Strange vibes from exBPDbf

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I ran into my exBPD bf today in a local store's parking lot. We chatted pleasantly enough, but something about his entire demeanor felt odd to me. He seemed uncomfortable or confused about who I was to him, and he had kind of an empty look in his eyes. I've noticed this kind of thing when I've run into him lately, which is fairly often because we work in the same building and it's also a small town.  

Also, I had a feeling of something a bit ominous today. This morning's encounter just gave me strange vibes, and that feeling has lasted throughout the rest of the day. He's a good looking man, but there's something dark/sinister or "out there" about his eyes and his gaze. It just feels a little off. Whatever it is, my gut reaction is that he's almost a stranger rather the man I once thought I knew. For the first time, I could almost "see" the mental illness in him.

What do you think this sort of experience with an exBPD partner means, and have you experienced anything similar when you saw your BPD again?

[MarshaDole]

I ran into my exBPD bf today in a local store's parking lot. We chatted pleasantly enough, but something about his entire demeanor felt odd to me. He seemed uncomfortable or confused about who I was to him, and he had kind of an empty look in his eyes. I've noticed this kind of thing when I've run into him lately, which is fairly often because we work in the same building and it's also a small town.  

Also, I had a feeling of something a bit ominous today. This morning's encounter just gave me strange vibes, and that feeling has lasted throughout the rest of the day. He's a good looking man, but there's something dark/sinister or "out there" about his eyes and his gaze. It just feels a little off. Whatever it is, my gut reaction is that he's almost a stranger rather the man I once thought I knew. For the first time, I could almost "see" the mental illness in him.

What do you think this sort of experience with an exBPD partner means, and have you experienced anything similar when you saw your BPD again?

[Suzn]

 I cant say Ive experienced the dark. My ex acts like shes always the life of the party when I run into her. But it could be anything. He could be depressed or just acting this way so you'll wonder. Dwelling on run ins, yes Ive experienced. Its hard not to but it'll get easier as time goes by. Do you feel obligated to speak when you run into him?

[ElChicodeLeche]

Marsha,

I have experienced  this exact same thing. I find it eerie.

[redberry]

Absolutely!  Mine was clingy as anything when we were dating, but every time I would meet up with him, he seemed very indifferent that I was around. He did this to his friends, family, you name it.  You know how people normally smile and kind of light up when they see somebody they know (or are dating!).  My ex didn't do this.  In fact, his demeanor with everyone was pretty much like they were a stranger.  :)etached.  No outward showing of emotion or excitement.

I haven't really talked to my ex since the breakup, but I know he would have the same unenthused look on his face if I were to bump into him now.

Did your ex have any sort of similar characteristics when you were dating?  I know ours were both waifs.

[mermaid8]

Marsha, that has to be difficult to run into your ex... .I still have not seen nor spoken to mine in 4 months. We have exchanged some text messages but that is all. The only time I saw my ex was about 6 weeks ago in a tv commercial and it took me by surprise as I was not expecting it and it was very very difficult. He is a local celebrity and I have avoided most of the media outlets where I know that he can be seen and heard... .and it was very disturbing to see him even like this... .The thought that I had was "last time I physically saw him, he was my boyfriend... .and now I am seeing this man, that I haven't seen in person and he is no longer part of my life"... .It was like life went on without "us" together.

My thought for your situation is that your ex is uncomfortable in his own skin because he doesn't know who he is... .and therefore doesn't know where "you" fit in to his undefined world where his persona is shaped by outside circumstances and people with whom he can set up his false sense of self... .I am sure that you could see things more clearly because you have been away from him for a while. Clarity comes that way. I think that's why in hind sight we begin to see  |> that we didn't see before while we were actually IN the r/s.

As for the ominous look... .I don't know. I have never seen that in my ex. I have seen deep pain and sadness in his eyes, but not evil. However I have heard that a lot of ragers get a sinister look in the eyes when raging. My guess is that you are just more aware and have separated from some of the attachment and FOG you were in... .

[foolofme]

You know how people normally smile and kind of light up when they see somebody they know (or are dating!).  Mine ex didn't do this.

mine didn't either. nevertheless, as i would look at him with a smile on my face and love in my eyes (perhaps searching for a reaction from him), he would ALWAYS ask me, "why are you looking at me like i'm crazy?" ? even in our honeymoon phase, that question would break my heart. in fact, it seemed to haunt me through our entire r/s.

[redberry]

Fool, it really is sad, isn't it?  They are such empty vessels.  I try to have sympathy, but the destruction they cause in the lives of others is hard to get past.  Sympathy... .But from a distance.

[mermaid8]

Fool, it really is sad, isn't it?  They are such empty vessels.  I try to have sympathy, but the destruction they cause in the lives of others is hard to get past.  Sympathy... .But from a distance.

Yes... .Even though I am upset with the way my ex handled things and hurt me... .it is really really sad that they are such empty vessels always searching for something to fill them up and give them validation... .Sympathy as you said from a distance.

[MarshaDole]

Mermaid, Redberry, and all:

Empty vessel is a great description of what I saw today. I feel there's just an emptiness there that seems to go down, down, down in him. When I was with him, I saw him in happy moods, euphoric even. They weren't the norm, but I did see them occasionally.

There was something soul-less about him today. Not soulful, but soul-less. As though there's nothing really solid inside but an endless search for something or someone to show him the way.

