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Author Topic: EX BPD..so cruel  (Read 1085 times)
annbutterfly
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« on: December 27, 2011, 02:27:08 PM »

Well, we work so hard at NC and they just seem to find any/every way possible to ruin our days :'(.

Been broken apart from BPD ex husband for 3 months. Been at NC for 7 weeks. He was in new RS within days of our breakup, but constantly trying to get me back. Got an email from him (he had to create an new email account to contact me bc he is blocked on all other accts) stating he got engaged on 12/23.  I don't want him back AT ALL   ... .but why do they have to be so cruel?

I am really struggling at the moment. I feel like all I do is work hard at NC--blocking phone #s, emails, holding mail at PO, keeping work phone on Vmail, avoiding places he is, not speaking when he DOES follow me and try to intimidate me... .and to NO avail! He just continues to find ways to contact me and be cruel to me. I feel like when I don't get harassed for several days, my wounds heal a little, only to have the scabs picked right off again when he decides to contact me. Help,help, help... .any support on how to finally come to a point where they aren't unnerving you or letting them hurt you?

annie :'( :'( :'( :'(
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« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2011, 02:39:07 PM »

Hi Ann,

So sorry ... .

Had the same sort of stuff.

Ask yourself a question ... .it s a good one. If your ex was as truely happy as he claims why would he be taking the time to annoy you ?

In their minds they create these elaborate fantasies and truth or reality have not a lot to do with anything. Taking time out to rub your nose in it or hurt you is just pathetic. My own idiot did the same and tried and tried again and again till she worked out even this didn't annoy me. Of course she still tries and at various times I am painted black one week ... .white the next ... .black the  next and its all in her mind.

I honestly hope my ex gets married to the fellow she moved on within 7 days as he used to be a friend ... .likely she cheated on me ... .and he deserves everything I know she will give him in terms of pain. Already I know she is cheating outside the RS with her new toy and even tried to with me to break NC ... .

All just sick stuff that goes on in their minds.

You are better off without them in your life. 

So so sorry they took the time to hurt you and hope it comes back to them 10 fold  snowman
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traveller

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« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2011, 03:07:04 PM »

Mine also does this... .rip off scabs. It always keeps me off guard and constantly living in a fight or flight mode. Since we have children and he has been the primary breadwinner, he can call to speak to the kids when he likes, he has cut off, then cut on my cell phone... .all of which I remained NC with, but then he cut me off of the bank account, I was forced to reengage and it wasn't pretty. I know that he feels good that he got me to respond. It felt, to me, that I erased all of my progress and it took me back to the starting point. This won't end until I am financially independent. This is my goal. I know how painful it is Ann. Do your best to get yourself into a position to better take care of your own needs, it's obvious that your ex is oblivious to them. My best to you. <3
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« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2011, 03:31:19 PM »

This is normal. It is a phase of detaching called the paranoid/schizoid position. You'll have this for awhile, due to the splitting that is needed to protect your ego.  :)on't worry- everyone does this and it's normal. Eventually you two won't even think about each other and the next stage of abandonment depression will kick in. That's when you may even try to contact him- because the painful feelings of depression are much harder to overcome than anger.  Just realize that this is something normal- and it's going to happen.

For more information: www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoid-schizoid_position

"Melanie Klein describes the earliest stages of infantile psychic life in terms of a successful completion of development through certain positions. A position for Klein describes is a set of psychic functions that correspond to a given phase of development, always appearing during the first year of life, but which are present at all times thereafter and can be reactivated at any time. There are two major positions: the paranoid-schizoid position and the depressive position. The earlier more primitive position is the paranoid-schizoid position and if an individual's environment and up-bringing are satisfactory, she or he will progress through the depressive position.

As one of the originators of Object Relations theory, Klein sees emotions as always related to other people or objects of emotions.

Paranoid refers to the central paranoid anxiety, the fear of invasive malevolence. This is experienced as coming from the outside. Paranoid anxiety can be understood in terms of anxiety about imminent annihilation and derives from a sense of the destructive or death instinct of the child. In this position before the secure internalistion of a good object to protect the ego, the immature ego deals with its anxiety by splitting off bad feelings and projecting them out. However, this causes paranoia. Schizoid refers to the central defense mechanism: splitting, the vigilant separation of the good object from the bad object.

Klein posited that a healthy development implies that the infant has to split its external world, its objects and itself into two categories: good (i.e., gratifying, loved, loving) and bad (i.e. frustrating, hated, persecutory). This splitting makes it possible to introject and identify with the good. In other words: splitting in this stage is useful because it protects the good from being destroyed by the bad. Later, when the ego has developed sufficiently, the bad can be integrated, and ambivalence and conflict can be tolerated.

