Contacted by Mother of UBPD EX Any Advice?

[SugarHi]

December 22, 2011

Hello All:

I have poste before, I have been out of an Abusive LTR with my UnDxBPD BF since the weekend of Thanksgiving when he put his hands on my physically putting me in an unsafe situation.

I have dealt with him harassing me through text, phone calls, instant messenger and FB. Then Also him setting up dating profiles in my name and directing the emails to my box, this I suspect so he can fulfill his need to insult me and "call me out" for "cheating" even though we are no longer in a relationship. I finally told him if he continued to sign me up for stuff I would know! So it needed to stop!

IT seems to have stopped for the most part.

He lives in another state and I was told by my state that It would be highly unlikely to get a restraining order against him because of this. Since then he has put on his dating profile that he comes to my State every weekend to get a Strawberry Lemonaid from a fast food chain here. He comes directly to my "City" which is 40 miles from his residence! This really took me aback because I thought he wasn't going to come back now.

Anyways His mother texted last night and said "I don't want to bother you, but you have to Have"EX" (she used his name of course) Call me ASAP!"

OK REALLY? What Am I supposed to say? We have basically NC in place because I'm trying to move forward, he doesn't want to go to therapy or take his meds! OR talk to his DR about his DX. And So He's going to listen to me say Call your mom? I don't think so! She is highly religous an I don't share her faith, but I respect it. And that's all fine and  dandy but I can't think without her telling me what is such a big emergecny that he needs to reach her, that I should actually forgoe my NC and tell him she called/texted me!

My T. says "What willl I get out of it?" I can say that I'm doing something nice for his mom. BUT that when her son put his hans on me, made me unsafe, and brokemy heart she ignored me because she didn't want to talk to me because I was "not her daughter or her son" and so basically I had to work it out myself! This is the 2nd time in 6weeks she has contacted me about having him contact her!

I know that he already is fully aware that she called him, because he posted on FB (no he's not my frien) that "things your mom thinks when you don't answer the phone"  I will give his mom the credit that she told him during our LTR that he has no business putting his hands on me, like he did his ex, and Apparently his ex did it bac,, but I didn't. I wanted to get out of that situation and was thinking about my teaching career when doing so. I said they always tell you "not to let someone take you to a 2nd location, but they don't tell you how to get out of your first location!"  He isolated me, controlle me, and when I took that control back I have been easing into the NC and Now I'm thrown for a loop b/c my ex lives with his 2nd cousin, his mom's first cousin, an She has ":)isdain" for him, but really he is caring for and enabling his "2nd cousin" to be taking advantage of himself and others by not making him responsible for his own actions. not making him give money for bills, rent, house, or otheer. An Yet he's being seen as a villian when this is obviously the instability of the Ex's BPD in which he is not communicating with his motehr, but she is making it like the cousin is "influening him" (her son) and Like I can actually do something about this!  I know it's approaching the holidays, but I'm not feeling all that "Giving" for all that I have endured thus far, and trying to eliminate the negetivity of the situation on myeself.

Does anyone have any advice on how you dealt with family? our relationship lasted almost 6months, an I never met his mother in person, she lives in a totally different state about 14 hours from the both of us! Thanks for Your Input!

[realityhurts]

Personally, I don't see any harm in respectfully letting her know that you are not and will be in contact with her son for any reason.

You obviously need to ask her not to contact you in the future.

Oh, and block him on FB. You might not be friends but you had a sneaky look. 

[MaybeSo]

I know that he already is fully aware that she called him, because he posted on FB (no he's not my frien) that "things your mom thinks when you don't answer the phone"

He is aware his mother is trying to make contact with him.   He is an adult. Stay out of it.  No need to respond, it just fuels the fire.

[2010]

Anyways His mother texted last night and said "I don't want to bother you, but you have to Have"EX" (she used his name of course) Call me ASAP!"

OK REALLY? What Am I supposed to say?

You don't say anything. It's none of your business.

