Going to let her know

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been living in fear, denial, and all those other emotions and stress we all hold on to.

I have becoming more and more depressed and detached over the last few weeks and months.

I have been in consoling for the last few months and am finally starting to feel stronger.

The sad thing is my uBPDw has no idea what I am thinking or even that things that are happening are so wrong.

I am ready to deal with what ever outcome happens, because I have no idea how this go.

During the week after Christmas (New Years is my last date) I am going to do the following... .

I am not going to mention BPD... .  but I am almost going to write a statement similar to what I have below and keeping it short simple and to the point.

I am going to let her know I can no longer deal with her actions towards me(punching etc), I will work things like not making her upset(for people reading this it is my fault she punches me), but she can "never" punch me again. She currently is really wishing to bring a child into this world. I am going to let her know that until I feel extremely confident these actions are under control I will not let this happen. I will let her know this could be a year or more. (Because I only get punch every few\several months).  She must find a way to prove to me she would never punch our child.  (For people ready this I do not know this is possible)

That all people especially my family are not "Bad People", that I deserve to see the at least once a month "they live 45 minutes away".  If I leave on Sunday afternoon for 4-5 hours that I am not abandoning her and it is my right to spend time with whom I choose. I am also going to spend time with my friends once a month, that it is my right to do so.  I also do not have to schedule this weeks ahead time, one week should be fine.

I also cannot be ridiculed outside of our home again, do not embarrass me in-front of others.  Please do not point my faults out to world. If something I do\did upsets you that much we need to find a new way to communicate.

If we are arguing for a extended period of time (30-45 minutes on a trivial matter), and I decide to end my bashing and I walk away. I can do so.

I am going to let he know if these actions continue I am going to have to take drastic actions(I do not think I am going to mention leaving yet)



I am probably not going to add anymore topics, and I am going to workshop it in way so I am not making her the bad guy completely. The only thing I would like to add but I have no idea how to effectively add is the handle of comments to my that still leave my greatly wounded and I have never heard a apology just that I deserved that comment. (one makes me cry and one scares my to death)

I realize that this can and\or will completely upset my world as I know it very quickly and shorten "my road to leaving".  I think I am doing this in part to let her now how bad this are and everything will not be a complete shock  if I end things.   I am not leaving yet, so I hope I have not wrong not posting to the undecided, but for some reason I am trying to be a realist and know there is little hope for me to continue my marriage.  That I do not have high hopes for 2012. I already have a consular to help me, a priest to console, and have meet with a lawyer.

Any ideas or suggestions would be great!

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays which every fits better for you.

I am thinking about "Festivas" so I can air my grievances(to bad I do not think they are going to go away)

Peace and Happiness"(if possible for all)

[Mike76]

I have been living in fear, denial, and all those other emotions and stress we all hold on to.

I have becoming more and more depressed and detached over the last few weeks and months.

I have been in consoling for the last few months and am finally starting to feel stronger.

The sad thing is my uBPDw has no idea what I am thinking or even that things that are happening are so wrong.

I am ready to deal with what ever outcome happens, because I have no idea how this go.

During the week after Christmas (New Years is my last date) I am going to do the following... .

I am not going to mention BPD... .  but I am almost going to write a statement similar to what I have below and keeping it short simple and to the point.

I am going to let her know I can no longer deal with her actions towards me(punching etc), I will work things like not making her upset(for people reading this it is my fault she punches me), but she can "never" punch me again. She currently is really wishing to bring a child into this world. I am going to let her know that until I feel extremely confident these actions are under control I will not let this happen. I will let her know this could be a year or more. (Because I only get punch every few\several months).  She must find a way to prove to me she would never punch our child.  (For people ready this I do not know this is possible)

That all people especially my family are not "Bad People", that I deserve to see the at least once a month "they live 45 minutes away".  If I leave on Sunday afternoon for 4-5 hours that I am not abandoning her and it is my right to spend time with whom I choose. I am also going to spend time with my friends once a month, that it is my right to do so.  I also do not have to schedule this weeks ahead time, one week should be fine.

