Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 08:51:51 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
81
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Insight on the damage done  (Read 381 times)
Fish
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 202


« on: January 05, 2012, 11:15:09 PM »

I have been working through detachment from my uBPDw of nearly 19 years (4 kids between us). I have accepted, and am comfortable with, the fact that the marriage is over (never really happened actually) and will end in divorce. That was a heckuva a hard place to get to because I went "all in" when I said my vows, intended for them to be a lifetime commitment to her in sickness and in health and all of that, and my Catholic religion teaches me that a valid sacramental union between spouses is indissoluble in this life. A lot of suffering, agnonizing introspection, and a probable ulcer have gone into working through those issues.

As I worked through them, I came to understand very clearly that I have been abused, exploited, and betrayed by her. But the single greatest insight has been what nearly 19 years of that treatment and my toleration of it had done to me.

It is this: I had gradually come to believe at a deep level that I was unworthy of love. Not unlovable, not undeserving, not unentitled, but unworthy of being loved.

That was when I touched the bottom and pushed off to go back to the surface of reality and myself. It was, in fact, the exact moment of clarity in which I saw my damaged condition for what it is and could no longer accept it.

I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience.
Logged
2010
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 808


« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2012, 02:15:48 AM »

Excerpt
It is this: I had gradually come to believe at a deep level that I was unworthy of love. Not unlovable, not undeserving, not unentitled, but unworthy of being loved.

That was when I touched the bottom and pushed off to go back to the surface of reality and myself. It was, in fact, the exact moment of clarity in which I saw my damaged condition for what it is and could no longer accept it.

Yes. But you had to learn this by trial and error. Humans are not perfect and not being perfect, we sometimes suffer shame in ourselves as we perceive personal failure. The toxicity of shame determines whether or not we recover to become whole again. It is exactly this human connection that has been studied by Brene Brown.

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

To be whole, let yourself break.

To be straight, let yourself bend.

To be full, let yourself be empty.

To be new, let yourself wear out.

"suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy and regard these both as facts of life"  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Logged
captainkirkz
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383


« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2012, 06:55:51 AM »

To be whole, let yourself break.

To be straight, let yourself bend.

To be full, let yourself be empty.

To be new, let yourself wear out.

"suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy and regard these both as facts of life"  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Profound stuff 2010.

On reflection ... .

I went through the process, without knowing of BPD at the time, 14 years ago. Same old story, whirlwind romance, idealisation, devaluation, push/pull, sudden r/s death. What i found at the time though is that i came out of it eventually as a much, much stronger person so at the end of the day i had benefitted greatly despite the huge trauma at the time.

With reference to the above statements ... .

Maybe i went back and put myself through all that with the same person for a 2nd time absolutely knowing the dangers but choosing to be broken, bent, empty and worn out as i was low and lacking direction(my previous, totally brilliant partner died) and that is what i needed to regenerate myself into a better, stronger and faster new 'ME'(the previous outcome).

Maybe my uBPDex is ultimately a force for the good and i just used her 2nd time round as a stepping stone.

I know myself that there is some truth in that.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!