Your business is to handle your feelings concerning being an overly-responsible caretaker for someone else and the triangle third party pivot point between him and his Mother.

These feelings that arise when questioning the triangulation (read definition) are feelings of guilt.  

Guilt is for what you do (or don't do- in this case) while shame is for who you are.  If your childhood included people that taught you to "do" things in order to have value- the idea of self value is now instilled inside of you that you must "do" in order to "be." Moving around the triangulation (read definition) in this manner is a no-win situation- as you cannot get off the crazy game of revolving victimization without becoming a victim in the process.  The truth of the matter is that becoming a victim in the game is the only way off the game. You must accept that. Whatever is to come must allow for your desire to repeat the game in the hopes of succeeding at it. Success is not going to happen if you stay on the triangle game. Your continuation of involvement only ensures that you play to lose and deliver yourself almost lethal doses of incriminating shame.

Let go of the game between them. Listen to your own fears about letting go. The fear is what you need to talk to your therapist about. It is a fear of looking bad in the relationship because you choose to protect your own interests. Someone has taught you along that way that your best interest cannot be allowed in relationships. Unfortunately, that person had a stake in your withdrawal- and kept you trapped in their web of thinking that you were bad for standing up for yourself and walking away.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

I believe that every dysfunctional interaction, in relationship with other or self, takes place on the victim triangle. But until we become conscious of these dynamics, we cannot transform them. And unless we transform them, we cannot move forward on our journey towards re-claiming emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. The "Starting gate rescuer" tends be enabling, overly protective - the one who wants to "fix it".

Rescuing is an addiction that comes from an unconscious need to feel valued. There’s no better way to feel important than to be a savior! Taking care of others may be the Rescuers best game plan for getting to feel worthwhile.  SGR’s usually grow up in families where their dependency needs are not acknowledged. It’s a psychological fact that we treat ourselves the way we were treated as children.

The budding Rescuer grows up in an environment where their needs are negated and so tend to treat themselves with the same degree of negligence that they experienced as children. Without permission to take care of themselves, their needs go underground and they turn instead to taking care of others.

Behind it all is a magical belief that, said out loud, might sound like, “If I take care of them long enough, then, sooner or later, they will take care of me too.” But, as we’ve already learned, this rarely happens. When we rescue the needy, we can’t expect anything back. They can’t even take care of themselves - much less be there for us!"

[realityhurts]

Let go of the game between them. Listen to your own fears about letting go.

Thanks for this 2010

Your post is, as always, superb.

I'm terrified of letting go, it's probably the biggest factor that keeps me stuck.

[SugarHi]

In reply to Blocking him on FB I did. However we "share friends" and I can't control other ppl in "not being friends with him" or whatever. His cousin and I were friends but he is an IT networking guy so he bragged about hacking into his cousin's account and making sure we cannot contact eachother.

"the sneaky look"? I get some of the responses that get posted even though we are NOT FRIENDS after he unfriended me for the umpteeth time and then acted like it was my loss, and I should "add him back" (FAT CHANCE) I said too bad!

I agree he's an adult and he could if he wanted to contact his mother. His mother I'm almost wondering if she has some PD because she didn't want to talk to me when the situation arose because I'm not her daughter or her son, and yet she still expects me to "make him call her" Whatever~

I disagree with 2010 who said that someone taught me to be a "Rescuer by discounting my need to stand up for myself therfore making me think rescuing others would be my salvation" I am in therapy and discussing with my therapist how to live my own life and not my life for the expectations of others. I have had 9 brain surgeries about 10 years ago for Hydrocephalus and some other neuro things, and that made me dependent on others for some time. Now I'm learning how to say I do Not need your input on my life! But it's not because I was ":)iscounted how to stand up for myself".

Also I am a teacher and it is my calling, and job to nurture the needs of others. I don't think I say that is a fault of my early childhood.