Later with greater maturity and the resolution of the depressive position, the ego is able to bring together the good and bad object thereby leading to whole object relations. Achieving this involves mourning the loss of the idealised object, and associated depressive anxieties."

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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annbutterfly
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« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2011, 04:36:32 PM »

Thank you all for your comments. I want to reply to several of you, but i don't quite understand how the "quote" option works. Can anyone help me with this... I read the site tutorial, but I still don't understand how to do it ;p  I'm a tech dummy!
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annbutterfly
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« Reply #5 on: December 27, 2011, 05:25:44 PM »

Excerpt

Ask yourself a question ... .it s a good one. If your ex was as truely happy as he claims why would he be taking the time to annoy you ? I know he's not truly happy because he doesn't know how to be. I gave him the WORLD and he was never satisfied. I don't want him to annoy me. I realize others on here still pine for their BPD, but I just want to be left alone... so frustrating

Excerpt
[/quoteYou are better off without them in your life.  I truly believe this; however he refuses to get out of my life!

Excerpt
It's a sad fact but they never ever want you to 'get over' them or heal in any way. It's all about them my dear and you must make it all about YOU in return. Do you have a T you can discuss this with as well?

This is where I'm stuck. I am very clear on this fact that he doesn't want me over him. I WANT to be over it... I don't know how to make it about me, when he's constantly stabbing my wounds. Yes I have a therapist... I don't see him regularly. Think it's time for a visit!

Excerpt
Do your best to get yourself into a position to better take care of your own needs, it's obvious that your ex is oblivious to them. My best to you. <3

Thank you. Luckily I am financially separate from him, and also I have no children with him. This is a Godsend bc he makes the 1st ex miserable with using the children to control her every move... .literally.  


2010... thanks for the info on detaching.

I just want to understand how any of you ever get over the wounds of a horrid relationship like these are, when the BPDs just constantly harass and stalk you! It's totally exhausting. My family/friends are sick of it. They all just want me to file charges... too scared of the distortion campaigns

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« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2011, 05:46:54 PM »

Hi Ann,

Yes I wish it wasn't so ... .

I know you have done everything possible to keep this thing out of your life.

I did too ... .and still at times they persist. Pat yourself on the back that you are now out of it.

Be kind to yourself.

And other options ... .I had to resort to them. My own even 10 months out still persists ... .

Any email once you know its from them ... .no matter how curious ... .DELETE ... .dont read it ... .its just drivel.

Same for phone ... .or personal encounters ... .call the police and say he is threatneing you ... .

But keep the stuff to zero. Phone message ... .delete once you hear their voice. No response ever.

Just sad ... .my wish for 2012 is my ex goes away. Same for you 
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RedWillow57

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« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2011, 06:03:51 PM »

Hi Annie--So sorry you have to deal with such cruelty on top of everything else.  I've been there once before with an NPD ex-BF... .it does get better, as they eventually give up if you keep to the high road. 

In my current situation, I've been NC 5 mos. and haven't yet run into my ex-BF, primarily because I've avoided places where I might see him and he's not contacting me.  I do dread the day I bump into him, though. 

To get prepared for that, I found a process that I think will work.  It's called anchoring.  The basic idea is to replace the fear/anxiety/anger you associate with him with a powerful image of yourself.  Sit quietly and find an image to hold in your mind of a time when you felt centered and powerful (or imagine yourself in such a setting).  When you have the image in mind, find a place on your body that will be the anchor for that image.  Touch the anchor/place on your body with your hand.  The anchor and your own touch will remind you to bring the image to mind when you see him.

I chose a memory of myself on the day after I broke up with uBPDexBF.  I had hiked into the wilderness and felt strong and free that day.  The image is of me sitting in a particular place amongst boulders high in the alpine country soaking up the healing forces of nature.  To bring the image to mind, I use my left wrist as the anchor, circling it with my right hand. 

I've used this process for other issues, and it does work.  In this case, when I see him, I will circle my left wrist with my right hand and bring the image to mind and hold it there while ignoring him.  Just circling my wrist can also remind me to breathe and get centered.  Even now, when I go out and about and some anxiety creeps in because I might bump into him, I remind myself that I've got my wrist-wrap technique and touch my wrist to reinforce that idea.