He tells me his current partner (the one he was before me and has now returned to) is "walking on eggshells" and "doting, doting, doting" and that he feels stable but "can't get excited about anything." He's on medication because he was diagnosed as bipolar, not BPD. Of course, he may have both, because they often occur together.

My impression is that the meds are keeping him on an even keel at the cost of spontaneity and enthusiasm. Maybe that's what I'm perceiving... .an almost zombie-like sameness that's so unlike the

passionate, magnetic man I took him for.

I haven't mentioned this before, but my exBF likes to talk to me about what's going on with him. At this point, I would prefer he would do that in therapy and not with me, but he isn't in therapy any more because the therapist discharged him. (My exBF didn't say why, but I imagine it's because my exBF wasn't really "into" the therapy process. Either that, or maybe the therapist picked up on the BPD in addition to or instead of bipolar and decided not to work with him.)

[2010]

What do you think this sort of experience with an exBPD partner means

It means that A) nothing's changed.

You're still sucked back into playing the role of his therapist to hear all the details of his relationship with her (just like before) or B) you are going to cut him off completely and come to terms that he is using you as a sounding board (while you harbor some malignant hope that he will come to his senses.)

Your pay out for these small conferences with him is what you need to address.

If it is because you feel needed by his emotional states- you will scrutinize his appearance and demeanor at every chance you meet- just like a psychological triage. Address that need to interpret every little look and gaze and remember, he has hooked you in this manner in the past based upon your concern.

If you want to let go- you can. If you don't want to let go- keep doing what you are doing and have sidewalk therapy sessions with him. Eventually it will all work out in the end- after much time wasted and many years passing- he'll either still be swinging back and forth between two women or a new woman will enter the mix. You'll be the best judge.

Remember, you'll always find a lost soul who needs you and who absorbs you intrapsychically into their drama unless you protect yourself- That means coming to terms with why these confessionals are attractive to you.  Living in a small town does not mean that you cannot wear an Ipod, sunglasses or otherwise be in a hurry and cannot talk.  Your time is valuable- it shouldn't be sacrificed for the neediness of a person who has hurt you and will continue to hurt you if you let him.  Finding out why you continue to engage him after he has hurt you says something.

He was never your friend- he's unable to be one to himself. Perhaps that is what his eyes are trying to say. Save your pity for those that are deserving. The sooner you do the quicker you will heal.

[MarshaDole]

2010, thank you so much for your input. What I'm feeling today is that I'm truly ready to let go. These impromptu discussions are doing me no good whatsoever. I think I had to get to this point, where I can feel at a really deep-down level that these exchanges are all about him. I told him in this last little talk that I'm not angry, but drained from what I went through with him. I understand that he's ill, but the trauma of dealing with his talk of suicide and twice talking him out of actually carrying out that intent is something I will never forget.

When I saw him yesterday I did not feel drawn to him. I didn't even feel like giving him a platonic hug. This was a huge difference from the previous time. Today I still feel the loss of what I once believed we had together, but the reality is really starting to sink in now. I know it comes in stages,

and for the first time since the split, I feel like getting back to some of my own activities that didn't involve him.

I have a therapy session today and will talk about where I am in the recovery. We're also going to discuss what I'm going to do differently to truly move on. I no longer have crying spells and I don't miss the man. I just miss the overall dream of "us" that we started out with.

I would rather live alone the rest of my life than return to anything resembling the chaos and anguish of the last few months with him. My goal in the therapy is to have no tempation at all to allow this man back in my life if he should ever attempt to recycle with me. I know you're rooting for me to achieve this. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

With gratitude, Marsha

[mermaid8]

He tells me his current partner (the one he was before me and has now returned to) is "walking on eggshells" and "doting, doting, doting" and that he feels stable but "can't get excited about anything." He's on medication because he was diagnosed as bipolar, not BPD. Of course, he may have both, because they often occur together.

He is certainly expecting a lot of you to think you will listen to him speak about your replacement... .what nerve. But again, the empathy "gene" is lacking here. I would also not be such a good listener for him anymore.

My impression is that the meds are keeping him on an even keel at the cost of spontaneity and enthusiasm. Maybe that's what I'm perceiving... .an almost zombie-like sameness that's so unlike the

passionate, magnetic man I took him for.

Before I was with my ex, he told me that he had been on several of the meds for major depression off and on during his adult life. He told me that he was reluctant to take the meds again because they made him like a zombie and he felt void of personality. My thought about that is that he never worked closely enough with his psych doc to get the right med or the right balance of meds. So he would eventually pull himself off the meds... .This is one of the reasons he would not start taking them when we were together despite my efforts to get him to try. Some bipolars will rather feel the highs and lows of the disorder than to feel nothing at all.

I haven't mentioned this before, but my exBF likes to talk to me about what's going on with him. At this point, I would prefer he would do that in therapy and not with me, but he isn't in therapy any more because the therapist discharged him. (My exBF didn't say why, but I imagine it's because my exBF wasn't really "into" the therapy process. Either that, or maybe the therapist picked up on the BPD in addition to or instead of bipolar and decided not to work with him.)

HUGE   here in my opinion... .He needs the professional help and that is a big boundry issue to rely on you for a sounding board for his woes... .As for his T discharging him because of the BPD, I would say that a good T would recommend him to a T who specialized in BPD if she was not capable to deal with it. I don't think she would just discharge him without a referral. Sounds to me like he just wasn't into getting help or do the work it takes to get better or improve.