 'strange' comments i have encountered about his childhood - he always used to talk of remembering his mother's underwear. . .and he always used to say his auntie's (who were all account large breasted women) used to make a fuss of him - kissing him and hugging him into their chests.

Not long ago someone i know who was seeing him for a few months said she remembers him saying a strange thing - asking her if he died "would she come to his funeral" - at the time he was only in his 30s.  He has told me that his uncle (by all accounts a womanizer) would talk about having all his ex's (so to speak) at his funeral  

Sometimes i wonder, is the uncle story 'him' as he is always full of drama and there is something almost fantastical about his thinking. . .
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« Reply #20 on: December 22, 2011, 03:48:52 PM »

sm: well, if all these women come to his funeral, he will have been very important! This reminds me of my ex loving to have ongoing connections to his ex's--they are all satellites that prop up his ego. Since I have no contact, he has taken to keeping contact in weird ways with people I know. One sick puppy. I think it is called passive stalking. He is too N to stalk actively--and he must not have a serious new soul mate at the moment.

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« Reply #21 on: December 22, 2011, 03:53:55 PM »

Excerpt
Not long ago someone i know who was seeing him for a few months said she remembers him saying a strange thing - asking her if he died "would she come to his funeral" - at the time he was only in his 30s.  He has told me that his uncle (by all accounts a womanizer) would talk about having all his ex's (so to speak) at his funeral

 

Hmmmm, My HF BPD/NPD ex would talk and plan his funeral all the time.  I wanted to talk about travel, planning our wedding, honeymoon, watching our kids grow and thrive... .he wanted to talk about all the people he wanted at his funeral and all the music he wanted there... .the play list.  It was like the ultimate fantasy.  He also once said he would like to have a video played at the funeral where he slams all those who have wronged him.  He kept a play list in his journal re: the funeral and made entries quite often, alerting me to changes etc., because I presumably would be organizing all of this in his absence.  It was to be the ultimate party.  I found his fascination with planning for his death to very telling.  He was HF, no classic suicidal ideation, just a lot of funeral planning.  
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« Reply #22 on: December 22, 2011, 04:01:14 PM »

Interesting about all the funeral talk. My ex didn't do any of that. He just said "you can't live forever." This is in response to the fact that he did not take care of himself, e.g., hi cholesterol and blood pressure. When I mentioned it, I got the "can't live forever line." He loved to whine about his aches and pains and when I suggested seeing a doctor, etc., he wouldn't. He just wanted to whine. He really did not want to think about the future and the consequences of his behavior. Lots of variations I guess. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Diotima
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« Reply #23 on: December 22, 2011, 04:45:38 PM »

Excerpt
well, if all these women come to his funeral, he will have been very important!

Exactly. . .pure narcissistic fantasy . . .all these women who loved and adored me crying into their handkerchiefs
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« Reply #24 on: December 22, 2011, 04:49:15 PM »

sm: it is very sad. He will finally have gotten what he always wanted but couldn't have.

Diotima
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« Reply #25 on: December 22, 2011, 04:50:56 PM »

Excerpt
"you can't live forever."

Mmm. . .slight variation but as my ex has got older i think he is fearful of ageing and death. . .he said because both hi parents died of cancer he would have an early death. . .and would be fearful of going to the doctor for a straightforward matter in case they 'found something else'.  Of course, he knows he smokes, drinks, takes drugs too heavily so really he is heightening the chance. . .and as he gets older, he can't escape it forever
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« Reply #26 on: December 22, 2011, 04:58:07 PM »

Excerpt
it is very sad. He will finally have gotten what he always wanted but couldn't have

Diotima666 . . .it is terribly sad because i think that's exactly what he wants - to be able to trust someone to really love him . . .even though sometimes i hate what he has done to me, i ache with his own pain - i loved him but i can't do any more for him unless he does something for himself. . .not going to happen i know.  Radical Acceptance all round  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #27 on: December 22, 2011, 04:59:57 PM »

My ex was a HF for most of his life, until his divorce (and I suspect he may not really be divorced) 7 years ago. He was a high powered NYC attorney.

But since then, he has wandered from job to job, quitting or being fired, and has not worked in nearly two years. He lives in a tiny attic apt now with little hope at age 56.

So he seems to have gone from an HF to a LF at around 50 yrs old.
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« Reply #28 on: December 22, 2011, 05:37:24 PM »

Excerpt
it is terribly sad because i think that's exactly what he wants - to be able to trust someone to really love him . . .even though sometimes i hate what he has done to me, i ache with his own pain - i loved him but i can't do any more for him unless he does something for himself.

No we can't do anything for them. Let's look at our side of things: they offered us something that we really wanted too and maybe it is something we didn't get either, i.e., that perfect mirroring that no human being can sustain. this is not to say that we are BPD, but I wonder about my own deficits in that area and the craving I had for my ex and all the "love come true." I am not going to line up any spares because I just don't operate that way but I do wonder.

Excerpt
So he seems to have gone from an HF to a LF at around 50 yrs old.

I wonder about this with my ex too. He is a high flyer with an international reputation but if he is going to put all of his energy into the endless search for the perfect soul mate he won't be doing much writing. But then, looking at myself: I have done that too, but not to the same extent. I can still focus and write without the perfect soul mate. I must say I've lost a lot of productive time dealing with this issue though! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Diotima

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