is this helpful, am i helping or harming?

[artdeco]

Contacted now D exBPD partner who I care about very much, we had agreed NC for a year after the outcome of another suicide attemp and a stint in the physo ward for him recently. He had finally seemed to grasp that something was very worng, his cycles and r/s were getting worse.

But I have just broken NC, Yes i know, not a bright thing to do but... .because I had a feeling that all was not right. rang him up and spent a day with him.

My feeling were right. he is with another, it started out with him just looking for friendship and three weeks ago turned into a r/s. All this in three months mind u

He has been so battered over the last 3 years, has moved 7 times, in and out of 3 r/s and moved states twice. He has lost his job, car, home nearly all of his poccessions and his computer has just died. He has no money and is on what we call the dole (unemployment benfits) He has no friends and no family in this state either

I had a long talk with him and he is very adament that he has not told her that he loves her and that he only spends weekends with her (a massive change, as before once the sex started he would be defaco living there) He has nothing in common with her and is already finding it hard to have conversations with her.

The BPD reared its head of course when he said "i had no choice, you didnt want to see me for a year' And I pointed out he did have a choice and he had a choice now, he is going to brake her heart, and if he was serious about the T that he was about to start, then having another R/s would not be helpful. I Said that you have to start making him self happy noT needing another person to do that.

Ok outcome of all of ths we have arranged that we will see each other once a month and do something  like go to a park or a museam or the movies . We will write down on a peices of paper all the things that we can do and pull it out of a hat and do them once a month. No r/s just friends

sO MY QUESTION TO EVERYONE IS THIS HELPING OR HARMING, both to me and him,  I feel insdie that this is his one chance  and if I offer a branch them maybe it will give the T time to kick in, or am I being a twit. I have never seem him like this and I have been with him of 14 years , true the last 3 have been apart as he spriles down but ... .

[2010]

MY QUESTION TO EVERYONE IS THIS HELPING OR HARMING

Co-dependent, enabling him and HARMING yourself.

He has been so battered over the last 3 years, has moved 7 times, in and out of 3 r/s and moved states twice. He has lost his job, car, home nearly all of his poccessions and his computer has just died. He has no money and is on what we call the dole (unemployment benfits) He has no friends and no family in this state either. another suicide attemp and a stint in the physo ward. He had finally seemed to grasp that something was very worng.

When are you going to grasp that something is very wrong with him that you cannot fix?

I had a feeling that all was not right. I had a long talk with him and he is very adament that he has not told her that he loves her and that he only spends weekends with her (a massive change, as before once the sex started he would be defaco living there) He has nothing in common with her and is already finding it hard to have conversations with her.

Do you want to believe this about her or do you NEED to believe this about her?  You and she probably have more in common than you know.  He has moved on to a new girlfriend- you are upset about losing him. You are now making yourself available to him in order to keep tabs on him and not lose your hold.  Even though you say it's just friendship, the reality is that you want more from him- while he is involved with another woman. This triangulates you and it is your own undoing.

The BPD reared its head of course when he said "i had no choice, you didnt want to see me for a year' And I pointed out he did have a choice and he had a choice now, he is going to brake her heart, and if he was serious about the T that he was about to start, then having another R/s would not be helpful. I Said that you have to start making him self happy noT needing another person to do that.

That's right. That is excellent advice. A sane person would make an honest effort to communicate their fears, hopes and dreams to someone they loved- not go out and find a new warm body to self medicate with.

Unfortunately, for some reason you are more worried about a complete stranger than you are about yourself. Why is that?  Listen to your own advice concerning his relationship with another woman and apply it to yourself.  He is in no way available to either of you.

he is going to brake her heart

What about yours?

if he was serious about the T that he was about to start, then having another R/s would not be helpful.

Having *any* relationship would not be helpful.  Borderlines need to stop looking for rescuers and rescue themselves.  They can't do that with people who constantly check up on them. Time to let go and let God take over.

I Said that you have to start making him self happy noT needing another person to do that.

This should read:  "you have to start making yourself happy not needing ME to do that." 

I feel insdie that this is his one chance  and if I offer a branch them maybe it will give the T time to kick in, or am I being a twit.

He's been given more than one chance over the years. Times up.

I have never seem him like this and I have been with him of 14 years , true the last 3 have been apart as he spriles down but ... .

This isn't working. You need to stop fixing him and help yourself. 

[FindingMe2011]

Im not really understanding, has it been 3 months since the split ? You make mention of how he has been battered for the past 3 years.


But I have just broken NC, Yes i know, not a bright thing to do but.   because I had a feeling that all was not right. rang him up and spent a day with him.

My feeling were right. he is with another, it started out with him just looking for friendship and three weeks ago turned into a r/s. All this in three months mind u

Isnt this how r/s get started, first some type of friendship, whether they are healthy or not? The ones that are accelerated, are typically out of NEED, as opposed to want.

    If you understand he has a mental disorder, you KNOW, things are not right. Your feelings are right, you are codependent, and enmeshed with this person, and since he hadnt been contacting you, you felt the need to rescue him, once again, most likely for your own selfish reasons. So he has found another to feed off of, BIG SURPRISE THERE, HUH.

