Am I just a hopeless case?

[AwareNow]

Here we are on the final day of 2011, (Thank God!) This day is significant to me as this is also my 13th wedding Anniversary. Although my 'ex' walked out

in Sept. 09 and this is the third 'single Christmas' I still find myself reminiscing about the past, the memories and the illusions I mostly created myself.

Last night was spent with vodka and going through each and every photo album (including wedding, trips to Peru, California, Mexico, New York, Hawaii, etc.)

The ironic part is that I AM well aware that this is the past and in fact, she is definitely not the proper mate for me. However, the last two years have been filled with economic and emotional survival precluding any 'new' relationships or involvements. Given the emptiness, it seem I find solace in remembering 'what was' and it gives me an escape (albeit temporary) from facing the huge hole in my current life, not an easy task. I feel somewhat foolish and infantile in going through memories that will never come again. However, it does at least give me a, be it brief,  feeling of when love and purpose were much more a part of my life.  I completely miss being committed to someone and sharing life's victories and tears with. It all seems a fantasy now. I am plagued with this emotional base and quite frankly, in retrospect  seemed to have a much deeper capacity for caring and meaning than did my ex. She seems to be just fine now and never indicates any warm remembrances of the past whatever. Perhaps not forever, but for now I view myself as a 'hopeless' case locked in 'illusions' that I created. Will I ever learn?

[2010]

No, you're not hopeless and Yes- you will get through this. Right now you're looking in the rear view mirror because you're not sure where you're headed. That's OK for awhile- but you're going to have to stop self medicating or at least replace the drinking with something less toxic- and may even benefit you from self imposed exile, i.e. isolating.

"There are two important points to acknowledge here.  Firstly, trying to predict the future is futile.  However, as human beings we are all blessed with an inbuilt mechanism that tells us when we are moving in the right direction in life.  It’s called enthusiasm, and in my opinion it forms the necessary essence of any fulfilling, creative lifestyle… in whatever line of work that might be.  Enthusiasm is the gift that allows us to live in the moment without worrying about what lies ahead, so if you’ve got that niggling feeling in the pit of your stomach and you’re looking for a change in life then why not trust the feeling and let something that really enthuses you guide you in a new direction?" ~ Tim Allen

Any idea of what that might be?

[AwareNow]

Thanks for your kind words. In addition, right now my business partner and best friend is dying and will be gone soon. The avalanche of losses over the past few years is mounting to an almost unbearable level. I understand the 'Positive' viewpoints and need to continue, however, i am most weary and see little evidence of a better life ahead. Even most discouraging, i am typically a 'Upbeat' person who does indeed look at the glass as 'Half-Full' but the accumulation of personal losses is mounting to such a degree that the

darker side is overtaking me. At least at this writing.

[spiralthorns]

Thanks for your kind words. In addition, right now my business partner and best friend is dying and will be gone soon. The avalanche of losses over the past few years is mounting to an almost unbearable level. I understand the 'Positive' viewpoints and need to continue, however, i am most weary and see little evidence of a better life ahead. Even most discouraging, i am typically a 'Upbeat' person who does indeed look at the glass as 'Half-Full' but the accumulation of personal losses is mounting to such a degree that the

darker side is overtaking me. At least at this writing.

It sounds like you're going through a lot of horrible things, but none of this makes you a hopeless case. Give yourself some time to grieve, but also consider working on avoiding the self-medication. This will not help in the long-run.

[2010]

That’s the vodka talking. Alcohol is a depressant. Feels oh so good going down and then ruminations start to arise- dwelling on the past, hurt, fear, anxiety. All these things just cause us to spiral down after drink.

Alcohol isn’t going to help ease the pain (Even though in the deepest darkest hours you’ll wish it did.) Alcohol actually brings you to rock bottom.  When you’re at the bottom of the well you could stay there and drink- but it’s going to mask out any recognition of that light, you know, that tiny light at the top of the well that emits photons for a few hours in the day. The rest is darkness. And it's the darkness that we are afraid of. It’s in this darkness that psychologists label as our “annihilation fears”- annihilation because our persona (or rather, our false self) is deconstructing and we. just. feel. so. alone.

You'll have to put yourself back together again like Humpty Dumpty. Humpty Dumpty with massive self doubt and pain. A drink can help you detach from that pain- but it’s only a temporary solution to calm the massive self doubt that *has* to occur in order to rearrange things.  You have to take care of yourself.