I also cannot be ridiculed outside of our home again, do not embarrass me in-front of others.  Please do not point my faults out to world. If something I do\did upsets you that much we need to find a new way to communicate.

If we are arguing for a extended period of time (30-45 minutes on a trivial matter), and I decide to end my bashing and I walk away. I can do so.

I am going to let he know if these actions continue I am going to have to take drastic actions(I do not think I am going to mention leaving yet)



I am probably not going to add anymore topics, and I am going to workshop it in way so I am not making her the bad guy completely. The only thing I would like to add but I have no idea how to effectively add is the handle of comments to my that still leave my greatly wounded and I have never heard a apology just that I deserved that comment. (one makes me cry and one scares my to death)

I realize that this can and\or will completely upset my world as I know it very quickly and shorten "my road to leaving".  I think I am doing this in part to let her now how bad this are and everything will not be a complete shock  if I end things.   I am not leaving yet, so I hope I have not wrong not posting to the undecided, but for some reason I am trying to be a realist and know there is little hope for me to continue my marriage.  That I do not have high hopes for 2012. I already have a consular to help me, a priest to console, and have meet with a lawyer.

Any ideas or suggestions would be great!

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays which every fits better for you.

I am thinking about "Festivas" so I can air my grievances(to bad I do not think they are going to go away)

Peace and Happiness"(if possible for all)

[redberry]

Is she in treatment or planning to go to treatment?  Henry, on the one hand you sound like you could be convinced to have a child with this abusive woman  , then on the other it sounds like you are about to pack your bags and ready to leave.  Can you clarify?

[ItsAboutTime]

Make one thing very clear to her, physical or emotional abuse of any type is absolutely NOT acceptable. Define your boundaries with her in no uncertain or ambiguous terms. If she can accept and follow your boundaries then I'd give it a long, long test of time before even considering having children with this woman.

[Mike76]

To redberry

All her actions are completely justified(to her)? She has not idea there is anything wrong with her!

She is not in consoling or treatment... .She thinks abusive nature is "acceptable" because of X, Y , Z!

I currently have no plans to have child with her, my reason for making that statement if more a excuse easy way out for me.  I want to prove these actions cannot happen. I would not plan to have a child for several years in reality to prove that she has change(treatment or what ever the case), I just am trying to keep it simple for her sake to she how she handles it.

Yes if needed I am ready to pack me bags.

[Fubar]

Wow Henry!  Sounds like a letter I might write--not the specific issues, but the attempt to placate and draw boundaries that SHE will find acceptable.

So you're pretty much asking her to let you visit your friends once a month.

Asking her to let you visit your family once a month.

Asking her to not humiliate you outside the home (but inside is OK?)

Asking her to prove she won't hit you or your potential child.

Again, it seems like you're trying to frame your boundaries in terms that SHE will find acceptable.  But that's not what boundaries are about.  Boundaries are about YOU--not HER.  Boundaries are what YOU need to function as YOU.  If you set a boundary that says she must allow you to visit your family once a month, then that's what you're likely to get.  And god help you if you try to make it twice, because she's already allowing you what you asked for.

Until your life is really yours, it isn't yours to share with her.  I've been (and still am) where you are--trying to figure out how to make my life mine again without offending her and inviting MORE abuse--physical or emotional.  So I try to calculate how to "compromise" so she'll let me FEEL like I have a voice in my own life.  But at this point, she friggin' OWNS my life.  And while she might give me permission to do something (like visit my family once a month), it's still HER giving me permission to live my own life.

You can only share something that's yours.  If my life belongs to my wife, then I can't really share it with her--I can only borrow little pieces of it for my own use when she's feeling generous--or when she's not looking.

[2010]

Henry, I think you should post on the staying board if you are trying to bargain with your Wife's behavior- you'll get more insight there as to what other people use as reactions and whether they work as effective coping mechanisms.