My issue not hers

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My issue... .why did I stay or more importantly now, what is wrong with me!

I have been reading these boards for months learning about BPD. I posted for the first time a few days ago and the response I received was what is lacking in me or how did it happen. I have some insight into my self that I did not have before.

My relationship with my wife followed a pattern in my life. I know now that I NEED love, but that my approach to love followed the same pattern, which has nothing to do with BPD. Some of this is vanity, but most is not. I have a need to be with attractive women. I equate love and sex. If the sex is good then I fall for the woman feeling that this somehow provides me with what I need.

There is a hole in my soul that I try to fill in this manner. I am seeing a good T and intend to share this with him and get his feedback. Whatever, from my childhood or later in my life that led me down this path I hope to discover and correct.

[fsu1965]

My issue... .why did I stay or more importantly now, what is wrong with me!

I have been reading these boards for months learning about BPD. I posted for the first time a few days ago and the response I received was what is lacking in me or how did it happen. I have some insight into my self that I did not have before.

My relationship with my wife followed a pattern in my life. I know now that I NEED love, but that my approach to love followed the same pattern, which has nothing to do with BPD. Some of this is vanity, but most is not. I have a need to be with attractive women. I equate love and sex. If the sex is good then I fall for the woman feeling that this somehow provides me with what I need.

There is a hole in my soul that I try to fill in this manner. I am seeing a good T and intend to share this with him and get his feedback. Whatever, from my childhood or later in my life that led me down this path I hope to discover and correct.

[2010]

   Well this is a brilliant post with much wisdom.  And you know what? Gold can come out of this.

You are in the Crucible at the moment- and the heat is turned on and everything is transforming- but it's a spiritual alchemy that will become your Magnum Opus.

Jung saw alchemy as a psychology dedicated to the achievement of individuation, but each person had to go through three stages:

    * The initial fire - blackening (-putrefaction): corruption, dissolution. BETRAYAL

    * The Burn -white hot heat: purification, burnout of impurities that dont belong. HEARTBREAK

    * citrinitas, yellowing: spiritualization, enlightenment. GOLD.

It is in citrinitas that the Chemical Wedding takes place, and Gold is eventually born.

Right now you're in Heartbreak- The BURN, and it feels like Hell- but that's just the burnout of impurities that don't belong. You have to take it one day at a time and let it burn. You have to come to terms with what you're dealing with. That's the Burn stage of the crucible. You can't avoid it, but you will get through it.

The last stage is an important change that will affect both your mind and your spirit and your soul. Perhaps it's the one thing you were meant to do above all- to come to terms with your past, your present and your idea of yourself. Let go of the future, predicting that is futile. Take it one day at a time and step into a New Year.  Welcome 2012 and remind yourself that you are Human and deserving of love.

[fsu1965]

My T told me last month that " everyone is afraid of change". When he told me this I did not understand at first. Now, I am beginning to get it. He is a very wise man. I have thought about the advise he gave me ever since.

Your analysis is in line with what he suggested. I have read Jung, in fact he is one of my favorite spiritual advisors, but it has been many years since I have read any of his teachings. I will now look back and examine what you have said.

My T told me that my wife is what she is and that I did the best I could, but that the marriage never had a chance. At first my mind wanted to dismiss his insight, but not anymore. I intend to get through the Burning Phase to rid myself of imperfections and thinking that lead me into this nightmare. To do this I am willing to look at all that was involved in the marriage and the role I played.

One day at a time is a simple concept that I learned in AA. When I first heard this I did not fully comprehend its power. I intend to apply it to recovering from the heartbreak of my marriage. Thank you for your comment.

[AwareNow]

fsu1965,

You opening statement could have been written by myself. My pattern has followed very much the same path until I met my

(now) ex. I had abandoned the sex/love scenario and followed my heart in 'needing to be loved and loving someone' I plowed

ahead trying to fulfill every need/problem she had not realizing how 'worthy' it made em feel. While doing so, I was bankrupting

my own emotional foundation. that erosion continued for over ten years and is now shattered result of that faulty thinking.

I have only myself to blame but love (or love as I view it) must be a two-way street and when we realize we are pulling the

bulk of the emotional input and weight, it's time to take a very strong look at where we are headed. I detest where I have

ended up and wonder in in fact, restoration (at this stage) is possible.