What‘s really necessary in introspection is to gather the broken pieces of yourself and put them back together again with rightful ownership of what’s yours and what’s not and what’s been projected on to you as blame.  What’s really important about your personality (your Self) will be retained and what’s painfully superficial will be lost upon review. Things change (and hopefully magical thinking and malignant optimism is dismembered from your ideal bargaining over trying to get the past back again) The process of introspection takes time but it’s got to happen with forward momentum.  This is an important time in your life. Very important.  You cannot get lost in the journey. The dark woods do have a way out.

And if you’d just be kind to yourself you’d realize that not everyone that comes across this *mirror* of themselves in another person- gets the big picture. Denial is a great coping mechanism for many- and anger can destroy our introspection and get us stuck where we remain angry. What’s left for the people who get past this anger is a necessary depression due to abandonment- and it’s as natural as a winter dormant cycle in nature.  That's where you are now.

Any tree would understand this and tell you if they could speak- There will be new growth in the coming months ahead… it's natural progression.

Don’t worry. Take it one hour at a time if you have to.  Things change- and whatever you're feeling now will also change. Let it occur and don't judge yourself. Personal growth is painful, but very necessary.  Your pain will lessen as you go through it. As Winston Churchill said, "when going through Hell, keep going." You will make it through and emerge as a person with great wisdom.  

[AwareNow]

2010,

Thanks for your in depth message to me. I wish it were 'just the vodka' talking. However, these feelings remain 24 hours a day with or without any alterations and it is in the 3rd year now. I completely agree with your synopsis and am aware of the 'depressive' aspects of

consumption. I have been in counseling, read massive amounts of books, prayer, work out 3+ times a week, eat healthy but the darkness is increasing especially with the impending loss of my business partner and friend. This combined with 2 years of business efforts that now

are in imminent danger of being erased completely with no alternate plans in sight. My home is in line for 'Short-Sale ' and all financial reserves have been exhausted. My will to continue is rapidly depleting.  I do appreciate your insights and I am already aware of the points you made. After nearly three years of no apparent change of circumstance or direction, I am losing any remaining hope. Life has lost meaning and purpose. If it were not for my beautiful daughter, chances are this conversation would not be taking place.

[BlushAndBashful]

I've been thru many a breakup with my pwBPD and it's usually the same. Time doesn't seem to heal, and weeks or months later I am still in agony. I've tried therapy, meds, prayer, saying the rosary, retreats, talking to friends, alternative/complimentary therapy, energy work, etc. Some help a tad- most don't. Honestly what's helped me most this last go around is my awareness of BPD ( dx'ed 9 months ago- suddenly everything in the last 7 years falls magically into place). Between this forum, reading books on BPD (SWOE was my Godsend), and researching anything I can get my hands on-- I finally have my sanity back. Kind of. Mostly.

It still hurts. Crappy things happen. Things pile up. Anniversaries and events come and go. Life crumbles. And that's when I feel myself slowly drifting towards my old pit of depression and ruminating. There doesn't seem to be a way out of the hole, and my motivation falls to zero.

I'm very sorry about your friend.   

[Zena321]

Aware now I can relate honestly and if I somehow have managed my 6th Christmas he left me 3 days after christmas '05 without warning and my 19 year old son had cancer to boot and I am still alive somehow I believe you will too somehow. So  have more than doubled your time ,I just learned this year about BPD and NPD which has helped some but also knowing I have a ways to go . I know how it feels like nothing will get me from 1 to 1 and a half never mind to or feeling like I fell back to 0 ... .Or like your stuck in Limbo and you'll never get out but somewhere in me I manage to wake up to another day even if its been groundhog day for a month and then another... .something has me keep living and going so I believe theres got to be a reason somewhere ... .feel free to contact me if you'd like ... .One thing at least your exercising I haven't the energy ... one thing I managed not to drink : ) I know how things seem to keep happening same here I see my T every 2 weeks and joke with her gedt your book out I have a new chapter for you ... .

[AwareNow]

Dear Mauser and Zena,

Your words and personal experiences are similar to my own and I thank you for your openness with me, a complete stranger.

As I woke up this New Year's morning, I find myself dreading the days to come. I have been 'putting on the good face'

for three years nowand I'm pretty well played. Last year was my discovery of BPD and yes, it was a watershed of understanding

albeit not an emotional consultation. Part of my plight and benefit is the fact that I see, talk too or interact with her on almost

a daily basis due to our combined love and care of our daughter (age 4) Although for the most part, things go along rather well

in terms of 'not fighting or conflict' However, from my end, I seem to be unable to fully detach with the constant (and needed) interaction and contact with her. She basically relates to me as one would a 'next door neighbor' friendly, but not really connected.