Ok outcome of all of ths we have arranged that we will see each other once a month and do something  like go to a park or a museam or the movies . We will write down on a peices of paper all the things that we can do and pull it out of a hat and do them once a month. No r/s just friends

   Im wondering why you posted this on leaving board ? Its very clear, you still have some attachment to this person, and thats fine. Learn to accept him for who he IS. No need to tell of all his poor qualities, most of us know the dynamics. My question to you. " Do you feel better about yourself when you speak of him this way ?" Just know you are willingly, continuing the dance, and most likely will, with either him, or someone simular, until you fix your issues. The time you spend focusing on others, would be much better spent, on YOURSELF. We all get to the place we feel comfortable with, BPD, or not.  PEACE

[MaybeSo]

If you have absolutely no expectations re: a renewed romance, are doing this just for humanity sake, are completely detached from the outcome, stick to your boundaries including the schedule of once a month meetings that are in no way romantic... .then it may do no harm to either of you. Im not picking up from your post that this is where your head is at. Are you in therapy doing your own work, too?  If not, we just keep the dysfunction going with our own stuff.  Read Stephs success story on the staying board, she had to knock off the codep crap and do a lot of her own work and quit focusing on the husband and his issues. If we are hanging around Or helping out of hope that they get better and meet our needs (make us happy, fulfilled) it is a recipe for disaster. Does he have any family or friends that are willing to be there for him? WHat are your expectations? What stimulated you to call him, you sensed things were bad... .that is about the only thing that gets these folks in treatment, it's when things get really bad. Rescuing him won't help him. It will make both of you more sick.

[artdeco]

Wow... .well guess I asked the question... .and in answer, yes I am in T

Its hard to answer how I feel about him, its like walking away from an injured puppy on the road that has just been hit by a car. Yes I know injured puppies lash out and bite HARD

He has no family or friends, family lives 5 hour plane filght away or four day road trip. There really is no one else. I am terrified that I will be the one that has to ID him at the morgue. And I dont believe that that is an overexaggeration of the situation.

My life is great without him I have a good circle of very close and loving friends and family although I have lost my mother this year, in addition I am close friends with his family as well. I have been, and am, planning adventures, travelling with friends and making friends with my two year old grandson, none of this would be possible with him. So no i dont want him back as a r/s I just dont want him dead.

I have a tendency to want to assit anyone who seems to need a hand, i do it at work. My T does not believe I am in a co-dep r/s with him I just care because I can see him in pain as i would care if it was any other human being. But it is confusing, I do enjoy his company, we have many mutual instrests which are not mainstream but again but again not to the extent of wanting to re engaging as a couple.

[FindingMe2011]

He has no family or friends, family lives 5 hour plane filght away or four day road trip. There really is no one else. I am terrified that I will be the one that has to ID him at the morgue. And I dont believe that that is an overexaggeration of the situation

   So whom is responsible, for him treating himself this way ?, Is somebody making him stay here? Chances are his r/s with his family, is not what it appears, or he could/should have the ability to lean on them. Its his choice, and he makes a choice everyday, when he wakes up, as do you and I. We are all responsible for ourselves, and regardless what is healthy or not, its his wish, or he would do something different


I have a tendency to want to assit anyone who seems to need a hand, i do it at work. My T does not believe I am in a co-dep r/s with him I just care because I can see him in pain as i would care if it was any other human being. But it is confusing, I do enjoy his company, we have many mutual instrests which are not mainstream but again but again not to the extent of wanting to re engaging as a couple

 

Helping others, is a great trait. One that many on here, do to a fault. I have now learned to only help those that help themselves, or would help me in return. Again not right or wrong, just different. I would find myself helping some people, who really didnt deserve it, from a lack of self worth on my part.   You get something from this r/s, or you wouldnt. ALL r/s, are codependent to some degree, some healthy, some not so healthy. If it doesnt effect you in a negative way, than good for you. So how does feeling sorry for him, help him ? Chances are, it just keeps him in his pity party. Just where BPD likes it. Regardless, of the words.   There is nothing wrong with this, as long as all of the participants have an understanding. For me, the way my r/s unfolded, with my stbxBPDw, and her continued constant attempts, to effect my life in a negative way, then come out of nowhere with a kind word, and expect me to forget her behavior, and act as if nothing happened, (which upon further review, is what I did, in the name of keeping our family together) is something that I can no longer do. I understand this is how she WON, whatever sick game she needed to play, and although I learned to pick my battles, today I no longer play. Im not sure, if we could ever have, a r/s of any kind. We have children together, and that is the downside. Her future actions, and her ability to take responsibility, for her actions, will dictate this. Im not holding my breathe.  Ive come to realize, that my motives, and BPDer motives, are worlds apart. She can have her world, its her right.  PEACE   

[MaybeSo]

I am terrified that I will be the one that has to ID him at the morgue. And I dont believe that that is an overexaggeration of the situation.

You do not have to convince those on this board that this is a real possibility.

I've seen too many suicides on this board already to not take this seriously.  As should you.

Being in any kind of r/s with him won't protect him or you from his suicidal ideation.  Even clinicians who are trained to keep the boundaries as spotless as humanly possible, can't control for this.  How can you? Being in his life actually facilitates the likelyhood of you having this kind of experience with him sooner or later.  Trying to be in his life and not be a rescuer would be extremely difficult esp. since you guys were at one point more than just buddies, right?  What happens when/if he wants more from you than you are willing to offer?  Therapists have to firmly say NO and set very strict boundaries all the time with borderline clients, otherwise they can get called and pestered and badgered to the extreme.  There are contracts with therapists in which the pwBPD agrees that if he ends up in the hospital with a sucicide attempt, the therapy will end, because the therapy frame has been broken.  When you set boundaries, it feels like rejection to the pwBPD, he may feel suicdial and/or make an attempt on his life... .and so, being in his life is not going to protect you from this kind of scenario, being in his life will actually increase the likelyhood that you may witness or go through these kinds of things with him. So if you choose this role with him, do so with your eyes wide open and really embrace what that means.

I agree with the post above also... .he is making choices.  It doenst' feel llke it to him, but he is.