What does devaluing look like?

[tzwong]

Hi board,

The last few days have been rough, but something has caught my eye.

My BPDxgf really treats me with little respect (i.e. for little things, if i did the dishes, she will notice how the bottom of the pot is still greasy, or just generally, her first response to me, and things related to me is negative).  Was I just too love-blind to see it before? What does it mean to the BPD person?

[ron7127]

Yes, they value you a lot less than they do themselves. I have so many concrete examples of this, from the  negative criticisms such as you  are talking about  to the different standards they have for themselves in terms of entitlements to things like money, time off , lack of responsibility etc.

I think to really  understand this mindset, you really need to accept that for a typical BPD person, no matter how intelligent, the sky in their world is , simply, a much different color.

Here is an example that I think demostrates this: My ex wife was fairly bright, a magna cum law school grad. She began to not come home from work many nights(unbeknownst to me she was cheating) , claiming she needed time off to work on her personal issues. We had two young toddler boys at the time, one severely disabled. Iwas working full time, as well.

All the childcare duty fell to me. I began tracking her nights out for 6 months. She was out until after midnight 112 out of 180 days. Our boys would often not lay eyes on her for days at a time.

So, I confronted her with this. Her response: "Of course I get more time off than you. I have more "friends(affair partners, apparently) and need more time  off."

A light bulb went off in my head at that tiem. I finally realized that she seriously felt that she was better than other folks, more deserving of all tyoes of special treatment.

You need to get a handle on the fact that a BPD or NPD genuinely feels that he or she is your superior. Thus, she does not see her criticism as inappropriate. She is correcting a subordinate.

[Gaslit]

Devaluing is easy to see. Basically, you haven't done anything wrong, yet out of the blue, she is just cold as ice to you. In the early stages you wonder, "What did I do wrong? I need to fix this." Fix what, of course? It's all in her head, so any "fixing" is met with contempt and indifference.

A good example, you go out and have a wonderful night. Laughing, having fun. It's really sweet.

Then you go home, and go to sleep. (I mention this part because certainly while you were sleeping at your house and her at her house, you didn't do anything "wrong."

So you have a wonderful night, and the next day you contact her and she is a complete 180, a totally different person. That is devaluing. And that has nothing to do with us.

[Validation78]

Hi TZ!

   The pwBPD feel pain and shame often for reasons unbeknownst to us. We, some of us codependents, think it somehow does have something to do with us. We must be confident enough to discern when it does, and when it does not. Gaslit's example is perfect. In that case, we could not be responsible, and should not respond. pwBPD have to learn to self soothe, and we have to take care of ourselves, not worry about them. In your example of the pot being greasy, I would respond with I tried, maybe you should do it so it is up to your standards, and walk away. I would not JADE, just walk away and choose peace over power! I'd feel like it was an attempt to bait me into a fruitless argument, and walk away before it went there!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Mystic]

It looks like cold and unkind criticism, contempt, inappropriate and unwarranted anger, withdrawal of affection.  It looks like the antithesis of love, kindness, respect and care.  

Looks like something I don't ever care to see again, and I thank God every day for its departure from my life.  

[FindingMe2011]

It looks like cold and unkind criticism, contempt, inappropriate and unwarranted anger, withdrawal of affection.  It looks like the antithesis of love, kindness, respect and care.  

Looks like something I don't ever care to see again, and I thank God every day for its departure from my life.  

Anything that sounds off, or makes you say "HUH ?", probably has a good chance of being this. If you notice the push/pull effect, your spot on. For me, this was the really confusing part. I never imagined, somebody could do this, or better yet, would want to. The line I got to hear constantly was " Your a great, provider, and father, but your a terrible husband". Then I would say explain yourself. She couldnt give me any legit reasons, other than ones I would expect to hear from my kids. Then she would always say something along the lines of, " Your so different than any other r/s, I have ever had. I hate arguing with you, you always make me feel stupid". I would say. " I didnt realize we were arguing, Im just discussing things with you, are you arguing ?" It would back her up, to force her, to sit with herself. Another constant question was " Are you happy?". This was always, a fun one. I would say "Most of the time, how about you?" I could see she wasnt in a good place, and over the years, I knew I couldnt bring her back, and for the most part, stop trying, as it never improved anything. I would end up saying somethine like " I can only help your happiness, so much, the rest has to come from within". I always, somewhat knew the behavior, just didnt have a name for it, until the past year, and all the pieces fell into place, just like many others on here.  PEACE

[redberry]

Devaluing is easy to see. Basically, you haven't done anything wrong, yet out of the blue, she is just cold as ice to you. In the early stages you wonder, "What did I do wrong? I need to fix this." Fix what, of course? It's all in her head, so any "fixing" is met with contempt and indifference.