Perhaps (for me) my inability to fully accept this life change is because this was the deepest level of love, commitment and loyalty

I had ever experienced or given. In retrospect, there were warning signs from the very beginning but I chose to 'work through

them' I feel an inability to 'move on' as I am somewhat long in the tooth and generally feel that my days of being desired, loved or cared for in the future are nil at best. I am currently dealing with economic ruination that also greatly affects my moods and

feelings of worthiness. It is unquestionably the most difficult period of my adult life. I could more readily survive one or the

other as individual events, however, the combination of so many fronts at once has left me broken and doubtful of ultimate

changes. It's just gone on too long. I need a personal, Gordon Ramsey to straighten things out for me. The addition of the

soon loss of my friend and business partner is pushing me over the edge.

[bpdlover]

I bet you're not hopeless, I'm sure you're wonderful and the person who abused you like this doesn't deserve this much attention. Hope 2012 is great for you all!

[AwareNow]

BPDLover,

Thanks for the supportive words. I am indeed a mass of confusion and conflicts where my somewhat limited remaining sanity is

under constant surveillance and attack. This path is very, very tiresome. 

[georgie girl]

AwareNow - hang in there!  I feel similar to you - last night was a nightmare for me.  I think like you and a lot of other people like us - New Year emphasises the lack of significant other.  For some reason they seem to leave us with all the memories via photo albums,etc.  I know mine took nothing apart from his clothes and music stuff so I was left to sift through 15 years of life together.  I found it easier to box up photos and not look at them.  someday i will have to but maybe i will feel stronger then.

I have been left in debt too by my ex and he has moved on to his new love so like you i am wallowing a bit in the misery of it all.  reading your  posts kinda makes me think you and i both need to take the focus of them and put it back on us.  maybe if we can do that a little at a time we might start 2012 on a more positive note.    

[AwareNow]

GG,

Thank you for your message. Yes, New Year's is particularly difficult for me in that it is also my wedding anniversary, in NYC with all the romance and excitement that exists there. Yes, I know about the 'refocus' aspect, clarity of 'direction' is not an issue here. However, implementation of forward motion is a daunting task for me now. I am almost paralyzed by fear.

[cult]

Hi there,

You are not hopeless. You're stuck, perhaps, but you're not hopeless. I've been where you are and while this can last a while, it is not forever. Keep moving forward one step at a time. Make this the best year of your life.

[AwareNow]

Thanks Nix,

I fully understand that I am 'stuck' At this point, all efforts to 'unstick' have been fruitless or short-lived at best. I am seeking

a measurable, tangible effort that will get this train back in forward motion. In a good way. Currently, I am baffled as to what

that catalyst will be. I am most willing although short on 'able'.

[georgie girl]

Hi AwareNow

Is there anyone around you can be with at least until you get through this day and get back to the everyday grind?

At least then you can feel you have got over the hardest day.

I feel like you need to be around people for a bit - if only for a distraction.  i know it doesnt work magically if you are feeling that low but even something that can distract for a bit can sometimes be the "take one hour at a time" type of medicine we need to keep gone.   

[AwareNow]

Thanks GG,

I am with the best person I could be with, my 4 year old daughter and we just took down the Christmas tree. She is my greatest joy.

However, she goes back to her mom's today and I dread it. Then I have no distractions to fight off the emptiness of the house and

the removal of all Christmas color and joy. It's not just a day I have to get through, it's a complete change of life direction. One that clearly indicates that change is forthcoming.

[MaybeSo]

A dark night of the soul is in my opinion a place to be temporarily on the way to a new period marked with growth and renewal. If you are stuck that is probably indicative of a major depression that may require medication, even if only temporarily, to help your brain remember what 'normal' feels like. This needs to be taken seriously. Three years is too long and the longer your brain stays depressed the harder it is to kick start it back to normal. Please speak with a psychiatrist and get evaluated, not a family MD.

[AwareNow]

Thank you, MayBeSo,

The situation has been in process for over three years, the depression comes and goes. I feel it is circumstantially generated

and only occurs once a 'trigger' has been pulled. However, your point is well taken and I thank you for your observation. Feeling

'normal' is a distant memory.

[myfault]

AwareNow;

I hear you, everything that you have said. I too was left with all the debt and might loose my house over it. as for the "New year" yeah, I cried myself to sleep. and I keep thinking "how can this be a good year, new year, when he just told me he is filing for divorce" (he left with his daughter in Nov of this year)

But i have hope, all you guys to help me. As well you have us.