Obviously this doesn't take care of his obnoxious behavior, but it does give you a process for quickly pulling yourself into the frame of mind that will enable you to stay centered and rebuff his cruel attempts to bait you.

Hope you find this helpful.  Hang in there... .it takes months in my experience to naturally get to the place where their cruelty no longer hooks us.

RedWillow

   
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annbutterfly
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« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2011, 06:29:21 PM »

This is awesome redwillow! I'm going to try this! These are the types of techniques I need!

Excerpt
I know you have done everything possible to keep this thing out of your life

I love it truly... ."this thing"... it's true! Not a person but a thing, literally! An evil thing!

Excerpt
Just sad ... .my wish for 2012 is my ex goes away. Same for you 

Truly... I know me too. I have to ask for forgiveness a lot for the evil wishes I have upon him. I literally wish he'd disappear... that is sad that I could feel that way about another human, but I really do :'( it makes me sad that he's filled me with that much bitterness and that my heart could be that cold. I want to become the loving carefree person I used to be pre-BPD RS!
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« Reply #9 on: December 27, 2011, 06:46:06 PM »

Hi Ann

Nothing wrong with being indifferent or actually not wanting anything to do with someone who has hurt you so badly !

Its healthy as opposed to what we endured during and after the RS. Wanting to avoid it is only natural. I suppose I have seperated the hate and anger in the main from the BPD illness ... .yes I dont wish anything good for her but it brings me no shame or angst not wishing her well.

hard when we loved somone so much ... .how poorly they treated us and FINALLY to recognise they are not a force for good in our lives and never will be.

Wishing you well for 2012 
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Suzn
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« Reply #10 on: December 27, 2011, 08:10:31 PM »

   hey annbutterfly... .The first thing that comes to mind is when I put this saying in my mind when I was dealing with exactly what you are... ."neener neener look what Ive got" sighhhhh yep something a child says. Every time I heard what a great catch she caught this time I thought of this and actually laughed.

   When they contact you like this its an intrusion. None of us like intrusions very much. It was maddening to me and being a codependent... .its about control. MY control. Or in my mind the lack of it when my exBPDgf did this. I truely wasnt able to let this go until I grieved this r/s. Once I was thru that it became easier. I worked on me, focused on me for a loong time, coming here posting, therapy, affirmations, dream interpretation, read all over the internet about codependence... some of what I did. I went looking for what would fix me, I didnt just expect it to happen without work. I came to win... my mantra. Ok Im a lil over a year out of the r/s and a year NC technically. (I answered one email and had a run in face to face once where I stood my ground) Other than that I changed my number 3 times, blocked her on FB and her emails have been flagged spam so they go straight to the trash bin... I never see them. I do see her out and about every few months since my community is small, I just ignore her now when that happens.

Learning about radical acceptance helped alot too.

Radical Acceptance for family members

It gets better. This didnt come about over night, it takes more than that to get better.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
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« Reply #11 on: December 27, 2011, 08:33:52 PM »

Hi Ann,

so so so true.

Sadly I dealt with a PD mother and learnt a long while ago to deal with the issues.

Excerpt
"You don't marry someone who's like your opposite sex parent (boys their mother, or girls their father). You marry someone who's like the parent with whom you had the most troubling issues"

This is so true for me! I've always longed for the man who WAS like my dad; gentle, loving, patient. But marriage #1 I married a nice enough guy, but was completely bored with him; not a devoted husband.  2nd time... bang... the BPD male who was the much worse counter part of my verbally abusive mother!

Even avoided a few BPD's in the years between without knowing exactly what they were but again drawn to them. I was fortuante to not get seriously involved or hurt by a few close misses till ... .yep got mixed up with one which managed to fool me totally and fell through my defences and caused mayhem.

We live ... .we learn and hopefully we grow and dont repeat the same mistakes. The if only comes in here and how did I fail to see it when in the past I did ? Came up with some fairly telling answers when i asked myself this question. Not all of them pleasant but have forgiven myself  Being cool (click to insert in post)


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StillInShock
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« Reply #12 on: December 27, 2011, 08:45:53 PM »

  hey annbutterfly... .The first thing that comes to mind is when I put this saying in my mind when I was dealing with exactly what you are... ."neener neener look what Ive got" sighhhhh yep something a child says. Every time I heard what a great catch she caught this time I thought of this and actually laughed.