A good example, you go out and have a wonderful night. Laughing, having fun. It's really sweet.

Then you go home, and go to sleep. (I mention this part because certainly while you were sleeping at your house and her at her house, you didn't do anything "wrong."

So you have a wonderful night, and the next day you contact her and she is a complete 180, a totally different person. That is devaluing. And that has nothing to do with us.

Gaslit is right.  This is often how devaluing would happen for me.  We would go out and start off with a good night, then he would turn on a nose and start picking away at me for something totally unpredictable.  It could be that I did something at dinner, or caused us to miss the train, or he would latch onto a past relationship and basically call me a whore.  Sort of acting like a past relationship before I even met him meant I wasn't totally committed to him.   crazy stuff that didn't make sense.

If I took the bait, we would end up in a full blown fight and my night would be ruined.  If I didn't take the bait, i would sit there and take his degrading comments and untruths... . And i would be miserable and the night would be ruined. Lose either way.  Once he was in devalue, any possibility for a good night was gone.

Then often the next day, he would pull me back in with sweet things he would say, or a promise of a future together, or sex.  But no real apology.  I think in his mind, no apology was needed because it was somehow MY fault that we had a bad night!

I'm glad that's over with.  Hello 2012!  

[StillInShock]

Devaluing is easy to see. Basically, you haven't done anything wrong, yet out of the blue, she is just cold as ice to you. In the early stages you wonder, "What did I do wrong? I need to fix this." Fix what, of course? It's all in her head, so any "fixing" is met with contempt and indifference.

A good example, you go out and have a wonderful night. Laughing, having fun. It's really sweet.

Then you go home, and go to sleep. (I mention this part because certainly while you were sleeping at your house and her at her house, you didn't do anything "wrong."

So you have a wonderful night, and the next day you contact her and she is a complete 180, a totally different person. That is devaluing. And that has nothing to do with us.

Gaslit is right.  This is often how devaluing would happen for me.  We would go out and start off with a good night, then he would turn on a nose and start picking away at me for something totally unpredictable.  It could be that I did something at dinner, or caused us to miss the train, or he would latch onto a past relationship and basically call me a whore.  Sort of acting like a past relationship before I even met him meant I wasn't totally committed to him.   crazy stuff that didn't make sense.

If I took the bait, we would end up in a full blown fight and my night would be ruined.  If I didn't take the bait, i would sit there and take his degrading comments and untruths... . And i would be miserable and the night would be ruined. Lose either way.  Once he was in devalue, any possibility for a good night was gone.

Then often the next day, he would pull me back in with sweet things he would say, or a promise of a future together, or sex.  But no real apology.  I think in his mind, no apology was needed because it was somehow MY fault that we had a bad night!

I'm glad that's over with.  Hello 2012!  

Today... .I have been finding my self in many posts... .as much as it hurts me to see what other people went through... .as much as a relief for me to find out that I'm not alone... .that I wasn't crazy and imagining things that existed only in my mind

[Gaslit]

I thought of another one: The stark difference in how they treat "Casual" people verses you, the "loved" one.

[StillInShock]

I thought of another one: The stark difference in how they treat "Casual" people verses you, the "loved" one.

that's true... .the devaluing of the only "ONE" is another definition of pure cruelty... .that you don't see when they deal with other "casual" people

[tzwong]

Yeah, as an observation, I remember thinking/saying one time that she started to treat me the way she treats herself.

[redberry]

Yeah, as an observation, I remember thinking/saying one time that she started to treat me the way she treats herself.

I think this is true. They hate themselves and they grow to hate the non.

I have seen my ex treat me absolutely horribly over nothing.  Huge blow up of a fight that he started.  Then turn around in an instant and be the kindest person to someone else around us, then with me the anger is turned right back on.  The bystander would have never known he just totally raged at me.  Their anger is very channeled toward the person who they think did them wrong.

[2010]

Borderlines don't devalue. They scapegoat.

[tzwong]

It actually really doesn't bother me anymore since we broke up... .well, it bothers me in certain ways but I am not letting it really get to me anymore. It is just something I noticed. Wierdly enough, her new bf has noticed too (and how she idealizes him right now). We are worried about what this means, and how to approach it?