I do admit a fault of my teachings in early childhood of myself fall where I consistenly question myself if I am being "truthful" I recently learned in therapy that I smile even when I'm talking about something painful. A "Grin and bare it attitude" and that questioning my "honesty" even though I am being truthful and honest is because I was consistently questioned when I was a chil, making me second an triple guess myself~ I am learing that this too will reset, but it takes time. The first thing is to recognize you have this default way of thinking.

I did NOT contact the EX, I also did not tellhis Mother that she couldnot contact me. I don't think I will either because I would have to call her or text her, and if you ask me that's just keeping the communication going. I have a tencdency to walk away and just let others figure out I'm not coming back. This is the best way I think fo rme not to "triple guess" my decison to not be involved in their situation.

[realityhurts]

Hi Sugar,

If you block him on facebook then you won't see any posts related to him. You won't see any comments related to anything he has posted and he won't see anything to do with you.

It's not like unfriending someone, he and you won't be visible to each other in any kind of search...

Your need to nurture others was taught in childhood and who's to say whether that's right or wrong. But you did get "unlucky" with your choice of partner.

Malignant intention was never suggested. My parents were perfect too... Ok?

[feelingcrazy7832]

Sugar, I can't believe how many similarities I saw in your post to myself. First of all, like everyone else is saying, if you go to your block lists on FB, regardless of if you share friends, he won't be able to see anything you write. I blocked my ex awhile ago on FB and we do share same friends but he can't see anything I write, my pics, posts, etc.

Secondly, I experienced the same situation just earlier this week with my ex's mom calling me. My situationo was different because there were drug issues involved and I found drugs on her son again the previous week (as I did many times before), kicked him out and called to tell them what was going on. It took several situations like this over the past 7 months for them to finally realize there may be a problem and put him into rehab. She called to tell me how much she and her husband appreciate me doing all of this, enduring all of this, etc so they can get him some help. She said she would call me to let me know how he was doing. I had to finally call her back and let her know that I didn't want any further contact from them. I wish I would NEVER had done that. It ended up making me feel worse.

The point of my call back was to also try and explain to her some things that I had seen in him which I know point to underlying personality disorder and the drug addiction which they tried to focus on was really something to just mask the underlying issues and that he needed some help with those things too. I never got that far because she hung up on me. Funny, everyone on here told me the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and they were right. I was the greatest thing in the world and a "savior" until I started to point out some things they didn't want to hear.

This was long, but my point to you is that be very careful if you do respond. I thought I was doing the right thing too and it turned out to just end up bad once again.

And 2010 - I must thank you for your post. I did put myself through therapy recently and within the first session, the therapist pointed out there are obvious things in my childhood that made me believe my needs and feelings were not that important, hence the reason I stayed with this person as long as I did. I actually copied and pasted your post into a word document to read again.

Merry Xmas everyone!

[SugarHi]

Thanks "Feeling crazy78"

I actually did "Block him on my FB account" but I don't know he has some "alter egos" in which he logs in under and I can't keep up with them all so I think he can still see what I write ect.

I'm a professional so I don't really post major stuff of my life on there though.

And I did decided that even though I was sure he knew his mother was trying to get into contact with him that I would go ahead an FWD him the text she sent me. I originally before I posted here said she wasn't bothering me but then re thought it because when her son put his hands on me, tried to suffocate me , didn't take his meds, wouldn't get medical care, cheated on me, accused me of many things I never did, caused me undue stress, she was never there for me. She instead ignored me and told him she didn't want to "talk to me because I was not either her daughter or one of her sons!" SO I felt like Why does she want to talk to me now? Oh because she wants something... .There's too much of that in life! I am now considering writing his doctor and asking them to formally take me off of his medical records as his contact because he is NOT my responsiblity! It's time to move forward for the best of me. I also have a T, but she's doing Clinicals for the Entire month of Jan in another location, due to her school schedule. I might be back to vent depending on what happens as the 18th approaches his next Doctor's appt, the first I will not be at.