 

I was in the same exact situation two weeks ago... .when my ex-fiance told me that he has someone in his life and he loves her... .then he was trying to convince me to be his mistress... .since he can't get over our love making

He thought that I will get jealous from her ... .how can I envy her knowing that eventually her guts will be ripped out of her body while she is alive?... .how can I be jealous of a another woman while her current fake lover, the moment he saw me two weeks ago, he kissed me with fierce passion telling me he wants me?

He is totally insane... .I never imagined that he is that sick... he talks about love but he never loved me or her... .it is all about him self  
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« Reply #13 on: December 27, 2011, 09:19:25 PM »

Hi Suzn,

Excerpt
He thought that I will get jealous from her ... .how can I envy her knowing that eventually her guts will be ripped out of her body while she is alive?... .how can I be jealous of a another woman while her current fake lover, the moment he saw me two weeks ago, he kissed me with fierce passion telling me he wants me?

He is totally insane... .I never imagined that he is that sick... he talks about love but he never loved me or her... .it is all about him self 

Sadly had the same happen with me. Moved on within 7 days and likely before. told her new toy was the love of her life blah blah blah ... .whilst trying to remain in contact with me.

Fell sadly for the NC breach via a suicide attempt ... .where she on one hand tells me she will be with her new toy for the rest of her life ... .whilst telling me next sentence how she wants me to sleep with her and actually accepting it as normal.

Sadly it isn't normal ... .and BPD working in full flight.


Contact and No contact and these games played are BPD all over. Some are to keep us on a string as the backup plan ... .others are to rub it in their new partners face and go hey my ex still wants me and cause emotional terrorism on their new partner basically blacmail others are there to keep you involved in some wierd love triangle ... .list goes on and on.

None of it any good and nothing positive comes out of it ... .unless you stand back and recognise it for what it is and actually study the BPD as opposed to the person ... .  last contact I ever had was like this and it was sad in so many ways to know at that stage what BPD was ... .how it operated and the various techniques and to see and recognize it in action.

My desire for any contact went from near zero to being repulsed by the idea.

Hard if not impossible of course when it is happening for someone you loved and desired throwing themselves at you and being able to resist. Having seen the dance before I was able to see what was happening and see how disturbed it was to actually on one hand be saying I love him ect ect but can I cheat with you ?


It is of course one of the BPD traits to have this sort of sexual morality or lack of it ... .along with addiction and think nothing of it. Not being a prude but if our in a RS in my books it meqans being faithful.

Take care  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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StillInShock
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« Reply #14 on: December 27, 2011, 09:33:46 PM »

My desire for any contact went from near zero to being repulsed by the idea.

I waited for three months for that contact... .as painful as it is... .it wasn't shocking... .by this time I knew about his undiagnosed illness... .his confession that he replaced me before he got rid of me... .was a confirmation to my theories... .so I totally expected and predicted his behavior

It gave me the closure... .he is not the person that I fell in love with... .then I shouldn't regret the loss of someone never existed... .trying to convince my self... .but it is difficult to let go

I'm still struggling to comprehend how the psychopaths can fake all that seduction and charming to conceal their true ugliness!

How an incredibly enchanting and intense love story... .was nothing but a trap... .a part of a game of a sick mind

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annbutterfly
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« Reply #15 on: December 27, 2011, 10:47:05 PM »

Excerpt
he is not the person that I fell in love with... .then I shouldn't regret the loss of someone never existed... .trying to convince my self... .but it is difficult to let go

I'm still struggling to comprehend how the psychopaths can fake all that seduction and charming to conceal their true ugliness!

I think this is something I struggle the most with from wayyy back. I hung on for 3 years to the "good things" about him. The things that were unique and that no other man had ever shown me before

1.passion of wanting to be together all the time; never apart

2.no desire for male friends

3.appeared very family oriented

 It was all just a lie. So those "unique" qualities that I "hung on for" were never real. It's really a hard pill to swallow, being told how you are "the best" at almost everything, he'll never find anyone as good, I'm the one God put on this earth for him...  , to realize they were all just lies. Makes you really question your worth and all those "qualities" you believed you had yourself... knocks the wind right out of us!
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annbutterfly
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« Reply #16 on: December 27, 2011, 10:51:14 PM »

He had me so manipulated from day one that I was totally duped into thinking he was this saintly man  who was very sexually shy around women. Now to discover that that was all just a lie too, be keep me from realizing that he was really a "player" and probably cheating on me the entire 5 years. Because I believed his lies of his shyness with women etc... .I never questioned when he said he was working until 1-2 am. (He was a work-a-holic)... .I'm sure there were many times when work wasn't the MO... Totally not the person I thought he was; the man I fell in love with... .who didn't really exist
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