The White Knight Syndrome - Mary C. Lamia

[blackandwhite]

The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others Author: Mary C. Lamia and Marilyn J. Krieger Publisher: New Harbinger (2009) Paperback: 208 pages ISBN-10: 1572246243 ISBN-13: 9781572246249

Book Description
Many of our members are involved in relationships that feel unbalanced--we may be motivated to "help," "rescue," and give too much while at the same time, our efforts seem to cause more problems then they solve.

If you find yourself attracted to people who are helpless, vulnerable, or damaged, or feel like you always end up taking care of your romantic partners, you may recognize yourself in one or more of the "white night" descriptions provided in this helpful book, which mixes case studies with information and questions for further thought. As the authors define it, a white knight is a person of either gender who tends to seek out partners who need rescuing. White knights hope to receive admiration, validation, or love from their partners, but ultimately end up cheating themselves out of emotionally healthy relationships.

The White Knight Syndrome aims to help readers:

• Discover why they attract or seek out needy or damaged partners
• Find out what type of white knight they are
• Recognize the unhealthy ways they try to meet their partner's needs while ignoring their own
• Channel their energies into building balanced, healthy relationships

About the Authors
Marilyn J. Krieger, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Marin County, CA.

Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst in private practice in Marin County, CA. She is also a professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA.

[puglover]

OMGee, I remember before my BPD relationship I used to dream of being in a relationship with someone who was a white knight similar to the one in the old Alice In Wonderland movie... and gosh that was an old man! Although back then I never considered it unhealthy! Will this book be helpful for if you also lean on the other end of the scale? I can jump between both in the drama triangle...

[blackandwhite]

Hi puglover,

The book covers both the rescuer role and the victim (rescued) role and though it doesn't describe things in terms of the Karpman triangle, that's a lot of what's explored. So yes, I think it would be helpful if you see either yourself or others in your life in any of the victim/rescuer/persecutor roles. There's an emphasis on those who seem to be repeatedly drawn into acting as "rescuer" (or being rescued) in relationships, and the authors connect adult relationships with those the rescuer types and case study individuals experienced as children. It is quite helpful to reveal patterns and the unmet childhood needs you might be trying to meet through an unhealthy partner relationship.

One section is called "The Rescuer Who May Also Be the Rescued."

The authors have a blog on Psychology Today that gives a good amount of information: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-white-knight-syndrome/200905/rescuing-yourself-your-need-rescue-others

Here is a quote that is worthwhile for many of the members of our disengaging/leaving board:

Understanding why you continue to ruminate about your partner long after the relationship is over may help you to rescue yourself by imposing damage control so that you won't act out in ways that could hurt  yourself. White knight relationships can be highly stimulating emotionally and sexually, and some are intensely dramatic. When the relationship has ended, your brain may seek similar stimulation, and you may crave something to fill the empty space that was occupied by your rescued partner. In your efforts to regain physiological and psychological balance, your search for pleasure and emotional closeness may lead you to engage in risky, promiscuous, or addictive behavior (Goeders 2004). Highly stimulating or intoxicating activities will numb you temporarily but they will not help you to rescue your self.

B&W

[puglover]

Hi puglover,

The book covers both the rescuer role and the victim (rescued) role and though it doesn't describe things in terms of the Karpman triangle, that's a lot of what's explored. So yes, I think it would be helpful if you see either yourself or others in your life in any of the victim/rescuer/persecutor roles. There's an emphasis on those who seem to be repeatedly drawn into acting as "rescuer" (or being rescued) in relationships, and the authors connect adult relationships with those the rescuer types and case study individuals experienced as children. It is quite helpful to reveal patterns and the unmet childhood needs you might be trying to meet through an unhealthy partner relationship.

One section is called "The Rescuer Who May Also Be the Rescued."

The authors have a blog on Psychology Today that gives a good amount of information: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-white-knight-syndrome/200905/rescuing-yourself-your-need-rescue-others

Here is a quote that is worthwhile for many of the members of our disengaging/leaving board:

Understanding why you continue to ruminate about your partner long after the relationship is over may help you to rescue yourself by imposing damage control so that you won't act out in ways that could hurt  yourself. White knight relationships can be highly stimulating emotionally and sexually, and some are intensely dramatic. When the relationship has ended, your brain may seek similar stimulation, and you may crave something to fill the empty space that was occupied by your rescued partner. In your efforts to regain physiological and psychological balance, your search for pleasure and emotional closeness may lead you to engage in risky, promiscuous, or addictive behavior (Goeders 2004). Highly stimulating or intoxicating activities will numb you temporarily but they will not help you to rescue your self.

B&W

That's a cool website B&W! I'm wondering if they have an Australian version... .would love to get psychology magazines now that I think about it... .or would that being going to much down the roll of playing my own therapist? Thanks for your suggestion on the book will look at getting it... .