I have read and re-read everything i can about BPD and I have come to a better understanding that it wasn't me, my fault, but it still hurts. I never wanted the divorce, just time apart for both of us to heal and get help.

I think it's just the hollidays and how hard it is when you are alone. How you get stuck in your own mind "last year I was with... .and we did... .

I just keep telling myself "One Day at a time"

Today I will be a mess, i'm packing up all his stuff he left in the garage, or at least I want to, just can't make myself walk out there.

[georgie girl]

Here's hoping we all have a healthier and happy new year!  

[AwareNow]

Dear MyFault,

I am truly overwhelmed at the number of people out there who are hurting so very much at this time. I am beginning to

wonder if 'all' relationships are a 'degree' of BPD & enabler combination's. I honestly don't know of any I view as completely

'compatible' It seems as though the 'takers' end up with victim 'givers' and vice-versa. I grieve mostly for the givers as it seems

their hearts are the ones most shattered with the betrayals and abuse of the BPD's. I find this msot depressing and wonder

if in fact, I will ever pass into the region of trusting and openness again.

[captainkirkz]

Dear MyFault,

I am truly overwhelmed at the number of people out there who are hurting so very much at this time. I am beginning to

wonder if 'all' relationships are a 'degree' of BPD & enabler combination's. I honestly don't know of any I view as completely

'compatible' It seems as though the 'takers' end up with victim 'givers' and vice-versa. I grieve mostly for the givers as it seems

their hearts are the ones most shattered with the betrayals and abuse of the BPD's. I find this msot depressing and wonder

if in fact, I will ever pass into the region of trusting and openness again.

It all shakes your faith in human nature doesn't it AwareNow? How can we trust again.

All relationships are based on giving and taking in healthy mutual doses.

Even if you disregard BPD, just having a relationship with someone selfish is bad enough. When you add to that the lying, manipulation, cheating and the absolute need for a BPD to strip you of your self-respect, dignity and identity then it's no surprise that you feel like that. I do too at times but then i remember that i have experienced a couple of really great LTR's in my life and it helps me get perspective and to not tar the whole world with the same brush.

You and i and everyone i have come across on these boards, without being condescending to anyone with BPD, are way out of the league of our exBPD's as human beings. We ALL deserve much better and i'll be damned if i am going to let a dysfunctional person take away my sense of self, my love of life, the values that i hold dear. I WILL NOT become a 'victim' like she was and will always be. I will make damn sure i recover my true self as soon as possible. I will examine myself as a person whereas a BPD will not and rectify any issues i have with 'ME'. I WILL take the positives out of this! We care, we feel, we know what love is. BPD's can't help how they are, they are programmed from an early age and i will forgive and show them compassion but not forget the lessons that i have learned.

I am SO in that standing up for myself mood today! Can you tell

[Komo]

Hi AwareNow

I have almost the same problem as you.

I didn't know about BPD; my wife basically insisted on living beyond our means. During this December recess I discovered that the moment I Insisted that we draw up a budget and start saving for our retirement she started planning the divorce and lining up my replacement. As is the case with BPD's, I was told that everything was my fault. She left me when I was retrenched and ruined me financially at a time when I could least afford it.

I found myself in a hole of depression and fear; terrible fear of how I will be dependant on my children during my old age.

I was hounded out of my own home and lived with my family while looking for a new job. I also went to see a T.

At the moment I am struggling with terrible anger and resentment and I'm seriously considering seeing a T again to help me with that. I get especially angry when I see people of my age who have houses of their own and women at their sides who obviously adore them.

3 years of depression is too long and IMHO one cannot climb out of this hole without expert help. One needs a friend or a brother or sister who can assist as well as a T. Is it possible that you can stay with supportive family for a while and also get help from a good T who knows about BPD?

[myfault]

AwareNow;

I think we will, or I sure like to believe that we will.

I know i'm not perfect, but I am a good person. I think that BPD's just have very good radar for finding the people NEED. The caring, feeling, honest type of people and then they suck out of us what they lack. and we are left wondering "why, how, if I " But I HAVE to believe that I am going to be ok, for myself and my son. I will get back to who I was, it will just take time and support.

WE all will get back to who we were before the vampire drained us of ourselves!

[AwareNow]

Just a blanket Thank you to all who have responded to me in the last 24 hours. I am deeply touched by the sincerity

and heart felt shared pains and self discoveries. Your thoughts and experiences help me along my personal journey and

I am honored to be in your company. This phase of life cannot last forever, however, sometimes it certainly seems as

though it will.

AN